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#61 of 78 Old 08-21-2011, 08:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today, OK. Last few days were tough & my doctor's appointment didn't go very well so I was feeling so discouraged. I feel like I'm on an upswing today though. I'm waiting for some stuff to arrive this week & really hoping they will help me feel better physically -- I feel like if I can get my medical issues under control, I'll be better equipped to deal with the rest.

DH claims he really wants to help me out but I'm not sure what to tell him or how he can possibly help and I feel like I'm pushing him away & closing myself off to him. greensad.gif He feels it too, and I'm so worried he won't hang on for the ride...

We have a super busy week ahead of us so hopefully that will keep me in a more positive space.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#62 of 78 Old 08-21-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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Again, I have nothing especially sage or insightful to share, but I just wanted you to know you were remembered.  Enjoy your good day and don't overdo it during your busy week.  :)


Bring back the old MDC
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#63 of 78 Old 08-21-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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Sorry it didn't go well. Give yourself credit for going at all, and for doing all that you have done for yourself so far! It's not easy, but you are doing it.
Keep communicating with DH, even if it's to tell him that you need him to help but can't give specifics. If he's anything like my DH, he won't do anything unless he has a specific task to "do." I had so much frustration b/c I needed help but couldn't articulate what "help" would look like, but once it became a pattern we both were able to see where the trouble points were. It may help to look at your day (or on past days) and see where you felt the most helpless/most in need of support. Maybe it's to take DS off your hands at a certain time every day. (For me, it's DH giving DS breakfast so I can eat in peace and start my day more quietly, which helps me stay calm.... And then again while I'm cooking dinner so we can eat without me feeling frazzled by all the chaos in the kitchen while I was cooking.) It doesn't have to be long periods of time or big chores (but it could be). I like to have 5-10 minutes a few times a day to just have some peace and quiet. It works better than 30 minutes once a day or 2 hours on the weekend. (Although a few hours on the weekend mean I can clean the house! Or.... be online....)
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#64 of 78 Old 09-30-2011, 06:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I just wanted to update... I've had a couple of good weeks & some really rough days. Staying busy helps and avoiding my parents for some reason helps too, even though the interactions with them are usually ostensibly pleasant. Unfortunately I can't always keep busy & I can't always avoid family.

Today I'm feeling really down because my doctor recommended someone and arranged for me to get free therapy but then it turns out the therapist practices a form of therapy that is against my religion. I feel so stuck. I thought I finally had a way out of all of this & now I don't. I just don't know what else to do & where else to turn. greensad.gif

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#65 of 78 Old 09-30-2011, 10:03 PM
 
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Today I'm feeling really down because my doctor recommended someone and arranged for me to get free therapy but then it turns out the therapist practices a form of therapy that is against my religion. I feel so stuck. I thought I finally had a way out of all of this & now I don't. I just don't know what else to do & where else to turn. greensad.gif

Could you share more details about what conflict was? I don't mean to pry for personal information and I encourage you to hold to privacy boundaries that feel safe to you, but perhaps if you tell us a little more, we can help you brain storm a solution.

What kind of therapy is OK for you with your religious beliefs?

Do you have a spiritual counselor you can talk to? That is often free. Although having strongly held beliefs can close some options, they can also be a path toward peace. Many, many people find that strengthening their beliefs, whatever they are, help them through the darkest times of their lives.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#66 of 78 Old 09-30-2011, 10:24 PM
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Well I just wanted to update... I've had a couple of good weeks & some really rough days. Staying busy helps and avoiding my parents for some reason helps too, even though the interactions with them are usually ostensibly pleasant. Unfortunately I can't always keep busy & I can't always avoid family.
Today I'm feeling really down because my doctor recommended someone and arranged for me to get free therapy but then it turns out the therapist practices a form of therapy that is against my religion. I feel so stuck. I thought I finally had a way out of all of this & now I don't. I just don't know what else to do & where else to turn. greensad.gif


Yes, you can always avoid (not see) your parents.  It is a choice to have them in your life or not.

