I think its pretty usual for people who feel unconfident and out of place to volunteer to run a group or an event, and that's not a criticism at all-its a good tactic IMO for integrating, and I know I've done it in situations where it would otherwise be much harder for me to be part of a group and get to know people. I guess, we're all human, is all I'm saying.
This is a good point. I volunteer a lot because it seems like that is the way to get into groups, and also because I feel like I should "do my duty" and put in some hours with the group to be nice. That's probably not the best reason to volunteer, but I try to find it enjoyable.
I always felt like I had a hard time making friends too. I would try groups or go to events hoping desperately to make a friend, and it never worked out. What changed everything for me was when I decided that when I went to a social event I would just be present at the event rather than trying to make a lifelong bond. Those happen so infrequently and it's discouraging to be constantly hoping or looking for it. Now I feel totally comfortable in any social setting and I think I project more confidence than before. I chat with people and ask questions and try to learn something about them, but if I never see them again I'm still grateful for the experience. Lo and behold, I've made more friends with this attitude than with the old one! I have friends in my neighborhood, friends at DD's school, friends from work and one friend from an old baby group that I reconnected with at a birthday party.
Another thing I've learned is that I'm naturally drawn to other introverts as friends, and they are harder to make friends with! You have to be persistent even if the other person seems uninterested at first. Of course, you have to use your judgment and not annoy if the person is truly uninterested, but a lot of times the other person is just thinking that you're not interested! One friend from DD's school is very reserved, but I started by texting her a couple times a week with random things in between setting up playdates for our girls, and now we're friends.
-Ecstatic mommy to amazing DD, 2/07 :
I see what you are saying. I definitely should find a balance between trying too hard and giving up altogether. But it's kind of weird how women seem much more friendly when I blow them off. It happened at the mall a few days ago and now we are texting each other. It's just a matter of getting out there and feeling ok as I am (basically friendless).
I understand all these issues. I have a 1 month old, and am debating what to use my limited energy on. Meetup groups? The classes that you pay for, in the backroom at those overpriced baby boutique stores? Going to churches, even if I am not necessarily "ultra" religious, just "kinda"? Or just trying to "pick up" moms at the park or a coffee shop? That is what I call it to my husband, trying to pick up friends.
Sometimes I feel like the people I see out and about, look like people I'd have nothing in common with, and I wouldn't even know where to begin a conversation. I am somewhat young, and most of the moms around here seem much older and more established in life. I am not sure if I should work really hard to find commonalities, or hold out and save the energy when I meet someone that seems to have things in common with me (uh, anything in common!). But then part of the problem, is....do I even know who I am? What am I even looking for in a friend? I guess someone young. And the fact that I stay home is uncommon in Los Angeles, so that makes me an odd ball. I feel like most women here have REAL problems, like trying to balance work and family, and my problem is sitting at home and being bored. :( No one can relate to that. I feel blessed, but it also makes me the weird one.
When I went to the baby prep classes at a local hospital, some of those people seemed like people I would have things in common with (not too rich, not too this or that, down to earth).....but in a classroom setting, it is tough to make friendships, I thought. People tend to just disperse when class is over.
I think I am going to need to put more effort into this. Hubby and I both feel isolated. I think he would like some "daddy" friends too. Not just all these single guys he currently knows!
mnj....I like your advice above.
I guess the hard part is, deciding how to ask someone to actually hang out again. That is the thing I struggle with. Will I sound creepy? But again, it's all about just being grateful for the exeperience of meeting someone even briefly.
Well I will chime in...I have a crappy support system. Divorced for less than a year, no parents, an extended family that cares superficially and now I have had relatives stealing money from my own purse this past weekend. I was really ready to throw in the towel and give up on everyone! I have one person I would call a good friend I see every couple months, super christian. Fine, but I am not, and that has been hard for me to deal with. When I try to be friends with xdh he takes it as I want to get back together so that usually blows up in my face. So a year ago I started going to meetups, not very often and the first ones I went to were social groups as i was going through a divorce. Then the divorce happened and I dated someone for a couple months and it ended badly and i realized i really needed to work on getting some good friends. That was in January...July and still I cannot say that I have made and real friendships from meetups. I started going to more mom/parent meetups and go less to the social meetups for grownups. And it is HARD to make friends chasing 1 or 2 kids around at an event! A couple months ago one of the leaders of the single parents group asked to help and be an assistant organizer. I had my first 'meetup' that I led and it was ok, but could have been much better...At the zoo and people kept showing up later and later, that was the worse part. And I was taking care of two kids...I did get to talk to a few of the moms I thought I may click with but you know part of me doesn't want to seem to eager or desperate to make friends kwim? LOL. There was another event the next weekend and I saw a lot of the same parents again and talked to them and their kids.THere were some new people that showed up and yes I talked less to them, a couple that trickled in later i never even introduced myself to (this was at a drive in movie theatre) I have a 2 year old and a 7 year old, so far I have been the parent with a toddler at these meetups and well, she takes a lot of my attention....I am not trying to be cliquish at all, just that the new people seemed to show up later or have much older kids and gravitated to the opposite side of the group (our group was pretty large) and I just talked to people that were sitting next to me. I would say I am on the shy side but my main issue at these types of things is the fact that i am taking care of my kids.
I go to a spiritual meetup group on occasion and so far that has been the best for potential friends. One lady we ended up hanging out after the event and another one I invited out for my friends birthday party and that was great.
For me it is so hard to find friends because I am single, now a student parent and i am now working. I live off of cs/and alimony and still sahm with my kiddos. It's like I am this rare type of parent really there are not many out there that are doing this, most single moms are working 3 jobs and have no time to socialize. I have time to socialize but not often without my kids.
Another thing I had set out to do is make friends in my new neighborhood, so far nada. I talk some to the next door neighbor but mostly to the husband and 10 year old dd, I try not to talk too much to a married man because i feel it is not appropriate, but all my other neighbors I have no clue about. I take the kids on walks pretty much hoping to catch a neighbor to chat and have yet been able to, lately though i have made a point to say hi to anyone i see.
I live in Tampa, which isn't but a hop skip and a jump from Pinellas Co. I'd love to hangout and chat sometime. :) You can PM me on here. How old are your kids? Mine are home for the summer - ages 4 and 8 so maybe our kids can have a play date too?
I'm having a "girls night out" at my house on July 16th too where there will be other mama's for you to hang out with too.
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