How to tell mother I want to spend mother's day with my own family? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 21 Old 05-05-2013, 04:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

This has been an issue for the past 2 mother's days. The first occurred when DS was only 7 days old and my personal space had already been bulldozed down with too many visits from relatives and curious folks intent on "meeting" DS. Anyhow, my wishes were ignored and I was forced to spend mother's day 2011 celebrating my first mother's day in the way my own mother wished.

 

Last year, I was very upfront about wanting to spend mother's day with just DS and DH. My parents informed me that I was being "selfish" and that they were coming to visit. I was very hurt by the fact that they would not listen to me, and when they arrived I was impolite and basically ignored them until they decided to leave. This has been my best strategy over the years to getting my way on an issue, but I don't like it. I would like to have my choices respected from the start, rather than having to resort to passive-aggressive behavior.

 

Every single mother's day growing up was spent doing whatever my mother wanted, and I always went along with it. I never forgot the day, always had a card and present ready for my mom, and went along with what my mother wanted to do... I am an only child and my mom likes to try to make me feel guilty on EVERY holiday because "you're my only child", so I should feel obligated to spend the day with my parents.

Obviously, this was in no way my decision. I can remember being bullied in to walking for my high school graduation (I am painfully shy and would have preferred to skip walking) because it would be the only chance my parents had to see such a thing. I sobbed the whole graduation ceremony because I was so depressed about it.

 

I am rather dreading mother's day this year. Stating my preference to spend the day with my family is of no importance to my mother, and rational arguments do not seem to have an effect on her.

Any ideas on how I can peacefully and assertively communicate with my mother?


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#2 of 21 Old 05-05-2013, 05:30 PM
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,027
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's difficult at first to find your voice but the more you use it, the easier it becomes. You tell her you are just going to be spending the day with just your little family. If they say they are coming anyway, you firmly tell them no, they will not. Then lock the doors and hum " you can keep on knocking but you can't come in". Find the humor in it :-) Leave the storm door locked, but open the main one and tell them now is not a good time and shut the door. It's hard the first time, no doubt and you'll feel guilty probably. But don't! You have no reason to feel guilty, you clearly told them you were not making plans in mother's day. If you're afraid you might cave or just don't want to deal with it, go out if town for the weekend. Tell them a fake hotel if you have to.
Lisa85 is offline  
#3 of 21 Old 05-05-2013, 05:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Thank you! Those are great suggestions! I often have fantasies of just not answering the door when I've caved in to an unwanted visit, but never had the courage to do it. I'll give it a try if they show up without my permission.


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#4 of 21 Old 05-05-2013, 06:09 PM
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,027
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

You're welcome. My IL's used to come over ALL the time unannounced, and not only that they didn't even bother to knock. They'd just suddenly be in my living room, talking to the kids. I tried hints, I tried asking politely, bluntly, you name int! I'm sure you're familiar with all of the above:) And then they came over when 3 out of hte 5 family members of the house were sleeping. I tried to act as if we weren't home but I guess they figured it out anyway. They were highly offended and now almost act as if they have to walk on egg shells. It's a blessing in disguise. I can't tell if they're just THAT socially awkward or if they're trying to manipulate us into feeling guilty. Either way, after only one wasted trip (1 hour each way for them) we haven't had to deal with walk-n's or unannounced visits in over a year.  I'm not letting my guard down though. With a new squish on the way, I wouldn't be surprised if they try to start up again after this LO is born.

 

Just remind yourself that you are not at fault. One should only feel guilty if they are at fault for something. You can set boundaries without being "mean". It's ok to say no and back that up by your actions without being mean. It isn't mean to have your own opinion.  If she's rational and reasonable, she'll understand. If she's not, well one more reason not to spend Mother's Day with her.

Lisa85 is offline  
#5 of 21 Old 05-05-2013, 07:39 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Some parents are low on boundaries and high on guilt. eyesroll.gif  I agree with everything said above, but want to add, that it may make you feel better to stand up for yourself, and calmly, succinctly explain (just once) everything you said above.  About this being a lifelong pattern, and not a healthy one.

