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#31 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If your son has questions, perhaps that is due to the fact that you have several degrees of open adoption in your family, and that is discussed often?

BM *is* in fact a surrogate in my view. That's my story. Your kids have different stories. The fact that most adoptions are open now does not mean that this option is right for everyone. I'm so thankful mine was closed. Incredibly so.

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#32 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:52 AM
 
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I'm not hostile... Or adamant... Except for the fact that my feelings have been repeatedly questioned by one person. If you can't relate to my point of view, that's fine. But the relentless questioning and re-questioning is kind of unwelcome, I have to say.

 

Sorry its the nature of discussion boards. to..yknow...discuss. I guess i should have stuck with a benign "Awesome! thanks for sharing!!! woohoo!!" but it seems rather shallow. 


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#33 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:59 AM
 
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If your son has questions, perhaps that is due to the fact that you have several degrees of open adoption in your family, and that is discussed often?

BM *is* in fact a surrogate in my view. That's my story. Your kids have different stories. The fact that most adoptions are open now does not mean that this option is right for everyone. I'm so thankful mine was closed. Incredibly so.

 

My son knows he has a birthmother because he knows he is adopted. I've told him all the info i know about his birthmother (which mostly consists of her name) and we occasionally have conversations about her, which usually involves him asking to see her and me saying i dont know where she lives. One time on this board a poster accused some of us mothers of influencing our children's view of birthfamily, that if they were sad or missed their birthmom or wanted contact that it MUST be because we made it so. That a child removed at birth couldnt possibly have those feelings on their own. But that is not what i've seen my adopted children. They were placed at 3 weeks old and at 16 months (16 month old had visits at agency with bparents until age 2 when rights were terminated) and my daughter placed with me at age 8 shortly after TPR. None have contact with birthfamily. All have varying degrees of missing and wondering about bfamily, which has been different throughout the years (middle son went through a period where he was kind of obsessing about missing his "black daddy" and asking about him all day every day, now he hardly mentions him. older adopted son didnt mention birthfamily for like three or four years then started expressing curiosity and sadness. Daughter, who lived with her bmom for quite a number of years when she wasnt in foster care obviously has a more complicated relationship and probably thinks of her bmom as her "real mom" in a way that the other two do not. 

 

I never said open adoption was right for everyone. 


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#34 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Right- so you have one child who knows her BM and thinks of her and I'm sure talks about her. You don't think that influences the other children?

Three weeks in your son's case is much different than zero days in my case.

In my view, this was another way for me to get to my REAL mom. My real family. Surrogacy is a description that I really like.

I honestly wrote that I have no feelings and no desire to know these people. Asking the question once is discussing. Hammering me over and over with basically the same question because you can't seem to believe that I actually feel the way that I do- these people are strangers and not my family- that's not discussion. That's badgering because my view obviously does not sit well with you for some reason.
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#35 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 12:52 PM
 
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I dont see any badgering here. If you post on a discussion board, people will ask questions. Especially if they cant wrap their head around it.


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#36 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 12:58 PM
 
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I just want to thank the original poster.  What I got from her first post was that there seems to be a lack of positive stories from adoptees on the web and she wanted to balance that by posting here.  I, too, would love to hear more positive stories from adoptees . . . but I can be happy to think that the reason why we don't see/hear these stories on the web might be due to this:  not all adoptees choose to tell the world that they're adopted.  My daughter probably would not choose to create a blog or make posts just to express her happiness that I am her mom and that she's okay with her birth mom being known but not being a parent.

 

I can understand the desire to just have one family, not an extended family of bio and adopted relations.  I don't have time to share our story of open adoption from within the family.  But I see our adopted daughter struggle with other people's perceptions - especially when school friends start asking her questions about her "real" mom.  They mean her bio mom when they use the word "real", but she considers me her real mom and it hurts her to have friends not understand.  Sometimes she has to deal with friends of her bio parents talking with her at parties about how they remember her as a little baby. (this has happened when we were not with her)  She seems to feel invaded by their assumption of familiarity.  They are truly strangers to her yet they are talking with her as if she had grown up knowing them.  These are just friends of her bio parents.  I'm sure her feelings of being invaded would be much much stronger if there was a closed adoption and her bio parents started making contact with all those assumptions of familiarity.

 

I can also sympathize with the desire to talk about such experiences with other adoptees who are happy with their family life, rather than with those who are unhappy and striving to connect with their bio family.

 

Hope this makes sense. . . . fuzzy brain these days with a newborn.

 

happy friday to you all!

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#37 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 01:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OrmEmbar,

 

Thank you SO much.  Yes.  This is just how I feel.

