Mil move in? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 12-20-2011, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
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Our mother in law has been planting seeds and whatnot about moving in with us. We have been married 4 years with a 14 month old. We are in the process of getting a larger home and while we are wanting to enjoy it, the comments are getting worse. We both have decided that neither parents would move in unless its dire. Mother in law is broke, no job, possibly bi polar, severe bouts with depression off and on. We don't want that in our house and know it would severely strain us. Is it wrong to be willing to pay rent for them in a cheap apartment? I'm sure they will be ungrateful and pissed we don't let then in too!

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#2 of 3 Old 12-20-2011, 01:10 PM
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I'm not sure I would even be willing to pay the rent. Seems to me that your MIL is a grown woman, and as long as her mental issues aren't causing her to be a danger to herself or anyone else, she should be responsible for her own upkeep. Just my 2 cents.

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#3 of 3 Old 12-20-2011, 05:34 PM
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How long are you willing to pay that rent?  And what if she needs you to pay the electricity too?  And the water?  Cable?  Groceries?  etc...?


And if something were to happen (need a new roof?  car breaks down?  job loss?) and you didn't have that extra money one month, then what? 


What happens when she's no longer able to live on her own (due to mental or physical issues)?


This is not something I would take on, myself.  But if you really want to, I would sit down (with your partner) and think about all the worst case scenarios and come up with solutions, ground rules and limitations.  Write all these things down then think about it a few more days and revisit the conversation.  Do this several times - I'd bet you come up with more things to discuss each time.  If after all that you are still interested, then you need to work out a working long-term budget and go from there. 


We've discussed these things in relation to my aging grandmother.  She would never be welcome to live with us in our current house.  Aside from the physical logistics of the matter, she also has no support system here whereas she does in her town.  But the time is approaching when she's no longer going to be able to live on her own (or drive herself around).  I had to sit down and have a very awkward conversation with her about what her plans were, where she was going to go, how it would be paid for, etc.  It was very difficult for me, but ultimately it pushed her to do some research into the local senior living situations, cost, and all that jazz.  So now she has a plan, and it doesn't involve us.  Obviously in that instance she was willing to do the leg work, but it may be something you have to do yourself.  Look into senior living situations.  Look into any social services she may qualify for (either due to age or mental health).  Contact your local counsel on aging and request resources for your area, etc.  Find out what the options are other than 1- living with you or 2- you paying for her living expenses until she dies. 

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