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#1 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello!  So the last few months have involved a nervous breakdown but I actually kind of think it was a good thing, hear me out.

 

My childhood was over the top abusive.  Horror story.  Mental health professionals tell me I should be dead, in jail, or completely non-functioning.  But I'm not.  I'm happy more days than not.  I'm secure.  I have a great husband and kids who are shining examples of good health and excellent psychological fortitude.  But I still struggle.  I talk about struggling a lot on the internet because that is the safest place to talk about things.  There is some truly terrifying stuff in my head.  But telling me to "up my meds" isn't telling me to deal with the problems.  It's telling me to mask the problems.  I'm really kind of upset with the current attitude of, "Oh!  You had trauma happen to you and you have to loudly and messily talk about it?!  How about if we give you a bunch of drugs so you can zone out and forget about it and you can stop making other people uncomfortable!"  Dude.  Really?

 

I'm not accusing anyone on MDC.  I was recently foolish enough to leave this site and wander elsewhere on the internet.  I have already closed that account and I'm staying here.  Maybe it's because of the over moderation, maybe it is just because the people who want to be here aren't @$$ho!e$.  I don't know.  But oh man.  I have found compassion on this website I haven't seen elsewhere.  Thank you all.

 

I am on anxiety meds, but they are at the right dosage thankyouverymuch.  I do need to talk.  I need to process.  And I'm doing it.  I'm in such a better place than I was.  My most recent breakdown let me 100,000 words into a book about my life.  It also gave me the courage to out my family of rapists and finally break all contact.  That was just about the best thing I could do at this stage of my life.  And despite having a nervous breakdown... I made sure my kids were taken care of.  I was never alone with them because I have an awesome support network.  I did it without "upping my meds".  I did it without inpatient treatment, which I will never ever ever consider as a valid option again given how I was abused as a teenager in an inpatient program.  My mom told them I was lying about the sexual assault and they believed her over me.  I will never trust the system again.

 

But really, even though I have days that are so bad other people would have killed themselves long ago (statistically speaking that is not hyperbole)... I'm doing ok.  Really.  I am strong enough for this.  But I will talk about it on the internet and make people uncomfortable.  I think that is better than letting it bottle up and spill into my life in ways that will hurt my kids.  I'm sorry I make adults uncomfortable, but I'm not traumatizing people if they can choose to simply not read.  My kids can't choose to get away from me.  So I have to keep it out of their lives.

 

Ugh.  Just... ugh.  I'm frustrated.  Yes this is hard.  That doesn't mean I should medicate it away.

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My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#2 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 08:59 AM
 
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But really, even though I have days that are so bad other people would have killed themselves long ago (statistically speaking that is not hyperbole)... I'm doing ok.  Really.


 

I know this was meant to be honest, not funny, but it made me laugh out loud.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you say, but I am little further along the path than you are. Have you tried doing any body work? We store memories and traumas in our bodies, and doing some kinds of work with our body can help release them. Yoga is my thing (I even teach now) but there are other options. If the woo-wooy parts of yoga don't work for you, there are more cut and dry ways to get the same benefits.

The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process: Transcend Your Toughest Times is a really wonderful book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1897238401/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1419607545&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1GW38SMGB80J8N7NHRQW

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#3 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 09:11 AM
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I admire you for talking about what happened to you and facing your traumas head-on. It sounds like you've found a place to talk that works for you, and you're managing to heal your own past and move forward with your life while keeping your kids cared-for. That's amazing and awesome.

 
fambedsingle1.gifSingle mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler earth.gif


  

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#4 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 09:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

I know this was meant to be honest, not funny, but it made me laugh out loud.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you say, but I am little further along the path than you are. Have you tried doing any body work? We store memories and traumas in our bodies, and doing some kinds of work with our body can help release them. Yoga is my thing (I even teach now) but there are other options. If the woo-wooy parts of yoga don't work for you, there are more cut and dry ways to get the same benefits.