 

And frankly, if I have answered the same question in one thread more than once, yet the question continues to be asked, then yeah.  It's badgering.  This is my experience, and I've been completely honest.  If someone else can't understand, that's their issue, not mine.  


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#38 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 05:47 PM
 
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Moving thread to Personal Growth where most of the adult adoptee threads are hosted.


 
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#39 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 08:00 PM
 
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Right- so you have one child who knows her BM and thinks of her and I'm sure talks about her. You don't think that influences the other children?

Three weeks in your son's case is much different than zero days in my case.
 

 

In the interest of clarity....my daughter doesnt really speak of her bmom around the other children, she doesnt talk too much about her but when she does its usually just the two of us. 

 

My son who was placed with me at age 3 weeks was never with his birthmother (beyond the time she had him after giving birth)....he was in the hospital for two weeks (without bmom) and then in another foster home for six days. Do you mean its "much different" in terms of....well in terms of what? im not sure what you mean? In terms of him bonding with bmom? he was never with birthmom. In terms of OUR bond? it couldnt be stronger even if he was born to me. 


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#40 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 08:43 PM
 
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Interesting thread. I am not adopted, nor is anybody close to me. But I think I can relate to not wanting to know one's birth-family. I don't think it's necessarily hostility. It's just neutrality. There are lots of members of my own extended family who live far away and who I've never had contact with. I don't feel a lack of that relationship in my life because I don't know what I'm missing. I don't feel duty-bound to establish and maintain contact with, say, my dad's cousins. Our lives do not overlap at all and I am okay with that. It is not a slight on them as I am sure they are perfectly fine people, but I don't think just being related is enough to make me want to keep that contact. I know it's not perfectly analogous, but I think that feeling "okay, I am related to this person genetically but not knowing them does not feel like a void in my life" makes sense. 

 

My Facebook is not very limited. I try to keep it to people who I actually have some sort of contact with, but I do have some random distant relatives on there and they do feel like strangers, and it's a little weird. I kind of figure Facebook isn't really all that private anyway, but still. 

 

And I definitely think that the negative side of adoption shows up online, for the reason noted in the original post--people who are content are unlikely to be searching for answers, writing blogs, etc. 

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#41 of 60 Old 08-26-2013, 12:50 PM
 
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mom0810,

The title of your thread grabbed my attention and I wanted to speak up in support. I'm an international adoptee so I don't know how much I would be able to find if I ever were to go look. Growing up I had a lot of anger towards biomom and over the years my feelings about being adopted have changed. Now I feel sorry for her that she felt that that was her only option and the only reason I would ever attempt to contact her would be to let her know I turned out okay. I would feel completely weirded out if she contacted me in the way your bio family reached out to you. I would feel like they are overstepping their boundaries, sharing DNA is doesn't give you a right to leave and barge in whenever is convenient.

I feel the same about there not being room for another relationship, I just can't picture how it would work, would we send each other christmas cards? I don't want to know her or her reason(s) and maybe that's some remaining anger or resentment but that's what I feel is best for me right now.


dakipode and mom0810, I just want to send some big hugs your way hug2.gif Your adoptive parents are absolutely your real parents and you have every right in the world to set boundaries especially about who you have contact with. I definitely hear some remaining anger and resentment in your post, dakipode. I hope that it continues to get better but it may never truly be all the way gone.

 

I am a bio-mom. I love my bio-daughter very much and she was placed in an open adoption at birth. Both her parents were present for the birth and I asked her mom to cut the umbilical cord as I felt that this was a lovely form of symbolism - transferring from one mother to another. I nurtured her in my body, taking extra care to make sure I did everything I could to give her a healthy outcome. I was quite young, poor and my husband had left me just three months into the pregnancy. I felt that the only way to give this beautiful child the best life possible was to place her with people who had the means to provide for her in a way I could only dream about at the time. Unfortunately her parents closed the adoption as soon as it was final and I have never seen her again. Bio-daughter's aunt (bio-daughter's mom's sister) has remained in contact with me. I email with her about once a year for updates and pictures. I have provided all my contact information so that if bio-daughter would like to meet me or her 5, soon to be 6, siblings she can do so without having to look very hard. My children have all grown up knowing about the adoption placement. I hope that bio-daughter will be happy and well adjusted with no major baggage surrounding the placement. If she wants to contact me to tell me that she turned out alright, I will be thrilled. If she never wants to contact me, I will understand. I am also open to various degrees of contact.

 

mom0810 Maybe you could start a website that collects stories from happy adoptees? 

