Accepting I don't have friends - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 48 Old 03-15-2013, 01:44 PM
 
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I feel the same way. I've always been socially awkward but since having kids I've become much more aware of health things ect (gentle parenting, not vaxxing, trying to avoid toxins) which just makes me feel like more of an outcast. btw, I'm fine with others making different choices (other than hurting their children because I have a hard time seeing that and will say something) but people don't seem to be okay with my choices. My own sister has stopped talking to me and snidely posts how if you don't beat your children they're going to be screwed up on facebook a lot. It sucks. We're military so while I have made a few friends over the years we've all moved away from each other. It hurts and is really lonely but it's nice knowing I'm not alone either. Hope everyone has better luck meeting people.


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#32 of 48 Old 04-04-2013, 04:33 PM
 
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I came here to start a thread on how to make friends in real life and I'm so glad to see this thread. I've never made friends easily, was the "slow to warm up" child and still am shy and a bit socially awkward to this day. However, some things have happened recently that have me focusing inward a bit, considering how to form "real" connections in real life. We have 1 family car and my husband both works and goes to school full time. We have 2 small sons. The days are often long. I'm often left without a vehicle during the week. I know I can try harder to attend LLL meeting where it is possible I will meet like minded mamas. I've only been to one (that I really liked, although there were only 3 other women) and that was last year. Maybe I can take sewing lessons here or there and possibly meet others. I can always walk my sons to the library or park during the week. Yay for spring! I've honestly felt lonely ever since becoming a mother. Forming friendships is tough because if one is too desperate for friendship, it turns others away. I don't know the answers. But I'm here with you all and following along. I am nearly 37 and feeling like an adolescent in this area. :-)

 

My husband is my friend, of course. But we are so busy tending to the children when he is home that it doesn't really feel like it ... which leads me to another problem: no one to sit with the children so we can go on a date or to do anything with just the 2 of us.

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#33 of 48 Old 04-04-2013, 11:03 PM
 
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I have been desperate enough to go " hunting " for other moms. I have tried to strike up conversations with Any mom with a child my son's age who "looks like" she comes from a similar financial background. I did this in lib, zoo, museums etc. After 8 months of trying this, I have managed to develop two good friendships and two more " acceptable" ones. Lol.
I moved thrice in last 3 years and its been the hardest aspect of moving. Its VERY lonely being a sahm. Terribly lonely. And having non conventional parenting choices make it even more impossible. But keep trying!

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#34 of 48 Old 04-05-2013, 01:16 PM
 
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I have been desperate enough to go " hunting " for other moms. I have tried to strike up conversations with Any mom with a child my son's age who "looks like" she comes from a similar financial background. I did this in lib, zoo, museums etc. After 8 months of trying this, I have managed to develop two good friendships and two more " acceptable" ones. Lol.
I moved thrice in last 3 years and its been the hardest aspect of moving. Its VERY lonely being a sahm. Terribly lonely. And having non conventional parenting choices make it even more impossible. But keep trying!

 

Bolding mine because I wanted to touch on this... I come from a middle-class family (first one to go to college), but attended a school with mostly upper-middle-class kids.

 

I have friends who have trust funds and never need to work a day in their lives if they don't want to.  I also have friends who are on public assistance.  Each situation has its own unique strengths and challenges.

 

My spouse and I are also in the position of looking for more friends who are parents - but I'm trying not to limit myself to only people from my own socioeconomic background. 

Amy, are there reasons you feel you can't do this?  Have you tried making friends in the past with moms who had less money than you, or more money than you, and it didn't work out?

 

Just brainstorming more ways you could expand your social circle...

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#35 of 48 Old 04-05-2013, 08:15 PM
 
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In the same boat as a lot of you mamas-- wishing I had more friends and trying to be more proactive about it. I have 3 great friends who I've known since childhood, but two of them live an hour away, and it's so much harder than it should be to connect frequently. I also stay at home with my son, while DH is at work with the car, so I'm limited as to where we can go (I know, not a real excuse-- I can walk to a couple parks, maybe even the library, if I'm feeling energetic :)

 

I've always been introverted and had a few very close girlfriends, but since becoming a mom, it's been hard to nurture those relationships. I'm not a social butterfly-- I find it really hard to put myself out there and strike up conversations. And to be honest, that first stage of friendship when you're just getting to know someone is so awkward-- and exhausting!!-- for me. Sometimes it seems easier just to go on without many friends than to put in the effort of finding/making more. 