The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process: Transcend Your Toughest Times is a really wonderful book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1897238401/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1419607545&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1GW38SMGB80J8N7NHRQW

 



I'm ok with you laughing at me because I know you aren't a butthead. love.gif  heh.  I have done some body work, but I haven't followed a structured path like this.  The book looks very interesting and I will probably buy it once I get home in a week.  Thank you!  It sounds very much up my alley.  

 

Oh I'm totally woowoo.  I'm a California hippy. wink1.gif  I used to go to yoga a lot, but I haven't been able to find a good studio near where I live now.  I haven't had the time/energy to drive a lot further in the past few years and I'm a shite solo practitioner.  

 

Thank you for the response. :)


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#5 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I admire you for talking about what happened to you and facing your traumas head-on. It sounds like you've found a place to talk that works for you, and you're managing to heal your own past and move forward with your life while keeping your kids cared-for. That's amazing and awesome.


Thanks!  I'm trying.  Some days are better than others. :)  The goal is to make it so the good days way out number the bad days, right?


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#6 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 06:15 PM
 
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I'm sorry that happened to you!  I had my best friend in the whole world tell me that years ago.  It was a horrible experience.  So I can understand where you're coming from.  (I also never understand why some people on the internet need to respond to people even when they're not comfortable with what the person is saying or they don't care for the person posting.  Just. move. on.  For heaven's sakes!) 

 

I'm glad your comfortable here.  I'm also glad you know it's about them being uncomfortable, not about what kind of person you are.  (It took me years to learn that little lesson.  But it's very helpful now that I have.  :D ) 

 

I just have to say:  Go you!  You sound amazing.  (And someone I'd like to have coffee with.  I also don't talk a lot in real life.  It's great to now have good friends with healthy boundaries.  But they have no real frame of reference, so I have trouble finding safe places to talk.  But talking is SOOOOO good for us!) 

 

 

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#7 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 08:06 PM
 
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I am glad that you are comfortable here! Hugs to you mama, sounds like you have been through a lot and experienced things no one should ever have to go through. How amazing and strong you are! You are here alive and well because of your strength, because you were able to pull yourself up and begin the process of healing. No you don't need to up your meds, you need to keep on doing what you are doing. Medicating yourself won't make it go away, keep working through this.

 

I too feel like this is the safest place to talk about things. I don't have many people IRL that I feel like I can trust to talk about the things that bother me. 

 

Oh and I just realized that you have been helping me out on my thread about not talking to parents, THANK YOU!!!! I seriously needed some support today and you helped with that!!!  

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#8 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 08:17 PM
 
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Amen! I wish I could find that friend who wouldn't wince and run away or say I've gotta go.. just someone to spill my guts to to get it out. I don't need advice just someone to genuinely care and listen and not give me a lecture back.. just accept me as is.

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#9 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 08:29 PM
 
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I'm ok with you laughing at me because I know you aren't a butthead. love.gif  heh. 

 

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself. redface.gif I think any sensible person who had had my life experiences would have offed themselves YEARS ago.

 

It's really not an option for me now -- my kids might end up thinking it's because their messy rooms pushed me over the edge or something, and I'd feel bad for my DH. After he's been so supportive for so many years, it would be kinda of a sh*tty way to re-pay him.

 

So, how are you doing right thing minute? I declare this thread a Safe Space for you to messily vent. People who are uncomfortable with that can go elsewhere. thumb.gif
 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#10 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry that happened to you!  I had my best friend in the whole world tell me that years ago.  It was a horrible experience.  So I can understand where you're coming from.  (I also never understand why some people on the internet need to respond to people even when they're not comfortable with what the person is saying or they don't care for the person posting.  Just. move. on.  For heaven's sakes!) 