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#42 of 60 Old 08-26-2013, 02:17 PM
 
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I agree that it would be nice to have a website for adoptees who are happy. I've also seen that most people who openly talk about adoption talk about it very negatively. While it's good that they have a place to talk about their negative experiences, I'm sure it must be difficult for you not to be able to talk to people who share the same experiences you do. I'm glad that you've been able to find some people here who feel the same way, and also that you're getting your viewpoint out so that adoptive parents and people who are thinking about giving a child up for adoption can see that adoptees can be happy, and so that other adoptees know that it's valid to not want to get in touch with their birth family.

 

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I think if you can have your bio mom in your life, then that's great.  For me, I could never do that and I have no desire to include her in my life.  It crosses a line for me.  I have a mom and dad.  Just like any other person- I have one mom and one dad.  And I have zero desire to know any bio relatives.  

 

It's totally legitimate to feel this way, I just want to point out how inaccurate "Just like any other person- I have one mom and one dad" is.

 

There are people who only have one parent or don't have any parents. There are people whose mom and dad are biologically their aunt and uncle. There are people who have two mothers or two fathers. There are people with two mothers AND two fathers or three mothers and a father or any combination thereof. You're, inadvertently I'm sure, erasing all of those people by suggesting that "any other person" has "one mom and one dad".

 

Throughout the thread, you unfortunately do come off as suggesting that your way is the right way, by saying things like "just like any other person" when making a statement that doesn't apply to so many people. A similar thing happened with your comment about "she can't have it both ways"- it came off as incredibly unsympathetic to people who are coerced into cutting ties with a child they desperately want to keep (there are actually organizations that bully unwed people into giving the child up for adoption, if a teen is pregnant their parents may force them to give the child up, there have been instances of a person agreeing to an open adoption only for the adoptive parents to close it afterwards as happened to a poster in this very thread, etc).

 

My MIL was forced to give up her first child by her parents, she did not choose to give up the baby and did not want to. She got in touch with the adoptive parents later, and keep in touch with them about the son's life. He has no interest in having direct contact with her (suggesting that he's quite happy with his adoption as well), but he's comfortable with her talking to his parents. Even though she never wanted to give him up, she is still able to accept his boundaries while also being able to know he's okay.

 

I'm very sorry that your birth parents have such disrespect for your boundaries. Even if they had raised you- forcing contact that you told them was unwanted and making you uncomfortable is not acceptable. It's wonderful that you feel so happy about being adopted. It would

 

I have not seen anyone in this thread tell you that you aren't allowed to feel the way you do. People have repeatedly made it clear that you are allowed to not want your birth parents in your life. Some people have expressed curiosity about why. But most of the disagreements I have seen are because your choice of wording quite unfortunately does come off as erasing different family structures or as unsympathetic people who give up children for adoption, even though I'm sure this is not what you meant for it to do.

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#43 of 60 Old 08-31-2013, 01:20 PM
 
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mom0810,

Thank you for sharing. I have long felt that the vocal voices of angry adoptees only represent a segment of the adoptee population and that there are others who are very happy with their adoption while the majority are probably more likely in the middle area with feelings of both contentedness with their lives as adoptees but some sadness about the loss of their bio family. I don't want to trivialize those who have deep feelings of loss but for those who don't I suspect the feelings are similar to nonadoptees who grew up in single-parent households and never knew the other parent but have no interest in finding their other parent. Everyone experiences these situations differently. Adoptees are not a monolith.

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#44 of 60 Old 09-15-2013, 08:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It's totally legitimate to feel this way, I just want to point out how inaccurate "Just like any other person- I have one mom and one dad" is.

 

Silly Sapling, you are so right and I apologize.  My point was to draw a comparison between myself and a child who was born into a family biologically.  I didn't account for differences in how families are made- my oversight.  Thanks for pointing it out.  

 

Marsupial Mom, I think you are correct- it is those who are unhappy with something that are most likely to shout the loudest about it- I am truly happy and don't have any issues surrounding my adoption.  The only thing I was curious about was health and genetics.  I have those answers, and now I'm good.  :)  I wish there were more people online talking about their happy experiences with adoption, but my guess is that they are happy and don't think about it too often (as was the case with me prior to contact from the birth family) and don't feel the need to post about it.  :)  

 

I'm happy that I have been able to share my story and my thoughts- it's been what I consider ideal as far as my experience with adoption. 


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#45 of 60 Old 09-24-2013, 09:17 AM
 
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mom0810, thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm glad you're so happy with your situation -- it sounds like you have a wonderful family!

