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#1 of 31 Old 03-09-2013, 02:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello ladies. Its been awhile since Ive been back here to mothering..and Ive missed the community and the support. Today Im here searching for a little advice from anyone that has it to give because this issue has me stumped.

 

I wont go into too much detail about DHs & my background. But what you should know is that I am 24 & he is 23. We are raising two children together, my 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage and our 4 year old son. DH and I have been together for over 5 years. We met in middle school and fell in love- really, fell in love.

 

DH is a wonderful husband and provider. Hes very funny, smart and not to mention very handsome and sexy! When our relationship first really started ( 5 years ago ) he was a person who was very open and excited about life and about us. He was romantic and wanted to go out and do things together and just have fun and be together. Now, I understand that relationships evolve and change as they grow. I can accept that, but I honestly feel that he is no longer the person I fell in love with.

 

He is very 'boring', which is not like the DH that I know. He never wants to go out ( or stay in for that matter) and have fun very much. When we talk about certin subjects, he just shuts down, and stairs at the floor- even when I express to him lovingly how that behaviour isnt helping us resolve issues or grown, and not to mention, it hurts my feelings. He never use to do this, he was also very open and we talked about everything. In all honesty, we are a great couple. We never fight or argue and we speak kindly to one another. But he just shuts down when a topic comes up that I want to discuss. I am a great listener and I listen to everything he wants to talk about, and he listens to me too. But when it comes to topics of importance, he just...zones out. When I tell him that hurts me, he just gets up and walks away and goes to bed or something. Like it doesnt bother him. The next day after one of these episodes, I will explain to him again why that bothered me, and he says ' Yeah I know, im sorry" or gets defensive. If he does apologize, its like hes just telling me what I want to hear because he will turn right around and do the same thing the very next day.

 

Ive never given him a reason to distrust me or shut down. Im not sure what to think of this. I feel like hes 'lost' apart of himself. He never does the things that he use to love doing ( writing, playing music, ect). And we never have sex anymore. Maybe once a month if im lucky. And really, that the only time he ever pays attention to me. I talk to him about all of this, but like I said before, it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

 

I understand that he is tired from work, simply from getting up early. Everything seems to make him tired. His job is actually very easy and requires little to no physical strain. Hes in excellent health and he HAS been to the doctor about depression, but didnt want to take medication. And honestly, I dont think hes depressed because whens hes around his friends & at work, hes happy, laughing, joking and being his old self- but when he comes home, all of that gets turned off. We make time to be alone. We get 2 weekend ( 2 whole days! ) out of the month, and some times more, KID FREE to just be together.

 

When he comes home from work, the kids are already in bed, the house is clean, I serve him dinner and even run his baths and give him back/feet rubs to help melt the day. We tell each other ' I LOVE YOU ' and when the times are good, theyre great, but Ive been dealing with this new, 'empty' aspect of him for so long that at times, I feel that Im falling out of love with him.

 

And yes, I have discussed all of this will him many times, but its like talking to a wall. He stares at the floor and if i prompt him to reply, he says " I dont know what to say..". It seems very much like it doesnt matter to him. Im not sure what to do or say anymore. For awhile, we would write together in seperate note books each night and then share what we would write. We would write about different things but mostly I would come up with questions about love, life and spirituality (deep, thought provoking questions) and then the next night he would attempt to come up with a few questions and we would answer them and share out answers. It was wonderful, It seemed to be the only way I could find that 'lost' aspect of himself that he never shows that it so important to both our happiness. He admitted that writting made him feel wonderful and he enjoyed it. I encouraged him to write a little each night, and he did for 2 nights and then stopped.

 

One night, while doing our 'writting exercises', our job was to write a poem to each other about love. I wrote a beautiful, heart warming poem about how much he means to me and he spent a long while writting one as well. Then when we exchanged poems, and I was excited to see what he had written..he had written a 2 page poem about how " He wants to fuck me"...And it was quite sad..that thats the only thing he can reach inside of himself and pull out for me.

 

Anyways, I believe that you all have the idea. If you have any thoughts on what I can do to help 'reawaken' him to himself and reawaken our love/romance, please let me know.

 

Sorry for this super long post, I had alot that I wanted to say. Thanks in advance for your replies.


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#2 of 31 Old 03-09-2013, 05:07 PM
 
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marriage can be hard like that! My husband and I go in and out of being amazing together and having struggles. I also love to talk and have lots of deep spiritual ideas and my dh is not a talker! Sometimes I get mad at him about it-- we just went through a long phase of a hard time but then I just got better about it and stopped being mean-- I was mad for a few reasons- sorry typing quick here only have a second.

My dh does not usually have much to say! but the reality is that he was this way when I married him. He has so many other amazing qualities so I think we just need to find that deep converation from other ppl and love our dh's for who they are.

As for the no sex thing that is a challenge. does he have any erectile dysfunction/impotence issues that are making him not interested in sex?

 

I think stepping back a little and letting him be who he is rather than forcing change could help. Try to find some of the connections outside of the marriage (not sex- I mean friends to talk to!).

I am not giving a great answer here as I am rushing- ds is coming home in a second- but just that I hear where you are coming from as I haave had different but some silimar issues in my marriage,

I think marriae goes in waves, sometimes it is amazing and sometimes it is annoying! hang in there and let things ebb and flow. Try to find a deep connection of your own (advice to myself too) that sustains you- a connection with the divine in you perhaps, . Work on the things you love- learn, grow-

But the lack of connection in a marriage can be lonely.

I feel really conected tomy dh right ow but for the past few wks I was really mad at ahim for various things.Then I just got over it and he is happy about that.

I can write more later!

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#3 of 31 Old 03-09-2013, 05:10 PM
 
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a lot of times I tell my husband- just talk to me more! As he is not a big talker. And he is like- I just cant'! But he is very present and WITH me so I feel good about that.