 

I'm glad your comfortable here.  I'm also glad you know it's about them being uncomfortable, not about what kind of person you are.  (It took me years to learn that little lesson.  But it's very helpful now that I have.  :D ) 

 

I just have to say:  Go you!  You sound amazing.  (And someone I'd like to have coffee with.  I also don't talk a lot in real life.  It's great to now have good friends with healthy boundaries.  But they have no real frame of reference, so I have trouble finding safe places to talk.  But talking is SOOOOO good for us!) 



The funniest thing is, the thread that sent me screaming back to MDC was about classism and how people "just shouldn't use the word white trash because it is racist."  I explained in great detail that I will make people flinch for the rest of my life when I talk about my past because it was really bad and part of how I deal with that is to describe my life and my family and myself in harsh words (like white trash) because then when people flinch I don't feel like as vulnerable and I don't feel suicidal and like self-harming when they flinch.  I really like run-on sentences lately.  On MDC people have said, "Whatever gets you through the day."  There I was told that I was emotionally blackmailing people. eyesroll.gif  Yes.  My trying to feel comfortable in my skin is part of me emotionally blackmailing other people.  Right.  Way to make yourself way more important than I will ever be.  Oy.

 

I mostly blog about my shit.  I'm on a break from blogging because I'm in Scotland for a month but when I go back I am going to start trying to work on the book in earnest.  I'm intimidated but motivated.  There's a lot to say.

 

I'm sorry you don't have people to talk to in real life.  I'm very blessed.  My husband is ridiculously supportive.  He's willing to even do therapeutic work with me when I need it.  (In the giving me space to talk and helping me feel safe sort of way... he's not trying to "fix" me.)  Online is also super awesome. thumb.gif


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#11 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 11:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am glad that you are comfortable here! Hugs to you mama, sounds like you have been through a lot and experienced things no one should ever have to go through. How amazing and strong you are! You are here alive and well because of your strength, because you were able to pull yourself up and begin the process of healing. No you don't need to up your meds, you need to keep on doing what you are doing. Medicating yourself won't make it go away, keep working through this.

 

I too feel like this is the safest place to talk about things. I don't have many people IRL that I feel like I can trust to talk about the things that bother me. 

 

Oh and I just realized that you have been helping me out on my thread about not talking to parents, THANK YOU!!!! I seriously needed some support today and you helped with that!!!  



I'm glad I helped. hug2.gif I hope you keep talking here because it is a safe place.  When I had a breakdown women from MDC were on the phone texting and talking to me night and day to help get me through it.  I get choked up thinking about it.  Why do these people from the internet care enough about me to go so far out of their way for me?  I don't deserve it.  But they disagree with that last statement and they are willing to beat me over the head with their caring till I listen.  hammer.gif  I'm very lucky.


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#12 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Amen! I wish I could find that friend who wouldn't wince and run away or say I've gotta go.. just someone to spill my guts to to get it out. I don't need advice just someone to genuinely care and listen and not give me a lecture back.. just accept me as is.



It's hard.  My husband was the first person who ever sat down and said, "What happened to you?"  That was one of the most intense things that has ever happened to me.  I'm sorry you haven't had that experience.  It's really hard to deal with people flinching or avoiding you.  It sucks sucks sucks sucks.  

 

I'll listen if you need to talk.  I don't think we live near you, but I do have the wondrous modern invention of a phone, or Skype. hug2.gif


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#13 of 17 Old 07-05-2011, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself. redface.gif I think any sensible person who had had my life experiences would have offed themselves YEARS ago.

 

It's really not an option for me now -- my kids might end up thinking it's because their messy rooms pushed me over the edge or something, and I'd feel bad for my DH. After he's been so supportive for so many years, it would be kinda of a sh*tty way to re-pay him.

