Mean self-talk comes over me so suddenly and overwhelmingly. Stuff like, "I hate you, You're a horrible mother. You're a horrible person. Please forgive me." I don't know what the 'forgive me' means. But the phrases just blossom in my head whenever I'm contemplating something I should have done.
Sudden feelings of regret and shame out of no where, connected to nothing.
Playing out scenarios in my head where it's like I'm remember something I did wrong, I'm really embarrassed about it, I end up crying and feeling horrible -but it didn't happen! I'm almost startled when I realize "Hey! This didn't actually happen! Quit beating yourself up!"
I can't handle any strong negative feelings or frustrations. It's horrible, exhausting and almost physically painful. So I've got it clamped down tight with medication. Yes, I don't blow up at my kids or my husband much.
But I also withdraw, head down, deny and ignore what's going on around me: daughter is bored and spoiled, son is bored and getting over weight. They're not learning life skills. House is falling apart around us. We're in financial straits -losing the house. I've gotten really good at quickly distracting myself and putting the mounting panic out of my head.
I'm 43 y.o., my eldest is 17 y.o. and I'm getting panicky. I've wasted soooooo much time and opportunity, with my head down, all because I never learned how to cope, how to get on with it.
I'm really, really stuck. I'm frozen.
When I can see clearly I look around and see that there is NOTHING external holding me back. I've got myself dug into this horrible, comfortable little rut. I don't know how to get up and out.
Well, it's good to get this in writing.
Thanks. You're right, I need to see a counselor. For years I've needed to see a counselor. I have a lot of excuses why I can't do it. But I'm making my family pay a high price.
Fear of change, fear of the unknown.
I can understand that. I was in a situation where I was years overdue for counseling but just didn't feel like it was bad enough to go see one, or that I wasn't worth it, or all sort of things. All it really took was one person telling me that I needed to do this, and then it made me feel like it was justified, important, and that it wasn't just me that felt like something was wrong. ..and you're right. You, your family, your life is all more important than money.
I ordered two books today, "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne, and "The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression, a Step-by-Step Program" by Bill Knause.
DD and visited the doctor today for dysmenorrhea, and she recommended the first one for dd who is struggling with anxiety, but I'll definitely thumb through it. I've had my eye on the CBT workbook for a while.
I'm so tired of this. That's a good thing. I want out! The pain is getting stronger than the fear of acting.