What does it mean when people say to "avoid negative people" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 09-27-2012, 08:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What does it mean when people say "avoid negative people?" I have heard it quite a lot. I have heard it from some people, motivational gurus etc. There was advice to get rid of this friend I had who was actually a neighbor. ( Now we live in different countries.) But back then many of my friends wondered why I was hanging out with her since she was negative.


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#2 of 27 Old 09-27-2012, 09:06 AM
 
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I understand it to mean that you take actual steps/actions to have less and less contact with people you feel are not good for you at this time in your life. It might mean stopping getting in touch with a friend you talk to every now and then, or not replying to them when they contact you. With or without an explanation, it depends or how strongly you feel an explanantion is in order. It might mean actually 'breaking up' with a person, not due to an argument in particular, but just becuase you don't like the way that person makes you feel, or you find they bring out the worst in you.

I find that I have frinds/acquiantances that bring out a side of me that I don't really like, that I don't care to develop, and I have interpreted that as being a negative influnece on me. Other people, on the other hand, make me feel like our relationship comes easily, that they encourgae higher, nobler behviour from me, and so I like to nurture and focus on them more than the others.

A pratical example could be stopping to hang out with people who are always complaining: complaining about husbands, work, the bad economy, that life is a struggle...stuff like that. CHOOSE to hang out with people who are positive, but not so unrealistically positive that they're not grounded anymore.

That's my undertsanding of this advice.

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#3 of 27 Old 09-27-2012, 09:32 AM
 
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Some friends can suck the life out of you. We all have problems but facing them cheerfully and head on is a good thing. Procrastinating, complaining, whining and malingering on all life's little upsets is not good..... it drags everyone down.

Sometimes we can help a friend who has established these negative thoughts and tendencies and uplift each other. Other times, our negative friends drag us down with them. Release the latter. Let them go. We deserve all the joy and happiness that we can wring, wrest, wriggle out of life.
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#4 of 27 Old 09-28-2012, 07:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It might mean stopping getting in touch with a friend you talk to every now and then, or not replying to them when they contact you. With or without an explanation, it depends or how strongly you feel an explanantion is in order. It might mean actually 'breaking up' with a person, not due to an argument in particular, but just becuase you don't like the way that person makes you feel, or you find they bring out the worst in you.

I have done this in the past but not with friends, with relatives, a v. distant relative that was being too nosy. But I have to say whenever I have done it I feel v. guilty and find it is a weird thing to do. I feel like I am not able to confront this person and tell them what is going on.


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#5 of 27 Old 09-28-2012, 07:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Some friends can suck the life out of you. We all have problems but facing them cheerfully and head on is a good thing. Procrastinating, complaining, whining and malingering on all life's little upsets is not good..... it drags everyone down.
Sometimes we can help a friend who has established these negative thoughts and tendencies and uplift each other. Other times, our negative friends drag us down with them. Release the latter. Let them go. We deserve all the joy and happiness that we can wring, wrest, wriggle out of life.

So, this person was stuck in the past. She probably was a bit depressed but I think she had come out of a much bigger hole. If you talked to her, her response could be (not always) a little delayed, possibly from being somewhere else. I think she suffered from some amts. of brain fog. She also suffered from a bad memory. I didn't probe her about her health. I just accepted her as she was. 95% of the time her talk was logical and made complete sense except when she would get stuck in the past about a particular incident. I am an orphan. At the time I lived alone. This person was a friend I could talk to and who understood my issues since we lived next to each other as well. Along with that I had the security of knowing her family and knowing I could approach them for help if I really needed it.

 

 I never asked the other friends but I always have thought it was selfish that they would say that. Is mental health so uncommon people don't understand it and even if they haven't been affected by it, just couldn't be bothered to understand it. One of the persons who was strongly against her has a sister with mental health issues from the longest time. Another's sister-in-law had issues but her family totally cut off all realtions with the sis-in-law but made up several years later. The sis-in-law died at age 47. If someone has a mental problem should they not be given a chance to be accepted back into society as normal people? I am not even talking about a violent person just someone who went into some form of depression.

 

This has kind of bothered me over the years but I would brush it off thinking it's their problem who they want in their lives and who they don't. I feel better now that I talked about it.


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#6 of 27 Old 09-30-2012, 05:00 AM
 
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What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer. I'm willing to bet that people don't come over more because dealing with my depression isn't a bowl of roses. I'm sorry I'm like this. I was tortured. I do a lot of reliving trauma. Apparently watching my kids grow up will trigger flashbacks of the rape and abuse ip endured. It's going to be rough for a long time for me.

