I never get invited ANYWHERE! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 09-06-2011, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It dawned on me last week, as I'm making plans for a playdate coming up in a couple of weeks, that I never get invited anywhere.  No one ever calls me to do anything.  I'm always the one making the plans - whether it's a playdate, a girl's night out, going shopping, etc., and to be quite honest, I'm getting sick of it.  I've decided to take a break from it all and if people want to see me, they know where I am and how to contact me. 

 

Part of me is super frustrated by it all and the other part could care less.  Anyone else have this happen to you?? How are dealing or did you deal with it?


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#2 of 11 Old 09-06-2011, 11:39 AM
 
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I can definitely relate. I'm the only one of my friends with kids, and since my son was born (almost a year and a half ago) I find that I never get invited out anymore. It makes sense (most of the places my friends go aren't kid-friendly) but it still hurts a little bit. I find that I'm almost always the one arranging coffee dates or even just calling up my friends to stay in touch. Since I work from home, it's really important to me to stay connected with friends and other adults, so I find myself making an effort to keep in touch and reach out to people...for my own good. But I definitely understand how frustrating it can be to feel like you're the only one making an effort. I think taking a break would be a good idea. Or maybe you can even mention to some of your close friends how you're feeling. Let them know that you would love to see them but you'd appreciate it if they would take the initiative at some point. Maybe they are just so used to you doing the planning that it doesn't occur to them to take the lead. 


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#3 of 11 Old 09-06-2011, 12:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by gitanamama View Post

I can definitely relate. I'm the only one of my friends with kids, and since my son was born (almost a year and a half ago) I find that I never get invited out anymore. It makes sense (most of the places my friends go aren't kid-friendly) but it still hurts a little bit. I find that I'm almost always the one arranging coffee dates or even just calling up my friends to stay in touch. Since I work from home, it's really important to me to stay connected with friends and other adults, so I find myself making an effort to keep in touch and reach out to people...for my own good. But I definitely understand how frustrating it can be to feel like you're the only one making an effort. I think taking a break would be a good idea. Or maybe you can even mention to some of your close friends how you're feeling. Let them know that you would love to see them but you'd appreciate it if they would take the initiative at some point. Maybe they are just so used to you doing the planning that it doesn't occur to them to take the lead. 



But the thing is, most of all of my friends DO have kids...except for maybe one or two.  Those with kids are either SAHM's or work full time like me.  I feel isolated and really low for not being included on certain things or heck, to even be thought of would be nice...even if I can't make it!

 


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#4 of 11 Old 09-06-2011, 12:28 PM
 
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I tend to be the organizer for my friends, too. Remember the social director Julie on The Love Boat? That's me. It's okay to break sometimes if you feel worn out.
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#5 of 11 Old 09-06-2011, 02:25 PM
 
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Oh no, I'm the one waiting for my friend to call me with the details of our weekly lunch and the invites to dinners... You know what.  Thank you, I bet she feels this way she's always doing our planning.  She might not like it.  So getting her flowers right after work!

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#6 of 11 Old 09-10-2011, 04:03 PM
 
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Ok so are your friends all having playdates, dinner parties and shin digs and not inviting you?  Or are your friends all a bunch of homebodies who don't have the same need to get out and be with people?  Maybe you plan so much that their cup is full or overflowing.  Maybe that is just all they can handle.  I had a friend who was constantly calling and inviting me places and planning things and wanting to get together.  I just dreaded it.  I would consent sometimes just so I wouldn't hurt her feelings but these outings and stuff were not my thing.  I am a homebody.  I am sure she felt though that she never got invited anywhere.  I also could not reciprocate.  My house is not toddler friendly.  (stairs, hardwood, dog, cat, nothing child proofed) I wasn't even when my kids were toddlers.  It was just easier for me to spend time together when we were together and not create occasions just to get together.

 

If you are feeling put out, maybe a break will be good.  One of two things will happen.  Your friends will have the chance to miss you and call you up.  Or you will find out that they just don't feel like doing these things as often as you do.  