Is your husband present and with you and just doesn't talk, or do you feel like he checks out? my husband does not check out, that would be really hard to handle. HE just doens;t have lots to say! I think in your situation trying to force change may be hard- try accepting it just as it is to start. Then figure out what aspects you wish you could change- on your own I mean figure it out and get clear-- and then see if you can change them. I am speaking so unclearly now again - hope some of this is making sense. I think I am saying- what exactly do you wish would change in your marriage? Can you tell us- in your ideal world, your husband would do xyz?

I always like to set in my mind my ideal goal of what I seek and then try my best to get it. ds home- gotta go!

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#4 of 31 Old 03-09-2013, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you SnapDragon! Dh has no sexual issues at all that would make it difficult for him to have sex. He just doesnt seem to have desire or care enough about it anymore. And when he does (which is rare) its ALL he cares about and he becomes very insensitive/unromantic about it. It makes me feel a bit used and hurt.

Alot of the time dh is present with me, but much of the time he simply checks out. This is very frustrating for me. He had rather sleep/ dose on the sofa or play video games than spend time with his children and myself. But when his friends come around, its a diffrent story. Hes suddenly very up beat, active and talkative. I cant help but look on a feel hurt/jelous.

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#5 of 31 Old 03-09-2013, 09:17 PM
 
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oh, that really sucks. sorry to hear that. My situation is nothing like that so I cannot relate. do you guys generally get along then? has this been a recent thing or has he been like this for a long time? when you try to talk about it, he wont talk?

so the issue is he is really shutting you out from his loving open intimate space and being kind of cold to you?  I mean IS that the issue? that sounds really hard. Did he used to be kinder and more present or has he always been this way? I am not sure how to advise with this situation, because if he is being that way I do not know how to get someone to change that kind of thing. ugh that must be so frustrating!

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#6 of 31 Old 03-10-2013, 09:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, we actually get along very well. But the 'shutting down' behaviour isnt something that always was. DH use to be very open with me, spontantious, and have a general zest for life.

 

This 'new' behaviour started not too terribly long after our son was born. Now, its just gotten to the point where I feel that I have little to no support. He will talk with me for hours about things that ( not to sound rude, but I really dont know how else to put it ) really 'dont matter' or are of low importance such as what he did at work that day, video games,and his friends ect. I always listen to these things and have loner convertations with him about all of his intrest. But the second I bring up something of great importance ( such as our children/behaviour, our relationship ect ) he just..tunes out. And yes, when I bring this up to him and try to talk very lovingly with him about this issue, he shuts down and says " I dont know what to say..." or just doesnt say anything at all. If I encourage him to speak and break the silence with a gental "Is there anything you would like to say, honey? " he often gets very deffensive and says " I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY!! or I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY!"- and thats as far as we progress.

 

And yes, thats the main problem. He was once open and loving and sharing, and now most of the time, I have no idea whats going on in his inner world. And even though he sees me suffering/hurting from this change in himself, it seems that he doesnt care. If im lucky, he might tell me what I want to hear, only to get me to not discuss the topic any longer, but there is never a change in the situation. Im not the only one whos noticed this change, either. His own brother/sister & his mother, whom he is very close to, has spoken with me about this and how they can also tell that he justs 'doesnt seem himself'.

 

Its hard to not let his build resentment in myself becuase I often feel that I have a third child. I have to struggle ot get him out of bed in the mornings to go to work, which can sometimes take over an hour or if he lays down for a nap and asks me to wake him up at a certin time, I just cant wake him up. Its far more difficult waking up DH than it is to wake up my 7 year old DD for school..and she wakes up an hour earlier than him! He gets plenty of rest and is in good health. It feels  to me that hes simply given up on 'us' and there for puts no effort into are relationship unless hes really pushed to do so. Im not sure what to think about all of it- but its been going on for a quite awhile.

 

There was one time, over a yeat ago, when we sit down and had a good talk. He had had a few drinks with his friends (which is something he rarley does anymore) and alcohol always makes him either angry or weepy- those are the choices. During this talk, he opend up alot and even cried..and it was amazing to see some deep, true emtion from him and to know that hes still 'really in there'. After this, he seemed to do better for a week or two, and then things went right back to how they are now. Its pretty bad when the most emotion I see coming from him only occurs when he wants sex or is drunk. Ugh..

 

But it hasnt always been this way. This is not the man that I fell in love with. I still try to encourage to do things that he use to do when he was happy and open such as play music with his band, write songs ect ect. But he never takes any of it to heart. He rather spend his free time playing video games, completley zoned out and disconnected from us or sleeping- and disconnected from us. He has no will or drive to change for the better. He seems oddly content with how numb he is to everything, even though he has pointed out to me before, that he IS aware of the change. Again- it makes me feel like having a 3rd child when I have to insist that he turn off the video game for 5 mintues to come have lunch with his children and myself. I dont like feeling like that..feeling like I have to play 'mother' to him just him to function in life. Its very difficult/damn near impossible to help someone that really doesnt want to help themselves.

 

And it is very very very frustrating and heart breaking.


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#7 of 31 Old 03-10-2013, 11:48 AM
 
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oh, that is sad! I amsorry he is being that way. sounds like he shut down as a reaction to owning up to the responsibilty of parenting? Liek maybe he feels if he shuts down all together like you describe, he can get out of the big huge work of being a parent. Like it is his coping mechanism for dealing with the death of the free non parent self into the birt of the parent self which is full of work and responsibility. Like he is trying to remain a child and not own his new role. sorry you have to deal with that and I hope others have some advice for you.

