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#1 of 9 Old 08-22-2012, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 12:22 AM
 
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i hate to give direct advice here but i wanted to reply.

 

IF IT WERE ME and from an "outside perspective," i think i'd have to err on the side of coming clean with sister.

 

even though the timing is poor; a) hard to see her upset while pregnant, not so good; b) shoulda maybe told her right away, years ago.

 

BUT the molestation was not your fault and yet has sabotaged your relationship with your sister already. so...

 

if you tell the truth and she doesn't want to believe you (which may well be the case, be prepared for that, be willing to be disbelieved, don't push for her to believe you. she may well have psychological need to believe her husband, she is pregnant with his child!)

 

... at least then it is out. the secret is lifted, the power is restored.

 

truth rises to the surface. truth is as it should be.

 

again, tricky situation and you have to protect yourself from the abuser. i do believe that is of paramount importance.

 

if he molested you, he probably has or will molest others. even if your sister doesn't want to believe you now, having the knowledge could potentially be important in the future if/when he goes after someone else.

 

i will pray for your peace in this matter.

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#3 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 12:26 AM
 
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Do not keep secrets to protect abusers. Not the molester nor your sister. If you'd rathet not talk about with het because you're concerned she will say you are lying and cause you more hury, fine. Just don't do it to protect her


If you cannot trust your sister to handle it if the truth comes out, don't go to the party. If you do go avoid her husband!
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#4 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 12:37 AM
 
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First of all, BIG hugs to you for having the courage to put that out there for others to help you with. hug2.gif

 

Im very sorry that that happened to you. I know that it has to be extremly hard to speak of and even think of. My very best friend is a victim of molestation. I understand how difficult and haunting it can be in that persons life and how much emotional damage it can do.

 

This is my opinion:  Things like this should NEVER be kept secret. It is that secret that seperates you from your sister, not the actual events that happened. It sounds like both you and your father think your sister to be a person who doesnt believe her loved ones and maybe tries to deny alot of things, unless im reading that the wrong way. You shouldnt keep this secret from your sister NO MATTER how you believe that she will react. Her reaction isnt as important as you being truthful with her AND yourself.

 

I think you already know that speaking up is what is best for you, but the fear of what might happen is keeping you from that. It doesnt matter if your sister chooses to be angry and not believe you, that is her choice and you have no control over that at all. You have to find strength inside of yourself to, some how, be 'ok' with that. Speaking up about these terrible things that have been done against you will free your soul and your sister being upset is a small price to pay for that. If she truly loves you, she will let go of her anger and understand that youve done what is best for you to heal yourself. It does sound like she loves you and wants you in her life. Maybe if you speak the truth to her, your absence in her life will be less painful and far better understood to her.

 

Maybe you would be more comfortable speaking with her alone before the baby shower so that the two of you can talk in private and you can explain why you dont want to be at the shower.

 

You have already been through so much, you DO NOT owe silence and secrets to anyone or to protect anyone, even your sister. You need to tell her the truth and speak from your heart. YOU deserve to stop hiding something so painful and take the first steps to putting these painful memories behind you.

 

I want to let you know that if you need to talk, I am here. If you would like our conversation to be private, just message me. I am here for you and I will listen with a kind heart. Dont hesitate to contact me if you need to.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, much love and much healing.


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#5 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 01:07 PM
 
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I'm really sorry that you experienced that.

 

What about talking with a therapist and bringing your sister to the appointment so there is some safety?  Since you were close, I imagine you could share with your sister that you have something important to tell her and that it is important for you to do it with a third party present.  Regardless of what you do with your sister, please seek out counseling for yourself.
 

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#6 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 02:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulvah View Post

I'm really sorry that you experienced that.

 

What about talking with a therapist and bringing your sister to the appointment so there is some safety?  Since you were close, I imagine you could share with your sister that you have something important to tell her and that it is important for you to do it with a third party present.  Regardless of what you do with your sister, please seek out counseling for yourself.
 

 

 

I second Mulvah. I think that speaking to a therapist would be very benefical to you. Having your sister present during the session is a great idea. This should help you feel much safer and more comfortable with bringing the issue to topic.


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#7 of 9 Old 08-23-2012, 05:58 PM
 
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Tell her once to get it out there. Don't ask for them to resolve it, don't expect anything of them, you can keep your distance and privately work through it, come to some form of forgiveness or moving past it, a therapist or counselor is a good idea. I dealt with the same regarding my stepfather and my mother, but I did tell her but all was denied and if any of it was deemed true was blamed on me. So I keep my distance from where they live, and when my mom comes to visit me without him coming with, we visit and don't bring it up.

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#8 of 9 Old 08-24-2012, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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crap.gif errrrr... I guess I will tell her. Would it be best to do it face to face? I would hate to see her reaction. I'm just afraid that this would split me and my family up even more. They already expressed their opinions about my mistakes in the past (getting married too young with an older man, ran away from home, stayed out of college to get married, having baby outside of my marriage *but was already separated for a long time*) I don't know how much I can take of their negative energy. 


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#9 of 9 Old 08-29-2012, 06:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by C is for Cookie View Post

crap.gif errrrr... I guess I will tell her. Would it be best to do it face to face? I would hate to see her reaction. I'm just afraid that this would split me and my family up even more. They already expressed their opinions about my mistakes in the past (getting married too young with an older man, ran away from home, stayed out of college to get married, having baby outside of my marriage *but was already separated for a long time*) I don't know how much I can take of their negative energy. 

 

I really think she needs to know.  If you are unable or do not want to meet with her in front of a third party, I would tell her however you think is best for the both of you. 

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