Where do I look? How to see out? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 02-29-2012, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,804
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Mean self-talk comes over me so suddenly and overwhelmingly.  Stuff like, "I hate you, You're a horrible mother.  You're a horrible person.  Please forgive me."  I don't know what the 'forgive me' means. But the phrases just blossom in my head whenever I'm contemplating something I should have done.      

 

Sudden feelings of regret and shame out of no where, connected to nothing. 

 

Playing out scenarios in my head where it's like I'm remember something I did wrong, I'm really embarrassed about it, I end up crying and feeling horrible -but it didn't happen!  I'm almost startled when I realize "Hey! This didn't actually happen! Quit beating yourself up!"

 

I can't handle any strong negative feelings or frustrations.  It's horrible, exhausting and almost physically painful.  So I've got it clamped down tight with medication.  Yes, I don't blow up at my kids or my husband much. 

 

But I also withdraw, head down, deny and ignore what's going on around me: daughter is bored and spoiled, son is bored and getting over weight.  They're not learning life skills.  House is falling apart around us.  We're in financial straits -losing the house.  I've gotten really good at quickly distracting myself and putting the mounting panic out of my head. 

 

I'm 43 y.o., my eldest is 17 y.o. and I'm getting panicky.  I've wasted soooooo much time and opportunity, with my head down, all because I never learned how to cope, how to get on with it. 

 

I'm really, really stuck.  I'm frozen.

 

When I can see clearly I look around and see that there is NOTHING external holding me back.  I've got myself dug into this horrible, comfortable little rut. I don't know how to get up and out.

 

Well, it's good to get this in writing. 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 02-29-2012, 05:06 PM
 
Snapdragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,623
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

sorry for your hardships right now. Would it help to articulate what specifically you are frightened of?

Snapdragon is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 02-29-2012, 11:48 PM
 
GuavaGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

It sounds like you have so much going on inside.  I think finding a good counselor that you jive with should be your top priority.

GuavaGirl is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 03-01-2012, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,804
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Thanks.  You're right, I need to see a counselor. For years I've needed to see a counselor.  I have a lot of excuses why I can't do it.  But I'm making my family pay a high price. 

 

Fear of change, fear of the unknown. 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 03-01-2012, 12:43 PM
 
GuavaGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I can understand that.  I was in a situation where I was years overdue for counseling but just didn't feel like it was bad enough to go see one, or that I wasn't worth it, or all sort of things.  All it really took was one person telling me that I needed to do this, and then it made me feel like it was justified, important, and that it wasn't just me that felt like something was wrong.  ..and you're right.  You, your family, your life is all more important than money.

GuavaGirl is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 03-02-2012, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 9,804
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I ordered two books today,  "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne, and "The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression, a Step-by-Step Program" by Bill Knause.

 

DD and visited the doctor today for dysmenorrhea, and she recommended the first one for dd who is struggling with anxiety, but I'll definitely thumb through it.  I've had my eye on the CBT workbook for a while.  

 

I'm so tired of this.   That's a good thing.  I want out!  The pain is getting stronger than the fear of acting. 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
Reply

Tags
Personal Growth

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off