 

Whether you address the issue or not, it's perfectly logical to point out that on Mother's Day, growing up, you did everything your mom wanted to do, with your little family. That's all you are asking for.

 

And of course, at the end of the day, it's don't answer the door.  I'm not expecting alot out of you explaining these things to your mother, because they seem pretty entrenched in their ways, but it may make YOU feel better, and that counts!  You deserve to feel empowered, not guilty.

 

It's really quite toxic for parents to put that much baggage on their kids.  Your parents' happiness and fulfillment isn't on your shoulders, no matter what they say.  It's on theirs.  And if having a great relationship with you is something they truly desire, then they have to learn that it's a two-way street - they have to respect you as an adult.  They have to treat you more like a peer, and less like a plaything.  As a grown woman who has her own beautiful family, and wants to have her own dang Mother's Day! orngbiggrin.gif

 

When you've grown up with all this rubbish, it's awfully hard to garner the courage to bust out of it.  You feel manipulated by guilt at every turn (what an awful way to want your own child to feel!).  But you can do it!  You just have to put up the boundaries, and if they bust through, you have no choice but to build them back stronger, until they are respected. thumb.gif

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about, mama - nothing.  They should feel guilty for putting all of this on you (all your life).  And if anyone is being selfish here????  Past and present - it's them.

 

Hugs! hug2.gif  If you feel yourself lacking in strength, or shrinking back into your child self, just remember you are a strong, rockstar mama, with her own sanity and the sanctity of her home to defend.  Let a lil mama bear out. winky.gif

BeckyBird likes this.

~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#6 of 21 Old 05-06-2013, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Well, they showed up today without my permission... my dad called last night and asked what time they could visit today and I said I wanted to spend the day just playing with DS. Maybe they could visit another time. About an hour ago my phone rang and my mom said they were outside of my house and wanted to come in.

 

I said we were busy, sorry. The guilt trip started- I should feel bad about treating them like that, they drove a long way to see us (60 miles), my dad needed to use the bathroom, they had presents for DS and wanted to visit with him, etc...

 

It's absolutely absurd, they completely blew off what I said last night and everything I said today was "rude". I only repeated the same thing in different ways, essentially "I'm sorry, we're busy right now. I told you last night that we had other plans for today. Thank you for the presents, you can leave them on the porch. We'll see you another time."

 

I really appreciated the replies to my original post (I read both new posts this morning, just didn't have time to reply) and thought about them the whole time I was on the phone. I don't think I would have been able to hold firm without the assurance that refusing them entry is the right thing to do. Thank you both so much!

 

Lisa, I can't even imagine people just walking in without knocking! I'm glad they've stopped doing that, and hopefully the trend will continue.


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#7 of 21 Old 05-06-2013, 05:43 PM
 
PrimordialMind's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good for you for standing your ground!! joy.gif. You must feel really good right now. I would have had a hard time if it were my parents standing outside my house, guilt-tripping me to come inside. Its so easy to think, "they've come all this way, i might as well let them in" and thats what theyre counting on as being the response when they show up against your will. My parents have never understood or cared about proper boundaries, i've actually had to cut them out completely because of it. The repercussions for standing up to them like you did today would have resulted in a good amount of passive-aggressive hurtful behavior that i cant tolerate anymore. I hope they dont treat you badly now after you stood up for yourself today. Hopefully they have realized that they need to be respectful of your boundaries since you're not just going to bow down to them anymore.
PrimordialMind is offline  
#8 of 21 Old 05-06-2013, 08:10 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I know that was rough - but you rocked it!!!! clap.gif

 

Clearly, they aren't willing to respect what you say, eyesroll.gif and the only thing you can do in that instance is exactly what you did.  Or they will never learn!  They won't believe you or respect your boundaries voluntarily, so you are left to enforce them.  That's what happened - they pushed, and you were strong enough to stand your ground. thumb.gif  All you are asking for is love and basic respect.  It should be easy to do, if they weren't so selfish and emotionally manipulative. greensad.gif  (you might look into the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward - it sounds extreme, but covers this kind of stuff well!)