I'm not adopted, but I've been estranged from my father for 30 years (since age 8), and I can completely identify with your posts about having no desire for contact. My father sent me a Facebook friend request last year, and I just ignored it. He wasn't abusive or dangerous, I just ... don't know him, and am fine with keeping it that way. Someone upthread said that your birth parents wouldn't be strangers if you got to know them, and while that's of course true, it's true about anybody and carries zero obligation to begin a relationship.
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#46 of 60 Old 09-24-2013, 11:54 PM
 
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Mom0810 - thank you for posting your story!

I am also a Happy Adoptee!!!! I tried to write some stuff a couple weeks ago but it wasn't coming out how I wanted.

I am probably more in the middle, where I'm content with where I am. I was never resentful of being adopted although I sure did have trials and issues with my parents growing up however it never impacted my feeling ok with my adoption as I knew so many other had issues with their biological families.

At times I have been curious about my biological family, usually at times when family tree or biological heritage/culture came into play. There have been times when I have desparetly wanted to have already made contact (weeks before my wedding I felt sad and emotional that I couldn't share my joy and show them that I had turned out alright wink1.gif ) and other times when I only desire medical info and basic knowledge.

Some of this was relieved a couple years ago when I finally asked for the limited bio parents profile that the province had given my parents.

I'm not actively looking although every couple years I'll google important info for a couple hours to see if they are, and I wouldn't say and outright "no!" if I was contacted by our province's adoption information laiasion, but I don't know how much contact I would be willing to have. It would have to be S.L.O.W. and I would need to feel in control, I'd probably also need to see a therapist or someone I could talk to through the process. I don't believe for me minute that meeting your biological family is all about unicorns and fairies. And I have seen (with a sibling) what happens when you are not ready to deal with the unique set of consequences of and adoptee meeting their biological family full on without a proper support system in place.

My parents are my parents. My biological parents made a choice to give me to my parents, they are the ones who have nursed me back to health, taken me to the ER at 3am and cried while I cried through IV's and labour pains. They've dealt with the stuff I've put them through and they've shaped who I am with the stuff they've put me through.

So many people over the years have asked me so many questions (usually after they've gotten over the shock of finding out I'm adopted - I/we have *never* kept it secret but it's not like I wear a flashing "adopted" shirt either, if it comes up then it comes up, I always just assume I've told people about it until I realize otherwise) and often just don't get how I could not want to know. All the adoptees I know (yes I know a few) are cool with it, they are happy and could care less. It's the people who have never been adopted (including adoptive parents) that don't get how we are so calm and cool about it. To me it always feels like non-adoptees are the ones more affected by my not caring/wanting t know about my biological family then I am.

I do think the net needs more positive stories, truthfully I had never heard stories good or bad until I came to mothering and realized that there were people who thought adoption was a horrible thing. Has adoption shaped me? Certainly! Does it define me? Nope. It's just not a "thing" to me.

One day I may search out my biological family, (I have my husband's full support and my parents and both have offered to support me financially if I want to search as well as emotionally and both have also said it's my choice and they will stay out of it completely either way if that's what I want too) but for now it's not in my immediate future. I have enough going on without adding an unknown amount of more to my plate. And I'm happy that I get to have the choice to decide and it's mine smile.gif
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#47 of 60 Old 09-25-2013, 12:10 AM
 
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^ oh and I am most likely going to have to come back and edit parts of that, it's late and I'm on my phone and my thoughts feel scattered.

I did want to add something...

I am happy mine was a closed adoption. There are times in my childhood/teen hood where I feel that if it was an open adoption that it would have been *harder* for me to deal with something's and fights with my parents. I know open adoption is more normal now but I personally don't see good things with it, maybe if a child adoptee has had a lot of contact with their biological parents, but for the most part I don't feel comfortable with it. I do respect it and I know it works in many cases, I'm not saying it doesn't. But closed adoption works too.

I think the biggest thing lacking in most closed adoptions is a full medical report of both sides of each family. I would also love to have it available through the state/province and without having to make contact.

My husband and I have strongly considered adoption through the ministry/province in the future and openness is something I'm not super comfortable with. I a not saying this to start a debate, in fact if anyone wants to start a discussion about openness vs closed adoptions then please do it in the adoption forum. But in response to some of the things said I feel like it's something that as an adoptee that I do feel was important and has been something I have thought about in respect to my experience and personal feelings.
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#48 of 60 Old 10-03-2013, 09:19 PM
 
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This may be a completely different situation. I was adopted at age 15, and it wasn't through foster care.