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#8 of 31 Old 03-15-2013, 12:13 PM
 
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I really can't offer much advice but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm dealing with similar things and thankfully it's only about 50% of the time. Those times are so hard though and I am sorry you're going through this. I was able to find a do your own therapy guide online that helped a bit with my dh but it got taken down. Since he doesn't like to talk to anyone and distrusts doctors/therapists it was the best solution and really helped when he was doing it. Problem being he would take any excuse not to and yes will sit at the computer for hours. We're on a fairly decent time right now. Not too long ago it was bad and we're getting ready to move and I told him I wasn't sure if he wanted us with him and if me and the kids should move with him and that seemed to shock him because to him, nothing was wrong. Have you told him seriously that you feel like you're falling out of love with him? I don't know, just telling him how serious you are when you talk about issues might help. Sorry for not being able to help. I hope things get better for you. :hugs:


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#9 of 31 Old 03-18-2013, 04:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello Rebecca. Thanks for your reply and sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

 

I havent actually told him, 'full on' that I feel that Im falling out of love with him. To be honest, Im scared to. Not because I think hes going to beat me or kill himself or anything like that, but because hes really such a sweet, gental soul. I have made personal journal entries many many times on this topic. I KNOW that this is how I feel, for sure- without a doubt. And even though Ive written on this topic a thousand times and have everything worked down to a science it seems, I still cant bring myself to tell him- yet I know thats what my heart is guiding me to do. I guess I keep waiting for the 'right' time. Almost as if im waiting for things to somehow get worse before I bring it up. I know thats a terrible idea because something of this nature should be talked about when both of us are cool, calm and collected- not stressed out. I dont know...that just how it seems. I am aware that there will never be a 'perfect' time for a talk like this.

 

Last night, him and I made love for the first time in 2 months. It was ok, but for some reason it made me feel even more disconnected from him. His love making is so robotic and well..boring. Theres no passion. No kissing. No eye contact. Just sex. The whole time, as terrible as this might sound, I was thinking about how far away from him I feel. It was actually a very dramatic feeling of disconnect and its all Ive been able to think about sense.

 

I just dont know what to do. I feel tired of trying to help someone who couldnt care less to help/better themself. I have mentioned to him how I feel about his lack of passion and romance, several times. Again, he'll hang his head and say 'im sorry' then stare at the floor and just tune out. And its over. Again hes only saying what he knows I want to hear. He says hes sorry- but nothing changed. I understand its not his place to keep me 'happy' in the bedroom, or entertained or throw romance at me  and for him to do all of the work. Its 50/50. And believe me, for the past few years Ive been giving 80% or more. And I can say that with all confidence. So now its more like 80/20. Ugh.

 

Thanks so much for your reply. And yes, I know I have to tell him about how I feel on falling out of love with him..but I guess I just dont know how, or when. Thats something that I really need to figure out, sooner than later.


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#10 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 01:22 AM
 
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It seems pretty obvious from your posts that he's happy with the way he is, you made several references to "helping him better himself". Maybe he doesn't want to be any different, maybe he feels like you should either love him for who he is or don't. You kind of sound really condescending. I would be livid if my partner asked me "if I had anything to say, honey". You sound like you're talking to a child. You also seem to talk about "I" a lot, have you asked him WHY he doesn't want to talk about the things you've mentioned?


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#11 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 04:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Learning Mum-

 

"Maybe he doesn't want to be any different, maybe he feels like you should either love him for who he is or don't."

 

Yeah.as nice as it would be, its not that simple.. IMO, when you really LOVE someone- you want to see them grow, and to progress. Not be stuck in a state of being totally stagnant, like my DH is and has been in for years. He isnt happy. Thats the whole point of my post, really. Is that he is unhappy- hes said it before. But he shuts down. Yes, I suggest many loving ways to help him better himself/ his life- because Im his wife and I love him deeply and I know that there needs to be change. Hes admited this himself. Again, I am NOT the only person who has noticed the change in him over the past few years. His own family members often ask him ( or me ) "whats wrong?" or "What happened". 

 

I DO love him for who his is. But THIS IS NOT HIM. This is not the person I feel in love with. He knows how I feel about this. Even he admits that he has 'lost himself'. He also knows that I love him very much and always will no matter what. It is my job to support and to better him, and thats exactly what Im trying to do.

 

 

Oh and if he did feel this way for some reason, why cant he tell me? Hes a grown man with the ability to convey his emotions just fine. Ive seen him do it many times.

 

"You kind of sound really condescending. I would be livid if my partner asked me "if I had anything to say, honey". You sound like you're talking to a child."

 

Im sorry you see it that way. And you may be livid if someone spoke to you that way because that is your personality. Its not his. Yes, sometimes I promt him for a response because if I didnt, I wouldnt get ANY response. If we're having an important discussion and I just poured my heart out to him- YES I expect him to have something to say, even if its ' Im not sure what to say.." which is something I often get. But its better than nothing. 

 

For him to sit there in total silence after a deep/important discussion in which he could tell was very emotional for me and just stare at the floor is hurtful. And its just plain rude. If anyone else did this, ( like friends, sister, mother ) it would still be rude. Its ignoring a conversation and ingoring the person and their emotions. To me, not only is that rude, but its conveys a sense of disrespect.

 

Yes. Youre right. I do sound like im talking to a child. Its gotten that far. After a conversation when he starts zoning out, staring at the ground, YES I prompt him for atleast some acknowledgment- anything. To me, its more childish for him to zone out and ignore whats being said than it is for me to ask him if he has anything he would like to say. Im sure you would do the same thing after pouring your heart out to someone and after sitting in silence for several hours or 1-2 days. I dont feel bad about it all. I deserve a response.

 

"you also seem to talk about "I" a lot"

 

Of course I do. The post is about whats going on with my husband and how it makes me feel. So of course theres going to be alot of 'I"s when it comes from my personal perspective. Saying 'I' alot isnt always a bad thing. It doesnt mean in selfish or that I dont focus on him. Humans relate to other humans with 'I' ( I feel, I see, I think, ect.) If he doesnt talk, the most that I can do is relate to him from my point of veiw in some way. Yes, I know how I feel and I dont think thats a problem.

 

"have you asked him WHY he doesn't want to talk about the things you've mentioned?"

 

I wouldnt go through all of this and fail to ask him why. Of course I have. Many, many times. His answer is always the same " I dont know" and he might throw in an " I dont know what to say" after that, if Im lucky.

 

Can you possibly see why its like talking to a child? I get more responses from my 4 year old than I do from my husband. When he talks, I always listen and respond and engage in his conversations fully. I always ask other conversations starters as well like " How as your day, babe?" and then ask him questions from there. He will talk about all of that, endlessly. He will talk about video games and computers, endlessly. He will talk about what he did with hie friends at work endlessly. And the majority of the time when I talk about ANYTHING else, thats 'not so deep', he will engage fully. Yet he cant give me a simple response about things that I really need to know.

