Family makes me feel guilty for something I have done 6 years ago. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 05-16-2012, 06:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was a parent's worst nightmare when I was a teenager...well, more like when I was 18. I was a goody two shoes until I turned 17 and started fooling around. Then, I found myspace and started dating older guys...and then I found a guy through myspace and started dating him for 5 months during my senior year. My parents hated him with a passion because he was 5.5 years older than me and he was very into himself. He was also in the Army.

 

My parents did all they could to cut contact between me and him...but I lied my way instead to sleepover at his barrack and stuff like that. Sooo, I graduated high school and my dad (who was a retiree and worked overseas as a civilian for the military) visited just to see me at graduation... He then left to go back overseas and I was once again left alone with my mom.

 

My mom's relationship with me was VERY strong. I loved her with everything I had. We were best friends until this guy came into the picture...and then, we turned enemies. Basically, her thought was that he was stealing her baby (me) away from her. greensad.gif

 

Anyways, to make matters short, this guy called me up one day two weeks after I graduated and said to me "HEY! We should get married!" But... I already had a scholarship to go to the most prestige college in the state and I wanted to go ...but marriage sounded like a great fairytale... so, I packed my things up and left as quickly as I could without telling my mom or anybody. UNTIL my mom caught me in the act and asked furiously "What are you doing?" I replied "I'm moving out." She said "WHAT?! No! You are not throwing your life away to this guy!"  I said "Whatever! I'm going whether you like it or not. We are getting married." I saw the "guy of my dreams" standing right outside of the door. My mom threatened to kill me (but she really wasn't going to...I know her.) And I left crying. The guy yelled at my mom for making me cry. We both left and she threw my birth control pills out onto the front yard.

 

We immediately got married that same day. I told my sister (who I was really close with) and she cried. That was the end of our close knit family because to them, I was dead to them (and that was their own words) EXCEPT my dad. 

 

So, throughout the marriage, there was a lot of emotional abuse and became very depressed. I couldn't do anything but work... I wasn't even allowed to go to college for his fear that I could leave him...He yelled at me and said it was my fault if he did something wrong like leaving the keys in the car and being late for work. I was done with it and the only thing that he said would make a divorce would be if I cheated on him... so I did through fake messages through instant message with a guy I didn't even know who was halfway across the country. He saw them and basically threw me onto the ground and almost...ALMOST...physically hurt me. 

 

We separated a couple of times and kept going back and forth between my parent's house and to him. My mom became sick of it and would not allow it anymore.. Every time I came over, she became more depressed because she had hope in me that I would stay with her... and then I would leave and she became depressed. It was a cycle. My dad had to quit his job because he could not leave my mom in this much agony. 

 

All this was 3 years ago and we still aren't divorced. (Shows how much money means to him because military pays him more if he has a dependent under his name...greedy bastard) We finally got it started though. 

 

NOW that I am away from STBX... every time I visit family, they ALWAYS bring up this subject and interrogate me with questions of WHY WHY WHY? I am trying to get closer with my family again but... it is not getting easier. I get depressed and guilty of what I have done 6 years ago. I apologized to my mom a million times but she just doesn't want to talk to me. I have hurt her so much over the years. I just want my mom back. I miss her a lot. And I have grown from what I used to be. If only there was a way to take back time... I'm tired of it tearing me apart.


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#2 of 10 Old 05-17-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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Your family wants an explanation and they deserve one. 


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#3 of 10 Old 05-17-2012, 10:44 AM
 
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nak.

what more do they want you to say that you haven't already? how long has it been? 3 years ago, you said? it should be past. your life was changed, not destroyed!

 

here is my story...ran away to a state far away at 17 with a guy i'd known 2 weeks, parents wanted me to come home when i contacted them 2 months later. and i was pregnant. it took awhile to initially get past this, and it was hard to understand why they wanted me back if they were so angry. i guess they were protecting themselves.

 

there is much more to the story but things between us turned out well until years later my dad became an alcoholic, now we rarely talk. that is unrelated to my own behavior. about 9 years after i had run away, it suddenly hit me how horribly hurt and scared my parents must have been. they weren't the greatest but they did the best they knew how, and james dobson was their guide.

 

i have 2 teenaged girls and there have been nights i have sat up all night bc my oldest was so angry i was scared she'd leave in the night. this parenting stuff is so hard.


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#4 of 10 Old 05-18-2012, 12:52 PM
 
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Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. She is very controlling and narcissistic. She had a plan for your life and when you decided to pursue another plan. Teen-agers do that. Sometimes the change in plans is good and sometimes it's a disaster. It was your life, though, and your right to screw up. 

 

Now that you've decided to move on from that relationship, they continue to punish you. Your mother's depression is a very passive-aggressive way to punish you. Your mother's controlling behavior set you to be in a relationship with a controlling, abusive man.

 

Honey, you don't need them to forgive you. You didn't do anything wrong. You made choices for your own life. They may not have worked out, but they were your choices to make.

 

Go see a therapist. You need professional help in learning to deal with your mom.

 

You might want to start reading about Narcissists:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/engulfing-mother.html

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#5 of 10 Old 05-18-2012, 01:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul View Post

Your family wants an explanation and they deserve one. 

 

Really???  I don't even know her and I feel pretty sure I get what happened.  Young girls fall in love with the wrong guys all the time.

