I need to learn to keep my mouth shut! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 08-01-2013, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just sent an email to someone on accident.

 

I intended to forward an email to my sister and added a nasty little comment…and then accidentally replied to the original sender instead of forwarding the email to my sister.

 

When will I learn?!?!  I was acting impulsively while angry.  It was petty.  I should have stopped and calmed down and not sent the email at all…even to my sister.  Unfortunately this action will affect my daughter since the email was sent to her drama coaches.

 

I am 50 years old and still doing/saying stupid things.  Actually, I think I am getting worse.  The filter between my brain and mouth (or in this case hands) is not working.    If I am not saying the wrong thing; I am saying too much.  I really need to work on this.

 

Has anyone else felt like this?  I find the only way to stop is to stay away from people (which I already do too much - I'm a loner). 

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#2 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 04:42 AM
 
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sounds like you just got a wake up call. but you already knew that.

 

here's what i think you should consider:

 

apologize.

 

send a formal, nicely worked, personal email to the person you just offended. be contrite. be sorry. be honest. confess, "that was a mean thing for me to say, and i regret it." or something like that, that is real.

 

tell the person that they don't have to forgive you, but that you wanted them to know that you regret saying that, and that you are trying to learn from the incident, and again, that you are just sorry.

 

---

 

chances are, the relationship between you and the drama teacher (drama!!) will still be forevermore strained, but at least it will be better than if you do nothing. 

 

and hopefully she will hold it against your daughter less.

 

good luck.

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#3 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 05:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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---

 

chances are, the relationship between you and the drama teacher (drama!!) will still be forevermore strained, but at least it will be better than if you do nothing. 

 

and hopefully she will hold it against your daughter less.

 

Thank you.  I agree with all you wrote.

With regards to the drama coaches (husband and wife team), our relationship was already strained and we will not be going back to their facility after this weekend.  We had a talk earlier in the week.  I think I handled our conversation well, tried not to say too much.  I was disappointed with their methods.  They told my 9yo she looked stupid on stage.  Told the kids they would look like idiots if they didn't learn their lines better. A lot of yelling and shaming, etc.  They told me it is their way of motivating but their methods just aren't for us.  I told them my daughter was petrified to return but that we would honor our commitment through this weekend.  Now I feel like I blew it big time with my email.  My daughter will be there all day today - 9am to 8:30pm and most of tomorrow.  The shows are tonight and tomorrow and then we will not see them again.

 

I sent a quick 'sorry' immediately after sending the email last night.  But it was not enough.  Not sure if I should send another this morning or just drop it.

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#4 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 07:51 AM
 
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I would drop it unless they email you back.

 

I think just about everyone has done something like this, either IRL, email or online. Learn and grow from this.
 

Edited to add ***hugs***


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#5 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 08:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would drop it unless they email you back.

 

I think just about everyone has done something like this, either IRL, email or online. Learn and grow from this.
 

Edited to add ***hugs***

Thank you for the advice and the hug!

I didn't send another email.

My daughter is there now.  I was already worried about her handling this long stressful day. Now I am really worried. - and sick to my stomach. 

This has definitely been a wake up call.  It is one thing if my comments/actions affect me negatively, but when it affects my children it is so much worse.

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#6 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 08:56 AM
 
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I've been in a sort of similar situation, only I didn't do it on accident. greensad.gif Quick version. Several years ago, my then 8yo daughter got into trouble with her new BFF. I grounded my daughter. BFF's mom got upset about that, because she felt that my decision punished *her* daughter, so she decided to stop my then 7yo son in the street (he was playing in front of our house) and tell him what an awful mother I am. So I screamed at her in the middle of the street, telling her to stay the censored.gif away from my children.

I regretted what I did. She was wrong, and I needed to do something about it, but I didn't need to scream curse words at her in the middle of the street. I lost my temper. So I went to her house with some roses from my garden and apologized. Unfortunately, that incident turned out to be representative of her personality; we will never be friends, and she has continued to harass my family and say horrible things to me and about me. Her husband is exactly the same, too. (And, unfortunately, they only live a few houses away.) But I'm glad I apologized, because that's about me policing my behavior. Since then, I have limited contact with them as much as possible, and I do my best to be calm when I have to deal with them. It's not always easy.

Sometimes other people will be jerks. Sometimes we will lose our tempers. But the important thing is to apologize, try to learn from it, and move on.

Michelle, wife to DH, and momma to DD16, DS15, DS12, DS10, DD9, DD7, DS5, and baby girl born Christmas Eve 2013!
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#7 of 15 Old 08-02-2013, 09:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 But I'm glad I apologized, because that's about me policing my behavior. Since then, I have limited contact with them as much as possible, and I do my best to be calm when I have to deal with them. It's not always easy.

Sometimes other people will be jerks. Sometimes we will lose our tempers. But the important thing is to apologize, try to learn from it, and move on.

