Should I be concerned this person *might* be/become a sexual abuser? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 62 Old 10-13-2011, 09:28 AM
 
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I am not saying that it was a positive thing- obviously there are things they will struggle with, I just think that it may not be as horrible/shocking/painful for them to speak about if they have done the work to heal.

 

Their reaction as a child (particularly if they were groomed for this behavior) may well not have been anger/hurt/sadness/trauma because they didn't necessarily have the context to make it a bad thing.  As they became older and realized what had happened, their feelings around it would probably change. 

 

I would just hate for someone to feel somehow as though they were wrong for not having known as a child that it was not ok.  I guess ultimately it would boil down to what they said about it as an adult- do they still see it as ok, or are they simply not going to be angry at their childhood self for not knowing better and having been ok with what they interpreted as attention?  It would take time to finesse that out of the statements given. 

 

 

I can't get from the fragmented bit initially presented that the person is looking at it in a positive light.  I can see that as a potential, but the other possibility is that they have made that first step and many beyond, and they are now capable of nurturing that small child they once were, not being angry at them for feeling 'wrong' at that point in time. That doesn't mean that- as an adult they think it was acceptable, or is even remotely ok.  They can still be angry at the perpetrator and recognize the harm caused, but there is a very twisted expectation that victims (of any abuse)should always be sad and angry.  It doesn't work that way- people who are abused, sexually or otherwise, often think- at the time it happens- that it was done because the other person loved them "too much".  In terms of sexual abuse it is often (again, particularly among those groomed in advance) presented as happening to them because the perpetrator loves them so much he or she can't stop him/herself.   Obviously as an adult or a child raised in a healthy household, we would recoil at that idea.  Someone raised differently would not necessarily have that context.  Often, one of the reasons they are hesitant to seek help as they come to understand what happened, they feel guilty for having accepted or been a participant in the behaviors.  It's often harder for them to forgive themselves for being complicit than it is for them to work through the anger at the perpetrator. That forgiveness of self is, for so many, hard to achieve, but an absolute cornerstone of true healing. 

 

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#62 of 62 Old 10-13-2011, 01:19 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

 


I can't get from the fragmented bit initially presented that the person is looking at it in a positive light.  I can see that as a potential, but the other possibility is that they have made that first step and many beyond, and they are now capable of nurturing that small child they once were, not being angry at them for feeling 'wrong' at that point in time. That doesn't mean that- as an adult they think it was acceptable, or is even remotely ok.  

 

 

 

That's not the impression the OPer came away from the conversation with:


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama_2_Boy View Post

 

  This person revealed to me that their father introduced them to sex at a very young age and that they enjoyed it.  I did not ask questions - I mean...how are you supposed to respond to something like that?  They simply told me about how their father was initiating sexual activity and that they were very curious about it and liked it so went along with it.

 

I do not need to understand how wrong this is...it's wrong that this happened.  Now I've understood that people have no control over their bodies, but their minds?  To be talking about this many many years later and to tell the story about how you enjoyed having sex with your father? And not seeming to feel like there was a problem with it?  


 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

 

They can still be angry at the perpetrator and recognize the harm caused, but there is a very twisted expectation that victims (of any abuse)should always be sad and angry.  It doesn't work that way- people who are abused, sexually or otherwise, often think- at the time it happens- that it was done because the other person loved them "too much".  In terms of sexual abuse it is often (again, particularly among those groomed in advance) presented as happening to them because the perpetrator loves them so much he or she can't stop him/herself.   Obviously as an adult or a child raised in a healthy household, we would recoil at that idea. 

 


I was sexually assaulted repeatedly as a child, and I was well groomed for it. I never though my abuser was doing it because he loved me too much, I only wished for death. Over and over and over again I wished for death. I wished to not be able to feel anything. I cut off from my body so completely that I eventually started slicing my arms with razors blades to feel something.

 

I'm not trying to speak for all survivors, (even though I've been accused of that on this thread) but I think that assuming that OTHER survivors feel the same way that the one survivor you've spoken to feels is pretty limited.

 

I know a lot of survivors. I know several who were very confused about why was happening, but I only know one woman survivor who didn't feel in her gut that what was happening was wrong and shouldn't be happening. I know survivors who ended up dying young from from things like drugs and alcohol and AIDS. I know survivors who are still reeling from the pain in their 40s. I know survivors who are in denial that anything is wrong with them, while acting like text book victims (my sister, who takes her kids on vacation with our abuser).


And I know a few, sadly very few, survivors who have risen from this unbelievable upbringing like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Who've been able to take tremendous pain and make something beautiful and wonderful of their lives. Not a single one of them would come across in a conversation like the sexual assault of a child at the hands of their parent is anything other than horrific.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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