 

 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#67 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, you can always avoid (not see) your parents.  It is a choice to have them in your life or not.

 

 

I'm sure it feels like you're beating a dead horse lol... I know that on one level I could make that choice, but can't do it, largely because of my siblings, who I love very much... and my mistrust of myself. greensad.gif I have really worked hard to set boundaries and went from seeing them 1-2 times a week to only about once a month. That's huge and it does help but I have to do so much work in avoiding phone calls & making up excuses and it's tiring and makes me feel even more distant from them. I don't know. You know how I feel on this, and that I don't believe myself, and I just can't get over this hump. I'm too afraid I'll regret it.
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Could you share more details about what conflict was? I don't mean to pry for personal information and I encourage you to hold to privacy boundaries that feel safe to you, but perhaps if you tell us a little more, we can help you brain storm a solution.
What kind of therapy is OK for you with your religious beliefs?
Do you have a spiritual counselor you can talk to? That is often free. Although having strongly held beliefs can close some options, they can also be a path toward peace. Many, many people find that strengthening their beliefs, whatever they are, help them through the darkest times of their lives.
I'm always nervous about sharing details on things like this because I don't want to offend anyone... so hopefully no one will be offended if I share. The therapist my doc recommended was a reiki master & craniosacral therapist. He thought that would be a good path for me because I have so much trouble talking about myself & my feelings so this way I wouldn't really have to focus on talking. Plus there is a large physical component to my issues. So I agree with him on that & at first I thought it was the perfect solution, but when I came home & looked up more info on it (I had only a very vague knowledge about it), I discovered reiki is not something I'd be comfortable with & definitely not something compatible with my religious beliefs. I do not have a spiritual counselor, though that's something I can look into. I'm having some trouble right now because although I believe strongly in what my church believes in, I'm finding it really lacking in community and support. I don't have any interest in abandoning my religion or looking for something else, but at the same time I feel l need something more right now to get me through this. It's holding me back a lot because I feel like I'm kind of vulnerable right now and I don't want to end up going down the wrong path because I'm desperate, you know? I guess I will have to research whether there are counselors of my faith available in my area. Really, most kinds of talk therapy would be perfectly acceptable anyway, but I do want to strengthen my faith and I do think that is exactly what I need right now. I also feel like a lot of talk therapy focuses on you, doing what's best for you, etc. but I feel I have a moral responsibility to always consider how my actions impact others, to forgive, etc. But anyway. I looked up my church's programs & it seems like there is a lot to help people with drugs/alcohol/terminal illness/etc. but nothing for someone like me who is just falling apart and dying inside. Maybe my DH will make a few phone calls for me.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#68 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 02:39 PM
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I'm sure it feels like you're beating a dead horse lol... I know that on one level I could make that choice, but can't do it, largely because of my siblings, who I love very much... and my mistrust of myself. greensad.gif I have really worked hard to set boundaries and went from seeing them 1-2 times a week to only about once a month. That's huge and it does help but I have to do so much work in avoiding phone calls & making up excuses and it's tiring and makes me feel even more distant from them. I don't know. You know how I feel on this, and that I don't believe myself, and I just can't get over this hump. I'm too afraid I'll regret it.
I'm always nervous about sharing details on things like this because I don't want to offend anyone... so hopefully no one will be offended if I share. The therapist my doc recommended was a reiki master & craniosacral therapist. He thought that would be a good path for me because I have so much trouble talking about myself & my feelings so this way I wouldn't really have to focus on talking. Plus there is a large physical component to my issues. So I agree with him on that & at first I thought it was the perfect solution, but when I came home & looked up more info on it (I had only a very vague knowledge about it), I discovered reiki is not something I'd be comfortable with & definitely not something compatible with my religious beliefs. I do not have a spiritual counselor, though that's something I can look into. I'm having some trouble right now because although I believe strongly in what my church believes in, I'm finding it really lacking in community and support. I don't have any interest in abandoning my religion or looking for something else, but at the same time I feel l need something more right now to get me through this. It's holding me back a lot because I feel like I'm kind of vulnerable right now and I don't want to end up going down the wrong path because I'm desperate, you know? I guess I will have to research whether there are counselors of my faith available in my area. Really, most kinds of talk therapy would be perfectly acceptable anyway, but I do want to strengthen my faith and I do think that is exactly what I need right now. I also feel like a lot of talk therapy focuses on you, doing what's best for you, etc. but I feel I have a moral responsibility to always consider how my actions impact others, to forgive, etc. But anyway. I looked up my church's programs & it seems like there is a lot to help people with drugs/alcohol/terminal illness/etc. but nothing for someone like me who is just falling apart and dying inside. Maybe my DH will make a few phone calls for me.