My mother died when I was 3 and my sister was 12. I'm pretty sure my father never wanted children, and he definitely wasn't equipped with the knowledge to handle them. He was never physically abusive to me, but he was emotionally abusive, and in general just a jerk. He was also negligent and even though he was upper middle class and had the means to provide me with a more than just OK life, I was lucky to get lunch at school and a set of uniforms. I basically lived with my grandmother from the time my mother died until I was old enough to start school. Once school started and he became aware of the fact that if I didn't go to school, he could get charged with truancy; he basically had this policy where I was to be at his home by 8 PM on any school night and I was to leave and go somewhere else as soon as school was out for the weekend, or during holidays. Instead of paying for a sitter or childcare (which he could definitely afford) I was left outside of the school door at the age of 7 for the hour until school opened up, even in the winter, and even though my school had a before-school program for a nominal fee. I stayed entire summer breaks with family members and friends without me or them ever once hearing from my dad. When I was home, I was ignored and left to figure things out for myself. (No homework help or parental advice here). He couldn't tell you what my middle name is, how old I was, or even what school or grade I was in. Aside from the mandatory shots that you had to get in Kindergarten and 5th grade, I didn't see a doctor. As a child, I had difficulty with my hearing, breathing, gastrointestinal issues, and chronic pain starting at the age of 11. He would say I was making it all up.

Anyway, about a week before my sophomore year of high school, he called my sister up (which was very odd because nobody ever heard from him when I was gone) and told her that she would have to find another place for me to live because within 24 hours because if she didn't he was going to turn me over to the state. I was not one of those children that was beyond control or anything like that. I got detention once in middle school (which he actually refused to let me go to because he was not about to have to actually drive to school and pick me up. That's what school buses were for.) I got straight A's, except for one class, ever, and it was math. I needed tutoring, but he wouldn't get it for me. He simply had no more desire to be a parent.

Luckily, a family member decided to take me in. She went through the adoption process and it was completed about a month into my sophomore year. She got me insurance and took me to the doctor. I had asthma that required two medications to properly maintain, a stomach disorder that required a medication that would prevent me from vomiting numerous times a day (something which I had been doing for about 5 years, uncontrollably) and I had degeneration in my spinal discs as well as spondylothesis, a condition that still causes me major pain today. This family member lived off of social security checks, and yet she ensured that I got to do things that normal kids got to do like be in school sponsored activities, own clothing other than just school uniforms, attend awards ceremonies when I earned an award, have friends over to the house. Simple things that kids should get to do, but I never got to do in my father's house.

When I got adopted, I was very angry with my father. NOT because he signed away his rights, but because he didn't do it sooner. I had literally been begging him to do it since I was about 10 years old and learned that some people weren't raised by their parents. My life improved so much once he terminated his rights. I've talked to him a few times here or there in the past 9 years (that's how long it has been since he made this decision), but I haven't talked to him in two years this December. Every time I go out there he basically says to me, "Well, I see that you're still fat and poor. Let me know when you decide to do something with your life." (In spite of the fact that I am working and going to school full-time and have an amazing GPA and many other things going for my life.) I've just decided that it's not worth letting my dad rent space in my head. The only reason I've even tried to have a relationship with him since then is because people keep telling me that I'll regret it if I don't. (He's been really sick and has had about 20 heart attacks in the last few years. Now he has beginning stages of Alzheimer's.) For the first time in two years, I sent him a letter telling him how we are doing. It's been about two months and even though I know he has read it (he told my sister) he has made no effort to contact me. Secretly, I'm glad. I really don't want to have a relationship with him. He is oblivious that what he did most of my life is crappy. I just did it because I'm "supposed to". I think had I stayed with my father, I would have been a completely different person than I am now, and it wouldn't be in a good way.


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#49 of 60 Old 10-03-2013, 09:31 PM
 
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Unfortunately we did not get my son so young. He was 14 and we have had our fair share of trauma with him but we love him more than anything and he has not always been a happy adoptee.

However it concerns me that you almost appear to be hostile towards your bio family. You say you don't love them, which is fine, but they did the most wonderful act of love by placing you. You wouldn't be where you are without them.

I am so very happy that my father terminated his rights. However, in my case it wasn't love that made him do that decision. For 12 years he was a terrible father who just "kept" me to keep up appearances. He finally TPR'd simply because he didn't want to be a father. He had the resources available to be a good father, if he had wished to. He just never wished to. My biggest regret with my adoption is that he didn't do it sooner. He could have saved us both a lot of heartache and provided me with many more opportunities. Had he done it when I was 3, right after my mother died and he knew he didn't want to parent, I would have considered it an act of love.