 

ITA with RiverTam.  Your mom was/is being completely inappropriate.  Maybe the best friend relationship you guys had before this guy came on the scene wasn't very healthy.  It sounds to me like she felt in competition with him for your affection, which is just off, and she has since acted like a jilted lover.  I can't imagine not supporting my daughter through an abusive or even just a difficult relationship.  And for her to still be angry at you after it's over???  I've been with a guy my mother didn't/doesn't like for 23 years and in some ways its been hard, but she has never acted like I did something wrong or like she wouldn't be there for me.  I think now she's getting used to him, though.  lol  But your mom sounds toxic to me.  


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#6 of 10 Old 05-18-2012, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

nak.

what more do they want you to say that you haven't already? how long has it been? 3 years ago, you said? it should be past. your life was changed, not destroyed!

 

here is my story...ran away to a state far away at 17 with a guy i'd known 2 weeks, parents wanted me to come home when i contacted them 2 months later. and i was pregnant. it took awhile to initially get past this, and it was hard to understand why they wanted me back if they were so angry. i guess they were protecting themselves.

 

there is much more to the story but things between us turned out well until years later my dad became an alcoholic, now we rarely talk. that is unrelated to my own behavior. about 9 years after i had run away, it suddenly hit me how horribly hurt and scared my parents must have been. they weren't the greatest but they did the best they knew how, and james dobson was their guide.

 

i have 2 teenaged girls and there have been nights i have sat up all night bc my oldest was so angry i was scared she'd leave in the night. this parenting stuff is so hard.

 

I have explained to them many times about what happened and it's like they don't like my answer; they want a different answer that they can say "oooh, i understand..." Like for example, if I was pregnant when I was 18, then my family would understand about why I ran off and married him...but I wasn't. And they just don't get that I was blinded by love.

 

Also, now that I am a parent, I can't imagine raising a teenage girl. I would be afraid that she would be like me and do something similar to what I did. Parenting is hard. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverTam View Post

Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. She is very controlling and narcissistic. She had a plan for your life and when you decided to pursue another plan. Teen-agers do that. Sometimes the change in plans is good and sometimes it's a disaster. It was your life, though, and your right to screw up. 

 

Now that you've decided to move on from that relationship, they continue to punish you. Your mother's depression is a very passive-aggressive way to punish you. Your mother's controlling behavior set you to be in a relationship with a controlling, abusive man.

 

Honey, you don't need them to forgive you. You didn't do anything wrong. You made choices for your own life. They may not have worked out, but they were your choices to make.

 

Go see a therapist. You need professional help in learning to deal with your mom.

 

You might want to start reading about Narcissists:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/engulfing-mother.html

 

Yeah, this sounds a lot like her. She lived her life through my eyes and pushed me into things I didn't want to do. She didn't have an easy childhood either. Her mother died at the age of 11 and had to take care of her 5 brothers all by herself. She then got pregnant at the age 14 and was with a very abusive man (she still has the scars). She finally left him at 17. Then she found my dad. So I think she wanted me to have better teen years than she had. But, then again, it sucks that she is pushing me away...still. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rubidoux View Post

 

Really???  I don't even know her and I feel pretty sure I get what happened.  Young girls fall in love with the wrong guys all the time.

 

ITA with RiverTam.  Your mom was/is being completely inappropriate.  Maybe the best friend relationship you guys had before this guy came on the scene wasn't very healthy.  It sounds to me like she felt in competition with him for your affection, which is just off, and she has since acted like a jilted lover.  I can't imagine not supporting my daughter through an abusive or even just a difficult relationship.  And for her to still be angry at you after it's over???  I've been with a guy my mother didn't/doesn't like for 23 years and in some ways its been hard, but she has never acted like I did something wrong or like she wouldn't be there for me.  I think now she's getting used to him, though.  lol  But your mom sounds toxic to me.  

 

Yeah, I agree it wasn't healthy about me and my mom's relationship. After the separation, she pretty much said "ha.. told you so." We did started talking a little bit between me and STBX's separation and when I started dating DBF... when I told her about my DBF, she stopped talking to me again. Now that I have a baby with DBF, she doesn't want anything to do with me. I guess it's because I had an out of wedlock baby? Maybe it's because I had a relationship while still married? Idk. 


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#7 of 10 Old 05-18-2012, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, and thanks for the link RiverTam!


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#8 of 10 Old 06-18-2012, 08:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul View Post

Your family wants an explanation and they deserve one. 

 

Hm. Well it sounds like they know what happened. I mean, no offense, but OP you were basically young and determined to do what you wanted right? what other explination is there?

 

They should lay off you. It over with, and it's time to move on. In my opinion.


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#9 of 10 Old 06-25-2012, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hm. Well it sounds like they know what happened. I mean, no offense, but OP you were basically young and determined to do what you wanted right? what other explination is there?

 

They should lay off you. It over with, and it's time to move on. In my opinion.

 

I didn't even realized you posted until now.  But yes, I explained about how I fell in love with him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life... My mom questioned me constantly if I was pregnant and had a miscarriage... She thinks that is what happened and I am not telling. So, I just let it slide. There is no convincing them. disappointed.gif


SAHM, college student, AND expecting #2 EDD March 20 2014! belly.gif(25)  * DS (10/2010)jog.gif *

 

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#10 of 10 Old 06-25-2012, 10:03 PM
 
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I didn't even realized you posted until now.  But yes, I explained about how I fell in love with him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life... My mom questioned me constantly if I was pregnant and had a miscarriage... She thinks that is what happened and I am not telling. So, I just let it slide. There is no convincing them. disappointed.gif


Wow. Well honestly I would let it go too. Your family can't take your word for it, then who cares what they think? Just be you rloving awesome self and maybe someday things will get easier. <3


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