 

Another issue is that none of my old friends are moms. They're supportive and wonderful and have known me forever, but they're at such different places in their lives that it can leave me feeling worlds away. For the past year or so, I've watched a few other kiddos at my house, and surprisingly found myself connecting with some of the moms whose kids I care for. These women have high-paying professional careers, live in houses five times the size of mine, and yet, I found that we have so much in common as mothers! We chat about yogurt stains on the furniture, sleep struggles, and toddlers with finicky appetites. I look forward to the 5-10 minutes at the beginning and end of the day when I can connect with other mamas-- even though we come from very different backgrounds. 


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#36 of 48 Old 04-06-2013, 07:38 PM
 
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Hmmm, I may be the only one here who hasn't --in the past-- found it hard to be social??

 

IDK-- I'll provide a humorous example of my current difficulties:

 

I was riding with a lady from church (one I've found it difficult to be close to, but we were going to offer help to a young mom in our area-- sometimes it is easier to make a friend if I'm helping, right? And it gave us something in common to work on and talk about... anyway); she asked about whether I'd applied for WIC yet for the baby on the way. I told her I hadn't bc although it can help, I felt like we are not actually in need, so I prolly would let there be more available for families who are truly in need. She said, that's true, but it really helps most after the baby's born, with formula being so very expensive. I replied that we won't be using any formula, haha. She was shocked, appalled, said, what, are you going to feed the baby goat milk!?!? (a somewhat valid guess, since we  raise & milk sheep, and are surrounded by small goat dairies). I said, no, we are going to feed the baby -human- milk! Oh, OH! well, I guess you could always nurse if you have to! was her reply.

 

BAH HAH HAH HAH! If I have to, oh, man. I guess she thinks ppl only ever CD & BF bc of abject poverty & not bc they feel it's good for the LOs (not disparaging anyone who doesn't, btw, I've just never really tt anyone who couldn't even fathom the possibility that God gave mammals the right milk for their own young, or that we maybe want to stick with that plan, hahaha)

 

It -is- hard to befriend people who think I am so backward for educating myself and making informed choices for my family.

 

Anyway, at least I can be the entertainment here.

 

I had a good chance encounter with a previous friend/ acquaintance from a homeschool group that fell apart years ago-- she was at soccer, taking pix for other parents & our DC (who are not similar age & gender matches, btw-- mine are 19b, 14b, 12g, and I'm due in fall; hers are 10b, 8b, 1 1/2 b) saw each other & started talking. My social butterfly 12yo DD ran and gave her a hug. We talked about midwife options in our area (almost none) and the alternatives, kiddos & activities. It was nice to even small-talk-reconnect. I offered to keep her baby during their next ball season bc they find it hard to juggle the older boys' activities and the baby's needs. We exchanged #s.

 

Seems promising, but I won't hold my breath-- she's a really go-go-go busy mama! & may not have room in her schedule... 

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#37 of 48 Old 04-07-2013, 12:42 PM
 
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Bolding mine because I wanted to touch on this... I come from a middle-class family (first one to go to college), but attended a school with mostly upper-middle-class kids.

 

I have friends who have trust funds and never need to work a day in their lives if they don't want to.  I also have friends who are on public assistance.  Each situation has its own unique strengths and challenges.

 

My spouse and I are also in the position of looking for more friends who are parents - but I'm trying not to limit myself to only people from my own socioeconomic background. 

Amy, are there reasons you feel you can't do this?  Have you tried making friends in the past with moms who had less money than you, or more money than you, and it didn't work out?

 

Just brainstorming more ways you could expand your social circle...

I appreciate your initiative and agree with you. I have indeed made friends in the past and the background has made a difference. I completely agree that every person has their own unique qualities and if I came across as snobbish that NOT my intent at all !! But I am neither black, nor white ( am south asian), nor christian, not conventional parenting, etc...it so happens that people automatically screen me. Its human nature to a large extent. So, at this point my primary need is to find friendships based on some commonality. Its not me who has issues, its the other party which does , so I am not sticking to my so called financial similarity. I don't know if I made any sense.