 

Let me just say one more time: When he talks, I always listen and engage in conversation with him, fully. It doesnt matter if its about video games or what he did at work that day, I always listen and respond. Im not getting distracted ( despite children calling my name 1000 times ) or staring at the floor. Im very present and take intrest in what we wants to discuss. 

 

So, if I can do that for him- why cant he do it for me?


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#12 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 11:25 AM
 
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I understand how tough the whole situation is, but what has made me speak out on issues is  that maybe with everything out on the table you can work on the relationship and fall back in love with each other. Intentions matter, and you are not trying to hurt him. You're trying to better both of your lives. Would counseling (couple or individual or both) be a possibility for you two? 


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#13 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 12:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I plan on asking him is thoughts about therapy. I think it would be a good idea for us. I really dont think hell be very receptive, but we shall see. It the only other idea that I have.

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#14 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 01:32 PM
 
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what do you hope is the next step ? How do you see the situation changing?

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#15 of 31 Old 03-19-2013, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like for the next step for us to maybe get into therapy, if hes open to that option. Im not sure how the situation will change if things remain as they are now. But if hes open to going to therapy, I would like to see him happy and open again. I would like to see him rediscover his passion and his zest for life. I would love to see us reconnected again and falling back in love.

 

Above everything else, I want to see him happy again. Because no matter what happens, Im sure if that can change and he rediscovers his passion for life, I know that he will rediscover the passion in us as a couple.

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#16 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 07:27 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by HuntressMother View Post
 

IMO, when you really LOVE someone- you want to see them grow, and to progress. Not be stuck in a state of being totally stagnant, like my DH is and has been in for years.

 

It isn't helpful to attempt to force our partners to grow. That's really up to them. If he had an agenda for what you *should* be like and how you *should* grow and was constantly attempting to get you to conform,  you would most likely find it very draining, because it is draining to live with that. And that is what you are doing to him.

 

I see several issues in your posts that you have merged into the word "boring."  First, your DH is showing signs of depression. Second, your DH doesn't engage in certain types of conversations that are important to you. Third, you want him to grow in certain ways that you value. Those are all different issues.

 

 

He isnt happy. Thats the whole point of my post, really. Is that he is unhappy- hes said it before. But he shuts down. Yes, I suggest many loving ways to help him better himself/ his life- because Im his wife and I love him deeply and I know that there needs to be change. Hes admited this himself. Again, I am NOT the only person who has noticed the change in him over the past few years. His own family members often ask him ( or me ) "whats wrong?" or "What happened". 

 

One of the hardest things I had to learn was that I am not responsible for my husband's happiness, and that he is not responsible for mine. Learning this saved my marriage.

 

 Yes, sometimes I promt him for a response because if I didnt, I wouldnt get ANY response. If we're having an important discussion and I just poured my heart out to him- YES I expect him to have something to say, even if its ' Im not sure what to say.." which is something I often get. But its better than nothing. 

 

I see the "lack of response during important discussion" issue as different than the signs of depression. What are these discussions about? A lot of men really don't want to be having deep conversations all the time, and many husbands aren't capable of doubling as our therapists.  My husband thinks that I over think everything. I'm wondering if you need further emotional support from outside your marriage -- such as a girlfriend, mother, therapist, and if right now you are putting extra stress on your marriage by expecting your DH to play a role that he really isn't capable of.

 

For him to sit there in total silence after a deep/important discussion in which he could tell was very emotional for me and just stare at the floor is hurtful. And its just plain rude. If anyone else did this, ( like friends, sister, mother ) it would still be rude. Its ignoring a conversation and ingoring the person and their emotions. To me, not only is that rude, but its conveys a sense of disrespect.

 

I understand (and agree) yet I have found that having too many too deep and emotional demanding conversations can wear a relationship down. I think it is possible that he has come to the end of what he can process, and that you aren't respecting his limits.

 

And the majority of the time when I talk about ANYTHING else, thats 'not so deep', he will engage fully. Yet he cant give me a simple response about things that I really need to know.

 

I can't help but wonder what these "deep"conversations are about, and if your need for them is part of the problem in the relationship. Helping someone process stuff which they are stewing in can be very, very draining and depressing. I think its possible that part of the problem in your relationship -- the reason your DH seems depressed and doesn't want to do things with you -- is because you are wanting him to play the role of therapist and he tried for awhile, but just can't do it any more. I'm wondering if finding a therapist to have the "deep" conversations with would be helpful to your marriage.
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#17 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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"It isn't helpful to attempt to force our partners to grow. That's really up to them. If he had an agenda for what you *should* be like and how you *should* grow and was constantly attempting to get you to conform,  you would most likely find it very draining, because it is draining to live with that. And that is what you are doing to him.

 

I see several issues in your posts that you have merged into the word "boring."  First, your DH is showing signs of depression. Second, your DH doesn't engage in certain types of conversations that are important to you. Third, you want him to grow in certain ways that you value. Those are all different issues"

 

Ok, I keep feeling as thought my point is being missed over and over again and people assume the same thing. I am NOT attempting to FORCE him to grow or have him somehow fit into a standard that I have set in my mind of 'how' people should be growing. I offer him ways to help himself feel better. If he doesnt accept them, I never offer them again. On many occasions, He has really thanked me for these useful tools as they did help him to feel much better, as he told me himself. But anything that I offer to him, he only keeps with for a short time ( say 2-3 days ) so he doesnt get any 'long term' help from it. He seems to not want to help himself.

 

I have talked to DH about his signs of depression, but he ( and sometimes I ) doesnt feel that hes depressed. He is very upbeat and happy when he is with his friends and even at work, but just not at home. When he gets here, he shuts down and doesnt want to have much involvment at all with me or our children. But I have seen him very happy quite a few times. For example, if the GM keeps the kiddos while we take a trip to see a concert or something of that nature, hes very happy and talkative and much more like 'his old self'. It seems to be *only* when hes here at home with us does he feel this way. I even talked to his best friend ( who he also works with ) and asked him does he think DH could possibly be depressed- he acted suprised and said no. Though he did admit that DH acts alot different when hes here at home around us.