 

And yes, there is a chance they will still lick their "wounds" and refuse to learn, which is sad.  Because they are essentially forfeiting a real relationship with you, if that is the case.  I hope they realize the error of their ways or at least learn the hard way to curtail/amend their behavior.  Of course, if they don't, you aren't missing out on much (unfortunately...).

Anyway, don't want to end on a low note - you are a rockstar!!!! joy.gif You should be so proud of yourself, for standing up for you and your awesome family!!! smile.gif


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#9 of 21 Old 05-07-2013, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Thank you guys so much! It means a lot to me to have the support of the mothering community.

 

I did feel a little guilty last night because I was thinking that my parents don't actually recognize that there is a legitimate problem. To them it probably does just look like I am being a jerk, simply because this pattern of behavior is so well established.

 

My mom called today to make sure DS and I were alright. She said that she had been awake all night worried that I wouldn't let them in because DH had hurt us. irked.gif Lovely. I again stated that the reason they had not been let in was because it was rude to just show up, especially when I had already stated the night before that a visit would not work out at that time. Throughout the conversation (which lasted about 9.5 minutes) my mother asked 3 more times if DH had hurt me.  He has NEVER hurt me, or shown any inclination of doing so. He would never hurt DS. My mother should know this, but apparently cannot get past the fact that in her mind I am unable to have a thought in my head. ARGH!

 

I do feel great though. coolshine.gif I am proud of the fact that I did not crack under pressure yesterday, and that I didn't lose it today when my mother acted like a lunatic on the phone. I'm glad for a little practice before Mother's Day. wink1.gif


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#10 of 21 Old 05-07-2013, 03:03 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapigeon View Post

Thank you guys so much! It means a lot to me to have the support of the mothering community.

 

I did feel a little guilty last night because I was thinking that my parents don't actually recognize that there is a legitimate problem. To them it probably does just look like I am being a jerk, simply because this pattern of behavior is so well established.

 

My mom called today to make sure DS and I were alright. She said that she had been awake all night worried that I wouldn't let them in because DH had hurt us. irked.gif Lovely. I again stated that the reason they had not been let in was because it was rude to just show up, especially when I had already stated the night before that a visit would not work out at that time. Throughout the conversation (which lasted about 9.5 minutes) my mother asked 3 more times if DH had hurt me.  He has NEVER hurt me, or shown any inclination of doing so. He would never hurt DS. My mother should know this, but apparently cannot get past the fact that in her mind I am unable to have a thought in my head. ARGH!

 

I do feel great though. coolshine.gif I am proud of the fact that I did not crack under pressure yesterday, and that I didn't lose it today when my mother acted like a lunatic on the phone. I'm glad for a little practice before Mother's Day. wink1.gif

 

The sad part about this is, I am cracking up because my parents have done the same.exact.thing (my mother has even repeatedly given me "code words" to give her, and been up all night after we talked just because I "sounded weird" on the phone - yup, I "sounded weird" because I was actually upset with her boundary-stomping, and told her so!).  It's as if,in her mind, something as outlandish as spousal abuse (thankfully outlandish around here as well) or a kidnapping or some dramatic movie scene is somehow MORE likely than me just having an honest complaint about her behavior.  Really?!?  It's more likely that ninjas have infiltrated my house and are secretly holding me at knife point than that you might have done something wrong?

 

Ah, the power of denial! whistling.gif If she wants to "stay up all night" filling her head with nonsense, instead of just listening to you, there's not much you can do (and it's certainly not your fault!) Still proud of you, and glad you are, too! thumb.gif  Keep rockin' it - like any other kind of work, working to maintain healthy boundaries takes effort, but you reap the benefits. smile.gif

 

PS - this is actually helpful for me, too - as a reminder to make sure I don't get sucked back into the guilt craziness, and stay vigilant about healthy boundary-tending - so thank you. love.gif


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#11 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 09:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pickle18 View Post

 

  It's more likely that ninjas have infiltrated my house and are secretly holding me at knife point than that you might have done something wrong?