This is so correct.  I am bothered that I did the wrong thing.

Typically I am not the type who speaks out in anger.  I say too much (like share too much information or ramble on and on) but I am not hateful and rarely engage in conflict.  In the past, my big mouth got me in 'trouble' by sharing too much info that ends up hurting me or my family or simply makes me look like an insecure rambling nut case.redface.gif

 

But this time I was angry with them and being nit-picky and petty. 

I keep trying to convince myself what I said wasn't so bad.  But it is magnified since we had a discussion/disagreement two days prior and I was not comfortable with that exchange.

This is what I said in the email that was supposed to go to my sister (attached to one of their emails).  I criticized their professionalism:

"I think the way they word their correspondence is rude (and I felt that before they embarrassed Maggie.)"

 

They kept telling me the kids need to be able to take their comments and how their comments build character.  Maybe they are really thick skinned and my email will not even phase them.

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#8 of 15 Old 08-03-2013, 08:57 PM
 
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I think the best way to handle it is to forgive yourself completely for your faults and mistakes (we all have faults and we all make mistakes) and move on. Start over. Wipe your past mistakes clean, understand that it is okay to say too much ecetera and that the hurt you feel from it is teaching you how to try to do it differently. B sure to not beat yourself up over your faults. Tell yourself good things about yourself! Read inspirational writers (I like Louise Hay and Iyanla Vanzant, both of whom post inspiration regularly on twitter!). Forgive yourself, open your life and heart to joy and love, and let love and joy flow in! Love yourself!!!!

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#9 of 15 Old 08-03-2013, 09:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think the best way to handle it is to forgive yourself completely for your faults and mistakes (we all have faults and we all make mistakes) and move on. Start over. Wipe your past mistakes clean, understand that it is okay to say too much ecetera and that the hurt you feel from it is teaching you how to try to do it differently. B sure to not beat yourself up over your faults. Tell yourself good things about yourself! Read inspirational writers (I like Louise Hay and Iyanla Vanzant, both of whom post inspiration regularly on twitter!). Forgive yourself, open your life and heart to joy and love, and let love and joy flow in! Love yourself!!!!

Thank you.

I need to work on this.  I have a very difficult time forgiving myself and am very good at beating myself up.  I will look up Louise Hay and Iyanla Vanzant.  For some reason I feel I need to move away to start over...and moving is not an option.

 

Last night my husband, children and I were discussing people we know who are so laid back, easy going, happy, not the type to dwell or worry excessively, etc. (My brother is one of those people.)  And I mentioned I would like to be more like that.  My daughter said "Mom you need to face your fears and then let them go...without doing that you can never be the way you want."  I thought that was pretty insightful for a 9yo!  She is able to let things go.  My son is just like me greensad.gif

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#10 of 15 Old 08-03-2013, 09:34 PM
 
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I have learned to let things go by thinking how we are all here alive for a limited time. And how there are so many truly bad people doing truly bad things. And hopefully you and I are not one of those people! so those two things alone are enough to inspire me to go easy on myself- like, well. Iam actually a good person trying to do good. So maybe you could just go really easy on yourself.

But actually another important factor is I think we have critical or non critical voices in our heads depending on what our parents and others etc told us about orselves when we were raised. If we were raised hearing that we are good and we are worthy and we can let things go, then it is easier to do that. If we were raised criticzed (because our parents themselves were also doing the best they could but hadn't evolved into their own self love yet) then we need to start putting those positive messgaes to ourselves in our minds ourselves. This is where inspirational people can help. I can offer other writers and thinkers and so forth if you  are interested. We can simplify our minds by not haggling with ourselves over our faults. But instead just wiping it clean like a chalkboard and saying, today is now and a new day and I will love myself and if I find my critical cassette tape turning on in my mind I will say to it- I don't want ot listen to that cassette tape telling me I am bad or whateer-.. So you can say to yourself-- I used to say too much and not be able to keep my mouth shut, but it is okay! I was just learning. The other day I ahd a big lesson and came to see that doing that makes me not happy! So now I am aware of that old pattern and I will try my best to practice restraint in areas where I used to say too much and see if it makes me happier.

 

:)

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#11 of 15 Old 08-03-2013, 09:52 PM
 
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:-)

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#12 of 15 Old 10-06-2013, 02:32 PM
 
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I have this problem on occasion.  I have taken to venting my feelings on paper, then tearing the paper up and throwing it away (that way no one gets hurt.  Then I can calm down a little and deal with it better.  I will say though, that after many years in Dance & Theatre, many coaches, instructors, directors can be very harsh with the criticism.  Most view it as trying to help you develop a thick skin, since you will need it if you plan on doing it professionally.  I do not think it is right (esp at your child's age), but it is something to be aware of if you want to continue.  If the goal is for the kids to have fun, it is usually a little more laid back, but if there are competitions and frequent ticketed performances, there will be more pressure on the kids.