 

So, how are you doing right thing minute? I declare this thread a Safe Space for you to messily vent. People who are uncomfortable with that can go elsewhere. thumb.gif

 


 

I think that a lot of the reason I wanted kids so badly is I knew that once I had them... there are no longer easy outs for me.  I take my commitment to them very seriously.  No matter how hard life gets, I know what having a parent commit suicide means.  I wasn't close with my father and he horrifically abused me and it still just about destroyed me.  My daughters are very attached to me.  It would go most of the way to ruining their lives.  I can't be responsible for taking their shining happiness away.  So I stay.

 

Right this minute I'm actually feeling fairly cheerful.  I babbled all over MDC yesterday because I was feeling lonely and isolated and sad and I feel like I met a lot of my extrovert needs even though I've been stuck in an apartment with a sick family for a week.  I'm in suppression mode for my messy stuff because I do not have appropriate space from my kids to think about those things while I'm traveling.  When I process I get spacey and I dissociate a lot.  I need to have dedicated safe space for me and my kids to actually get into it.  This is not the time or space.  But I go home in two days. :)  

 

I also use marijuana as an anxiety med and it's not really a good idea to bring it with me internationally orngtongue.gif (See, I do understand appropriate behaviors) so I've been (err, mostly) avoiding anything that ups my anxiety.  (I live in California!  It's Doctor prescribed and everything!)  I like parentheticals. Thank you.  I'll be back.  Like 37,293 times. :)


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#14 of 17 Old 07-06-2011, 12:39 AM
 
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I tried to quote but I couldn't figure out how to type outside of the quote box! What you said about wanting kids really resonated with me. When I was a teen at my lowest point, the thought of seeing life through so that I could be a mom someday really kept me going. I would think about how if I didn't hold on then I would never live to have children and it sustained me through the hardest years of my life. Of all the things to look forward to having kids was the light at the end of the tunnel for me.

 

I am going to make a point to remember that more often when they are driving me nuts, that these little beings are the reason I was able to hold on and get through some really rough stuff. And yes, you totally deserve the support you are getting here, I'm glad to hear that MDC mama's helped pick you when you were down. We all care because we know what it's like to need a safe place to be and the people we have IRL aren't always the ones we can go to. So we come here!!!! hug2.gif

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I am so glad MDC is a safe place for you. I find it's the only safe place for me as well. I've started talking here about things I have never ever ever told anyone. And I've felt nothing but validated & supported here. I don't think I could venture outside of MDC to talk about it. I do wish, though, that I had more real-life support like you do. I also wish I had the courage & strength you have to just tell it like it is... I am super reserved about things like that and I end up just keeping everything inside because I don't want anyone to feel awkward, and there is a whole lot of pain in there, and it just keeps building up. I'm sorry you had negative experiences elsewhere online. I don't understand some people. I'm glad you are doing relatively OK and that you are in a better place than a couple weeks ago. hug.gif

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#16 of 17 Old 07-06-2011, 01:18 PM
 
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 My husband is ridiculously supportive. 


When I said that I didn't have any one in real life, I was thinking friends.  My DH and yours sound a lot a like.  And I LOVE the way you describe him above.  That's my DH too.  (I just try not to unload on him all the time.  I did finally realize that I'm not a bad person and that I can't make him run for the hills.  That's helped a lot too.  Although for more than a decade I couldn't figure out what he saw in me.  I am finally starting to see.....  )

 

I can't believe someone accused you of emotional blackmail because of the way you describe your family.  I just find that statement ridiculously odd .....  

 

Sometimes I truly can no figure out where people are coming from. 

 

I have enjoyed this thread.  It's nice to experience someone with a crappy background that is now stable enough to know they are who they are

 

 

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#17 of 17 Old 07-08-2011, 06:54 PM
 
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I identify with your description of your DH, alot.  I feel ridiculously blessed to have this man in my life.

 

I really respect your ability to be so honest here,  As someone who has a very hard time reaching out and being open about myself, I am very aware of how much it takes to put it out there.  It gives me a little courage boost to read your post.

 

I'm glad you feel good here.  It's a mostly good place.

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