I just don't know anymore..... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 01-06-2012, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Didn't even know where to put this damned post.

 

Dh and I split before christmas, we get on ok, see him almost every day (its good for the kids and DH and I are friends if nothing else).

 

My relationship with my dad and stepmum has fallen to pieces yet again after having only got back on track just before christmas. DH has severe back issues so he took the mattress when he went, I also have chronic pain issues and asked my folks whether I could borrow money for a bed, my dad called and I could hear my step mum bitching about it in the background so I didn't bother. We have a long and difficult realtionship (shes a cow). I then get a gift card for £100 today, from her, I am returning it, I refuse to be bought off and treated like I'm nuts etc.

 

I have had a friendship fall to pieces, long and complicated, over christmas...........

 

I was diagnosed bipolar in November, now medicated, its not a surprise, the surprise is in how long it took to be diagnosed, first of all it wa\s depression, then borderline personality, then depression..... Gah......

 

And now,  am kinda interested in a guy I have known a long time, hes gonna visit in a couple of months, me and DH aren't going to get back together so really, I should move on with my life but I feel I'm being disloyal. I'm 30, 31 in a couple of months, I don't want to be stuck here forever. Its bad enough I am banned from working and trapped on benefits (and looks like its going to be that way for a number of years to come) due to various health issues......... But this guy, thats besides the point.

 

I don't have many friends, this friend was my main friend. I feel gutted.

 

I just feel kinda adrift, I seem to have lost a number of people in the space of 3 weeks, literally. The friend and her family, DH and then whats left of my family to lose (bar a 2 or 3). I mean, this totally sucks.

 

I'm going to order pizza, I shouldn't even do that. Money is tight. I have had a couple of drinks though and actually feel relaxed enough to eat (been living off 600-800 cals a day...... I hate eating more than that, it feels wrong, makes me feel sick, yeah, I am getting help with mental health but at the moment, the eating thing isn't as important as the other stuff, I am capable of looking after the kids, I get them to school, feed them, love them, clothe them, keep them clean, spend time with them blah, blah, blah, gotten used to keeping other stuff kinda hidden).

 

So yeah, I don't know, like, really don't know where my life is headed right now, don't know what to do, what to say or even who to say/do it to.......

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#2 of 4 Old 01-06-2012, 05:00 PM
 
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I'm not sure if you just need an "ear" or if you're looking for sympathy or advice.  But I'm going to give you a little bit of everything.  I just got stable on bipolar medicine.  Which means I've spent the last three months working toward my optimum dosage level.  Those three months SUCKED!  I just want you to know it's worth sticking it out.  (Not that you suggested you would give up on getting mentally healthy.)  I just wanted to let you know from someone on the other side of suckiness, that it does it better.  (Although during the suckiness it does seem like it never will.) 

 

I would also caution yourself to be nice to yourself during this time.  Being nice could include not making any more big decisions until life starts to settle down and you feel like you have your feet underneath you.  ie, getting involved with another man.  Another thing, I think you should accept the money and use it towards the bed.  I know you need to draw boundaries for yourself.  But you also need to accept help during this transition time.  You can draw your boundaries and still take the money to make your life less stressful.  (I too have chronic pain and it really gets in the way of every day life.)  If a mattress will make the pain less, get it!  You deserve to have some support in your life right now, even if it is from a mattress. 

 

Bipolar is hard, but your not "nuts".  People that treat you that way are uneducated in mental health. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's not fun, but it is worth it.  For what it's worth, my primary doc says there is research proving that many women, especially during the peri-menopause and menopause years that are diagnosed with depression are really bipolar.  Which means they're not getting the services/support they need.  I'm glad you are not one of them!

 

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#3 of 4 Old 01-07-2012, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, this guy thing, I dunno..... Theres always een summat there and I guess DH and I have been living together but distant for so long, and this guy is a really good friend. He lives far away so its not going to an immedite thing, we just chat alot.......

 

The meds are helping lift me but I am definitely on a high right now, today I woke up bouncing off the walls!!!

