issue with family - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 09-05-2011, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
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I am not sure this is the right place to post... but i think it may be. i will try to be concise about this.


My father and i have always had issues, first stemming from the fact that i have cerebral palsy and was not able to meet his expectations as a daughter. and then my brother died of cancer when i was 10- and since then it seems like practically everything i do or don't to is either wrong or disappointing. I moved away for college, I lived with my boyfriend, I married that boyfriend (he doesn't like my husband much), I voted for Obama... 


Now we have a son, he is three. he is highly spirited and very sensitive. the last visit my dad and his wife had here did not go too well. DS was very overwhelmed by my dad and  behaved in a way that my dad didn't like or understand. so much so that they excluded us from one of the days of their 2 day trip. It seemed like they just couldn't be bothered. they were sour and short tempered the entire time. to be honest, this behavior hurt my feelings! they didn't have one kind thing to say about ds! shortly after they returned home, my dad was telling me about his friends little boy and how amazing and special this little boy was and how the two of them were such good friends etc  I just couldn't take it. i was so hurt by these comments!  It was the last straw! I decided not to call my dad for a while because i was just too upset and hurt and he never understands things like this, he would just ell me i am silly and to brush it off. but, it has been a lifetime of not measuring up in one way or another and i am very tired of it. I am an adult now and my priority is my own family. I hate the idea of my dad making ds feel how he makes me feel!!


but, I miss my dad too, I got an email from his wife today asking what they had done, why i don't like them and don't want them etc. it irked me, but i called her- she is going to call me back in a while. these rifts have happened many times before and i am always the one to mend them. they never seem to learn anything. I want it to be different this time. I am aching for them to understand me and my family and for them to spare me at least some of their judgement. I have never been able to accomplish anything like this, try as i might. i guess i am wondering how to approach this differently this time so they they are able to be more understanding. 


any help?



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#2 of 3 Old 09-06-2011, 06:31 PM
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You need to set your own boundaries.  I'd let your father know why you're hurt; if he can't understand, then maybe he can't fully be in your life.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#3 of 3 Old 09-06-2011, 06:37 PM
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I agree with A&A. Be clear with your father as to why his behavior is hurtful to you and your family. Maybe he will be able to see your position and modify his behavior going forward, and you can have a positive relationship. But you have to be prepared for the fact that he may not (especially since you have had these issues before). If he can't have a positive relationship with you, minimize or eliminate contact with him. Your son and your husband are your priority now, and it's just not fair to either of them to be treated poorly by someone because that person has issues. 

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