 

You have me cracking up, too! It's amazing that there are people out there who can block out all logic in favor of unrealistic scenarios. headscratch.gif Do you still have contact with your parents?

 

The more I think about it, the more angry I get at my mother for dragging DH in as the "bad guy" and trying to make herself appear like a worried and loving parent. It's absolutely insane- there is no respect for me in there at all, and clearly no respect for my marriage or husband (for about a year after we were married she would say, "Oh, you're not even married anyway." because we didn't have guests when we were married...). Hmmm, this thread is really making me rethink the whole contact thing with my parents.

 

I'm glad this is helping you too, Pickle. It's nice to have a safe place to share these feelings (and keep them recorded). hug2.gif


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#12 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 10:15 AM
 
Escaping's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapigeon View Post

My mom called today to make sure DS and I were alright. She said that she had been awake all night worried that I wouldn't let them in because DH had hurt us. irked.gif 

 

LOL... that sounds like something my mom would say. "Oh shut up you old bag!" sounds like something I would say winky.gif

 

I have a very small family so everyone knows family is always welcome... but they also know not to be surprised if I get annoyed if they show up unannounced. I don't do anything special, they just sit on my couch and maybe drink a coffee. It might make your life easier to ask yourself why do you care? Why does it bother you so much if they show up? Does your DS like when they come over? My son loves his grandparents, so at least there's that... and not to add to your guilt, but at least they care? Some people's parents couldn't care less about their grandkids and they're deeply offended about that... your son has grandparents beating down the door. 

Escaping is offline  
#13 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 01:02 PM
 
PrimordialMind's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escaping View Post

I have a very small family so everyone knows family is always welcome... but they also know not to be surprised if I get annoyed if they show up unannounced. I don't do anything special, they just sit on my couch and maybe drink a coffee. It might make your life easier to ask yourself why do you care? Why does it bother you so much if they show up? Does your DS like when they come over? My son loves his grandparents, so at least there's that... and not to add to your guilt, but at least they care? Some people's parents couldn't care less about their grandkids and they're deeply offended about that... your son has grandparents beating down the door. 

From my understanding, the OP cares because she has told them no the night before they came. They didnt respect this at all, instead they come over the next day and tried to guilt trip there way inside. Its a complete disregard for her boundaries. She has a right to say no and enforce this no, it doesnt matter what her reasons happen to be. This is also a normal pattern of behavior that her parents have exhibited--ignore her "no" and push an shove their way in. It is a horrible feeling to have your boundaries shunned and run over. It doesnt matter if they want to see their grandson because they refuse to respect the child's mother, which is the most important thing. To say that wanting to see him is all that matters is rude, imo. Clearly you havent recognized the importance of establishing clear boundaries.
PrimordialMind is offline  
#14 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 01:16 PM
 
rainydaycraft's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Olympia, WA
Posts: 208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think there's a difference between showing up unannounced and showing up after being specifically told not to come over.  The latter in my opinion is even more disrespectful - it basically communicates the idea that your wishes and words aren't worth listening to, which is incredibly dismissive and hurtful.  I absolutely support the OPs decision not to let her parents inside, and although it might seem harsh to some people at first who don't feel the same way, it's a step in a necessary direction.  It's not just about annoying behavior, it's about controlling behavior.

 

Parents who steamroll their adult children will never, ever stop until things like this happen.  My husband is a passive person and was also quite shy as a child, and he was constantly bullied by his family in all his life choices, particularly by his mother.  After we moved in together, any time he would try and assert himself to her over the phone, she would spit back comments like, "Is SHE making you say that?" or "SHE's right there, isn't she?"  It was this idea that he was of course incapable of making his own decisions about his own life, and so if she wasn't pulling the strings, I of course must be.