 

 

 

"I see the "lack of response during important discussion" issue as different than the signs of depression. What are these discussions about? A lot of men really don't want to be having deep conversations all the time, and many husbands aren't capable of doubling as our therapists.  My husband thinks that I over think everything. I'm wondering if you need further emotional support from outside your marriage -- such as a girlfriend, mother, therapist, and if right now you are putting extra stress on your marriage by expecting your DH to play a role that he really isn't capable of."

 

I understand that men arent into deep conversations all of the time, but no one is really. My point there is that he use to talk very openly about everything and him and I where very connected.  

 

I am not bothering him with talks about 'oh, this happened today and it made me sad' or other issues that are of less importance. The only thing that he shuts down about is when I try to talk with him about OUR REALTIONSHIP or something of that nature. I would like to know why he feels its ok to go out and drink with his friends, and then, for no reason, snatch me by my arm up from the table while Im sewing and minding my own buisness. Or why when hes had a few drinks with his friends, he will come home, wake me up from a dead sleep to let me know that ' i make him miserable'. And the next day, when hes sober, most of the time he will readily apologize for his actions- but still admit, in some cases, that he feels that way. I also want to know why he shuts down with me when he use to be so open. I just want some answers. I always approach these topics in a calm way. I am not DEMANDING that he speak and give me answers. I easily bring up the topic and discuss how I feel and see if he would like to do the same.

 

I have plenty of outside support from several girl friends, my mother and my father- all who I talk to daily. He is not the only person that I have contact with and Im not just dumping my problems all over him. What I attempt to talk with him about doesnt involve just MY ISSUES, this involves OUR MARRIAGE.

 

"I understand (and agree) yet I have found that having too many too deep and emotional demanding conversations can wear a relationship down. I think it is possible that he has come to the end of what he can process, and that you aren't respecting his limits"

 

But thats just it- we NEVER have deep conversations anymore. This isnt something I attempt to do everynight. I will only bring this up when he seems more sad than ususal or something. I will ask " Is everything ok babe" or " is there anything you want to talk about" and let him know that Im there for him if he decides that he wants to talk.

 

I always respect his limits. Always have and always will.I never nag or try to force him to talk. And not to be rude, but its more like IVE come to the end of what I can process with this issue. Yes, I respect him limits. I do it every single day. But what about him respecting MY FEELINGS and what I need out of our marriage to make me happy? He doesnt much consider that. Even when He knows that I feel deeply hurt when he tunes out or chooses not to engage in a conversation about something, he still puts up no effort. And this isnt like hes trying but doesnt know how. He will get up and walk away mid-conversation and go to bed or turn on the video game or laugh and joke with his friends like normal. I see NO effort.

 

"I can't help but wonder what these "deep"conversations are about, and if your need for them is part of the problem in the relationship. Helping someone process stuff which they are stewing in can be very, very draining and depressing. I think its possible that part of the problem in your relationship -- the reason your DH seems depressed and doesn't want to do things with you -- is because you are wanting him to play the role of therapist and he tried for awhile, but just can't do it any more. I'm wondering if finding a therapist to have the "deep" conversations with would be helpful to your marriage."

 

The deep conversations are about our relationship and/or how Ive noticed that he seems sad/bored and what I can do to help. Thats pretty much it. They are not a main cause for the problem in the relationship. There was no need for these conversations a few years ago before he 'changed' because he was open and honest with me and would bring up issues like this himself and they would be openly discussed so that they could be resovled by us, together and we could move on. His lack of effort and engaging with me is a cause of problems in our relationship.

 

He has NEVER played therapist to/for me. Ever. We dont sit down and talk about the fact that I was molested by my grandfather when I was 4 years old or the trauma that I suffered thanks to an abusive stepfather, or how hurt I was when I found out DH was cheating on me a few months after DS was born, ect ect. I have a real therapist to talk to about things like that. Again, its only when I try to talk to him about the realtionship/similar. He has never tried to play that role to/for me.

 

He has come to me though, on several occasions and asked ' Why am I this way?' and me, being the psychology buff that I am, use it as a time to examine his past, his relationship with his parents, and any trauma that he might have expeirenced. He loves this and finds it very intresting and insightful. One of these conversations has moved him to full blow crying before, because I hit the nail on the head so to speak. He was moved and felt understood and we talk about my theories and his theories and he seemed to be much more uplifted afterwards. It was a good, but draining, expeirence. So, if anything, I play therapist to him. He wants me to talk with him about his issues and give him answers, but he doesnt want to do the same for me.

 

PS: Thanks for your reply and sorry about the errors ( hopefully its all readable) I am in a bit of a hurry right now, but will be back in a bit. :)

 

PSS TO ALL: I will be taking down this post later tonight/ tomorrow, as Im not getting the reponses that I thought I would get and I feel that my OP is being a bit misread. I was looking for BTDT stories and recieved 1-2 and I thank those ladies who posted. Also, a big thanks to all of the ladies who have posted with questions/suggestions. I appreciate your time and your concern.

 

 

 

 

 


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#18 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 11:42 AM
 
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I'm sorry. hearing that from your husband while drink/tipsy whatever must hurt so badly. I wish people weren't attacking your post and I really hope things work out for you. good luck :hugs:

and not okay ever if he is physically hurting you- ever. I've been there with my ex and it wasn't a healthy place to be. You deserve to be treated with respect as his wife and partner.


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#19 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 01:28 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by HuntressMother View Post
I would like to know why he feels its ok to go out and drink with his friends, and then, for no reason, snatch me by my arm up from the table while Im sewing and minding my own buisness. Or why when hes had a few drinks with his friends, he will come home, wake me up from a dead sleep to let me know that ' i make him miserable'. And the next day, when hes sober, most of the time he will readily apologize for his actions- but still admit, in some cases, that he feels that way.

 

....