I talk about things people don't want to hear about: rape, incest, cycles of abuse, lack of community empathy. I've written one book and I will write more. I figure that if people want to ignore me it is pretty typical. My dentist told me he wouldn't recommend my autobiography to anyone unless he knew they were also survivors. He told me that under other circumstances he doesn't believe people should have to think about the things I talk about.
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#7 of 27 Old 09-30-2012, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer. I'm willing to bet that people don't come over more because dealing with my depression isn't a bowl of roses. I'm sorry I'm like this. I was tortured. I do a lot of reliving trauma. Apparently watching my kids grow up will trigger flashbacks of the rape and abuse ip endured. It's going to be rough for a long time for me.
I talk about things people don't want to hear about: rape, incest, cycles of abuse, lack of community empathy. I've written one book and I will write more. I figure that if people want to ignore me it is pretty typical. My dentist told me he wouldn't recommend my autobiography to anyone unless he knew they were also survivors. He told me that under other circumstances he doesn't believe people should have to think about the things I talk about.

Yeah. People can be ruthless and whining and complaining is something someone else does. I encounter people complaining ALL the time. At dd's school, in the parks...

 

I'll be your friend if you want me to be. PM me anytime. I was assaulted as a child several times and I'll understand. You seem to have had a v. rough childhood and if people aren't empathetic then really it's their problem.


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#8 of 27 Old 09-30-2012, 01:45 PM
 
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I think it's more than just complaining about other people or politics. It's about people who ridicule you, criticize you, make fun of you, interrupt you, are inconsiderate of your feelings, etc. These are people who make you feel bad about yourself weeks after you were last in their company. They are people who are stopping you from being who you want to be. If in doubt, avoid the person for a couple of months. If you feel better, then maybe that person was too negative for you.
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#9 of 27 Old 09-30-2012, 07:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer. I'm willing to bet that people don't come over more because dealing with my depression isn't a bowl of roses. I'm sorry I'm like this. I was tortured. I do a lot of reliving trauma. Apparently watching my kids grow up will trigger flashbacks of the rape and abuse ip endured. It's going to be rough for a long time for me.
I talk about things people don't want to hear about: rape, incest, cycles of abuse, lack of community empathy. I've written one book and I will write more. I figure that if people want to ignore me it is pretty typical. My dentist told me he wouldn't recommend my autobiography to anyone unless he knew they were also survivors. He told me that under other circumstances he doesn't believe people should have to think about the things I talk about.

 

I can't disagree with this more.  It's in everyone's interest to hear about "rape, incest, cycles of abuse, lack of community empathy."  I honestly don't know my own capacity for immersion in those subjects, but we avoid them completely at our peril and society's.

 

As a broader answer, I think of someone as being negative if s/he pushes aside what's going well (even if they're feeling well, so I'm not talking about extreme trauma like rightkindofme's) to focus on grievances, or if someone seems to exhibit no interest or effort in handling a situation and improving it.


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#10 of 27 Old 10-01-2012, 01:27 AM
 
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What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer.

I would not like to think that 'avoiding negative people' means avoiding people like you. I mean this sincerely. You are going through a process and talking about your experience is part of your process. I personally intend 'negativity' as gratuitous complaining, or people who completely deny/don't even attempt to work through their issues AT ALL, EVER.

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#11 of 27 Old 10-01-2012, 04:20 AM
 
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I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice.  Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of.  Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own.  I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH).  I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away.  I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival.  I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need.  I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity. 

 

We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity.  I had to dump a friend who was too codependent.  I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change.  The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her. 

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#12 of 27 Old 10-01-2012, 06:37 AM
 
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Thank you everyone. I'm glad that MDC is so nice.

 

 

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Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul View Post

I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice.  Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of.  Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own.  I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH).  I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away.  I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival.  I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need.  I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity. 

 

We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity.  I had to dump a friend who was too codependent.  I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change.  The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her. 

 

 

We really have to take care of ourselves. I think that part of the problem for people with complex trauma is they have these layered bad experiences that are very difficult to understand. I feel like the breakdown in communities is partially to blame for the extremity of this issue. I haven't lived in one place very long. No one knows my whole story because they knew me through the events happening. It's really hard for us to make new friends.

 

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#13 of 27 Old 10-01-2012, 07:07 PM
 
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Yeah, there is something really wrong with our society.  People who have had a good life, just cannot comprehend how bad it can be for others.  But the stable people are needed to work their magic and show the way. 
 

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#14 of 27 Old 10-02-2012, 07:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice.  Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of.  Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own.  I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH).  I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away.  I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival.  I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need.  I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity. 