I do understand.  You just need to be honest with yourself, though, that you are still making a choice.  It's fine, of course,  to still see them once a month (or whatever) if that's what works for you, as long as you acknowledge to yourself that it is a choice, and you could make other choices if you wanted to. 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#69 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 02:56 PM
 
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It's hard to find a balance between keeping your family around and keeping their toxicity far enough away from you and your family. DH struggles with this and it's really hard on him. You do need to do what you feel is right for your family (you, DH and the kids) and maybe permanent severance isn't it. But if minimizing contact helps, then by all means do what you need to do, even if it's just until you can get your health issues more under control and you can start feeling stronger. And that can be your "excuse" rather than using up tons of energy trying to explain away "previous plans" and "being too busy" to see them. Just let everyone know that you'll be in touch when you are able but that right now you are focusing on feeling better and taking care of your kids' needs and don't have much time to chat/visit. (I do this with my sister, who would spend all day, every day on the phone giving me the play-by-play of her dog's life and her job.... I just make little posts on Facebook here and there so she can see what DS is up to, and then if she calls as soon as she sees me online, I ignore it and then explain later that the phone ringer was off for naptime or I ran outside to do laundry and didn't see the answering machine blinking til two days later.... Whatever. It's dishonest, but it spares her feelings and also maintains contact in a way that works for both of us.)

 

It does sound like maybe talk therapy would be good for working out feelings about family issues, etc. but that reiki or something similar that wouldn't interfere with your religious beliefs would help with some health/well-being issues. Can you explain to your doctor why you can't do reiki and ask for another suggestion? Would acupuncture fit? (I tried it out of desperation and went in a total non-believer in any alternative medicine, and was amazed at the results, even though I refused to use any of the herbs he recommended.)

 

I'm glad you posted an update, and am glad to see that even though it has been ups and downs, that there have been some ups!

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#70 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 05:35 PM
 
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He thought that would be a good path for me because I have so much trouble talking about myself & my feelings so this way I wouldn't really have to focus on talking. Plus there is a large physical component to my issues. ..

It's holding me back a lot because I feel like I'm kind of vulnerable right now and I don't want to end up going down the wrong path because I'm desperate, you know? .....

. I also feel like a lot of talk therapy focuses on you, doing what's best for you, etc. but I feel I have a moral responsibility to always consider how my actions impact others, to forgive, etc.


Thank you for sharing more and clarifying. I feel like I understand better now. Up thread, I suggested TRE, and I still think it might be a good fit for you. It is a form of body work, but there aren't any woo-wooy aspects to it as there as to some forms of body work. You could check the web page and see if there is a teacher in your area (group classes where I live are only $10 a pop, which makes it far more accessible that many forms of therapy. It is very powerful, and it is really nice to work with a teacher, being to ask questions, have the energy of being a group class but not having to say anything or ever tell any one what is causing you emotional pain. If there isn't a teacher in your area, there is a book and DVD so you could easily practice on your own at home.