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#38 of 48 Old 04-09-2013, 10:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I actually don't find it hard to be social either. If I'm in the mood. I think I could be friends with people of other social economic levels. Although I would have a hard time seeing a family with so much more then us, I admit that. We are in a good place. Not poor, not rich. I think it would be hard to have a friend that has the Mercedes I've wanted my whole life and eveything she desires at her fingertips. It would also be hard to have a friend that had no money, no transportation, and unable to ever do things with you b/c she had no money to do it. So I get why you would mingle with others on the same level as you.

I'm not social enough to hang out with others that don't share my lifestyle. Like the lady who can't fathom you would breastfeed your baby. My husband has said that maybe one reason I don't have friends is because I'm too opinionated and have a very strong personality. Maybe other moms feel intimidated by me. While I feel I don't do nearly enough as a mom, other moms look at me and say "how in the world does she do IT ALL?"

I'm seeing I'm really picky too. I see other moms start up friendships and spend time with other moms so easily and they are happy doing it. I'm judgmental from the get go. If a persons kids are running like wild animals, rude, disobedient, mean, and the parents don't see anything wrong with behavior I would never allow my children to do then I really don't see a point in starting a friendship.

I've bowed out of a group of moms for this reason. The one mom whom I do like (whom has really pushed to be my friend) doesn't discipline her children at all. The last time we went to her house I was going to use the restroom with my son in my arms (I can't put him down b/c he is scared to death of her huge dog which she doesn't feel any reason to put him away when we come over-yet another reason) My son says "mommy a green toothbrush" Her 7yo daughter yells "excuse me! And pushed the bathroom door open on me and says- that's my green toothbrush so don't let him or anyone else TOUCH it!" I assured her we weren't going to touch her toothbrush but she pushed the door open again and says "one second - and takes another toothbrush out of the holder and says - that's my toothbrush holder and NO ONE else is allowed to stick their toothbrush in It!" This is normal behavior for her girls, and her mom sees nothing wrong with it. I could on, like how her girls fight and hate each other and spit in each others face. How they are constantly doing things I view extremely dangerous, like ridding their bikes outside alone, climbing up 30 feet into tress, etc. My girls leave their house whining, disobedient, and disrespectful and it upsets our happy home. The other mom in the group-she's nice but doesn't share in a natural lifestyle. My first experience with her was that my 5yo came over to me at the park crying. She said a mean girl told her to go away, that no one liked her. I had her show me the girl which is this other women's daughter. Her kids are not disciplined at all either. She spends all day on FB and laughs that her kids throw things out of the second story window in their house. She jokes "oh no one has broken their neck on my watch- not yet!" Another mom in the group really gets under my skin. She talks and talks and asks question after question yet never listens to your answers. She invites herself everywhere and creates drama about "how do you get there?" "Should we do this?" I do feel for her she has a 5yo son that has autism. He is very difficult to deal with. I find it hard b/c I ask him not to do things-like take away the toy my son is playing with. Yet he does it anyway and his mom does not step in and help with any of the issues surrounding him. The other mom is nice. I have a hard time relating to her. She is older (all these moms are older then me by several years) she only has 2 kids that are 10 and 8 so her kids don't match up with mine. (All these moms have older kids, none of them have 3yos or plan on having more children like me) She is very activity involved. She is always running and has no issue with leaving her kids anywhere. Something I will not do. So I could have friendships. However I choose not to. They are not the right friends for me and I don't get anything out of it.

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#39 of 48 Old 04-09-2013, 01:44 PM
 
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Flmom- I have a kind of friend...last time we got together her son told my son "get out I want to play my video games"? NOT sure where that came from!! But I think 2x before go over there with my kids. Sad very sad.

 

I'm going to our LLL conference this weekend. Hoping to meet some nice moms. Maybe a friend shy.gif

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#40 of 48 Old 04-09-2013, 02:59 PM
 
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I agree with what a previous poster said--- as adults, it's generally harder to find friends.

 

I actually live in an area now where I do have a pretty tight knit group of friends. I'm leaving them soon and relocating, so I'm kind of sad. I have never actually had a ton of problems finding people to connect with. I'm hoping the same holds true for my new home.

