Do I continue the friendship or just let it go? (a little long) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 09-28-2011, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
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I'm in a situation where I need to decide if I want to continue a friendship or just let things lie peacefully and move on.


Her and I have known each other since college.  She was my maid of honor in my wedding and pretty much over the past 10 years, we've been through some highs and lows in our lives together. 


Her life path is different than mine in the fact that she is 39, single, has never dated anyone since I've known her, just chooses to be 100% on her own.  I've been married for over 7 years, known my husband for over 10 years, have 2 kids, and live in suburbia, etc., 


My BIL works for a local establishment where concerts are held and has been there for almost 9 years.  He has perks of getting two passes to every show if they are requested far enough in advance.  With her being a music guru and in to that scene just as much as I am (or have time for), I told her about my BIL's ticket access.  Since then, any show that comes to town that she wants to go, she doesn't hesitate to ask him for the tickets.  Out of all of those shows that she's requested the tickets for, she's maybe invited me to two or three - this has been ongoing for at least 4 or 5 years.  It got to the point recently where I was getting fed up with her getting to the request first and not thinking about asking if we wanted them instead, seeing that we're am family and all.  So it left me bitter and angry and resentful.  Feeling of being left out of that scene and just overall.


It seems more often than not, I'm the one that has to make the plans for brunch, a movie, a happy hour.  She feels the need to leave the ball in my court since I do have a bit more on my plate than she does, which I think is fine, but at the same time, a little reciprocation would be nice. There is never a need to assume that I'm busy - just being asked is a good feeling.


Two weekends ago, she had gone to a show that I had told her about two months ago that we should go together. I find out on FB that she's going with her usual single crew, send her a half jokingly text about it, she gets defensive, said it was a last minute thing and that I'm supposed to be okay with it.  I think it added more fuel to the fire of again, being left out just being I wasn't around, etc.,  Just this last weekend, she was at yet again another show and my BIL texted my DH to see if it was okay to give her a comped drink knowing that I was upset with her over a few things.  It went back and forth, I told my BIL that I didn't like how she was taking advantage of the situation and decided to vent a little bit on FB.  Her name was never mentioned, but apparently, she felt it was directed towards her and de-friended me from FB.  I find this out yesterday.  Sure - I should've voiced how I felt from the get-go and that my reactions were "knee jerk", if you will. 


I'm just not sure what to do.  Our history together is pretty extensive - we have been there for each other in sticky situations - but my feelings have been hurt and she doesn't feel I'm acting the way a friend should either.  So we're both in the wrong.  What would you do??  Maybe having single friends isn't something that should be in my life right now?  She is the only single friend that I do have - everyone else I know is married and/or has kiddos.

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#2 of 9 Old 09-28-2011, 08:08 PM
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Unless she is very good friends with the BIL.. I don't see why her request would trump yours. Could BIL be asked to cut her off from tickets? If she no longer has this cool benefit of knowing you .. she might slink into the woodwork on her own.. without you even having to say anything.

Have you posted about this before? This seems very familiar to me.headscratch.gif
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#3 of 9 Old 09-30-2011, 01:29 PM
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I don't think you should not be a persons friend solely based on their single status.  But at the same it, it's okay to know that single and married friends are just in different places.


Had you talked to her before about this and been told to suck it up?  Or have you not talked about it and it all came to a head?


What would I do?  If I felt bad about what I said on FB, I would apologize.  (I let my brother have it over FB one time.  I was wrong to do it in that forum and I apologized. )  If I didn't feel bad about what I had said and didn't want to save the "friendship", I'd just let it go. 


Before you decide, you need to know how you feel about the "friendship" and how you handled your resentment.



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#4 of 9 Old 09-30-2011, 02:30 PM
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 Couple of things came to mind.


Do you enjoy your time with her.  Are you guys still friends?  Do you still have stuff in common?  Or are you clinging to something that has already passed?