I'm not trained it in, but I've been to classes, read the book, practiced, and work with a trained TRE teacher on how to incorporate aspects of it in the yoga classes I teach. If you have any questions, just ask. If you have questions I can't answer, I can ask a qualified teacher.

Here is a clip from my earlier post with the link:
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grouphug.gif   grouphug.gif   grouphug.gif

 

there is a style of body work called Trauma Releasing Exercise that has that some of the same benefits, but without the new agey stuff. There's a DVD, so it's something you could do at home, by yourself, without having to call or meet new people (I know how difficult that can be when we are in the dark place)

 

here's a link about TRE http://www.traumaprevention.com./

 


As far as the fear of going down the wrong path, it's OK to try something, decide it isn't for you, and then try something else. Where you are right now isn't a good place. You can move to a different place and see what it is like there, and then move again. Even if they middle place you try isn't where you end up wanting to stay, could it be worse than where you are right now? What if it is only a little better? What if it clears your head just enough that you can figure out which way to go? Imagine that you are standing in the middle of a park, but you are really not having a good time. The sun is beating down on you, there's no place to sit, the ground has no grass because it's all been worn away. So you walk over to a shelter and sit at the table in the shade. But then you realize that the shelter is kinda dirty and not comfortable, but from there you can see a clump of trees. So you walk to the tress, and find that from there you can see a beautiful stream. It's all the same park. When you don't like the part you are in, you can walk to a different part.

I completely understand your point about talk therapy. You want to take care of yourself, yet you have clear convictions about how to treat others and think of others. When one is in crises, we must take care of ourselves first or we have nothing to give. The situation you are in right now is a bit like some one in an airplane that is in trouble -- you gotta put on your own air mask before you can help anyone else. Even when traveling with a small child, you gotta put on your own mask first. The reason for this is that if you don't take care of yourself first, some one else will end up taking care of you. So take care of yourself FIRST.

Peace

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#71 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Linda I did check out the TRE site but there was no one anywhere remotely near me & I think I need a real live person. greensad.gif I did watch some youtube videos & will look into it more though!

And I know I need to take care of myself first and all that but I feel like it's so impossible to do with a kid... or at least with MY kid, who seems truly traumatized by the time I spend away from him (something we're working on). I feel like I can't manage to give anything 100% or even 20% and instead I'm not being present to DS, not dealing with my own stuff, not being a good daughter but not getting the space I need, not even work gets much of my focus these days, I don't know how I even keep my job really. So frustrated and annoyed with myself.

A&A you're right, it is a choice, and I guess I know that and I am making the choice to stay involved, but minimally, with them. I guess I just wish I had the guts to make a different choice.

swd - acupuncture might be an option, I'll have to see if it could help my specific issues. I am really reluctant to ask my doctor for recommendations because he already had called the reiki therapist to arrange for me to see her for free and I don't want to put him out any more but also I got the sense that this was kind of his last suggestion, that he'd run out of ideas. IDK. I am horribly embarrassed talking to him about this in the first place and DH was the one that pushed it 'cause he was at the appt. with me. I don't know if I need to see a different doctor or just give up.

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#72 of 78 Old 10-01-2011, 07:41 PM
 
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I wouldn't let that stop you from at least calling the doc and asking. If that is a dead end, maybe you could make an appointment (since it's free anyway) with the reiki specialist and make it clear that you are looking for advice for other venues. They will not be offended that your religious beliefs keep you from practicing with them, and maybe the reiki specialist knows an acupuncturist who will see you for free!

Don't ever be too embarrassed to take care of yourself. It's the most important thing you can do, and everyone has problems. There is no shame in trying to make those problems go away. Just follow the path of people to talk to, follow up with new leads and exhaust old ones. And revisit old ones, too, like church. Maybe one of those groups can help, even if their titles sound like they're more for people with different issues. It all comes down to the same thing: Trying to fix what's broken and learning to have a happy life, right? You deserve that, too, even if you're not a drug addict or a recent widow or a Stage IV cancer patient.
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#73 of 78 Old 10-13-2011, 10:28 AM
 
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I have to chime in. Last year, I was in your shoes. I had the opportunity to go to a reiki-like practitioner for free. I did not want to go, because I, too, thought it would conflict with what I believe. However, I was desperate. So I went. I prayed beforehand that only truth and light would find me, and if there was anything negitive going on, that it would not harm or effect me.