 

I think parenting differences can be a big deal, but that shouldn't make it or break it for us. My closest friend in the world has a son who hits my daughter. I have found a way now to only see her or see her and her son without my daughter. Once he can learn to control himself, we can resume playdates, but it does make things awkward.

 

What has helped me is to think--- yes, people are so different and I don't connect with 99% of people I meet--- but everyone has a story and everyone feels pain and love and happiness, just like I do. My purpose isn't to necessarily forge a connection, but to get to understand people and gain new perspectives if I need to. Keep yourself open. Maybe the reason why there are moms that you like that everyone else seems to like to is because they also are open to others and embrace differences as well as similarities.

 

Of course, I could just be really lucky. I did find an AP type group around where I live so that was nice. But I also found a lot of friends that aren't really AP and it just is what it is. I hope I have the same type of luck when I relocate across the country. Yikes! :)


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#41 of 48 Old 04-09-2013, 03:10 PM
 
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You post breaks my heart but it is so depressing and negative.   I know it sucks, but no one wants to connect to a negative melancholic person who goes on and one "I have it harder than you, poor me, you do not understand"

 

What do you know about other people lives beyond FB posts? Someone might have husband every night at dinner or housekeeper every week, but suffer deeply from a serious painful condition or a loss of a loved one which is still fresh int heir memory after all those years. Perhaps they are happy but have to deal with mentally ill child.

 

We all suffer in different ways. You do not think they will understand you/? How much do your understand them.

 

Do not wait for people to email you. Email them. Organize a tea or play at home. Get a babysitter and invite a few people to go to movies with you. Organize babysitter co-op so you have time to go out and to pursue some activity with others. Sit down with you DH. Maybe he can get a different job, and you can work aprt time at some point so his house do not have to be so long.. 

 

 

Lower you expectation and accept differences or you will spend your entire life with just on BFF, you reflection in the mirror.

 

No one will be up to your family  standard ever, neither parent nor adults.

 

 

Diversity is spice of life. I have friend who are homeshoolers, Christians, Budhists, CIO and co sleepers,  pagans, hippies, Republicans and Liberals, polyamorist mean eaters  and monogamous vegans.

 

 

Accept people for who they are not for what you want them to be and you will find Friends!  Same goes for your friend's kids.

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#42 of 48 Old 04-10-2013, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If someone doesn't like how I express myself then they should keep their opinions to themselfs and not come near me because I certainly would not want a friend who couldn't stand to listen to my melancholy opinions and feelings. I am who am I. I have never been a sunny happy positive person. I've lived a rough live. Most people can not fathom what I have gone through in my life. Sure others have it worse. Sure others who have had it worse come out sunny and positive. Good for them! If I ever become the sunny positive person some thing is wrong with me. I posted happy stuff on FB and said if I ever really do start acting like that please slap me. I'm negative, I'm sarcastic, I'm funny, I'm nice I like who I am and I like people that get that. I prefer to hang with others that are realist and see the world as it is not through rose colored glasses. Super happy positive people make me sick. Sorry it's true.

I only know my friends on FB personally. I've been to their houses, spent time with them. I have a really good understanding of what their lives are like. They don't have deep hidden things behind their happy posts and if they do they should be sharing that not -oh see how happy I am on FB but I'm dying inside. Again life is what it is why should I rose color everything? Who does that help? Certainly not me. If people are to positive to accept that life sucks, life is hard good for them. I however choose to accept reality. And yes poor me because I don't see or know any other moms doing what I do everyday. When you have lived my life, walked in my shoes, and are stuck doing it daily then you can tell me how I should feel and present myself to others.

I'm not going to spend time with others whom I have nothing in common with and whom i get nothing out of the relationship with them. I'm not going to undo all the values I have taught my children so they can spend time with children that have a negative impact on them and my family. I will be more content with my BFF in the mirror then doing that.

Speaking positively. I spent yesterday afternoon with the mom I really like. She has tons of friends but shares most of my opinions and judgements about others. We parent very similar. She has good kids and our kids all like each other. We decided we should get together weekly. We both greatly enjoy each others company. Melancholy negativity and all.

