Do you think Life is inherently Hard? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 08:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peainthepod View Post

Whether I think life is inherently hard seems to be dependent on my emotional and mental health at the time I consider the question. When I'm depressed and unmotivated, it seems unbearably hard even though I know, rationally and comparatively, that I live a very comfortable life. When I'm healthy and feel more ready to handle unexpected challenges, life seems almost not hard enough.


I hear you - especially on the bolded part.  I actually feel like I am floundering a bit at the moment and could use more challenge in my life (and am contemplating taking some move-the career - along  courses to spruce things up).  I could use some challenge, but of course, of the good kind.  

 

 

 

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#32 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 09:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am going through a time where I am having a lot of internal suffering right now, and anixety so it feels really hard now. It has been somewhat hard since becoming a mom 17 months ago- my baby is amazing and so great, and I have support and all that- and a dh who helps tons- but I still find it hard! And my ds is relatively easy going. I guess! Anyway- I think the internal thing is often a big factor on if life feels hard, but sometimes it is hard to manage that  even if I know I should just try to feel better. Not phrasing this well. ugh. just having a rough time of it right now! lots of inner fears swirling around in me a lot.  I used to feel so guided and cradeld in the arms of a higher power but these days I feel a bit lost and on my own with all these challenegs. I hope for a better time of it soon- I hate feelingfearful.

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#33 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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hug.gif I understand. hug.gif

[quote name="Snapdragon". ugh. just having a rough time of it right now! lots of inner fears swirling around in me a lot.  I used to feel so guided and cradeld in the arms of a higher power but these days I feel a bit lost and on my own with all these challenegs. I hope for a better time of it soon- I hate feelingfearful.[/quote]


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#34 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 10:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Snapdragon View Post

I am going through a time where I am having a lot of internal suffering right now, and anixety so it feels really hard now. It has been somewhat hard since becoming a mom 17 months ago- my baby is amazing and so great, and I have support and all that- and a dh who helps tons- but I still find it hard! And my ds is relatively easy going. I guess! Anyway- I think the internal thing is often a big factor on if life feels hard, but sometimes it is hard to manage that  even if I know I should just try to feel better. Not phrasing this well. ugh. just having a rough time of it right now! lots of inner fears swirling around in me a lot.  I used to feel so guided and cradeld in the arms of a higher power but these days I feel a bit lost and on my own with all these challenegs. I hope for a better time of it soon- I hate feelingfearful.


hug2.gif

 

I just want to say that you're not alone in these feelings. Becoming a mom was super duper hard for me. I'm still sorting it out. It's not like I didn't want to be a mom--in fact I faced a lot of obstacles and worked very hard to become one--and the love I have for DD is abundant and wonderful. But just adjusting to motherhood was hard, physically, emotionally & spiritually.

 

I think big life transitions are hard. It just hard to move from where we are. Even if the move is in a good direction.

 

I read somewhere that the definition of healing is coming to full acceptance of things as they are. I keep thinking about that. It is really a radical statement. It is about being fully present with what's here now, and not wanting things to be different. I am not very good at that, but I am working on things to help me cultivate that skill.

 

At any rate, there does seem to be some kind of embrace of contradiction...as others have mentioned as well...which is making things less hard by not trying to make them less hard. Just being with things as they are. I have to say, I sucked at this during the first 2 years of DD's life because I was so sleep deprived. Now that I'm getting sleep, it's easier to be present.

 

Thanks for starting a great conversation.

 

 

 

 

 


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#35 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 02:37 PM
 
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I've come to the conclusion that a "hard" life might be better for my happiness than an easy one. I mean, I've never had a "hard" life, ever, in terms of having a chronically ill child or being homeless or getting divorced or whatever. But when I was at Uni, studying full-time and working two jobs to stay afloat... it was hard, but in a good way. Juggling my schedule was crazy, and I was exhausted by Sunday - I worked for 12 hours most Saturdays - but I felt productive. Now that I have it easy as a SAHM (and yes, SAHMing is a different kind of hard, but in my situation I do have a certain amount of me time and downtime and rest) I find it really hard to motivate myself to do anything, and I slip into depression and feel useless and hate life.

 

A few days ago I discovered we were broke and that I'd have to find a way to bring some income in. Not easy with a 10-week-old baby, but after feeling really depressed for a day or two about the suckiness of life, I got my act together. Now I'm sending off CVs and writing ads and finding a way to make it work - a casual survey company just said I could bring my baby along in the mei tai, if I get the job! - and I actually feel more positive than I have in ages! It'll definitely make my life harder.. but I'll also appreciate my days off more, and when we buy the occasional treat I'll enjoy it more than when we were eating fancy food all the time.

 

In short: I can thrive under external stressors, as long as they're not too harsh or prolonged. Left to myself my messed-up brain takes over and life begins to seem very, very hard.


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#36 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 03:06 PM
 
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True. But, this comment also includes the assumption that a belief that life is hard automatically equates to unhappiness. I don't think it does. I've known many people who work very hard, acknowledge that they work hard, have had a lot of bad breaks, etc...but are very happy. They simply accept life as it comes (something I've been working on for a long time, but being pissed off at the world seems to be in my jeans), and have happy, hard, lives.
 

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This is so very true. We often assume that those with less wealth are less happy. That is often not the case.
 

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#37 of 41 Old 08-25-2011, 03:09 PM
 
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At any rate, there does seem to be some kind of embrace of contradiction...as others have mentioned as well...which is making things less hard by not trying to make them less hard. Just being with things as they are. I have to say, I sucked at this during the first 2 years of DD's life because I was so sleep deprived.