 

It took years to get them to where we are now, with her respecting his decisions.  It took lots of actions like the OP has had to take, and it wasn't pleasant.  But it was best for everyone involved.  As soon as his mother was able to detach a bit, she was able to live her own life more, and I honestly think she's happier now.
 

Congrats on standing your ground!  It's the best thing for your family.


Moni - 31 years old, married for 4 years, and new momma to Norah, born October 16th, 2013! smile.gif
rainydaycraft is offline  
#15 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 02:50 PM
 
Escaping's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrimordialMind View Post


From my understanding, the OP cares because she has told them no the night before they came. They didnt respect this at all, instead they come over the next day and tried to guilt trip there way inside. Its a complete disregard for her boundaries. She has a right to say no and enforce this no, it doesnt matter what her reasons happen to be. This is also a normal pattern of behavior that her parents have exhibited--ignore her "no" and push an shove their way in. It is a horrible feeling to have your boundaries shunned and run over. It doesnt matter if they want to see their grandson because they refuse to respect the child's mother, which is the most important thing. To say that wanting to see him is all that matters is rude, imo. Clearly you havent recognized the importance of establishing clear boundaries.

 

You're right, my house is a bit of a hippie commune... we don't have very many rules and the ones we do have usually get broken, but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. However, I wasn't suggesting that the OP agree with me or everyone should be like me, just that when people are upset that their boundaries were disregarded, it might be an idea to explore whether or not it's even worth the energy to be mad or fight about it when the person will probably never change. For me it's just easier to open the door and throw on a pot of coffee and wait patiently until the intruders leave than to have 7 different discussions about boundaries and how it makes everyone else feel. I also didn't say the fact that grandparents wanted to see their grandchild is all that matters... but on a similar topic, if a child likes it when their grandparents are over, why should they be deprived of seeing them just because their mother doesn't want guests that day, no matter how valid the reason is? Again, not suggesting this applies to the OP, just a general question.

Escaping is offline  
#16 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 03:21 PM
 
pek64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Grandparents who violate visitation boundries often violate other boundries. My parents took advantage of twenty minutes alone with my, then 3 year old, son and told him I was going to die. It was the final straw in a series of inappropriate behavior from them.

So, keep the boundries. What are you going to do? Wait all your life for your mother to die, so you can do what you want? I spent too much time waiting for that. Live life now, and if she really cares, she'll adapt. If she doesn't, then you're still doing what's best for you and your family. You are important, too.
pek64 is offline  
#17 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 04:36 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainydaycraft View Post

It's not just about annoying behavior, it's about controlling behavior.

 

(bolding mine)  I think this is where Escaping is coming from a different place.  When someone seeks to emotionally manipulate you, to attack your independence, to turn you into their puppet - and continues to stomp all over you - that is not something you just "put on a pot of coffee" and ignore.  It damages your quality of life, affects your sanity, and undermines your self-confidence - in short, the people who are acting destructively get away with harming you, and you are left picking up the pieces when they go home.  There is always a serious emotional hangover (IME). 

 

I think it takes someone in that situation to get it.  We're talking about selfish people who have no qualms about hurting or disrespecting you to get what they want.  Who go to crazy lengths to cover their tracks in guilt trips about wanting to see the grandkids, etc. and convince themselves they are doing nothing wrong.

 

Parents who steamroll their adult children will never, ever stop until things like this happen.  My husband is a passive person and was also quite shy as a child, and he was constantly bullied by his family in all his life choices, particularly by his mother.  After we moved in together, any time he would try and assert himself to her over the phone, she would spit back comments like, "Is SHE making you say that?" or "SHE's right there, isn't she?"  It was this idea that he was of course incapable of making his own decisions about his own life, and so if she wasn't pulling the strings, I of course must be.

