Concerned about my mom's marriage - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-08-2012, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am looking for some outside opinions of this situation. My parents divorced when I was a teen and my mom remarried when I was in my early 20's, the same year I married my husband, in fact. I don't consider her husband to be my stepdad because I was already an adult when they married. Also he is not a warm person. He is an introvert which I don't have a problem with really since I am on the introvert side myself. But I just don't feel all that comfortable with him. So those are my personal feelings/bias.

Their marriage seems to be getting increasingly rocky. After I had my first son we began talking more frequently and recently we have talked less often. I was chalking it up to her work being busy, her knee deteriorating and her being on a diet. But then she had Friday off work and although we texted a few times she didn't give me a call as I suggested. When I spoke to her yesterday she mentioned she had a fight with her husband and spoke to my brother's girlfriend afterwards. I sent a message to the brother's girlfriend who told me somethings I had not heard including that my mom is keeping quiet about all of this with my two older brothers because she feels they would not be rational in their reactions. The gf told me that she makes sure to call my mom about every other day to make sure she is okay. She also told me that supposedly his last two relationships ended due to his anger issues. That my mom is keeping a journal of incidents in case her husband ever agrees to therapy she can pull it out. (He has not agreed to therapy because there is nothing wrong with him but she is screwed up.)

I also stayed with them for a while over the summer while my husband was looking for a place for us to live. I noticed a book about anger management and a legal pad under it. It was really nosey of me but I looked at the pad. The second or third page appeared to be responses to questions from the book. Things about my mom being overly critical of him, him feeling like her loyalty to her children and grandchildren was not right, that he plays off his stress as work related when really it is she stressing him and that he needs to drink to handle being around her. I debated about telling my mom about this notebook so she could see that he was being dishonest with her about his feelings. I ended up doing nothing.

My husband's feelings comes from the fact that his uncle had a troubled marriage and his mom would listen and try to make suggestions. Then the uncle would go and tell the wife whatever and it came back unfavorably on my mil. At some point I guess I said there are two sides to every story. So my husband is telling me that now regarding my mom and her husband.

My mom is going to be visiting me next week and has been open that she is glad to get a break from her husband. My bro's gf is hoping my mom tells me some of things she hasn't yet and I can reason with her. The gf is afraid things could get physical - he did push my mom on one occasion which I know from the gf not my mom. And my hubby says stay out of it.

Any thoughts?

Mama to Blake, 5, and Grant, 3
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:41 AM
 
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I would agree with your husband and say you probably shouldn't meddle in their relationship.  The issues are theirs to resolve, and it sounds like they are working on them (you found the pad with things written down).   Monitor the situation from afar in case it gets out of hand physical or whatnot, but don't meddle as it may make it worse. 

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Old 04-09-2012, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not sure if the notes were made in an attempt to work on things. There was a lot of placing blame and not really any accepting fault for anything.

More details: the gf told me that my mom barricaded herself in a separate bedroom because she feared her husband would get violent with her. Apparently her husband is accusing her of trying to smother him with her pillow at night. In their argument recently he told her that she is crazy and evil like her mother. (He has made comments in front of me about women being evil and "joked" about my mom wanting to poison him. As my sons get older, I suspect limiting their contact with him would be a good idea.)

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Old 04-10-2012, 08:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonrose View Post

I am not sure if the notes were made in an attempt to work on things. There was a lot of placing blame and not really any accepting fault for anything.
More details: the gf told me that my mom barricaded herself in a separate bedroom because she feared her husband would get violent with her. Apparently her husband is accusing her of trying to smother him with her pillow at night. In their argument recently he told her that she is crazy and evil like her mother. (He has made comments in front of me about women being evil and "joked" about my mom wanting to poison him. As my sons get older, I suspect limiting their contact with him would be a good idea.)


I would agree that you should probably limit contact with him and your sons - it doesn't sound like a healthy environment to be a part of.  If your mother notices and asks why, you could then explain your concerns to her.  Perhaps if you really want to know what's going on with her try to let her be the one to bring up the conversation by asking her in general how things are going, that way she won't feel like you're prying.  If she doesn't bring it up on her own I'd leave it alone.

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