 

We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity.  I had to dump a friend who was too codependent.  I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change.  The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her. 

Didn't get a chance to fully read your post yesterday. You couldn't have said it better. There is no empathy.


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#15 of 27 Old 10-02-2012, 07:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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  But the stable people are needed to work their magic and show the way. 
 

Don't understand. It's the unstable that have to some how figure out their lives. It's doubly harder for them as it is.


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#16 of 27 Old 10-02-2012, 07:54 AM
 
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Don't understand. It's the unstable that have to some how figure out their lives. It's doubly harder for them as it is.


I love interacting with people who have healthy boundaries.  I test them, sometimes very strongly, because I like that they are there.  I want to make sure that they stay there.  But these people who are the subject of my testing do not understand how much I need them to stay strong.  They take the assault the wrong way and get offended, or buckle, or run away.  The strong people need to stay strong.  Continuously. 


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#17 of 27 Old 10-02-2012, 09:50 AM
 
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I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest.  The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more.  So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.

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#18 of 27 Old 10-02-2012, 11:54 PM
 
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I am the youngest daughter in a multi generational incestuous family. Everyone publicly calls me a liar. I am so not. I'm pretty sure I am actually psychologically healthier than them. They have decided it is ok to rape their kids..
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#19 of 27 Old 10-03-2012, 03:54 AM
 
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I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest.  The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more.  So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.


That is a really good point.  Sometimes the people who seem really normal are just pretending.  No one's life could be THAT awesome.  LOL 


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#20 of 27 Old 10-04-2012, 07:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Vent

 

Otoh, what do u think of this friend? She's had endless fights with various people in her life -- sis-in-law, old school friend of hers. When she visited after many years she and another friend who was visiting had a disagreement. She had a separate fight (big one -- they don't talk any more) with a friend she was going to visit in a different state. I heard some bickering but she was a lot better than before. After they left there was some bitching when we spoke on the phone. Has some ongoing issues with her brother. Bitched about a whole lot of our common friends.

 

During the visit she put me down and everyone around her but all done jokingly. She complained to me in fun and then more seriously that I wasn't doing a good job with dd, that I didn't take care of myself that dh did all of dd's work. Whatever. It's really my life. But to her it was like she was giving me all this useful advice. My sis in law who she met for the first time got loads of advice as well.

 

And last but not least I called her recently and I heard criticism about well, not my race, but people from who belong to a certain part of the country where I'm from. And it was done deliberately to hurt.

 

I am losing my empathy, seriously. I wasn't in touch with her as such but somehow the friendship revived. Then she had this terrible phase where her husband cheated on her. She has forgiven etc but I would stay in touch and provide support if she needed. it


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#21 of 27 Old 10-04-2012, 11:58 AM
 
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Ok, she's a fighter.  She likes fighting, she wants to fight.  But I couldn't tell you the reason why. 

 

Maybe she has intimacy issues, like she is uncomfortable getting close.  She doesn't just give away trust.  She is provoking to find boundaries.  When people fail her tests, she can't trust them, so there is no friendship to continue building.

 

Or she is awkward and doesn't know how to interact normally.  She learned this from her parents. Her parents failed to provide a stable relationship.

 

Or she needs high-intensity interaction.  Normal interaction is boring, lackluster, and it just doesn't give her what she needs.  That's like the adrenaline-junkie personality.  Is she intense in other ways?  Lots of physical activity, daring behavior?  ADHD? 

 

Or she is a narcissist.  These people are really dangerous.  They are always in it for themselves alone.  They manipulate everything to their own advantage.  Con artists.  They re-write history for their own benefit.  But they usually pretend to be sweet and trustworthy.  Very charismatic.  Will attract a following.  They will take advantage of you.  These are the people you need to stay away from.

 

So the question is, is this friendship doing YOU any good?  Do you like it?  Are you standing up for yourself?  You need to say something if she is being mean.  If she wants a sparring partner, and you want a sparring partner, this is good.  Tongue-in-cheek insult wars can be really fun.  If she is provoking you as a test, she WANTS you to stand up for yourself.  If she is provoking you out of malice, you need to stand up for yourself.  Don't be friends with someone who just wants a doormat.  Shut her down. 


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#22 of 27 Old 10-04-2012, 02:56 PM
 
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Your friend just sounds sort of obnoxious and rude and mean spirited.  I have a wonderful friend who is obnoxious, rude, and blunt - but she's not mean.  She's not passive aggressive.  She just doesn't understand boundaries and social norms.  They wash right over her.  To me, that's forgivable - well, not even forgivable as she's not being personal or trying to hurt anyone. 