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#43 of 48 Old 04-10-2013, 02:12 PM
 
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ITA, FL,mom re "friends" or acquaintances that are not reciprocal- there are many people I help or spend time with chiefly for their benefit, and that is fine, but I wouldn't call them friends or really depend on them for anything very important. I don't mind giving in a 1-way situation, as long as I am able to realize it & either accept it or move on. I only get hurt when I thought it was a reciprocal friendship, and it turns out being 1-way all the time (I'm not talking about helping a real friend thru a hard time when she can't give much-- that is part and parcel of friendship imo & a -friend- would do the same in return).

 

I've been where you are Path2Felicity, I moved away from this area years ago-- I'd had a great HS group with many moms I considered to be friends... a couple years later, I returned here & the HS group had fallen apart, several friends were moving away or had done so already. One mom I thought was a friend had changed/ begun revealing her true colors. The place where I'd moved to for a year or so had been brutal. That is to say, things change, and geography isn't everything. I hope your move goes smoothly & you find some great people at your new home.

 

The differing lifestyles/ parenting choices issue is hard, but not impossible, like a PP said. One of my best friends has parenting issues. Our DS1s are 19yo now & she is starting to see how her decisions are playing out in his adult life-- sadly, he is waiting to see if his abuse of his pregnant gf will be called a felony or not(!)... but she is not doing anything signficantly differently with her DD (who is over 10 yrs younger). It's hard for me to see her go thru the pain bc I care about her, but it's harder to see her make the same mistakes with her DD.

 

An additional problem for me (& prolly others) is that we live in a very rural area. I don't meet ppl at the park or museum-- the nearest park is a 40 min drive away! The nearest museum is 3+ hours, lol. Our "park" is our 10 acres, usually. We tt ppl at soccer a few hours a week, a few weeks a year, etc, but it usually isn't the basis for a friendship. That and a very small limited # of ppl at church who think I'm a kook or something, hehe.

 

Like a few others have said, I'm mostly fine with where I'm at, but it occurs to me that there are times when one -needs- a friend, like when I give birth in a few months! When I really and truly -cannot- do it all, it'd be great to know there was a friend to listen or even help out. The upside is, it'll make our family stronger, & DH & I are really bonding and becoming better friends. I have thought that this may also be the time when DD and I move from a mostly parent-child relationship to a more adult-(young) adult relationship (at least she wants to have a specific job in the delivery room :)

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#44 of 48 Old 04-10-2013, 02:43 PM
 
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Well, I know it's not the same as IRL, but if anyone from this thread wants to be long-distance friends, PM me.  I'll add you to Facebook or we can text if you have a phone.  Real life friends are different, of course, but better that than nothing.  ;)

 

We don't have family either.  No cousins for our kids, no grandmas.  I don't fit into our small town mom groups, so far.  I'm sure eventually I'll find my groove but I'd like social interaction, even if it's just online.

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#45 of 48 Old 04-10-2013, 03:01 PM
 
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Just read the rest of the thread -after- I posted, sorry...

 

FLmom, I'm glad you have one mom you can comfortably socialize with-- that can be a real lifesaver!

 

Re differing opinions expressed... idk, I see merit in both points of view ~shrug~

 

Accepting others as they are is as important as being accepted as you are & I think that is what you each, respectively, were getting at.

 

Part of "accepting I don't have friends" - the name of the thread - involves ultimately deciding how to proceed. One may accept it & not particularly want to change it-- fine; another may come to realize there are changes she want to make to alter her situation--  also fine. I think we're (mostly) all here trying to assess and work out where we are, so we can decide how to proceed & maybe in the process give & receive support from others who are (or have been) there... right?

 

I think the only danger is realizing where one is, not wanting to make any changes, but expecting different results, yk? (ref, definition of insanity, LOL)

 

This keeps coming to mind, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly..." pr 18.24a. I've also seen this translated, 'one who would have friends must show himself friendly,' but I can't find that trans just now. Good food for thought...

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#46 of 48 Old 04-11-2013, 07:44 AM
 
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This keeps coming to mind, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly..." pr 18.24a. I've also seen this translated, 'one who would have friends must show himself friendly,' but I can't find that trans just now. Good food for thought...

 

I like this. So true.

 

FLMom---- I hope you get to be friends with this mom you like.