 



Thank you for posting this. I've been having a really hard time with just accepting life is hard work (homeschooling, housework, discpline issues with ds2, etc.). I tend to overlook the fact that dd2 is still not letting me get very much sleep and I'm absolutely exhausted (four pregnancies in just over six years, together with the c-sections, stillbirth, psychological issues, etc. have left me feeling that chronically tired is the default, so I overlook the acute exhaustion of sleep deprivation, if that makes any sense). I need to cut myself more slack for not coping well sometimes.


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#38 of 41 Old 08-26-2011, 07:22 AM
 
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Thank you for posting this. I've been having a really hard time with just accepting life is hard work (homeschooling, housework, discpline issues with ds2, etc.). I tend to overlook the fact that dd2 is still not letting me get very much sleep and I'm absolutely exhausted (four pregnancies in just over six years, together with the c-sections, stillbirth, psychological issues, etc. have left me feeling that chronically tired is the default, so I overlook the acute exhaustion of sleep deprivation, if that makes any sense). I need to cut myself more slack for not coping well sometimes.


I feel like people make a joke out of sleep deprivation, but for me it wasn't funny. It went beyond exhaustion. My body hurt. I had digestive issues. On the rare night when DD slept well, I sometimes laid awake. My patterns were so disrupted, my body just couldn't cope. The worst was the mental & emotional effects, however. I really couldn't think clearly. My marriage really suffered during the first year especially. I just couldn't feel good, couldn't have a normal conversation, couldn't accurately read other people's emotions. I frequently got into weird arguments with people at home or a work because I couldn't properly process what they were saying or feel like I was getting my point across. My DP & I went to couple's counseling, and it was a disaster, I just felt like both DP and the counselor didn't understand me or what I was going through & I left every session feeling like I wanted a divorce. Finally I told DP I wouldn't do counseling anymore and things got better. Every HCP I talked to insisted that I didn't have PPD, but damn, it sure felt like it. Something was seriously off. And getting regular sleep again has been the thing that has gotten me back on track.

 

Hang in there. Cut yourself A LOT of slack. Someday you'll look back at this time of your life and be amazed and what you pulled yourself through.

 


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#39 of 41 Old 08-26-2011, 10:28 AM
 
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I feel like people make a joke out of sleep deprivation, but for me it wasn't funny. It went beyond exhaustion. My body hurt. I had digestive issues. On the rare night when DD slept well, I sometimes laid awake. My patterns were so disrupted, my body just couldn't cope. The worst was the mental & emotional effects, however. I really couldn't think clearly. My marriage really suffered during the first year especially. I just couldn't feel good, couldn't have a normal conversation, couldn't accurately read other people's emotions. I frequently got into weird arguments with people at home or a work because I couldn't properly process what they were saying or feel like I was getting my point across. My DP & I went to couple's counseling, and it was a disaster, I just felt like both DP and the counselor didn't understand me or what I was going through & I left every session feeling like I wanted a divorce. Finally I told DP I wouldn't do counseling anymore and things got better. Every HCP I talked to insisted that I didn't have PPD, but damn, it sure felt like it. Something was seriously off. And getting regular sleep again has been the thing that has gotten me back on track.

 

Hang in there. Cut yourself A LOT of slack. Someday you'll look back at this time of your life and be amazed and what you pulled yourself through.

 



That's actually another good thing to keep in mind. I went through this before (the extreme sleep deprivation and health issues, I mean) when my first marriage was ending. Looking back, I have no idea how I survived it, let alone went to work every day, looked after ds1, etc. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble again - it's hard to believe I'm back in more-or-less the same situation But, if I look at it differently, I have to keep in mind that sleep deprivation because of a super cute two year old is a lot better than sleep deprivation due to the stress of a disintegrating marriage and nightmarish job situation (I wasn't sleeping, because my insomnia was insanely bad...I reached a point where I was sleeping about 20 hours a week for a few months...not even close to adequate!).

 

And, you're right. Culturally, we do make sleep deprivation sound hilarious, but it's not. I've noticed the impact on my digestion, mood, mental processing ,immune system, etc., as well.


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#40 of 41 Old 08-26-2011, 10:58 AM
 
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And, you're right. Culturally, we do make sleep deprivation sound hilarious, but it's not. I've noticed the impact on my digestion, mood, mental processing ,immune system, etc., as well.


ITA.  There have been quite a few studies that show that driving while sleep deprived - even mildly - is similar to driving while intoxicated.  Sluggish mind, sluggish response times.   Being sleep deprived isn't good on so many levels.  

 


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#41 of 41 Old 08-26-2011, 11:09 AM
 
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As I think about this more, there are things that are inherently hard that really just mainly suck. And then there are things that are inherently hard that are so worth the effort.

 

Things in my life that have been inherently hard and have pretty much 100% sucked:

  • watching my mom die a prolonged, painful & premature death from ovarian cancer
  • dealing with infertility
  • going through the labor from hell & then having a c-section & then getting a breast infection
  • sleep deprivation

These are the things in my life that I just haven't been able to put a positive spin on or see "the bright side." Maybe that's just a lack of spiritual evolution on my part, but for all of these, I've experienced the most healing by not trying to "make lemons out of lemonade" but by saying, "This is suckiness of the most major suckitude." And then letting myself feel the pain, whenever it comes up.

 

Things in my life that have been inherently hard and have been totally worth it:

  • coming out as a lesbian
  • grad school
  • becoming a mom

Those are just a few examples, in each case a huge life transition that challenged me on many levels, but transformative in a positive way over the long run.

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