Planning time together. I think there are two types of people...three types in the world.  Those who plan stuff.  "We will get together on such and such a time on such and such a date" and those who sometimes will say "hey we have a while.  want to go grab a cup of coffee."  and the hermits and homebodies.  Maybe just back off a while.  I bounce back and forth between type 2 and 3.  never 1.  I never plan anything out.  I am sure some friends think "well she never invited me over, I have to do all the planning"  It never occured to me  someone might feel that way until I started reading in this forum a few months ago.  Some people just do not plan social stuff in advance.  You should not take it personally.  It doesn't mean that they do not like you, are not thinking of you, or expect you to do all the work.  really I expect nothing.  When my friends stop with the scheduling eventually I will call them and say "hey want to go to the park/go get coffee/hit the zoo. "  If it bugs you hang back a bit and see if she calls you up.  Give her a chance to call you and invite you somewhere.  


Tickets.  This is a complicated issue.  This has been going on for years.  So BIL knows her by now.  She is not just your friend but it sounds like they have been interacting enough to know each other and be working this out among themselves.  and he is giving her drinks on the house too.  So they are friends.  maybe not good friends but i am assuming she feels comfortable going to him and asking and he does not feel put out by this.  So she is getting to them first and BIL is not thinking of you.  Have you tried beating her to the punch.  I mean surely if you asked BIL first he would give them to you?  Then if you wanted to go with her you could invite her or invite someone else if you wanted.  


She  sounds like she is not very good at taking a subtle hint.  So you should be direct and tell her how you are feeling.  Don't beat around the bush.   if you want to go to a concert with her approach her before she gets to your BIl and ask her to join you and offer to get the tickets from BIL.   Or get them first and then invite her. Your BIL has the right to give those tickets to whoever he wants though and if you want them you need to address it with him.  Not your friend.  If she is racing you for tickets she knows you want that is rude.  just rude.  And if that is the case you need to talk to your BIl and maybe have him call you before he talks to her to see if you might want the tickets.  Whatever, this is something between you and your BIL.  This has been going on too long for her to not feel entitled to them.  And it is really not between you and her.  It is between you and BIL.


How obvious was it that you were complaining about her on fb.  Honestly if my best friend was using her fb status to get a message to me or whining about me publicly without consideration of my feelings I would defriend them too.  Sometimes the best thing for a friendship is to not be FB friends.  The more people I am facebook friends with the less I feel comfortable saying LOL

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#5 of 9 Old 09-30-2011, 02:32 PM
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I don't think I fully understand - are you mad that she asks your BIL for the tickets or mad that when she gets the tickets she doesn't invite you? If you want to go to the show, is there a reason you don't ask BIL for the tickets, or do you ask and BIL gives her priority?


Either way, it's always smarter to discuss such things in person rather than snarking on Facebook where it can be seen by everyone on your friends list.

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#6 of 9 Old 09-30-2011, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Have you posted about this before? This seems very familiar to me.headscratch.gif

Me too -- I kept checking the date on the OP because it seemed like an old post. Has this been an ongoing issue OP? 


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#7 of 9 Old 10-04-2011, 09:35 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by limabean View Post

Me too -- I kept checking the date on the OP because it seemed like an old post. Has this been an ongoing issue OP? 


Maybe I have. I cannot remember.  But yes, this has happened before.  Been a while, but it has happened before.

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#8 of 9 Old 10-06-2011, 07:39 AM
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Throughout your post, it seems that you have been passive aggressive with this friend about a couple of different things. Complaining on fb, "joking" texts, ect. I would apologize to her and drop the topic completely. Then I would ask BIL to please make sure you dont want the tickets before giving them to her. I would wait awhile, and it any other issue comes up about her going somewhere with her single friends and not inviting you, I would call her and ask to talk to her about something that you think is important. Then, I would bluntly tell her that you feel left out and that she is your best friend but you feel like she prefers to be with her single friends. This friend does not seem to respond well to hints or passive aggressiveness, so I would take a direct approach and let her know exactly how you feel.
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#9 of 9 Old 10-13-2011, 07:56 PM
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sending along hugs. that is a tough decision i dont know what i would do.

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