 

PSS TO ALL: I will be taking down this post later tonight/ tomorrow, as Im not getting the reponses that I thought I would get and I feel that my OP is being a bit misread.

 

I didn't get out of your first post what you explained in your last post. The problem isn't that your husband is boring, or that he won't have "deep" conversations with you. The problem is that he is very mean to you, especially when he has been drinking. Isn't that the crux of it? That's what he won't talk to you about, most likely because he doesn't know why. It's also most likely related to his lack of desire for sex and other kinds of intimacy.

 

In your first post, you start by describing him as a "wonderful husband," which kept me from understanding what you are going through. Because the behavior described in your last post is NOT the behavior of a "wonderful husband."  Wonderful husbands are nice to their wives, even when they drink.

 

I'm sorry that your husband isn't being nice to you.

 

My thought is to draw a line in the sand and let him know when he is out of line. He has to be nice. IMHO the focus shouldn't be on a conversation about the behavior, but about the behavior itself. For example, what would happen if, when he "snatched you up by the arm," you firmly told him to let you got and NOT manhandle you. Because if you can't do that because the situation would escalate and you wouldn't be safe, then you are in an abusive relationship and need to start planning your exit.

 

My BTDT is that my dh and I went through a phase where he really didn't care if I was happy or not. I reached the end of my rope, and starting planning an exit and I was honest with him about it. It scared the crap out of him, enough that he became very motivated to help make our marriage a truly happy place for me. He quit taking for me granted. We've made a lot of changes since then and really have a great relationship now. For us, it was possible to fix what was broken.

 

I still don't understand the situation between you and your DH enough to say if his behavior is such that you need to get out for your own safety, but waking you up in the middle of the night to put you down is a big old red flag.

 

I think its possible that he is an alcoholic.

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#20 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello again.

 

Yes, he does drink but he only does this once every few months. It doesnt do it very often. But when he does, I tell him ( after what happened last time ) that he has to find somewhere else to stay because I dont want him here and he scares me when hes been drinking. I do stand up for myself, big time, when he does this. The night that he grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the table and flung all of my sewing stuff into the floor, I pushed him down and was damn near getting ready to have to fight him. I managed to lock him outside and told him that I would call the police if he didnt leave. I called his best friend and explained the situation, he came over and picked DH up and took him back to his place to sleep it off.

 

This is a very rare occurance. When he woke me up to tell me that 'I make him miserable' he had come home around 3-4am and I was asleep in the bed with my DS, who was only 2 at that time. He was being very loud, so I asked him to please be quite because DS had been sick and needed his rest. He come closer to the bed and leaned forward, I thought that he was going to kiss my forehead, but instead he wispered " Youre a bitch and you make me miserable". I didnt know what to say. He left the room and went back into the living room. I got up from bed and closed the door behind me and went into the living room with him. He was sitting on the couch. I asked him why would he say that and his answer was " I just do. I feel that way." He said it in a very sad voice and layed down and went to sleep. It was very confusing. 

 

It has been a long time since he has had a drink or drunk enough to actually be drunk. But he is aware that he treats me like crap when he is drunk and that hes not allowed to be drunk here unless he plans on going to jail that night,

 

Also, DH has always struggled with addiction to one thing or another. I actually made a post about this last year I think. He started off with 'legal highs' and started buying pain pills and taking those. The last time that i was aware that he took any pills was about 7 months ago. But its hard to trust him when it comes to this because he can be very sneeky, so I cant be 100% sure. He knows I have a problem with this and if he is doing it now, hes hidding it from me very well. I have talked to him about getting some help with this, but he refuses. I even had his older brother and his mother talk with him about this ( he looks up to both of them ) and that didnt convince him either. It came to the point where I had to say " If you do this again, Im taking the kids and we're leaving. If you refuse to get help, you better figure it out on your own because Im tired of dealing with this nonsense." After that chat, I havent seen he take anything but have overheard him talking to a friend on the phone awhile back about buying some pills, but I dont think anything ever came of it because the person he was talking to wouldnt help him out.

 

DH and I have a long history. Not too long after DS was born, I got up in the middle of the night to BF him in the rocking chair and noticed that the computer was on. I walked over to it and DH had left his myspace page pulled up. I wasnt trying to be nosy, but I was curious because he had been acting very strange for a week or two. He had several, several messaged from a past girl friend and DH was the one to reach out to her and message her first. He had told her things like " I hate being around her", refering to me. He also said the only reason he is staying with me is because of out son. He had sent her the link to some sweet songs from youtube and told her that he thinks of her all of the time. Thne last message he had recieved from her was one where she was asking if he loved me, to which he didnt reply. Of course, I was very mad. I deleted the entire myspace page, called my SIL who lived next door to take the kids to her house for a few hours and I set up, waiting on him to get up to go to work. When he did, i confronted him and let him know that I knew what was going on. He set down on the foot of the bed and started crying..but I didnt feel sorry for him- at all, which might be cruel to say, but it was true. I asked him one question, and one question only: Do you love her? He said yes. I told him that the children and I would be gone this afternoon. He begged me to stay just until he was home from work so that we could have more time to talk about everything. I agreed. SIL watched the kids all of that afternoon to give us time to do this- our talk didnt resolve anything. It only confirmed that I couldnt trust him.

 

Shortly after this, I began therapy for all of this. He refused to join me. About 2-4 weeks from this time, I still was having a very hard time moving on from what happend. Even though he didnt meet up with her or sleep with her, the pain was the same. So, one day I asked him did he still love me as much as he use to and let him know that even though he really hurt me, I loved him very much and want to move past  this. It took him a long time to answer, but when he did, he admited that he loved me alot less since DS was born, because he loved him more than me. He tried to use this to justify why he 'loves me less'. So, that was another heartbreak for me as well. There was also alot of trauma about our DS birth that is too long to get into here, but it was very painful and caused me to resent DH very very much. It has taken me over a year of therapy to finally be able to say that I forgive him and though the pain is alot less, it is still present.

 

So, as you can see- we have alot to work on. He has truly apologised for all of those things, but refuses to join me therapy for deeper healing. He says that he feels to guilty about what hes done to speak with a stranger about it. 