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#47 of 48 Old 04-13-2013, 08:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I think I'm very accepting of others.  I think everyone should choose how to live and what to do with their lives.  I have taken a lot of criticism for the life I live.  From birthing at home, homeschooling, wanting such a large family (while being insanely stressed), to how I choose to raise my children.  It comes from family, it comes from strangers. I see it like this - This is my life! No one else has to live it but me.  I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and live with the choices I made.  I'm the one who has to get up daily and do this, no one else.  So I really don't care what anyone else has to say.  I'm going to do what I want and what I think is best for me and my family.  You can accept it and be a part of our lives or not. Either way I will move forward with or without you. 

 

I definitely don't agree with choices others make but it's not my place to tell them that.  That being said if their choices interfere with my family or my choices then they can't be in our lives. Like moms with out of control children that will influence mine.  I still don't see the point of a relationship with someone whom I have nothing in common with.  It's not that I don't accept them it's that I'm not getting anything from it.  I am always doing things for others (I'm the one always offering to help you pack/move or paint your house, etc) I'm just nice but it doesn't really mean a friendship will grow or that I will want to be friends.

 

It was very comforting to me that after I feel off of FB I got a lot of calls and emails from people wondering where I was.  The other mom I really like just emailed me.  I haven't seen her since before Christmas.  She was missing me as much as I was missing her.  However she has 4 kids and I have 3 and life happens.  It's hard to hold friendships together while being overwhelmed caring for kids. She is moving away in Sept. :( Right when I will be giving birth to #4. 

 

mum4vr - My midwife asked who helps me after I give birth? I shook my head and told her no one. My husband has always gone back to work w/in 3 days of me giving birth. She almost started crying but it really is not that bad.  As long as you have someone running errands for you a.k.a. grocery shopping things are not that hard.  Babies sleep all the time although you will be exhausted and the constant nursing.  My 2nd never slept and was colic that was hard. My 3rd was really easy.  I gave birth, everyone held him and then went back to life as normal.  My husband made sure there was food in the house.  I had easy things to cook/feed the kids.  Going out was the hard part.  After all I only have 2 hands and now I had 3 kids. I wore him everywhere I had to go soccer, HS functions, etc. It actually gets harder when they are a little older and sleep less and want to be held more.  I feel like I have cooked thousands of meals while holding/nursing babies. My oldest will be 9 this time around.  I have been teaching her how to do more things.  Cleaning, cooking, etc. She will have to pitch in more and my DH has 3 weeks off this time so it should be a piece of cake. (cross your fingers) I hope everything works out for you. 


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FLmomof1/1ontheway is offline  
#48 of 48 Old 04-14-2013, 08:39 PM
 
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TY, that's very encouraging. I also think it's encouraging for you that the new fledgling friendship seems to be growing, yay! :) It's also nice ppl missed you from FB, very few ppl contacted me when I closed my profile.

 

Some of the new mom advice is familiar-- this'll be #4 for me & my DC are 19, 14, 12, so I am not the only person in the house who can get things done. (Actually DD is petitioning to be actually -hired- by us as a housekeeper/ mother's helper & get paid for doing most everything herself... hmmm, we'll see, LOL) Also DH works from home & makes his own hours except for 1 day/ week. As far as help/ preparation, I'd like to prepare more, meal-wise, but when we move later this month, we'll have little frig space & no freezer (off grid-- we had to make hard electricity decisions!), so I am collecting recipes for dry mixes, etc to make easier meals. I remember the difficult transition from 2 kiddos to 3-- I could no longer have one hand on each child when crossing the street, etc!

 

I suppose I am thinking more of things that female friends are specifically better at ime (no disrespect to really great guy-friends)-- emotional and social issues; like understanding the PP emotional roller coaster/ baby blues, recognizing when I may need to get out or even signs of PPD, feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. It's not like my DH is really gonna listen to exactly how much & where & how often my nipples hurt & weigh in with his experience of mastitis vs a nipple yeast infection, LOL! (although ime, a man will actually listen to any discussion involving breasts indefinitely, hehehe) My previous midwife had a similar reaction re my lack of PP support. I haven't done this in over a decade & I'm sure it'll be harder this time. For good emotional health, it's recommended a PP mom have at least one person she calls every day-- who would that be? haha.

 

My #4 is due in sept as well :) I hope your new friendship can stand the move-- some can & some can't.

 

Also, I agree that accepting the way a person is... does not necessarily mean letting them into my life in a position of influence-- esp if the influence is a negative one for my DC.

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