I can also deal with depressed and depressing.  People with problems are still PEOPLE.  They deserve empathy and compassion and friendship.

 

When I think about the advice to avoid negative people, I think it's about avoiding the people who either don't care about your feelings or are trying to hurt you.  There's no reason to keep those people around or open yourself up to them.

 

As far as hearing about the abuse people have lived through - I can't say I enjoy it but if someone else can LIVE IT, I can certainly LISTEN if they want to talk about it.  It's my basic duty as a human to at least be a witness and not ignore them because it's uncomfortable.

 

rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

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#23 of 27 Old 10-04-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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I've been following this thread but have had trouble formulating a response.

 

To me, a negative person is some one sees the dark side of everything. The glass is half full. If the weather is nice, they are confident it will get bad. If you find something you like, they are happy to point out what is wrong with it. When they talk about their life, they have a list of what is wrong. Trying to help them side the good side of anything is seen either not understanding them or being a "pollyanna."  They are unhappy, and they want to stay that way.  And they really prefer you be unhappy too.

 

Sometimes, they are even proud of this, because they believe it makes them deeper than others.

 

And yes, I agree that one is best off limiting contact with such people. They suck the energy and joy from one's life.

 

BTW, I'm a recovering negative person. 

 

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What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer.

 

 

There is a difference between processing trauma and being a negative person, as others have stated. However, they can have overlap. I spent years processing my own trauma, and then several years went by.  Then I realized I was a really negative person and that I could choose to change that about myself and that I would be happier if I did.

 

My point is that you don't have to stay stuck where you are right now. How you feel is real and processing it is necessary. Staying stuck there is NOT required. Having a happy adulthood is totally an option for you -- being able to see the beauty around and enjoy your children and really feel your husband's love is ALL POSSIBLE FOR YOU.

 

May be not today, but it's still possible for you.

 

The negativity and suicidal depression is sort of there in the background for me, but most of the time, day and day and week after week, that isn't where my head is. My head is in the here and now, which is pretty awesome. It's awesome in simple ways that involve things like brownies and parent teacher conferences and a kitchen floor that really needs to be mopped, but normal day to day life is pretty sweet.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
I haven't lived in one place very long. No one knows my whole story because they knew me through the events happening. It's really hard for us to make new friends.

 

I'm on the internet a lot. tiphat.gif

 

 

I'm in the internet a lot too, and I use it as a way to meet some of my social needs too.

 

I have learned that some common interests are enough to have a casual friend, and that I don't need other people to know my whole horrific story to have them for my friend. That's not the sum of who I am, and I can enjoy another person's company and let them enjoy mine without all that baggage.

 

I know that right now you are processing in a major way, so it may not ring true for you right now, but it can be part of your future.  You can be someone who others seek out and want to spend time with. You have a SPARKLING personality -- we all see it. 

 

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Originally Posted by MariaMadly View Post

I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest.  The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more.  So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.

 

This describes me and my family of origin. For many years, I looked like the screwed up one. It's not really the case now, but I moved away from them decades ago, and some of their crap has gotten worse while I've continued to become more together. But for a long time they were doing such a great job of faking it, and my break away was difficult and looked crazy to outsiders.

 

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Originally Posted by Neera View Post

 

During the visit she put me down and everyone around her but all done jokingly. She complained to me in fun and then more seriously that I wasn't doing a good job with dd, that I didn't take care of myself that dh did all of dd's work. Whatever. It's really my life. But to her it was like she was giving me all this useful advice. My sis in law who she met for the first time got loads of advice as well.

 

And last but not least I called her recently and I heard criticism about well, not my race, but people from who belong to a certain part of the country where I'm from. And it was done deliberately to hurt.

 

She's not a nice person and puts you down. You deserve better in a friendship, and shifting things around in your own head about how you want to be treated by others will help. I don't even see that so much about being negative as being mean.

 

Heaven only knows what she is dealing with or if she will ever work it out, but you don't need to be her punching bag. We get to make choices about what kind of friends we want, and it's fine to stay away from mean people and choose to spend time with people who are kind, people who we feel better after spending time with them.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#24 of 27 Old 10-05-2012, 01:19 PM
 
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rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

 

Hardly anyone agrees with me. It's kind of funny being so universally disagreed with. :)

 

Thank you! I work on this. For me to be not self-aware would be for me to be a terrible person. I don't wanna.

 

Oh crimey if you think I shouldn't stop posting you should see my blog. I'm uhm long-winded there. I try to be brief on MDC because it seems polite.