 

And yes, he is a great husband, Hes awesome with the kids ( when he puts up effort to actually be with them ) and the majority of the time, him and I get along perfectly. We can talk for hours about many things, but not healing things. He shuts down when it comes to those topics. Hes a great provider and he loves me ( even though, in my heart I know, not as much as I love him ) and I just want things to be better. I have healed, I have grown. He hasnt at all. He self medicates to numb himself to the world, he plays video games the majority of the time when hes awake to put up a wall, and the rest of the time, he sleeps unless theres something hes excited about ( a new video game/ or pain pills/ friends ). I am not one of those reasons to stay awake until 3-4am, unlike his video games or pain pill pick ups. And it does make me feel like im not 'good enough'. Again, im working with my therapist to heal myself but it feels very 'incomplete' without him on the journey with me. Because if we are to spend the rest of our lives together, I want  for him to be healed and joyful- Not sleeping all of the time and staying zoned out and pretty much allowing our romance/love/ relationship to desolve.

 

I hope this cleared some stuff up and thanks again for your reply. Sorry if theres alot of information that I leave out that makes my issue confusing, thees so much to so, so many bits and details that are important, it can be hard to fit them all in at once so that readers can see my point.


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#21 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 03:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much Rebecca. I really appreciate your support. Big big hugs to you.

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#22 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 03:30 PM
 
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I've read the entire thread and your last post REALLY cleared things up for me. Before this, I was stumped, and had nothing constructive to say. Now I see his behaviour in a new light. Forgive me if my take on it seems simplistic or if I offend or hurt you, that is not my intention at all.
I haven't been here with DH but was in a comparable situation with an ex although it was a much less longterm relationship. This to me screams that he's checked out and given up but doesn't want to do the work/be the bad guy and end the relationship. When you said you love him more than he loves you, that really struck a chord: I think you're very right about that. I think the only way forward that holds any hope of happiness and fulfillment for you is to lay it all on table like pp said and tell him that you're losing hope too. The binge drinking, possible drug use and involvement with the ex all would be deal breakers for me. I can tell how much you love him by your post but you need stability and fulfillment to be the mother you need to be. Telling you those hurtful things, then apologizing but NOT doing anything to heal the relationship isn't good enough. When you were ready to leave him and he didn't consent to getting help that told me volumes. He feels guilty for hurting you but can't put his pride aside to make your marriage work. I'm sorry but that's not good enough!!! If he screwed up at work, he'd have to not only accept responsibility but also work on not making the same mistake again and if possible repair the damage he's caused. You are worth so much more than this! He may be a good father and a good friend but he's a lousy husband. It sounds like you would be a whole lot better off being amicable exes and coparenting in a friendly and mature way. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but I feel you're losing yourself in trying to make him want to be a better husband when all he wants is an easy out. hug.gif Please update on how you're doing.
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#23 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 03:35 PM
 
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I am sorry you are having to deal with this. From where I sit, and with VERY limited knowledge of the situation  (only what you have posted on this thread) it sounds like he is kind of abusive- at least emotionally abusive. It sounds like you had a traumatic childhood and are really focused on healing and making a peaceful life for yourself and your dh is not even interested in pursuing healing or working on being a good partner. If he tells you he doesn't love you as much and says mean things to you that is not good!

 

But then again breaking up a family when there is kids involved is a huge decision and of course has its own consequences. I wish you well and hope you find the healing and peace you deserve.

 

Are you on the fence about breaking up with him or are you sure you want to stay together and try to make it work?

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#24 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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skycheattraffic- Thank you so much for your reply!

 

"This to me screams that he's checked out and given up but doesn't want to do the work/be the bad guy and end the relationship. When you said you love him more than he loves you, that really struck a chord: I think you're very right about that. I think the only way forward that holds any hope of happiness and fulfillment for you is to lay it all on table like pp said and tell him that you're losing hope too. "

 

I totally agree with you and have felt like this for some time now. It has long been well know to me that he can be a bit 'childish' and doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions. It would be much easier for him to wait for me to break it off and me the 'bad guy' than for him to do it himself. Hes always had an issue with taking responsibility. For example, when I caught him talking with his ex, it turned out to be 'my fault' and that I 'pushed him' to do it because I 'dont listen to him' , which is a huge lie. I always been a good listener. He just didnt want to accept what he had done wrong.

 

I know for sure that i really have to lay EVERYTHING out before him and really let him know where I stand and how I feel. It truly doesnt matter if he responds to what I say or not, because he will have heard what I have to say and know that I mean business. Though I would like to hear him say, himself, that he thinks its over and that hes no longer happier with me, it isnt essential for me to take action. I know what I need to be happy, and if he admits that he doesnt love me as much as he once did, then of course hes not going to put much effort towards those things that I need.

 

"Telling you those hurtful things, then apologizing but NOT doing anything to heal the relationship isn't good enough. When you were ready to leave him and he didn't consent to getting help that told me volumes. He feels guilty for hurting you but can't put his pride aside to make your marriage work. I'm sorry but that's not good enough!!! If he screwed up at work, he'd have to not only accept responsibility but also work on not making the same mistake again and if possible repair the damage he's caused"

 

Exactly. This is always been how I have felt. The majority of his apologies are all empty and serve no other purpose than to 'get me off of his back' so he can move on and do what he wants to do and ignore the issue at hand. And again, I agree with you- thats simply NOT good enough. If he truly loved me, I would understand that with it having to me told to him.

 

"He may be a good father and a good friend but he's a lousy husband. It sounds like you would be a whole lot better off being amicable exes and coparenting in a friendly and mature way. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but I feel you're losing yourself in trying to make him want to be a better husband when all he wants is an easy out. hug.gif Please update on how you're doing."

 

Yes, i know that to be true. I guess that I just love him so much I have even begun making up excuses for his behaviour and I know thats not ok. And im very much starting to think the very same thing myself. I have suggested before, that maybe it would be a good idea for him and I to live seperatly for awhile and take a break for a bit..but, as bad as it is to say, I feel like I dont trust him enough to leave him alone for a few weeks. 