 

The good things that have come out of my sessions are so worth the 'risk' I took in going the first time. In reality, reiki is almost exactly the same as the laying on of hands to pray for someone. They use different words, for example, divine energy instead of the word God - however, what is God other than divine energy?. The holy energy I feel during my sessions is so absolutely not of any negitive origin. My faith has grown stronger and more personal through my work with my practitioner.

 

And cranial-sacral is just plain awesome. I would urge you to at least try it once. If you don't like it, you don't have to go back.

 

I was raised in church, so I understand your worries. I hope you find the right path for you :)

 

 


Me,yummy.gif   DS, Peace.gif and DDdust.gif Grateful to the baby I lost for sticking around long enough to teach me what I needed to know so badly  candle.gif  We  love our forest valley home, our goats and chickenschicken3.gif, and wild harvested food-medicine coolshine.gif

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#74 of 78 Old 10-13-2011, 07:58 PM
 
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i hope things have started to look up for you and maybe you have been able to get the help and support you have been trying so hard to get.


Mom to K(7)M(4)and baby J(2)cold.gifhh2.gif
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#75 of 78 Old 11-03-2011, 07:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Another update... a week after I stopped taking my thyroid meds, I started feeling so much more stable! I mean, nothing in my life has really changed & I'm still struggling but it's so much less extreme and I don't feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride anymore. So I'm thinking the meds messed with my hormones or something -- I didn't notice it getting that bad and I didn't connect it to the meds 'til I stopped them. But it's been a little over a month and I've had NONE of the ups & downs I was having every 2-3 days all summer. My energy level is still way too low & there's some kind of autoimmune issue going on but I feel more able to take positive steps despite that... I started a very basic workout program that gradually builds up from just a few minutes a day to 30-60mins -- not sure I'll ever make it to the 30mins lol (time constraints!) but at least I starting to move a bit more... and I'm also occasionally doing small projects & creative stuff, and reading more... So some very very baby steps but they are in the right direction. I'm feeling more connected to my friends, though still struggling on & off with my DH & DS and also my extended family (I've been ignoring & avoiding for the most part at least). I know I would benefit from therapy but I just can't manage to arrange it still and I also need to see a new doctor but it's just too overwhelming for me so I've been putting it off... maybe if DH finds a job & we have better health insurance these things will seem more feasible, but at least in the meantime I'm sort of OK.

So, that's all, I really appreciate the input & encouragement you all have given me so I wanted to share my little bit of progress with you. smile.gif

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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#76 of 78 Old 11-03-2011, 07:25 AM
 
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It's great to hear that things are making a turn for the better! thumb.gif


Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DDenergy.gif(Born 10/09/08 ribboncesarean.gif). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!

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#77 of 78 Old 11-03-2011, 08:20 AM
 
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Yay, Crunchy!

 

And don't think that you have to do all 30 minutes of exercise at a time. If you can only get 10 mins in at a time, but you manage to do it two or three times a day, there you have it! Keep it up, you're doing great!

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#78 of 78 Old 11-03-2011, 09:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yay, Crunchy!

And don't think that you have to do all 30 minutes of exercise at a time. If you can only get 10 mins in at a time, but you manage to do it two or three times a day, there you have it! Keep it up, you're doing great!

That's a great idea. I was trying to figure out how I'd ever fit in 30mins of exercise (except maybe at midnight but who can sleep after a half-hour workout???) but I could break it into 5-10min chunks and get at least 15-30mins in throughout the day. thumb.gif I miss my days of working out every morning for an hour but I guess with my kid that will never be possible. It used to be such a great way to start the day.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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