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#7 of 11 Old 09-12-2011, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post

Ok so are your friends all having playdates, dinner parties and shin digs and not inviting you?  Or are your friends all a bunch of homebodies who don't have the same need to get out and be with people?  Maybe you plan so much that their cup is full or overflowing.  Maybe that is just all they can handle.  I had a friend who was constantly calling and inviting me places and planning things and wanting to get together.  I just dreaded it.  I would consent sometimes just so I wouldn't hurt her feelings but these outings and stuff were not my thing.  I am a homebody.  I am sure she felt though that she never got invited anywhere.  I also could not reciprocate.  My house is not toddler friendly.  (stairs, hardwood, dog, cat, nothing child proofed) I wasn't even when my kids were toddlers.  It was just easier for me to spend time together when we were together and not create occasions just to get together.

 

If you are feeling put out, maybe a break will be good.  One of two things will happen.  Your friends will have the chance to miss you and call you up.  Or you will find out that they just don't feel like doing these things as often as you do.  



The first sentence of your response pretty much sums it up.  Most of my friends that  I was seeing once a month (and I wasn't always the one planning stuff) I haven't seen since last November.  The last time I asked any of my other friends to do anything - a different group from the first - it's been a good three or so months - and again, no reciprocation. 

 

I'm not a homebody. I actually do like to get out and do stuff. I LIKE to get out of the house.  It drives me nuts to be inside on a pretty day or evening.  I haven't had that 'girl time' to chat and catch up in a long time and I just tired of always being the one to think of things to do - making the initiative to hang out. 

 

I'm taking it personally and maybe I shouldn't?  I know we all have our own lives - but hey, I'm here, too!

 

I think it's time to move on - look for a support group or a play group in my area. I work full time so it's hard to do stuff during the week and the weekends are now soccer and football. 

 


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#8 of 11 Old 09-12-2011, 02:22 PM
 
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I wasn't implying you were a homebody.  I was suggesting maybe your friends were.  Seriously, while I do not like being cooped up on a beautiful day doing something with friends (anything that takes any kind of planning or commitment) is just too much for me.  Once or twice a year is really all I need.   Even when I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom with no husband in sight and nothing but time on my hands more than once a week could be very overwhelming to me.  I didn't mind having people over to my house but leaving my house and having to be social and not knowing when I would get back to my house was just a lot for me.  

 

However if my friends were all getting together and having a great time but not inviting me I would be very hurt.  :-(  and I am very sorry if that is happening to you.


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#9 of 11 Old 09-13-2011, 07:12 AM
 
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This same exact thing happened to me. I'm sorry you are going through this. 

I went to every group and play time and activity when my dd was born. After a year or so I made a bunch of "friends" about 8 women or so who all seemed to be crunchy and get along well so I started offering my home as a place to go instead of paying for a playplace (it was winter here and way too cold to go outside for long playdates). Anyway, it was a nightmare. No one ever reciprocated and on the rare occasion they did they never considered anyone else's needs or times of convenience. It was sooooo frustrating.

I went on like this for almost a year and finally couldn't take it anymore and just stopped planning things. Sadly, I still only talk to one of those eight women on any type of regular basis. The others never bothered to keep in touch or invite me to anything. It still hurts a little and it sucks for dd. We do things on our own now but it's not the same for her and I can tell she's a little lonely. 

I don't know why people are so selfish and I really think that's what it is. IMO, sometimes we should do things for others even if it's a little inconvenient for us just because it's the right thing to do.


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#10 of 11 Old 09-17-2011, 07:34 PM
 
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Yes, I have experienced the same problem - well am experiencing actually.  Anyway, for a long time it was a real struggle.  I took it personally and then one day it dawned on me.  It might be them, not me.  Once it occurred to me that it wasn't about me, but about them, it was easier to accept the situation and move on from it.  Currently, I don't have many friends, but I've taken it as a sign that this period of my life is about me and my family.  Good friends will come when the time is right. 

 

All of this is easy to say, but not so easy to do really.  Everyone is different of course, but once is really dawned on me that it wasn't personal it really was easier to let go.  

 

Since really feeling comfortable with this being me/family time, I have met a wonderful lady that I really enjoy spending time with.  (We haven't progressed to "doing things together".)  But she's wonderful and I look forward to getting to know her better.  So things do work out.  It's just hard to see how they'll work out when we're in a place of unhappiness.

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#11 of 11 Old 09-23-2011, 03:29 PM
 
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sorry you're going thru this. it's time to let this group of "friends" go. if they're planning things without you they're sending not-so-subtle signals which I think is rude but maybe they have their reasons. whatever they are, move on and you're sure to find real friends who will like to get together with you as much as you will w/ them.

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