Something amazing happened last night. I was laying in bed late at night, thinking about God, although I'm not a religious person in the slightest. I was thinking about my wounds, a really bad childhood, and how much I feel cursed with this damage. It's not my fault, but I continue to carry the emotional fallout. I continue to lose relationships because I'm not emotionally mature and stable. It weighs me down, I feel damaged all the time.
So I don't know if you could call it prayer, but I was thinking about God, and I suddenly had a new thought or vision. It was me, whole, as if I was never damaged. I pictured kind of a dotted outline, a template of myself how I was supposed to be. But also my bones and flesh and heart as if I had grown up unscathed. My thoughts had never before led me in this direction. I wanted to cling to this picture, this is who I'm supposed to be. My own role model. Worthy of being a role model. It felt tangible and close.
yes of course.
as long as you are willing to work at it. and let things go. and forgive. everyone and yourself.
without your desire and the work you put in - no you cant.
it requires a lot of time and a lot of work.
perhaps you will be healed in your 40s, 50s. or even minutes before you die.
i think growing up happens at 40 and that's when healing starts if you havent succeeded before.
ETA: i've been really thinking about this. what do you mean by fully healed? meaning being able to go on with your life? find peace? not have PTSD?
the scars will always remain. but u do go on. the tibetians who escaped religious persecution did. parents who watch their children die from hunger and disease do.
but many dont and cant - take the native americans. they've been persecuted for 500 years. and still continue to be. all the problems they have are all signs of severe PTSD and are coping mechanisms. i think they are the only people on earth who have faced continuous abuse for so many years. kinda funny that this is happening in a country that prides itself in being a free country. as a people will they be healed? once the abuse stops, perhaps in a few generations.
but you? yes you can. if you want to put in the work.
I want to walk around every day and not feel damaged or cursed.
God gave me the picture of myself like how I'm supposed to be, and I feel like I can actually do it. When I feel down, I bring up this template and shift myself into it.
I don't understand forgiveness though. A lot of people threw obstacles in my childhood path and gloated in my downfall. I won, I beat the odds, I got bigger and stronger and smarter than all of them. I have the glory now. Unlike them, I am determined to bring goodness to the world.
I don't comprehend what forgiveness is. No one has ever apologized.
I got out of a place where no one gets out. I was awarded scholarships no one seriously expects to be awarded. My life is a success story, but I'm still a waif. I was born into a subculture that ought to be destroyed. I left it. But I'm not informed about the majority normal culture. I'm unsure of myself finding an appropriate new family or social circle to be a part of. I don't know what I'm supposed to offer.
it isnt about them. it is about you.
it took me a long time to work this out. one of them took me the longest. however i would try not to be so angry and frustrated towards them, and i couldnt. till i was going through my own personal awakening. and boom overnight all those feelings went away adn instead i was filled with compassion.
i have looked at my abusers in person and seen them just as another person. i have looked into their background and had compassion because i could see why they became abusers.
this is an article you might enjoy http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/06/magazine/can-forgiveness-play-a-role-in-criminal-justice.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&
i dont know if forgiveness is the word i would use though.
i was tired of living the way i was. i was tired of all those emotions.
and so i decided that i would walk tall, speak my speak and hold my head high. the culture i am in now i was not born into. but i have found when you speak the truth AND hold your head high there is something to it. people react differently - rather than in attack mode. not sure if i can express what i am trying to say.
bottom line is if you are ok inside the world sees you as ok on the outside too.
you have been given a gift - a vision that rings true to you. go with that. there are many people in this world. you dont have to get along with everyone.
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