 

Granted, I know that for most parents, it is an act of love. I am a birth mother who had two children and was in very poor shape financially and physically when I became a parent for the third time. I found an amazing family that I loved that had already become parents to a family friend of mine. They are truly the most amazing people I can dream of to parent my son, and I love the fact that they have now basically become a part of my family, my only wish is that they lived closer. We did the entire adoption privately. I knew of them through a friend, she made contact with them, they called me one day and from the first time I spoke to them, I knew I wanted my son to be in their lives.


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#50 of 60 Old 10-13-2013, 08:06 PM
 
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I am 36 & adopted & happy. If I could just peek & see if anyone made it easy to find them, I would, but I would not go.searching. I'm not missing anything & I don't need to invite trouble, even just emotional for me. Or people who gave their baby to a Christian adoption agency upset to meet an American Muslim who married an African Muslim&has 4
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#51 of 60 Old 10-13-2013, 08:08 PM
 
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kids being raised Muslim...I just done need drama. <3

lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#52 of 60 Old 10-13-2013, 08:08 PM
 
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don't. Mobile issues.

lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#53 of 60 Old 10-29-2013, 06:23 PM
 
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One can be "happy" while still being curious about their biological family, or experiencing loss as well.

 

The internet boards attract extremists--or people finding their community when they may be motivated to at the height of their pain.  This is no more indicative of someone's adjustment or general happiness on the whole spectrum of things than someone being open about/during their time of postpartum depression sums up the entire mothering experience for that person forevermore.

 

It is kind of tiresome, the implication that if one has any kind of mixed-to-negative feelings about adoption that they must be an "angry adoptee" or somehow anti-adoption.  I'm glad that you have had a totally positive experience and have never had any sadness or uncomfortable feelings related to your adoption.  But just like the people who have had 100 percent negative experiences, I'm going to guess you're in the minority.  Most people will have different feelings over time, and probably not 100 percent either way.  YMMV.

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#54 of 60 Old 10-30-2013, 08:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure I'm in the minority... I think perhaps the minority online... but not in real life.  I've never met a person who was adopted in real life that wasn't completely happy about it.  Seriously.  Maybe the internet reflects a population that is unhappy because the unhappy people come to the internet to talk about their feelings?  I would think that is logical.  

 

Anyway... all I can speak for is myself, and I'm completely happy with my situation.  :)


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#55 of 60 Old 10-31-2013, 09:29 AM
 
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I've got two internationally adopted kids, who are now in their teens.  We have been active in a couple of adoption support groups over the years, and I know a ton of people who have been adopted, adults and kids.

 

I do think there is a spectrum of reactions to adoption.  There are the very vocal, anti-adoption, primal wound types. I haven't encountered anyone like that in real life, but when I first was researching adoption and came across them on the net, it was an eye opener.  In many cases though, these folks had pretty bad adoptive parents and they should have been better protected.  That's not true for all of them, but it seems to be true for a lot of them.

 

I'm on a different board that's not adoption related, but is somewhat mothering related, where anti-adoption sentiment runs pretty high.  These people tend to think that all adoptions are coercive and that no matter how young, how uneducated, how poor, how drug addicted, how whatever, it's far better that the woman (usually a teen) keep the child, and that it is the obligation of the teen's family to essentially raise the child.  Having encountered a whole lot of kids raised in that situation, that's not a sentiment I can get behind.  I think in some situations it works just fine, but in many situations the child would be far, far better off to be placed for adoption with a stable family that is prepared and eager to raise a child and let the teenager be given time to grow up herself.

 

My own two kids have very different personalities and view adoption differently. On the whole, both are happy, successful kids. One is going through a teenage drama phase, and she thinks all her problems (minor adolescent stuff) would be solved if she was with her birth family.  Both of my kids had been abandoned a year before we adopted them, so even if we hadn't adopted her, she wouldn't be with her birth family, but on some days she still blames us, because, well, with teenaged logic she can.  The other one has told me on many occasions that she really doesn't think much about her birth family, and she really couldn't care less about them.  She has a much more easy going personality than  her sister and is sunny pretty much all the time.  I do think though that she would like to know something about them if she were given that opportunity.

 

We've always been very open about their adoptions and encourage them to talk about it.  If we could have had an open adoption, I would be all for that.  I think about their birth families and sometimes wish there was a way to communicate with them.  I'd love to be able to tell them that their daughter is a talented classical musician or send prom pictures or let them know their child made the honor role again.  And I think it would be good for my kids to be in some kind of contact to whatever level they were comfortable with having. I don't find the idea threatening at all.

