Hello moms and daddys... Here's my drama: My mother and I haven't spoken since February. I am having a hard time deciding how to handle it.
My mother and I have had a hard-time getting along since gradeschool. A main factor is her intense desire to control, and I definitly DON'T like being controlled. We have had many many heated fights, one that even got physical. She hit me with her purse and grabbed me around my neck, and I pushed her off into the counter. The cops were called, and she told them what I did while leaving her part out.
A couple years ago she cheated on my step-dad, ripped him off, and moved out. Since then things have gotten... weirder. Especially after getting together with my husband and having my daughter.
She doesn't like my husband, though he tried for a long time to be a good son-in-law and try to be friendly with her. He's since given up. I'm not sure what she has against him. She spread rumors that he beat me, which he NEVER has even come close to doing. When I got pregnant, she tried convincing me how bad he was and how I'd be happier without him, and tried to get me to move out of state and raise my baby with her. This, she said, was based on my being depressed. My depression was not a new thing, I have battled with it for close to 10 years. She told me about how after she had me, all the fun stopped. Ouch.
At the hospital, me and my husband decided we wanted to be the only ones in the delivery room for the birth of our daughter. I felt like having my mom there would be stressful. She was waiting in the waiting room, when my husband went out to see how the future grand-parents were doing, she told him with a straight face that he shouldn't be in the delivery room. Later she said it was a joke. Maybe I don't have a sense of humor, but... wtf?
I feel like I'm being long-winded, but I feel like a history is needed for the help I'm asking for.
With my daughter... She did things like doing something that scared the hell out of my little girl, made her cry, while my mom was laughing and kept doing it. She stole over 1000$ from my grandma's savings for me. Moved in with my grandma to "help her in old age" then proceeded to put her in a home a couple months later. But my came out of the situation with money and valuable electronics, etc. My grandma still pays my mom's bills, because she won't get a job.
The last straw was when we got into a fight, again. She was keeping the car my grandmother was giving to me. The title had gotten switched into my mom's name, because it happened out of town and I wasn't there, so my grandma intended for me and my mom to change it when she got back, which I was told wasn't going to happen. We got into it, and our relationship came under fire. Then I was told how I'm crazy and manipulative (the very thing I feel about her), how I'm to blame for our shaky relationship because of "all the drugs." From about 16 to 20 I was very into drugs, something I struggled with and finally quit when I got pregnant. I had opened up to her about it previously, searching for some sort of help or support. It really hurt to have it thrown in my face like that. I guess I lost the small sense of trust I had in her that day, knowing that I can't be personal with her for fear that it will be used against me.
I haven't seen her since. She sends me Facebook messages, strange ones because the tone and content is like nothing ever happened. Since the last fight, she has tried to ruin my step-dad's new marriage, and spread more rumors about me. Mainly that the whole reason I'm not talking to her is because of the car, completely ignoring the reasons I gave her about the way she had treated me and my family.
So now... I don't feel sad about not having her around. I feel guilty, because she gave birth to me and I'm her only child. I don't know what to do now! I don't feel emotionally safe and I don't feel save having my daughter around her. Any perspectives?
I can't spend long replying now but read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She sounds like someone with that disorder for sure.
Do you have any reason to think things will change and she will be a stable, supportive person?
Sounds like not.
She has not earned your trust, and therefore doesn't deserve it.
The guilt is tricky. You can send her pictures of your family if she can handle it. Otherwise it's a matter of remembering you're not being selfish. You're putting your family first. They deserve a peaceful environment too.
There are 2 books I can recommend:
1. Toxic Parents
2. In sheep's clothing
Sometimes, letting go of a relative who's is abusive and passive aggressive is hard, esp. if it's a blood relative, but we do need to do it for our own good and personal growth!
Basic courtesy is given to everybody, but respect has to be earned! This person hasn't earned or deserve your respect or your time anymore.
nerdy mom to DD1 7yo, D2 infant
Yes! Another vote for Toxic Parents! http://www.powells.com/biblio/9780307575326
Keep her away from yourself and your family. Block her from FB. Block her number from your phone(s). Block her email address. If you move, don't tell her where you live; use a PO box or drop box if you send her anything. As for the guilt, if it's overwhelming to think of never having anything to do with her, then avoid her just one day at a time. Be kind to yourself . . . the guilt you feel, the pity if any, is not a function of her merit but of yours. Get her voice out of your head, baby yourself, and keep your distance from her. Let treating yourself and your family differently heal you.
Yeah, it's OK to cut ties. I ran away from my parents, and the guilt and sadness is overwhelming sometimes. But they are seriously mentally ill and abusive, and I have the right to protect myself and my kids. After lots of deep thought, I realized my parents don't even want a meaningful emotional relationship with me. They just want someone they can get away with abusing. What do you think your mom wants out of you? Does she want you to be your genuine self? Be happy? Reach your highest point of success and accomplishment? Does she want to listen when you want to talk about things that are important to you? Does she support your autonomy? No? Then the relationship is all about her. She wants to set you up like an extension of her self. Play with you like a Barbie doll she can make walk and talk and do what she likes. Think about the lies she tells about you. She's pretending that you are a character she can invent. My exMIL used to do that--tell people I said stupid things I didn't say--she probably still does.