I will try to keep this short.... When my second was born my MIL conveniently was evicted from her home. My husband struck a deal with her that if she watched our kids during the day she could live with us. Little did I know he agreed to pay her. So not only do we pay her to watch our kids, she lives in our house completely free. Has been for the last 2 years.
At first I was ok, maybe slightly annoyed, but then it just started progressively getting worse. She tells my 5 year old I have the devil inside me because I won't go to HER church. Then I caught her leaving the house and leaving my two older kids in the bathtub together. She feeds them when we ask her not to, she feeds them whatever they want, so of course my husband and I can't buy cookies and other treats for them otherwise she lets them demolish them.
She has demanded we get a bigger place we cant afford so she can have her own space, yet also has the audacity to ask for more money. My husband and I work our butts off every day to be able to take care of the kids and pay our bills, etc. and she completely takes for granted how much money it is actually costing us for us to take her in the way we are. She is wasteful and she helps herself to my clothes on a regular basis and is demanding that I accommodate her church schedule by leaving my job early so she can get to church on time 4 days a week. Sometimes I think she forgets that her paycheck can only come if I get one too.
Whats worse is this is ruining my marriage. My husband doesn't have the balls to say ANYTHING to her, and its making me the bad guy because I am the one who is continually telling her not to leave the kids in the bathtub unsupervised, or that seatbelts aren't optional and that even though there is nothing wrong with something in her eyes, if I don't want my kids to do something she needs to respect it. Instead she makes me out to be the bad guy with my kids, and even goes as far as telling them their mother is possessed.
My husband agrees she needs to get out but tells me he cant help me pay for day care - total bullshit. If he can afford to buy another gun he can afford to pay part of the day care expenses. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy. So while she still talks to him, she shoots me dirty looks and walks out of the room when I walk in. She won't look me in the eye and she talks about me to my husband telling him I am tearing her from him and her grandkids.
Sad to say, but I am probably going to end up checking out of this relationship if something does not change soon. Ladies.... do NOT ever under any circumstances live with your mother in law. I now hate mine because of it and I completely resent my husband for never stepping in.
I don't know what to say other than that just sounds horrible to me. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to end things, your husband doesn't sound like he is respectful of you and your relationship together. On the other hand, it might end up meaning your MIL has more influence on your children if your husband has partial custody, and your MIL does the caretaking.
I don't understand why your husband says he can't help you pay for daycare? Why would it only be your expense? And he's paying his mother already. That makes no sense to me. Is he planning on continuing to pay her even if you use another daycare?
In the beginning he was paying her, then it turned into me paying her somehow, and he says we can't afford to put the two younger kids in childcare because where we live childcare costs are ridiculous. The cheapest I have found was $286.00 per week per child. I currently pay her $220.00 a week for 2 kids. My oldest is in school, and the after-school care is an additional $400.00 per month. If I could pay for it myself I would. I told him if she isn't watching our children then there are no free rides for her. He agreed but before she started watching our kids he was giving her all sorts of money regularly behind my back.
He cosigned on a credit card for her ex husband and he ran up the bill, then took off back to him home country. He also took out a loan to help her pay for her other son to finish trade school and refuses to pay my husband back because she says it isn't her debt, that it was her ex husband's debt. She is the most financially irresponsible person I have ever met. She refused to get a job in between her last husband and being evicted from her apartment because it interfered with her church. They paid her rent for her for a while, but saw she wasn't doing anything to help herself. So that is when my husband stepped in. Initially, he told me he was going to set all these guidelines and rules for her to help her get back on our feet and we could have someone to watch our (then) 2 kids for us at home for cheap. I agreed because who really ever thinks the grandmother of your children will be neglectful or act in a way that could harm your children...you know?
My husband keeps promising me that once he gets one of his loans paid off that she will be out and he will absorb the cost of the second child, but he tells me its going to be at least a year. What aggravates me is that he could easily put the money towards the debt and pay it off faster than going out and spending all of this money on random toys. What is sad is he really has no idea how close he is to losing his family.
I'd like to suggest you find a mediator...for you and your husband...then with the MIL. This way, everyone hears every side and you can safely say, "This isn't working for me like this." Having a mediator helps with accountability.