 

Mom0810, you are entitled to feel what you feel.  My guess is that most adopted people are reasonably happy with their situations, but that some have curiosity about their birth families.  I think that's natural and I don't think it's a bad thing.  Life is complicated and things are seldom black and white.  I agree completely that the "wounded" adoptees are in the minority, but they are very vocal, but there is a lot of anti-adoption sentiment out there even among people who aren't involved in adoption at all.  I'm very happy that things worked out beautifully for you.  I don't think it was wrong for your birth family to contact you, but it certainly was wrong for them to try to push themselves on you like that.  Thanks for this thread--it's interesting discussion.

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#56 of 60 Old 10-31-2013, 10:17 AM
 
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I'm on a different board that's not adoption related, but is somewhat mothering related, where anti-adoption sentiment runs pretty high.  These people tend to think that all adoptions are coercive and that no matter how young, how uneducated, how poor, how drug addicted, how whatever, it's far better that the woman (usually a teen) keep the child, and that it is the obligation of the teen's family to essentially raise the child.  Having encountered a whole lot of kids raised in that situation, that's not a sentiment I can get behind.  I think in some situations it works just fine, but in many situations the child would be far, far better off to be placed for adoption with a stable family that is prepared and eager to raise a child and let the teenager be given time to grow up herself.

I hate it when I hear that every adoption is coercive, etc. There are definitely agencies like that. Mine was anything but that. I decided that based on numerous circumstances I was not able to parent another child. Through a friend, I heard about an amazing family that was looking to adopt. I told her to pass on my information. The next day, I was called by that family and talked over the entire situation, our expectations, etc. Then she found an attorney that handled adoptions in the state and HE got an agency involved. I called the shots throughout the whole process. I never felt pressured to do anything. During pregnancy, I made decisions such as not to be induced, to have a natural birth, etc. without any pressure from the family or agency to do things a certain way. I even made all decisions in the hospital until I did the TPR signing 48 hours later. I was told in the beginning that I couldn't do the paperwork for 48 hours and to just let someone know when I was ready, nobody was hovering over me waiting for a signature. My son roomed in with me the first day and then a combination of me and the family the rest of the time. Sometimes, I would defer the decision to the adoptive parents (What formula would you like us to use?) and sometimes I made the call right away (Hey, this issue is happening right now, what do you want us to do?), but I was always approached first. On principle, I was able to decline circumcision for my son (even though I knew they probably would do it later) and delay vaccination in the hospital. 


Single mama to DS8 and DD4. Feminist. Queer. Atheist. Poly. Full-time poli sci and econ student.
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#57 of 60 Old 11-05-2013, 09:47 AM
 
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One of my close friends had a baby in High School. She was 17 and somehow kept the pregnancy a secret fro her mother the whole time. She tried keeping the baby at a friend's house for about a month, but the friend had other kids, as well as her own baby and couldn't raise my friend's baby all night every night. This girl's mother found out (when the hospital bill came to her home) and  told my friend she was not allowed to "bring that thing" home. She had nowhere to turn she wanted the baby but had nowhere to go and no one to help her. She had a psychotic break at the home of the woman who had been taking care of and keeping her baby at night when she realized her options were severely limited, ambulances were called, she was sedated and the baby was taken (actually ripped out of her arms, screaming from what she remembers) by DCFS. The child was given away via closed adoption, she doesn't even remember signing any papers. My friend was told later she and the birth father (who came out a few years later, he said "making the baby was a way to try to prove to myself I was a man." I support people coming out, but Jeez.) could leave letters for the baby to read when the child turned 18. As the child's 18th birthday approached (we had kept in loose touch with both parents over the years, they were, of course, no longer together) they both anxiously awaited contact from the child.

 

Finally, on the child's 18th birthday they were allowed to contact the child.

 

They were basically told, "Get the hell out of my life. You didn't care enough to keep me. I want nothing to do with you, either of you." She returned the letters her parents had written her when they were 17 and 18 and the small amount of jewelry included in the safety deposit box that were given to her as a gift from her birth parents.  They were both crushed, the birth father went into a major depression and had to be hospitalized and medicated, the birth mother literally ran away her husband in a way of dealing with her own depression and rejection and not knowing how to handle it.

 

It was a HUGE mess. My friend wished every day she could have kept the baby. She used to buy baby clothes every time we went out after the baby was gone and I was so worried about her. She married a man she didn't really love only a few months after the baby was gone. (She was barely 18 years old.)  She did have more children as soon as possible, but she always loved that baby. It appeared that the adoptive parents had done some "creative rewriting" of our friends' story so the child wanted nothing to do with her birth parents. They didn't want to hang around with the child, if the child didn't want, but they wanted to meet her. They never have been allowed to.

