trying not to let the "hurt" eat me up/ family issues in streesful times LOOOOONG - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 07-28-2012, 04:42 PM - Thread Starter
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first off this is long, so thanks if you make it all the way thru.  Because of that and the fact that I dont want to "put all out there" in the proverbial www please forgive me if I leave some stuff vague.


heres the backstory:  My DH's job requires us to move very often. We have not been able to live near/same state as family for over a decade. Meaning our kids have never known my family. Traveling with SN kids was not doable.   We had the opportunity for DH to take a very stressful assignment a few yrs back with the hope that once that was done he would be able to choose one cross country but in the same state as my family. 


We did "our time" as we called it which honestly was very stressful as a family on us.  We saw DH a few days a month.  f.fwd, so we get an assignment here in our family's homestate.  Now it is well known that our children have special needs.  One of our children has very serious needs and just recently was released from the ICU.


My family, again I only have them, have pets.  One of my children is very allergic.  As in epi-pen allergic and the last time he had an attack ended up in the ICU.  initially when we talked about whether or not we would take the new assignment we asked our family if they would be willing to re-home the pets (ferals but one is allowed inside) and the adamentily said yes. We would pay to have the house/yard commercially cleaned and disenfected.  we can not visit or stay if they had the pets.  So if were not able to stay with them we couldnt move due to constant need to travel from our new small town home to a bigger city.


They said for us to move, they'd re-home the animals and would be their emotionally to help us. Well, thats not what happened.  Now in considering if we would move we also were offered the opportunity to remain where we were at another assignment but same regional place.  We were set up medically, had friends, everything.  we were in a good places for services for our children including state and insurance services, schools, our home, therapists. EVERYTHING!


The new place would be in a small town has very limited medical resources for us. Our family, which lives a few yrs away in a major metropolitan city, has everything we would need but would require us to travel but if we could stay with family it would be doable financially. Plus it offered our kids the opportunity to know the very limited family they do have. Plus as of now I still dont know the results of some testing I had done, potentially, I may be needing some serious medical care.  Being close to family would help relieve some stress that DH and I have about the unknown.  We really need some moral support.


 We took the small town offer and moved cross country.   It has been a nightmare.  We are now stuck here for a few yrs.  Our family basically told us "too bad" they are not re-homing the feral pets.  We are unable to visit them and certainly not able to stay there.  Financially we can not afford a hotel for all of us but can not go. We have no choice but to travel to/from (12hr RT) if need be.  The recent ICU visit required 5 days of hotels (by the way they live a touristy place and the Mcdonald house at the hospital was full.


I am angry, sad but most of all hurt.  They have chosen the animals over my kids.  Considering the tremendous amts of stress i am under (which they know all about) I am floored with their blatent attitude and how they misled us.  The honestly think that we should just be happy that we see them in the driveway.  Literally we all sat in the car for a 5 min. "how are you".  We have had to stay in a hotel every time, i dont expect them to support me, but they did offer for us to stay with them if we moved for when we needed to due to dr's appt. 


I feel betrayed.  I NEVER would have uprooted my family and moved cross country if they had said this is what they were going to do.  NEVER.  I am done trying for them to see our side.  The honestly feel that we are being unreasonable?  maybe I am? but I dont feel so considering they were the ones who led us to believe what we thought the situation would be. I feel angry, resentful but most of all betrayed.  I just dont know where to go from this. I feel like this is a heavy weight on our relationship because they hurt my kids. 

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#2 of 4 Old 07-28-2012, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
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sorry for all the grammatical errors.  I was pretty hot writing this out.

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#3 of 4 Old 07-29-2012, 07:36 AM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Family is such a dtag sometimes. We travel for dhs job too and while family wants us to 'move home' we know it doesn't make sense for us and won't. I hope you can get things situated better for your family. I know its sad sometimes not to have the extended family but for some it's too toxic to be an option. Our family is what we make it with our friends and the people who do care. Are you sure you're stuck there now? Could your dh possibly get a transfer?

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD and spending my days
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#4 of 4 Old 08-01-2012, 07:06 AM
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unreasonable? No of course not! This is not your fault at all! They misled you and even now aren't being particularly empathetic. 

Its hard situation to be in to begin with not to mention the curve ball they threw at you! Family should always be reliable, trustworthy and keep their word. hug2.gif


If there is a possibility they will change their minds and you will still accept their hospitality push for it. Keep begging them to get rid of the pets.

If their betrayal is too much and they wont change their mind then I would cut all ties until I'm sure I won't hold it against them and further strain ties and consider re-establishing them later.

I would have the ultimatum chat. Will they accept you and the kids under the conditions they promised or not? So everything is clear. 

Maybe if they are willing to compromise on the pets somehow?

You could help them re-home their pets to someone friendly or build the pets a little pet house of their own like a cat run to ease the transition because they are probably intimidated, overwhelmed and scared by the situation.

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