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#13 of 15 Old 10-06-2013, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have this problem on occasion.  I have taken to venting my feelings on paper, then tearing the paper up and throwing it away (that way no one gets hurt.  Then I can calm down a little and deal with it better.  I will say though, that after many years in Dance & Theatre, many coaches, instructors, directors can be very harsh with the criticism.  Most view it as trying to help you develop a thick skin, since you will need it if you plan on doing it professionally.  I do not think it is right (esp at your child's age), but it is something to be aware of if you want to continue.  If the goal is for the kids to have fun, it is usually a little more laid back, but if there are competitions and frequent ticketed performances, there will be more pressure on the kids.

 

Good idea about venting on paper.  I typically vent to my husband but he was asleep the night I accidentally emailed the drama coaches.

 

You are right, when we spoke (before my email) they told me they need to prepare the children to handle rough comments and told me stories of all they went through when they performed on cruise ships.  They said their classes were for children who already know they want to be professional actors as adults.  My daughter isn't at that point.  She just wanted to learn about theater and was I happy (and surprised) she was able to even get on stage and perform.  She started classes at a different theater two weeks ago and loves it.  They are kind and laid back.  The first group put on a great production and I'm sure children who already know they want to be actors would benefit.  But it was pushing my daughter and my niece away from the theater.

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#14 of 15 Old 10-06-2013, 03:34 PM
 
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I'm not sure if my comment is going to be helpful or not but here goes...

When I was a kid I had wife/husband drama coaches. They were awful. All about humiliation, shaming, unhelpful criticism, etc. I will never forget the way they made me feel. When I think about it today, I still feel like a little kid on a stage feeling stupid.

Fast forward many years and I was working in Hollywood. Harsh, harsh environment. Lots of jerky men and women who think they can say whatever they want to you. I will tell you that I grew a thick skin, but it was NOT from any "practice" I got from those two coaches or anyone else trying to "teach me a lesson". It was from me believing in myself. It was from me loving myself enough to surround myself with supportive people and to not let those jerks get away with talking down to me. I look at folks who talk to kids that way and use the thick skin excuse and I honestly think it's just an excuse for them to be bullies to kids. Weak, weak minded people. I don't care if you are James Cameron I will tell you where to go if you talk crap to me. In fact, my husband walked off his set because he was such a jerk LOL!!

So, what is the purpose of this story? Well, what if you sent the email because you were "supposed" to send it? Maybe there was some part of you that just had to communicate that to them. Of course it's probably a lesson in being more careful, but in all honesty you are not the bad guy here. You are the one with enough compassion and awareness to know what they are doing is wrong. They are the ones who need to hear it. And if they can't swim with the sharks (like they want their students to) then they can just get the hell out of the ocean!!!

BIG hugs. <3
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#15 of 15 Old 10-06-2013, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure if my comment is going to be helpful or not but here goes...

When I was a kid I had wife/husband drama coaches. They were awful. All about humiliation, shaming, unhelpful criticism, etc. I will never forget the way they made me feel. When I think about it today, I still feel like a little kid on a stage feeling stupid.

Fast forward many years and I was working in Hollywood. Harsh, harsh environment. Lots of jerky men and women who think they can say whatever they want to you. I will tell you that I grew a thick skin, but it was NOT from any "practice" I got from those two coaches or anyone else trying to "teach me a lesson". It was from me believing in myself. It was from me loving myself enough to surround myself with supportive people and to not let those jerks get away with talking down to me. I look at folks who talk to kids that way and use the thick skin excuse and I honestly think it's just an excuse for them to be bullies to kids. Weak, weak minded people. I don't care if you are James Cameron I will tell you where to go if you talk crap to me. In fact, my husband walked off his set because he was such a jerk LOL!!

So, what is the purpose of this story? Well, what if you sent the email because you were "supposed" to send it? Maybe there was some part of you that just had to communicate that to them. Of course it's probably a lesson in being more careful, but in all honesty you are not the bad guy here. You are the one with enough compassion and awareness to know what they are doing is wrong. They are the ones who need to hear it. And if they can't swim with the sharks (like they want their students to) then they can just get the hell out of the ocean!!!

BIG hugs. <3

 

Daila,

I love your comment and it is very helpful!  (But I have still been more careful when making comments or sending emails.  Actually, it is part of my new 'positive attitude'.   I have been making changes in what I say and how I react in my life.  Which s/b an entirely new thread!  I am trying to be more positive and  less anxious and worried.  I realize how much my anxiety and negativity affected my children.)

 

I agree with you about creating thick skins.  My son, who is not in drama, is very sensitive.  I have been told by people since he was three that I need to have him get used to mean inappropriate comments to toughen him up.  My husband and I completely disagree. We think these young years are the time for the children to learn who they are, become strong, etc. so that as they get older and are exposed, little by little, to situations/personalities they will be able to handle them.  (Does that make sense?)

 

Thanks again...I like your take on the situation.

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