 

I so scared from his past cheating, that all I can think is if I leave for awhile and he knows that im not around- he might get the same idea again. Im not sure about that, because he is very guilty about that and always said it the dumbest thing that he has ever done, but its always a worry that in the back of my mind.

 

I didnt think your post was harsh at all. It was open and honest and kind- and thats all I was asking for. Thank you so very much for your reply, it truly did help. I plan on talking with him either this weekend sometime when he gets home from work ( and the kids are with grandma ) or next weekend when he will not be working and I will have all of the time I need to speak with him, without him complaining that 'hes too tired from work' for all of that. I will keep you all updated for sure. 


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#25 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 04:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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SnapDragon- Thank you for your reply!!

 

 

 

"Are you on the fence about breaking up with him or are you sure you want to stay together and try to make it work?"

 

That all totally depends on him. When I lay everything on the table for him, if he still refuses to engage in conversation with me and try to heal with me, then that will tell me all that I need to know: He doesnt love me enough to try to save our relationship which means he doesnt really want to be with me. If thats the case, then the children and I will be moving on Ill just have to accept that.

 

If he sees that Im going to leave and Im stern in my choice and that somehow manages to jolt him back to reality and he wants to move forward and heal with me and hes prepared to make some HUGE changes ( including getting himself into therapy) then I will stay, but ONLY if he actually follows through with what he says, and hes not just telling me what he thinks I want to here, as he has always done in the past,

 

Thank you for your time and advice!

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#26 of 31 Old 03-22-2013, 07:01 PM
 
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I'm on my phone so quoting is a real hassle; I hope you don't mind if I paraphrase smile.gif

1) The connecting with the ex thing: turning the truth around and blaming you for his actions is a clear sign of manipulation. Whether or not you did anything to upset him is irrelevant: HE made the choice to be in touch with her, HE is responsible for that transgression. Saying it's your fault is simply a way to deflect so he isn't perceived as the bad guy. What if he starts raising a hand to you? I'd bet he'd say it's your fault he "had" to hit you. This is SO much a red flag. I know you love him a lot but I'd run, not walk out. This scares me.

2) the empty apologies: saying he's sorry so you'll get off his back. Really, he's acting like a child. So he blames you for his choices, then if that doesn't wash, pays you lip service. I'm sorry to say he has no regard or respect for you at all. He'd make a great politician, always trying to talk his way out of a jam. I couldn't relax around someone that treated me that. How do you offset that kind of blatant disrespect?

3) you making excuses to justify his behaviour. Take a spin through "parents as partners" and see how many women spend years trying to make the present look better than it is before separation opens their eyes. There is simply no excuse for his behaviour. If he's unhappy, he needs to do something about it. No one (not even you - and you've tried!) can change his life for him. I hate to say this but by not callIng him out on it and drawing a line in the sand, you're enabling this to continue. He's had ample chances to work with you. If that doesn't suit him then he can work on himself in his own time but you don't need to suffer in the meantime.

4) the possibility of infidelity if you do a trial separation. Really this would hurt but it wouldn't change the underlying dynamics much. When you are disregarded and dismissed so much every day, how much trust is there to lose?

I agree that the only way forward is to say "THIS is what it will take for me to stay/try again" and put the ball in his court. If that doesn't spark change then he really did want out but wanted you to do the work.

hug.gif Again, I don't want to be hurtful but you deserve respect and love and you can't allow your love for him to blind you from the truth. Your kids need good role models and positive influences and any child would much rather see his/her parents happy apart than mistreated and miserable together. I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope that he will wake up and do right by his wife and family. You're in my thoughts!
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#27 of 31 Old 03-23-2013, 11:29 AM
 
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that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and while I can see how it is benefiting him I think it is just hurting you. My ex husband the lying/sneaky sort who was a real charmer when he wanted to be and sounds very similar. You should be able to trust your spouse and not fear them, emotionally or physically. Do you have a backup plan? I would think about an exit plan and gather some evidence of his addiction stuff if he would be a danger to your child without you there. you say he loves him so maybe he'd be safe but I'd be weary from hearing his past actions. I would insist on individual and joint counseling if you want to stay together. I know taking big steps like that are hard especially with a child involved but it really sounds like you deserve better. No matter what you choose to do I wish you the best. this is just my opinion going from what you've shared and past experiences. With my husband we have issues with depression ect but I know he will never lie to me, cheat, or hurt me and the kids and I feel those things are very important. :big hugs: pm me if you ever need someone to talk to

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#28 of 31 Old 03-25-2013, 12:42 AM
 
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I have to agree that it sounds really unhealthy.

 

From reading your latest posts it sounds like he is abusive and pretty unhappy in the relationship.

 

Personally I would give him the ultimatum of couples counselling or you separate and I would make sure you stick to it. I honestly feel like he doesn't believe you'll leave him so he's happy just to go along treating you like shit. You may love him but you are worth more than this. You deserve a partner that is an equal who loves you as much as you love him. You deserve so much more and there are so many men out there that would thank god every day that they had you in their life.

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#29 of 31 Old 04-03-2013, 07:38 PM
 
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1. He won't be physically intimate with you
2. He is happy when he is away from you and your child.
3. He won't talk about your relationship
4. He won't interact with his kid unless you make him
5. When he drinks, he tells you you make him miserable.
6. He tells old girlfriends he's only with you because of your child.

I don't want to be harsh, but maybe someone needs to be blunt here. It seems to me that while Your dh is too cowardly to tell you in words (unless he's has enough "liquid courage"), his actions are clearly saying that he doesn't want to be with you.

Have you asked him this? Point blank?

Life is too short to spend it trying to make a relationship where one party stays out of guilt or cowardice work. It's never going to make either person happy. I'm sorry, I know you love him. Are you sure he still loves you (romantically)?
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#30 of 31 Old 05-09-2013, 05:18 PM
 
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Deleting, because once I read the replies, felt the advice wasn't relevant.....good luck......hope you can get some clarity!!! hugs.

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