DD threw up in MIL's car. Would you feel angry if it was automatically expected that your DH clean it up? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my MIL had my daughters over her house today.  On their way back, my eldest threw up in my MIL's car greensad.gif.  When they got here she made my husband clean it out (while MIL's husband basically stood there watching).  There's sort of more detail and back story about my MIL's personality and that of her husband, but I guess what I want to know is, just on the face of it, if I was wrong to let this bother me.  Incidentally I have been dealing with revolving sick kids (and sick self) for several weeks now including DD vomiting in my car as well.  (I did not ask or expect DH's help in cleaning it FWIW.)

 

MIL and her husband do have plenty of money and could easily afford to go have it shampooed at a car wash, but that isn't so much what bothered me--I don't have any problem with frugality or people not spending money when they don't have to.  It is more the way it is expected that my DH clean it up.  (And they are likely also going to take it to a car wash as well anyway.)

 

I guess in my family it would not go down this way.  My DH or I would definitely offer to do it of course, but it would never be just expected that it would happen.  And there wouldn't be this underlying feeling of it is all our fault.  

 

I guess one of the reasons I ask is that I kind of made it obvious that I was mad about it and of course (like so many other times when I try to do what I think is standing up for myself or my family) as soon as they left I immediately feel extreme guilt about acting that way.  And then wondering if I was right to be mad about it at all.  


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#2 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 03:46 PM
 
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In my family it's automatically assumed that I'm responsible for any atrocities my dogs/children produce smile.gif

 

If we visit with the dogs, I scoop their poop (it's more of a joke, because my dogs are huge and my dad says he has a bad back and couldn't carry it) 

 

I get the "your kid - your mess!" line a lot...

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#3 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 05:08 PM
 
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If we were where the car was coming to, we would be expected to clean it up by both families.  My kids once threw up all over my in-laws cabin in the middle of no where.  I went slightly in to the middle of less than nowhere to a laudramat to wash all the linens as they don't have a washer and dryer.  No one even came with me.  I spent 3 hours by myself with a bunch of naked people - it was that kind of the middle of nowhere.  They would take a shower at the laundramat and rent a towel.  Then wash ALL their clothes.

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#4 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 34me View Post

If we were where the car was coming to, we would be expected to clean it up by both families.  My kids once threw up all over my in-laws cabin in the middle of no where.  I went slightly in to the middle of less than nowhere to a laudramat to wash all the linens as they don't have a washer and dryer.  No one even came with me.  I spent 3 hours by myself with a bunch of naked people - it was that kind of the middle of nowhere.  They would take a shower at the laundramat and rent a towel.  Then wash ALL their clothes.


That is a great story! lol.

 

OP, it would have been nicer and more...I don't know, "it takes a village," "we're a team," kind of gesture if they had just cleaned it up themselves. But I do find that kid messes tend to fall on the parents to clean. My mom made a big deal out of offering to change diapers when my son was small but it quickly turned to, "I smell something- maybe you should change him!" and a quick hand-over. It does sting sometimes when grandparents and other family members want to participate in the fun stuff without getting their hands dirty with the drudge work, especially when you've been particularly mired in drudgery and feel like you'd like some help. But it seems to be a pretty common phenomenon.


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#5 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 05:19 PM
 
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I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. I know I would/do in similar situations.

I know that my personal expectation is, that to some degree, if someone (family too) is having time with my kids and something happens, it's taken care of to some degree on the spot so that its not, like, a crazy mess for anyone else - especially of all the kid. For me it's wrapped up in the responsibility and privilege of caring for the kids. And, for my part, if I was watching or with any other kid I'd for sure clean up vomit/feces/urine if needed ASAP, for the sake of the kid. I'd accept help, sure, but I'd own the reaponsibilty for it in the first place if I was there when its happening.

Then again, I also am prone to that "how dare you tell me what to do" mentality, and I know a situation like this I'm not prepared for would irk me the same way. Just having your hand in something being forced, even when you're happy to do the cleaning up in the first place. And someone coming at you heavy handed, instead of asking for help or giving you a chance to graciously offer your help (dunno if I'm reading into your incident here too much, but it feels like it happened like that) makes it hard for me not to feel irritated, anyway.
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#6 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 08:59 PM
 
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If my kid get sick then I clean it up. Why would anyone else? I don't wanna clean up others vomit and I am damn sure they don't wanna clean up mine (or my kids.)
 


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#7 of 9 Old 03-09-2013, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah that's the thing. I guess if I were transporting some kids who were not mine and one threw up I would just expect I would be cleaning out my car-because it's *my* car and I have to deal with what goes on in it. Just like cleaning up any trash kids left behind. *Shrug*

But I am over the whole thing now lol. I just hate that feeling of was I ok to feel that, did I over-react, etc.

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#8 of 9 Old 03-10-2013, 06:41 AM
 
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My kids, my mess. I actually would have offered to pay to have the seat shampooed as well.

And it's not that i would be unwilling to help if the situation were reversed (under some circumstances) but I would expect the same offers from the sick child parents. It's not fair to ask your in-laws to expose themselves to potential illness by cleaning up vomit from your sick kids. The fact that you've been dealing with your own sick kids is has zero bearing in what was an appropriate expectation of your inlaws. When you go for a play date at a friends house, you make your kids help clean up before you leave, right? It's not "their house, their problem." That might be more comparable to vomit in a car than some crumbs from a granola bar left in your car from transporting a kid.

Fwiw, my niece threw up in the back seat of my car many years ago before I had kids. We got home, I help my sister get my neice in bed and cleaned up, while her husband cleaned out my car. I then took my car to have the seat cleaned (my sister couldn't afford to pay for that) and it was fine with me that way. They did what they could. A couple years ago my kid threw up in my childless best friends car. I cleaned it up while he kept my kid occupied, and then I offered to give him money for his seat to be cleaned, which he wouldn't take.

In both instances, I think everyone was understanding and polite about it.

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#9 of 9 Old 03-10-2013, 08:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MoonJelly View Post

Yeah that's the thing. I guess if I were transporting some kids who were not mine and one threw up I would just expect I would be cleaning out my car-because it's *my* car and I have to deal with what goes on in it. Just like cleaning up any trash kids left behind. *Shrug*

But I am over the whole thing now lol. I just hate that feeling of was I ok to feel that, did I over-react, etc.

I'll have to change my answer hehe...

 

Other peoples trash I'm ok with cleaning if it's my car... probably even if someone else's kid peed in my carseat, I'd just throw the cover in the wash and it would be just easier for me to do it myself rather than coordinate a whole exchange of carseat parts with the guilty party lol... but I'm kind of grossed out by vomit and don't know if I could handle cleaning up after another person's kid.....

 

Sidenote... does this happen often to people? If that's the case I don't know if I'd be comfortable with letting other people's kids in my car! bigeyes.gif

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