 

Linda: I kind of understand the difference you mean. I feel stuck. I feel like a teeter totter that can't decide to stop being negative (because that would just be opening myself up for more abuse) or to be happy. The consequences of coming down on one side or the other feels catastrophic. 


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#25 of 27 Old 10-05-2012, 08:47 PM
 
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Linda: I kind of understand the difference you mean. I feel stuck. I feel like a teeter totter that can't decide to stop being negative (because that would just be opening myself up for more abuse) or to be happy. The consequences of coming down on one side or the other feels catastrophic. 

 


hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gif

 

I think you need a lot of hugs.

 

Rather than seeing it in such black and white terms, as either being negative or positive, perhaps you could pick something to see the positive side of that feels safe to you. May be look for one small thing each day that is positive.  It can be something small -- I believe that there is something small and simple in your life today that you could feel safe allowing yourself to feel positive about and enjoy. A pretty view, or a nice moment with one of your kids. Or how comfortable your couch is. Or that your appliances all work. Or running water and flushing toilets. I love running water and flushing toilets. winky.gif

 

For awhile, I kept a gratitude journal and would write down 5 things at night that I could be grateful for. They didn't have to be new things, and they didn't need to be anything huge. It helped me pivot to looking for little things during may day that were good.

 

You don't have to give up the negativity that feels like a shield. You can choose which negativity is helpful to you right now, and which negativity is no longer serving you. You can decide which things in your life are safe to enjoy.

 

Peace.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#26 of 27 Old 10-06-2012, 08:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Your friend just sounds sort of obnoxious and rude and mean spirited.  I have a wonderful friend who is obnoxious, rude, and blunt - but she's not mean.  She's not passive aggressive.  She just doesn't understand boundaries and social norms.  They wash right over her.  To me, that's forgivable - well, not even forgivable as she's not being personal or trying to hurt anyone. 

I can also deal with depressed and depressing.  People with problems are still PEOPLE.  They deserve empathy and compassion and friendship.

 

When I think about the advice to avoid negative people, I think it's about avoiding the people who either don't care about your feelings or are trying to hurt you.  There's no reason to keep those people around or open yourself up to them.

 

As far as hearing about the abuse people have lived through - I can't say I enjoy it but if someone else can LIVE IT, I can certainly LISTEN if they want to talk about it.  It's my basic duty as a human to at least be a witness and not ignore them because it's uncomfortable.

 

rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

I have plans on ignoring her. It seems like she wants to make another trip. If at all it happens she knows we don't have the space so she might stay at a hotel or at my brother's but I'd really don't want to see her again, at least not so soon or maybe in a different setting, not being her frea@#$% guide. She does drain my energy.


Let me make sure that my thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the scene in which I find myself ~ Unknown
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#27 of 27 Old 10-06-2012, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been following this thread but have had trouble formulating a response.

 

To me, a negative person is some one sees the dark side of everything. The glass is half full. If the weather is nice, they are confident it will get bad. If you find something you like, they are happy to point out what is wrong with it. When they talk about their life, they have a list of what is wrong. Trying to help them side the good side of anything is seen either not understanding them or being a "pollyanna."  They are unhappy, and they want to stay that way.  And they really prefer you be unhappy too.

 

Sometimes, they are even proud of this, because they believe it makes them deeper than others.

 

And yes, I agree that one is best off limiting contact with such people. They suck the energy and joy from one's life.

 

To me if they are just negative and are seeing the dark side of things in general then I don't know, it doesn't affect me. It's not like I don't complain about things. Moms are constantly complaining - about an unruly child, sibling trouble, dh, the daily grind. It doesn't bother me. It's when that negativity starts turning into personal attacks that's when they seriously want to you to be unhappy too. Another e.g. of 2nd friend is that she knows I am a SAHM. I had been out of touch since she got married and moved away. There were probably a couple of letters but really no details. So, when we met I was inquiring about her life. And here's how she put it. "I didn't just sit on my ass. I got out there and worked to help bring in income when we needed the money." She knows we could do with a second income. On this subject, I'm pretty sure I've posted before, she had said, (over the phone.) "Your lazy" (in a sing song way, supposed to be a joke) and "what do you do all day?" She has 2 big kids and is a SAHM. I have one and when these comments were made dd was like 3 and 4 and q. high needs.

 

It's not like I haven't made sarcastic comments or said general things that could have hurt someone or made me look like I am smart and the other person isin't. But, I have changed that a lot as well. I couldn't say that I am recovering because I am not constantly on the attack but I have changed these bad habits that could spring up now and then.


Let me make sure that my thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the scene in which I find myself ~ Unknown
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