 

My step sister and brother were adopted, but I deleted the details of their stories. My sister's story (rest her soul) is so tragic.

 

I have very mixed feelings about adoption. I do feel some children never feel they fit in although some do well,  but I think it's often brutal for the birth parents, especially the birth mother. I have had several friends who gave up babies when they were young. As adults not a single one of them felt it was a good decision.

 

I'm older and the friends and relatives I have who were adopted all had closed adoptions. Finding birth parents if you were born in the 50s, 60s or 70s was very difficult, especially if the adoption went through the Catholic Church. (Which my brother and sister's adoptions did.) I've seen a few who acclimated well, a few who were NEVER told they were adopted (that was big from the turn of the 20th century through the 70s) and found out by accident, causing a huge rift with their adoptive parents,  and some who have always felt loss.

 

I know the parents who have given up children feel loss every day. I just know what I have seen. I know that because they have told me about their pain.  I've seen Primal Wounds in action in both my close friend and my sister. Perhaps not everyone experiences it, but some do. My brother appears not to really care one way or the other. He never searched out his parents, and has no desire to. My sister did, and was rejected by her birth mother, and her story is a tragedy. She cut and burned herself for years, abused alcohol and drugs and died of a heroin and cocaine overdose 14 years ago. I miss her every day. She always felt loss. I can't explain it.

 

I'm glad the OP is happy with her situation. But, other adoptees and birth parents have had really different situations. I think their stories also have to be respected, also. I don't think it is always a perfect system, especially what I have seen of closed, sealed adoptions. I know some do well, I do know it is often harder on the birth parents, as they were often pushed into the adoption and almost always regret it, at least the ones I know.


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#58 of 60 Old 11-07-2013, 06:52 PM
 
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My best friend's younger sister got pregnant while we were in high school and like the pp, managed to keep it secret from her parents. It was so weird. She was 8 months along and everyone else knew but mom and dad who were in denial. She decided to keep the child after getting 'help' from her church, which dried up pretty quickly after the birth.

It was a horror show. She married the father, who got jailed for multiple rapes of various women. She was unequipped to parent and screwed up a whole lot. She ended up dying young after getting into drugs. My friend ended up stuck raising the child.The child had innumerable problems.

I don't know for sure that adoption would have been a perfect outcome, but being raised by a mother who was ill equipped to parent was a dismal failure.
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#59 of 60 Old 11-25-2013, 10:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that the whole Primal Wound thing, which honestly IMO is based on junk science and personal bias, has become really popular in the anti-adoption crowd.  I have never met an adoptee to whom this applies, and I have never ever felt that it applies to me, either.  I know that will enrage some of the people here for whom the Primal Wound is their truth, but for me it just has no application.  I've posted how happy I am with my adoption and my story on other boards, and have been attacked.  For days.  It's as if if a person has a positive experience with adoption, these anti adoption people think they must be lying.  Or not in touch with their feelings.  Or in denial.  

 

I'm not in denial, and I'm not lying.  Thank you to all the posters on this thread who have supported and understood my point of view, and have honored that my feelings really are what I say they are.  :)

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#60 of 60 Old 01-04-2014, 06:47 AM
 
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I think that the whole Primal Wound thing, which honestly IMO is based on junk science and personal bias, has become really popular in the anti-adoption crowd.  I have never met an adoptee to whom this applies, and I have never ever felt that it applies to me, either.  I know that will enrage some of the people here for whom the Primal Wound is their truth, but for me it just has no application.  I've posted how happy I am with my adoption and my story on other boards, and have been attacked.  For days.  It's as if if a person has a positive experience with adoption, these anti adoption people think they must be lying.  Or not in touch with their feelings.  Or in denial.  

 

I'm not in denial, and I'm not lying.  Thank you to all the posters on this thread who have supported and understood my point of view, and have honored that my feelings really are what I say they are.  :)

I'm only just finding this thread, and am grateful that you started it. Thank you!

 

Re: Primal Wound, I'm glad you said that, too, as I've wondered about it quite a lot in the past 6 years since we adopted our son. He has never asked any questions about his bio family, and he does know he was adopted. I often wonder if he just has no "wound" or if he is suppressing his feelings. Time will tell, I guess.

 

And FTR, I know it felt like some on here were arguing your viewpoint, but I am so grateful for the discussion b/c it did help me understand different perspectives on this topic. Even if it didn't feel productive for you, it was helpful to see, at least for me, so I thank you for that too.

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