 

yeahthat.gif x 1000

 

It took years to get them to where we are now, with her respecting his decisions.  It took lots of actions like the OP has had to take, and it wasn't pleasant.  But it was best for everyone involved.  As soon as his mother was able to detach a bit, she was able to live her own life more, and I honestly think she's happier now.
 

Congrats on standing your ground!  It's the best thing for your family.

 

I completely agree!  Some people (and unfortunately even parents) will treat you as badly as you let them.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

Grandparents who violate visitation boundries often violate other boundries. My parents took advantage of twenty minutes alone with my, then 3 year old, son and told him I was going to die. It was the final straw in a series of inappropriate behavior from them.

So, keep the boundries. What are you going to do? Wait all your life for your mother to die, so you can do what you want? I spent too much time waiting for that. Live life now, and if she really cares, she'll adapt. If she doesn't, then you're still doing what's best for you and your family. You are important, too.

 

This is absolutely true.  If you give them an inch, they will take a mile.  They will infiltrate any area of your life they can seeking control - it's pretty pathological. nut.gif


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#18 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 04:54 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapigeon View Post

 

You have me cracking up, too! It's amazing that there are people out there who can block out all logic in favor of unrealistic scenarios. headscratch.gifDo you still have contact with your parents?

 

We had a huge blow-up several months ago.  I think having my own family made their behavior even worse (I had established a self-sustaining nuclear unit outside of them, so they had to infiltrate - I could go on for days with insane anecdotes) and also, made my tolerance for their manipulation go straight down.  Especially when my family was always left dealing with the fallout.  It wasn't fair to them. 

 

I wrote them a long letter, and of course received nothing but incredulity and guilt trips in return.  eyesroll.gif  However, by then I could distance myself a bit from the crazy and call a spade a spade.  They are still in my life, and in DS's life, but to a greatly reduced degree (there was alot of complaining about this at first, which then petered out).  I set up clear terms and conditions for them remaining involved - limits that would be totally innate, if they didn't operate the way they do. 

 

I also had a pretty messed up childhood (which of course nobody acknowledges, either).  I can deal with them being weird about the past, as long as they aren't so much in my face, continuing to be controlling and delusional, int the present. orngbiggrin.gif

 

The more I think about it, the more angry I get at my mother for dragging DH in as the "bad guy" and trying to make herself appear like a worried and loving parent. It's absolutely insane- there is no respect for me in there at all, and clearly no respect for my marriage or husband (for about a year after we were married she would say, "Oh, you're not even married anyway." because we didn't have guests when we were married...). Hmmm, this thread is really making me rethink the whole contact thing with my parents.

 

Again, I think there is something that brings out the worst in them, when you are happy and secure in your own family, and don't "need" them in the weird desperate way they want you to (which is more like, you don't let them call the shots anymore).  Independence and adulthood are anathema.  Thankfully, they are part of what helps you to have the strength to establish boundaries! thumb.gif

 

It really is a weird kind of bullying.  It somehow makes them feel better about themselves if you are subordinate.  And like a PP said - I honestly do think setting boundaries has helped my mother focus more on herself and her own life.

 

I'm glad this is helping you too, Pickle. It's nice to have a safe place to share these feelings (and keep them recorded). hug2.gif

 

eta - I honestly think my parents do care about me, in their own weird way - but they need to be trained.  Like a dog. ROTFLMAO.gifwild.gif


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#19 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamapigeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escaping View Post

 

I have a very small family so everyone knows family is always welcome... but they also know not to be surprised if I get annoyed if they show up unannounced. I don't do anything special, they just sit on my couch and maybe drink a coffee. It might make your life easier to ask yourself why do you care? Why does it bother you so much if they show up? Does your DS like when they come over? My son loves his grandparents, so at least there's that... and not to add to your guilt, but at least they care? Some people's parents couldn't care less about their grandkids and they're deeply offended about that... your son has grandparents beating down the door. 

