Help me battle the green eyed monster - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 07:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel so childish for the feelings I am having.  I need to vent; I cant really tell anyone (not even my dh) how upset I am.  Also, my keyboard is missing the apostrophe key, so I apologize for that in advance!

 

I have a sister who is 2 years younger than I am.  She is not married, no kids, lives by herself.  She makes a good salary, slightly less than what I make - a really good salary for a single person.  

 

I have 3 kids and have been married for 9 years.  My husband was recently laid off, I work a full time job with a good salary and I also work 2 additional part time jobs, more because I want to, although life wouldn't be as easy if I didn't have them.  

 

This fall, my grandfather (well, our grandfather) gave my sister 10k to put towards a new car.  We have been saving, saving, saving for a newer-used minivan - we have a sedan that runs well and a volvo station wagon w/ a blown head gasket.  Three kids in the back of the sedan is just not working anymore now that they are bigger but still in boosters/carseats.  But, whatever.  I can deal with that.

 

Then, my sister decides that she is going to take a cruise through the Panama Canal this spring.  My grandfather decides to give her the trip as a gift, complete w/ a suite on the ship, etc.  This I cant begrudge - he is sending our entire family to Disneyland and we are very thankful for that.

 

The last one is the hardest for me.  He is buying my sister a home for her Christmas present this year.  I am so crazy, uncontrollably jealous about this.  It is all I can do not to snap when she asked my husband to help move.  The rent she pays is half of what we pay and she has no other expenses.  On top of everything else that has fallen in to her lap this year I just cant even deal with it.  We would LOVE a house.  We would love a yard for our kids.  I feel like the black sheep of the family and I dont even know why.  She closes on a fancy new construction condo with amazing views, next week.  I think her condo has more sq footage than what we have with 5 people!

 

In any case, I want to be happy for her without this gnawing at me.  I hate this feeling. 

 

**UPDATE - JANUARY**

Just heard from my mom that my grandfather will also be buying us a house (well, it will actually be mine)!  I'm still in disbelief.  I do wish the communication had been a bit better so I didn't have to stew for 2 months and now I feel bad for...thinking unkind thoughts.  Anyway, I just wanted to update.


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

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#2 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 01:50 PM
 
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wow- why is your grandfather buying her a house ? It doesn't seem fair at all to give one sibling something so grand and not divide it up between you. do you also have other siblings? I can see why this is upsetting.

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#3 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 02:18 PM
 
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Dang. I would be so jealous. Is it possible that your grandfather thinks that buying her these things will help her to find a husband so she too will get married and have children? Or that he feels sorry for her that she is alone and you have so much family and love at your house? Where are your parents in all of this? Do they also give more to her than to you?

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#4 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 02:21 PM
 
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Dang. I would be so jealous. Is it possible that your grandfather thinks that buying her these things will help her to find a husband so she too will get married and have children? Or that he feels sorry for her that she is alone and you have so much family and love at your house? Where are your parents in all of this? Do they also give more to her than to you?

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#5 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 02:55 PM
 
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Yeah, where are your parents in this? Can they have a word with Grandad? I guess he must be pretty well off financially. Maybe he's really old school and thinks that the man should provide for his family and since she's not married it's okay for her to get these things? Maybe he feels like he's still helping her "get started" in life? A lot of times parents and grandparents like to help out when their kids are young adults setting out in the world. Plenty of parents/grandparents help out with cars and housing. Maybe he feels like you're already taken care of since you're married with kids. 

 

I would have a hard time not being jealous of it all, too, and I would have a hard time not letting it color my relationship with grandad and maybe my sister, too. 

 

As far as dealing with it I guess I would try to let my situation be known somehow. Maybe don't show the jealousy or even really point out the inequity, but basically saying, "I would love to have a better place to live with somewhere for my kids to play". Or, on the other hand maybe even just let it all hang out and telling your sister, "Wow, I am so jealous of your new place. It looks great. I would love to have some place nicer for the kids." I don't think there's an easy way to tell grandad yourself, but maybe your sister or parents would have a word with him if you mentioned how you feel. Perhaps it's a tax thing and he's thinking of buying you a new house next year?!


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#6 of 12 Old 11-25-2011, 04:48 PM
 
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Maybe he is ok with having favorites, or even likes to give lavish gifts to one and watch the other squirm? There are some people that enjoy doing just that...

