Learning to trust .. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 06-10-2012, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am unsure of where to go.  I was cheated on by an ex boyfriend 6 years ago and I feel that it is realy starting to take it's toll on my marriage. I love my husband and I do trust him but I get triggered by silly things and then my mind spirals out of control with thoughts and worries and I don't know what to do about it. My husband is the best father to our two sons and life has been a little stressful lately we both have been busy and haven't had much time together.  He recenly got a birthday card from work and one of the girls in the office signed it with a heart <3 and it really bothered me, who does that to a married man? I had bad dreams that night and then I met her last night at a wedding and she's 9 years younger and really cute and then I just got out of control with negative thoughts. My husband and I talked about it and he knew that it would bother me and reassured me but he did tell me that it hurts his feelings that I don't trust him. I DO.

 

I'm so lost and don't know where to go because I hate feeling this way, I don't want these feelings and to think that my loving wonderful husband would do anything bad I have such a bad past I'm not sure how to overcome it

 

Any advice would be really helpful

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#2 of 6 Old 06-11-2012, 11:21 AM
 
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i am so sorry. i had an ex husband that also cheated and it took me so many years to learn to trust, and i think it also takes extra patience from a new spouse to help you work through it. a heart on a birthday card would have also bothered me and  think it's inappropriate as well but it sounds like your husband recognized that also.

 

have you considered counseling? it's just such a difficult issue and i wish you all the best in sorting it out.


Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#3 of 6 Old 06-11-2012, 08:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much. It's hard to consider counseling as I am a counselor myself and think I can "do it on my own" and know exactly what I need to do but I know it's probably the best route for me.Luckily I have a loving and patient spouse now, but I thank you for the reassurance that it is what I need!

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#4 of 6 Old 06-14-2012, 08:27 AM
 
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in your post, you don't really give a reason to trust or not to trust your husband.  To me, it sounds like there are some minor issues in your relationship, but rather than seeing them for what they are, you are taking all the responsibility and deciding that fixing yourself, rather than improving the relationship is the key.

 

You guys have drifted a part a bit. I get it -- life gets in the way. But this is the first thing you need to tackle. If this is the only problem in your relationship, it will be really easy to fix things. All you have to do is for BOTH of you to start valuing spending time together and then go do things that you both enjoy. Really. Just have fun together. If you guys are spending time together laughing, talking, doing things you both enjoy, you won't be so hung up on women he works with, because you will know that that you have together is just freakin awesome.

 

However, if you cannot convince him that the two of you need to spend time together having fun, or if you guys start spending time together and it just isn't fun, then you have real relationship problems that you will both need to tackle together.

 

Pivot your own thoughts away from other women and into what is actually going on between you and your spouse. After all, is your goal to have a man in your life who you know will always keep his pants zipped, even if he is miserable and the two of you no longer have anything in common? or is it to be in an amazing relationship where neither of you could stand the thought of losing the other because what you have together is so fulfilling?
 

Be honest with yourself -- the reason you are currently having trouble trusting isn't your ex -- it is because your relationship has gotten stale and you have transitioned more to being co-parents that lovers. Then use that honesty as a wake up call to Just Have Fun with Your Spouse.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#5 of 6 Old 06-18-2012, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you!  I needed that....

 

definitely my goal: to be in an amazing relationship where neither of you could stand the thought of losing the other because what you have together is so fulfilling?
 

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#6 of 6 Old 06-18-2012, 02:53 PM
 
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I don't have any advice.  I'm still struggling. I trusted DBF fully before this experience and promised me all the time that he would NEVER cheat on me.

 

Let me tell you my personal experience. DBF worked with a bunch of girls last year at a call center and I didn't mind...until he started hanging out with one in particular. She was pretty, about my age, and could relate with DBF well when having conversations with him. They constantly texted throughout the day and they wrote notes during work. (She put hearts next to his name... grr) I, at the time, was working at home for a company that required 12 hours out of my day... We rarely saw and talked with each other. On top of that, I had the rigors of taking care of DS (he was FTT baby). After seeing them hang out one day and were being cutesy with each other, my temperament changed. DBF assured me nothing was going on...and I believed him. She eventually quit the job to go to school full time, but they still talk from time to time....rarely.  He knows that I still have a problem with her. But he used to drop all our plans  just to go out with her at her every cry, and would also go out to the bar with her and get drunk together... irked.gif

 

A month later, he met another female coworker.  She wasn't really...well, attractive.  She wasn't even DBF's type. headscratch.gif But they could talk about everything! They constantly texted with each other. Wrote a nice card for him and such. At first, he lied to me about her because he said he did nothing with her. I had a really irky feeling about it...so the ONE time I looked through his phone and I found that he and her were texting very DEEP messages with each other of how they wish they could be together and such. My heart sank and I always trusted him until that moment. I told him about the messages and he told me about their emotional affair. AND they kissed. greensad.gif I took DS and ran off to his sister's house. 

 

So, a year later and I still only feel like I can only trust him 80%. It has been a BIG struggle for me to learn to trust him again. We have come a long way though and I can tell he has changed since then.  In fact, we love each other more. Those "petty" little things though... could of given me clues. 

 

Just to note, I am only telling my experience....


SAHM, college student, AND expecting #2 EDD March 20 2014! belly.gif(25)  * DS (10/2010)jog.gif *

 

Loving life with DBF (24) flowersforyou.gif since 10/2009 heartbeat.gif

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