Need advice!! This is a very long, somewhat complicated story, but please read it carefully and give me some advice!!!
I am going to try my hardest to make this as short and to the point as possible!!
I had my daughter at the age of 18. She is now 6 yrs. old. At the time I thought I knew who the father was 100%. We had no contact other than when I called him and told him I was pregnant (besides a few emails) up until she was 3 years old. He didn't want to be involved and it didn't bother me, because we knew nothing about eachother, other than he was a 24 yr. old cop in my (very small) home town and it was a short 2-3 wk. dating experience, but nothing too serious. When my daughter was around 3 yrs. old a DNA test was completed and it came back negative. I was devastated and confused, but knew there was only 1 other person. Then I was devastated to find out he had been shot trying to break up a fight 6 months prior. I lived 7 hours from my home town, therefore I never knew of this until I tried to contact him after getting the DNA results. I am in the process of establishing DNA for my daughter so that it will be official and we will go see his grave and she may get social security.
From the time my daughter was 1 yr. old until she was almost 4 I was in a serious relationship with someone who she had called her daddy. I knew I would regret allowing her to call him that, but he (thought he had a daughter that was the same age and she would call him that, therefore my daughter picked up on it and started calling him daddy also, then he found out the daughter he thought was his was not his and she was 18 months old)...
Anyway, we broke up when she was 4 yrs. old, my daughter and I got an apartment and I was single for a year although he and I were still seeing eachother and he said he still wanted to be in my daughters life. Well, that wore off quickly!! I quickly became aware of what was really important to him and it was not her. And I tried to resent him or hate him for that considering she was not his biologically anyway.
3 wks. before my daughter turned 5 yrs. old I started a serious relationship with my now husband. My daughter and I quickly went from a family of 2 to a family of 8. My husband had 2 sons (ages 10 and 14) who live with their mom and we get them all the time, mostly on the weekends and we all get along great (for the most part). He also has full legal and physical custody of 5 yr. old triplet girls whom are 6 months younger than my daughter. Their mom is a former good friend of mine, but is now someone I cannot stand the thought of!! When my husband and I got together she was only allowed supervised visitations twice a month, but she only went to 2 or 3 of them and that was it. My husband and I were together for 2 months before she ever tried to contact him regarding the "girls".
Now, here's the twisted part....since then she (the triplets mom) has married my ex (the one my daughter grew up calling daddy). And she has also gained every other weekend visitation. She never cared about them at all or tried in any way until after she got with her now husband. She does not pay her child support, does not call them, ect. She only gets them 4 days a month and shows up at the school award ceremonies at the end of the ceremony (ofcourse) and only cares about her and "her" real family, and what they want and need.
So, that is making the story VERY short, but what I'm struggling with is the following:
1. Will my daughter resent me for marrying a man with so many kids, because we cannot afford the finer things; such as dance class, gymnastic classes, ect.??
2. How can I make them all feel equal and not show favortism towards my daughter versus them?
3. How can I conquer my anger and resentment towards their mom?
4. How do I describe why their mom is now married to the man my daughter grew so close to over 4 yrs. and called daddy and now the girls' come home talking about him to my daughter and I know it makes her feel abandoned or not good enough for him.
5. Am I too young for all this, should I have done this, can I do this forever?! (I am 25 yrs. old)
6. Should I just walk away or stick with it?? I love my husband more than words can say, but I DO NOT want my daughter to grow up feeling all these mixed feeling and emotions because of something I did.
PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE!! IM DESPERATE!!!
Welcome to MDC!
There seems to be a lot going on here!
Can you afford a few counselling sessions for yourself? It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to think through and many of those questions are ones that you will only be able to answer for yourself :)
But I do think that as long as you love your daughter and teach her right from wrong then growing up with lots of siblings and less money will not be the end of the world :)
Hopefully you can get some more answers from others in a similar position.
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I would get counseling for both yourself and your daughter. Children are very resilient. She can get through this, a little extra help would be nice. Trust me, as parents, most of us rethink choices we have made a pray they will not negatively impact our children. It's part of parenting. HUGS to you!!
Honestly I would RUN from this situation. Fast.
Me, DS, and DD Grateful to the baby I lost for sticking around long enough to teach me what I needed to know so badly We love our forest valley home, our goats and chickens, and wild harvested food-medicine
I agree w/ Augustgirl,
Getsome counseling (if possible) for yourself and maybe the rest of your family, to try and get some advice on how to deal with those questions.
If your biological daughter and step-daughters have a strong relationship w/ you and your husband (dad/step-dad) then the money issues will not be so important.
You *are* young to be dealing with all this, but on the positive side, when your girls are adults, you and your husband will also be quite young and could have a lovely time as empty-nesters.