SIL invited HER friend to MY wedding! How to uninvite?? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What should I do about the uninvited (by me) wedding guest?
Uninvite her myself 4 28.57%
make sil univite her 3 21.43%
Nothing, she's been invited, let it go 7 50.00%
other 0 0%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 16 Old 07-18-2012, 09:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I put this in personal growth because it seems to fit here best, as confrontation is one thing I struggle with. I want to be assertive, but I don't like confrontation and I don't like conflict. I'm so upset to be put in this position!

 

History: My SIL has a real issue with showing up at parties and gatherings with random people. Well, they may not be random to her, but are to everyone else. At Easter she brought a coworker with her then she left and I felt obligated, as hostess, to make her feel comfortable as she knew NO ONE, so I sat and spoke to her but was ignoring my other guests and did not enjoy the gathering I worked so hard to put together. Not that she wasn't a perfectly nice person, she was. But it was awkward. Sil does this kind of thing a lot, to everyone. My DH has spoken to her about it, in fact, he was pretty mean to her about it after the Easter incident. Of course, sil inappropriately TOLD the uninvited guest that dh was mad about her coming, so the poor woman apologized to me profusely the next time I ran into her at the grocery store. Of course, I brushed it off, told her it was fine, because she should never have been made to feel like it was HER. That wasn't the point, it was SIL always showing up with strangers at family events. 

 

Now, DH and I are getting "officially" married, we have lived together for ten years, have four children together, have bought and paid for a house together, we  wear rings, we call each other dh and dw etc but just now doing the wedding thing. 

 

I don't mean to say that it's "no big deal", because it is meaningful. But it's not like we are just starting out, we don't want the wedding itself to be a big production, we just want a simple ceremony with close family at our home. We are not inviting our entire family, because with aunts and uncles and great aunts and cousins and second cousins etc, we got up to 150 count and said whoa, wait..... we decided to make it just those we are really and truly close to, parents, siblings, those aunts uncles and cousins that live close by and we are close to and see often. Not to exclude the others, but we are not trying to spend a fortune, nor do I want anyone else to have to (we've asked for not gifts and don't want anyone to have to travel and stay in a hotel etc). 

 

Seriously, we aren't hiring professionals for most things, my sister is catering, my best friend is taking pictures, my dh built a deck for us get married on, we will put up a bounce house for the kids etc. and I wanted my SIL friend (same one from Easter) to make the cake because that's her profession and she's done cakes for us before, on SIL reccomendation and she's good. I told SIL I wanted her friend to make our cake and next thing I know, the friend is invited to the wedding!

 

I don't want to hurt the girls feelings and its nothing personal but I don't want her at my wedding. I will resent having one of sil friends there when I have family that won't be. It's that simple. If I were going to invite more people that I already am, it would be family first, then my friend and coworkers next. I like the girl but she's not family, nor is she MY friend. I barely know her, she seems nice, that's not the point. The only nonrelative who will be there is my best friend, who is closer to me than my own sisters so counts as family. Of course, its MY wedding, I can have my best friend there, shes the maid of honor.  DH best friend, and best man, happens to be my brother, so seriously, no other nonrelatives.

 

But now I'm in a very uncomfortable situation. Do I tell her not to come? Do I make sil tell her? Should I have someone else make the cake? I mean, if she gets her feelings hurt at being uninvited, it's awkward to have her make the cake, isn't it? I mean, sil seems to think she should come because she's making the cake, but I'm PAYING for it! If she were a close friend who was making it for free, that would be different. What do I do?

 

What would you do?


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#2 of 16 Old 07-18-2012, 10:44 PM
 
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are you allowing your guests to bring dates?


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#3 of 16 Old 07-19-2012, 12:46 PM
 
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So this is the the same person who now knows that she wasn't supposed to be invited to Easter and feels bad about having attended?

 

My vote is to call her and VERY SWEETLY explain that SIL wasn't supposed to invite her, that it is a small wedding and not even all extended family members were invited. That you like her as a person, and value her as a professional, but SIL was out of line inviting her.

 

I'd give her the chance to back out of making the cake if she has any issues with it, but this is professional thing for her, and I don't know that I would take work away from her that I was happy to pay her for just because SIL has serious boundary issues.

 

If it weren't for the whole history thing, I might feel different, but with that history, I'd be up front. Polite, but upfront.

 

Congratulations on wedding.


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#4 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 04:10 AM
 
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Are you paying her for the cake?
 


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#5 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 04:47 AM
 
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Since she's doing the cake what if you ask her to cut and serve the cake too? That way she will be at the wedding as invited (by SIL) but be more of a worker/helper/vendor


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#6 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 05:00 AM
 
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I'll bet she'll be relieved to get a call from you explaining the situation. After the awkward Easter incident, she probably doesn't want to come, but doesn't know how to say no to your SIL.
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#7 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 05:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MariaMadly View Post

Are you paying her for the cake?
 