 

A very good question. I care because this isn't just an issue of visiting unannounced, it is simply about listening to me and respecting what I say. Since I originally started this thread about preventing a Mother's Day mishap, I left out the fact that my mother questions almost everything that comes out of my mouth. About 2 months ago, I was over visiting with her and we ordered a pizza. She asked me if I would like a packet of parmesan cheese, and when I said no, she would not drop it, "Are you sure?" or "Come on, there's plenty here.". She asked me 6 times in about 5 minutes. She is not hard of hearing or senile, she just could not accept that I did not want parmesan on my pizza when she thought I should.

So, while I agree that it is maybe not a big deal for some people to drop in unannounced, that just won't work with my parents. I simply do not want to allow my parents any more opportunity to ignore my feelings.

I feel bad that my son was denied a visit (he does love my parents), but ultimately I feel that seeing me have my every word questioned in front of him is a bad idea. I do not want him to grow up thinking that is acceptable.

Actually, there's something rather amusing about this. DH and I have moved every 6 months our whole relationship (thankfully, that is over now!), with our most recent being a little under a month ago. My parents were visiting to see our new dwelling... My dad is kind of weird and likes to look at homes, not in a creepy going-to-rob-you sort of way, but more of a shut bedroom doors won't stop him way.


tea6.gifcancer-beating wife to caffix.gif DH since 7/4/09, mother to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifDS 5/1/11 + energy.gifDD 8/21/2013

 

 angel1.gif (4/09) angel1.gif (5/12)

mamapigeon is offline  
#20 of 21 Old 05-08-2013, 07:33 PM
 
Escaping's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapigeon View Post

A very good question. I care because this isn't just an issue of visiting unannounced, it is simply about listening to me and respecting what I say. Since I originally started this thread about preventing a Mother's Day mishap, I left out the fact that my mother questions almost everything that comes out of my mouth. About 2 months ago, I was over visiting with her and we ordered a pizza. She asked me if I would like a packet of parmesan cheese, and when I said no, she would not drop it, "Are you sure?" or "Come on, there's plenty here.". She asked me 6 times in about 5 minutes. She is not hard of hearing or senile, she just could not accept that I did not want parmesan on my pizza when she thought I should.
So, while I agree that it is maybe not a big deal for some people to drop in unannounced, that just won't work with my parents. I simply do not want to allow my parents any more opportunity to ignore my feelings.
I feel bad that my son was denied a visit (he does love my parents), but ultimately I feel that seeing me have my every word questioned in front of him is a bad idea. I do not want him to grow up thinking that is acceptable.
Actually, there's something rather amusing about this. DH and I have moved every 6 months our whole relationship (thankfully, that is over now!), with our most recent being a little under a month ago. My parents were visiting to see our new dwelling... My dad is kind of weird and likes to look at homes, not in a creepy going-to-rob-you sort of way, but more of a shut bedroom doors won't stop him way.
LOL it sounds like we share the same mom! ...except at the end when we finally established I didn't want cheese, she'd end it with a "you're stupid then, it's good cheese!" in an Eastern European accent.
I don't worry too much about my son picking up that she constantly undermining everything I say, I'm pretty sure he'll learn much faster that if you just keep eating she'll stop badgering you. And also put on a hat... You should probably be wearing a hat. If you're already wearing a hat, take off the hat, it's too hot for a hat. Lol
Escaping is offline  
#21 of 21 Old 05-09-2013, 03:36 AM
 
Shakti77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 390
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

It's hard to change people, but at least we can learn to handle our responses better..  I've been working on my responses too... Not that it has established clear boundaries, but everytime somebody tries to cross the line, I know it right away and respond much better now.

 

Btw, coming back to your mothers day question, would it work for you to meet them at a restaurant for a lunch or dinner... or maybe just do icecream or desserts...from 4-5 pm to celebrate mothers day with them. Your mom can have her time and you can have the rest of the day.  Public spaces are easy to enter and leave, than personal homes.


nerdy mom to DD1 7yo, D2 infant
Shakti77 is offline  
Reply

Tags
Personal Growth

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off