 

I know maybe I should accept the money but my ex has already leant me the money, bed is on the way (kinda delayed due to it being sales season but its here on February 1st). I coulda given card to ex but he won't touch it with a bargepole. My stepmum called him ugly, Dad and her kept running him down as a lazy, fat, pointless lump who should be working to support me (even though his health is worse than mine and I don't want to be 'looked after', I am not a child). My Dad decided to say that I am not bipolar, I do not have fibro, I do not have EDS, I have been misdiagnosed and its all cos of the ex, he was controlling and caused these issues. Dad also said I have no idea what love is, I was just brain washed by ex and there is no love there.........

 

Step mum would call me fat a lot when I was in early teens (causing eating disorders, I was an athletic size 10......... According to her, no man will ever want me because my boobs aren't big enough (she said this during my teens..... A LOT). She called me a slag. Dad and Step mum said to me 'we might as well call you bury me in a Y shaped coffin Katie...... I had slept with a bloke I shouldn't have but so what? I was 18...... My brother visited strippers and prostitutes and that was all good though....... Honestly, I have accepted stuff from them before, but no more. I really can't even bear to look at the damn thing let alone touch it....... It brings up so much for me. The bullying, being banned from the house, being called stupid for self harming, the not doing anything when my brother raped me (they said 'just don't mention it to anyone else, I had told my actual mum and dad, guess what happens? My half sister goes through years of sexual abuse by my brother because of my silence (although they knew about it and should have done something about it) I feel so bad about that).

 

I just can't be dealing with it........ Just no way. I feeel bad about it, but they have hurt me sooooo, so, so bad. I am covered in nasty self harm scars because of them, because I was never good enough, never beautiful enough, never slim enough, never clever enough, never femal enough, never able bodied enough....... I was and am just a 'never enough....' for them and I am tired of it and it hurts, so bad.

 

I'm 30, Ishouldnt still be having to put up with this kinda bull.....

 

The bipolar thing is working out kinda ok, we shall see..... I haven't gone as low as usual but I am unusually high, my moods are not usually this rapidly changeing. Thing is, because of the fibro, I am really intolerant to a lot of meds. Maybe we will just have to mess around with the dose a bit or wait for it to settle. I just got one more increase to do which should be tomorrow and then I am done and at my maintenance dose. Seeing psychiatrist begining of february and my psychologist end of January (hes sooooooooooooooooooo hot).

 

I don't even know what I want right now, I want to see this guy (as a friend) cos I miss him. I'm not going to get into a relationship with him (although he might scratch an itch pmsl........). The ex kissed me last night which freaked me out, he said I loked like I needed a kiss and that I shouldn't worry because it doesn't mean anything....... Kinda odd. I know I can't get back with him, we work better as friends. So, yeah, staying away from romantic relationships because I know I am incapable at the moment.......

 

I think everything I have written here quite obviously shows that I am somewhat confused, unfocused etc etc etc.......

 

Thanks for your reply. I need more input from real people with bipolar, its all very well reading books and talking to health professionals but I need REAL experiences......... So, what you wrote made me feel better!!!

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#4 of 4 Old 01-07-2012, 06:44 PM
 
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I'm glad it helped!

 

I don't often talk to people/post about my bipolar, not because I'm ashamed, but because there is still a lot of judgment out there. 

 

Your parent figures are toxic!  Can you get into more frequent counseling?  I go every other week and find its not enough during this transition time.  Waiting until Feb. seems like a lot time for someone that is struggling with so much.  I'm sorry you lost your friendship recently.  Is there support group near you that you can go to for support?  Have you googled bipolar chat forums?  I know I did once early in the process, but didn't actually post because I was still trying to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.  I was just looking for attention. 

 

I'm glad you have a bed coming.  With that knowledge I say don't accept the gift card, too many strings.  Also, you need to not interact with your parent figures for a while.  Ahhh!  The joys of caller id.  I couldn't live without it. 

 

Try to be more gently with yourself about your sister.  You did what you could under the circumstances.  Please don't beat yourself up right now.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and you don't need the added stress!

 

I forgot to mention in my last post.  You need to stop drinking.  It's not a good combo with the meds.  I also believe it interfers with the way the meds are supposed to work.  Trust me, I get how hard that suggestion is.  I actually went to AA to jolt me into action.  It's just soooo easy to self medicate.  Unfortunately, self medication works short term and you're working towards long term stability.

 

 

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