This is a good question. But I do understand what you are saying about YOU did not invite her.

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#8 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 07:07 AM
 
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Carhootel had a great idea! Having her cut and serve the cake would be a good idea. Less for u to worry about and do so you can enjoy the wedding plus takes away her being a guest or there being an 'extra' person when some family isn't even coming. If u don't want the confrontation I'd go that route. Personally I would probably just tell her its invitation only but the cake server would make it easier for you.

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#9 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 08:12 AM
 
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Ok, I just want to say, it is very, very common for the person who makes the cake to come to your wedding- especially if they arent charging you for it.

Typically wedding cakes arent sheet cakes, and there is some setting up to be done there. Most of the time they also cut/serve their own cake. Not because they are asked, but because they want their cake to look as delicious on the plate as it does on the table. Cutting a wedding cake is trickier than I thought smile.gif

My cake maker was at my wedding (a friend of my aunts) and I'd never even met her. (and we had a under 100 person guest list).

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#10 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 12:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Ok, I just want to say, it is very, very common for the person who makes the cake to come to your wedding- especially if they arent charging you for it.
Typically wedding cakes arent sheet cakes, and there is some setting up to be done there. Most of the time they also cut/serve their own cake. Not because they are asked, but because they want their cake to look as delicious on the plate as it does on the table. Cutting a wedding cake is trickier than I thought smile.gif
My cake maker was at my wedding (a friend of my aunts) and I'd never even met her. (and we had a under 100 person guest list).

Exactly why I asked.  Depending on the circumstances and even maybe local custom, attendance may be assumed.


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#11 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 02:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Anglyn View Post

 

 

But now I'm in a very uncomfortable situation. Do I tell her not to come? Do I make sil tell her? Should I have someone else make the cake? I mean, if she gets her feelings hurt at being uninvited, it's awkward to have her make the cake, isn't it? I mean, sil seems to think she should come because she's making the cake, but I'm PAYING for it! If she were a close friend who was making it for free, that would be different. What do I do?

 

What would you do?

She's paying for the cake.

 

OP - I'd call her and explain that you guys wanted to keep it small and you have family not coming and sorry, but no.

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#12 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 02:48 PM
 
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Wouldn't she need to be setting up the cake during the ceremony?  I would call and give her a schedule and what you expect regarding setting up the cake.  We fed our DJ, priest and photographer; MIL made the cake, but we probably would've fed the baker too .. I think Carhootel had the most gracious idea, no hard feelings and less for you to delegate to family


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#13 of 16 Old 07-20-2012, 03:15 PM
 
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If she makes wedding cakes - I'd assume that she'd understand there are different customs and needs families have on who is or isn't invited to the wedding.  I think she'd also be likely to understand that it isn't your SIL's place to invite people to your wedding.  

 

You could probably let her know you're planning a small event with less family than you'd ideally invite.  And maybe even mention that your SIL has a habit of inviting other people to family occasions when it isn't her place (because she isn't the host - maybe there are some other humorous stories you could share briefly with her to illustrate this).  And just explain that you aren't planning an event that's going to accommodate a lot of extra guests.  Having someone around whose job it is to deal with the cake isn't a bad idea either, so if she normally does that or it would be helpful for you in the end -- I could see that working out quite well.  If you were planning on picking up the cake and setting it up yourself, well of course it would be weird for her to show up later instead expecting a party.  

 

 

I wouldn't deal with this friend through SIL anymore - perhaps that's the problem.  Call/talk/meet with her yourself.  If you don't know each other that well, I doubt her feelings are really going to be hurt much on not actually being invited to someone's wedding you barely know.  You'll simply be able to understand each other better than having all this miscommunication.          

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#14 of 16 Old 07-22-2012, 12:13 PM
 
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The whole situation seems strange.  I think it would be rude to uninvite her.  This girl has been subjected to enough awkwardness on account of your SIL.  But I would definitely have your husband speak with his sister. (or is she married to a family member of yours?)  is there a reason she keeps inviting this friend (are they dating maybe?  My SILs friend that kept getting invited everywhere ended p being her girlfriend but it a was long time before she came out with it).  It needs to be made clear that her invites are just for her in the future and that, as for this time, there will be no repeat of last Easter.    I think assigning SIL and guest a job is  a good idea.


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#15 of 16 Old 07-22-2012, 02:32 PM
 
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I vote for putting on your big girl pants and talking to the cake lady like a pp suggested. I don't think you can trust your SIL to straighten things out at this point, so you will have to do it yourself.
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#16 of 16 Old 07-22-2012, 05:04 PM
 
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I agree the cake maker might attend. I would call the cake maker and ask her how this usually works.

If you uninvite her I would just say that the guest list is very small and if it got around that your sil got to bring a friend when other much more close family members were not allowed to attend that they would get their feelings hurt.

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