I need a point of view from someone who has lost a spouse... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 12-09-2012, 07:44 PM - Thread Starter
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I need a point of view from someone who has lost a spouse... not sure which forum to put this in...
I have two kids, my fiance has three kids.  We're engaged, but no wedding date set yet.  My fiance's Wife died pretty quickly from cancer 2 1/2 years ago.  I've been with my fiance for over a year now.  He assured me when we first started dating that he was ready to move on and start dating and has for the last year shown no signs of not being ready... until last night.  The younger two of my fiance's children are dealing okay with the loss of their Mother- they're 5 and 8 years old.  His 12 year old daughter has Depression and is seeing a therapist.  My fiance and his oldest daughter have really been butting heads lately and fighting constantly.  Last night, we were on our way back from a 2 hour car ride and they started arguing in the car.  Long story short, my fiance told his daughter that she needs to move on, she needs to start living her life again and she's not the only one who's been hurt by the loss of her Mother.  Then he said, "You lost your Mother and yeah, that's rough, but my WIFE died and I'm in agony every single day now."  I was right there sitting in the passenger seat next to him when he said this.  It's been bothering me ever since.  The issues with his daughter bothers me, of course (that would be a whole different post, but she does tell me that I'm the only one who "gets" her), but what he said in the car about his Wife has really been bothering me.  Does that mean I'll never be enough, I'm just a replacement, he'll never get "over" her, what?  I thought he was "okay".  I refused to date him until he'd assured me he was "okay" and that was over a year ago.  Leaving is not an option- I love him very much and I've bonded with his children, especially the 12 year old.  Should I slow down alot, should I suck it up and accept that he's probably missing her every time he's with me, what should I do, what should I think of the situation?  How can I help him deal?  SHOULD I help him deal, since I'm probably the reminder that she's gone and I wouldn't be here if she was?  I'm really sad and really confused right now.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#2 of 3 Old 12-09-2012, 08:31 PM
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I don't have any answers, I am more n your shoes.  Dating a guy who lost he love of his life.  The only thing that brings me comfort is that when I had each child, I did not have to stop loving the previous one to love the next.  There is room for all of it.  Enough love for everyone to be loved in their own right.  Just because BF loves and misses his previous GF (he never got the chance to propose.   By the time he got to her she was on life support.) doesn't mean he will not be capable of loving me (his commitment issues seem to be coming from somewhere else entirely) fully.  That is what I tell myself anyway.   I expect she  will always hold a place in his heat, that it will always be reserved for her.  but that does not mean that he cannot love me.  Weather or not he will is another story but I don't blame his love for her or hold that love against him.  Does that make sense?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#3 of 3 Old 12-09-2012, 08:33 PM
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My first husband was killed many years ago. The anniversary of his death was yesterday. I will never get over losing him. I have been happily married to my current husband for 9 years. I love him with all my heart. He is not a replacement and I do not think about how I lost my first husband every time I see him. They are separate people and I love them both.

It took me a while to accept my first husbands death and that loss has made me so thankful both for the time I had with him and for every day I have with my husband now.

I'm not sure how to answer your questions. I love that my husband is not threatened by my love for my first husband. He knows yesterday was a hard day for me and offered a hug and acknowledged the anniversary. I don't think there is much you can do except be there for all of them including your fiancee. You can encourage counseling if that's helpful and listen.

You will never replace his wife. That pain will make him who he becomes and never leave totally. That doesn't diminish how he feels about you or make him love you less.

I'm sorry for his loss and the childrens' loss and wish you all the best as you travel this journey together.
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