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#7 of 12 Old 11-26-2011, 09:07 AM
 
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I'm not sure I'd put up with the favoring one sibling over the other. That's just me. Not saying I'd say anything to him about it, but I think I'd put the relationship on the backburner for sure.

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#8 of 12 Old 11-26-2011, 05:41 PM
 
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I'm curious if there are other things he's done for you that he hasn't done for her -- such as help with wedding expenses, help cover medical cost, camps for kids, etc. I'm also curious what "buying a home" means. Is he helping with the down payment and co-signing, or did he buy it full out?

 

I'm wondering if this is truly of case of he plays favorites to an extreme degree, or that he gives in different ways because your needs are different, and come in different years.

 

But, either way, his actions are beyond your control. You only control your RE-actions. In the long run, statistics say that adults who get less from relatives end up better off than those who get more. Learning to take care of one's self is, in the long run, a better financial move than depending on relatives.

 

I can see why your feelings are hurt, but letting go of keeping score with your sister just focusing on what you have in your own life -- a wonderful man to share your life with, children to watch grow up, your own sense of self -- will ultimately bring you peace. After all, it really doesn't matter what she has or how she got it, if you have what you need.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#9 of 12 Old 11-28-2011, 01:31 PM
 
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My father and brother get handed things left and right from their parents.  New houses, cars, and bills paid.  My dad got a new roof not too long ago and my uncle seethed about it for weeks.  Of course he didn't need a roof but he certainly could come up with all sorts of things he needed. 

 

Don't get caught in this trap.  If your grandfather wants to give things to you both, don't compare.  It's not the amount spent it's the fact that he sees a need however misguided and fills it.  You guys are going to Disney!  He's paying for the trip.  Your sister went on a cruise all by herself.  Boring!   Also you have a blown headgasket, that doesn't scream new car.  It says, fix me.  Let go mama it will get you nowhere but angry if you can't stop comparing.

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#10 of 12 Old 11-28-2011, 02:15 PM
 
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Hey, OP, I've got a good story if it will make you feel better...

 

I have a good friend and this happened to her dad. So, when it was time for her dad to go to college, his mom (think his dad had passed away?) did not pay for him to go to college, BUT she paid full tuition for his best friend to go. Her reasoning? She thought it would be good for friend's dad to work his way through school!! Plus she was hoping the best friend would marry her daughter (he didn't) and she wanted her (not) future son-in-law to have a college education. 


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#11 of 12 Old 11-29-2011, 10:10 AM
 
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.

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#12 of 12 Old 12-01-2011, 08:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

My father and brother get handed things left and right from their parents.  New houses, cars, and bills paid.  My dad got a new roof not too long ago and my uncle seethed about it for weeks.  Of course he didn't need a roof but he certainly could come up with all sorts of things he needed. 

 

Don't get caught in this trap.  If your grandfather wants to give things to you both, don't compare.  It's not the amount spent it's the fact that he sees a need however misguided and fills it.  You guys are going to Disney!  He's paying for the trip.  Your sister went on a cruise all by herself.  Boring!   Also you have a blown headgasket, that doesn't scream new car.  It says, fix me.  Let go mama it will get you nowhere but angry if you can't stop comparing.



You are so right.  Rationally I know I need to just...let it go, but it's easier said than done.  My husband is helping her move this weekend and it's just a strange situation.

 

I don't think he's really playing favorites.  My sister is younger than I am and both my parents (well, mostly my mom) and I think my grandparents still kind of...take care of her.  I don't think they see her as an adult.  For example, when the town was evacuated this summer due to the wildfires, my sister stayed in a hotel with my parents, and even drove with them - they told her they didn't want her driving her car.  She also goes (with my parents and paid for by them) on trips to visit my grandparents usually at least once a year.  We are a family of 5 and can't afford the cost to go that often. 

 

I would never cut off my relationship with my grandfather over this - he's 90 and that would just be sad. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and he doesn't have it easy these days.  I'm guessing he sees this as a way of helping her because she NEEDS to be helped and that we don't really need the help as much?  Who knows?  And my parents knew, actually, my mom was the one who filled me in via a really strange email - I don't think she sees anything wrong with this at all.  I think if she had actually told me in person I wouldn't have been upset.  The whole thing is just really weird. 

 

Oh well.  After this weekend (the move) I'm sure things will get back to status quo. 

 

Thanks for helping to keep me from going off the deep end over this!

 


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

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