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#1 of 60 Old 08-19-2013, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been really sad to find so many online forums that concentrate on the "Primal Wound" aspect of adoption (which I think is utter rubbish), and I had to come back to mothering to share my experience with hopefully some prospective adoptive parents or new adoptive parents or even adoptees.

 

I have always known that I am adopted, and I have always been really happy about it.  I was adopted at two days old, by parents who have always adored me.  My mother had 8 miscarriages before my adoption, and she wanted so desperately to have a child.  She had "so much love to give," and I always felt so lucky to be the recipient of that love.

 

I've never given the bio mom much thought- other than to be really thankful that she gave me up. 

 

Cut to 40 years later, and some contact from the bio family.  I had never researched adoption prior to this, and I was really surprised by what I found- so much anger and animosity on adoption forums, so much talk about what people "don't" have and what they think they want.  

 

In my experience, the contact from the bio family was not welcome, and not anything that completes me as a person.  I have zero desire for contact, no need to include these people in my life, and I have had to gently let them know. 

 

I am shocked by the anti-adoption sentiment online over adoption.  There is positive to be found, but I had to look hard.  My guess is that the happy ones, like me, just don't normally go searching online.  The only reason I did this past couple of weeks was to try and figure out what I was feeling and talk about my thoughts and feelings regarding my bio family contacting me recently.  It felt so wrong- and I wanted support from those who had "been there".  

 

Anyway, that's my story.  I am a very very happy adoptee.  Nothing is missing in my life, and I don't want contact with the bio family.  Anyone else out there that feels this way, or am I an island online?  LOL  I know many people in person who feel this way, but sadly have not been able to chat with them much recently.  

 

I hope my story, as a 40 year old adult adoptee, helps those who are interested in adoption and/or about to adopt.  

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#2 of 60 Old 08-20-2013, 01:04 PM
 
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I am adopted, and have very wonderful, supportive, loving parents. They are my mom and dad. But is there room for my biological parents? Sure, why not? It is not a reflection on my parents, because I was curious does not mean I am rejecting my parents in any way. And they were wise enough to understand this.

 

My bio mom left a big paper trail, so it was easy to find her. My bio dad didn't want contact with me, and yes, that hurt. There is no gentle way to reject your child like that. Just as there is no gentle way for you to reject your bio mom and dad. If that is what is best for you then do not have contact, and your bio parents should respect that 100%. But don't think there is anything gentle in that. It's rejection to the core.

 

I've now been in contact with my bio mom for 20 years, since I was about 25, and it has been a very good journey. 

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#3 of 60 Old 08-20-2013, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Alison,

 

I would offer you a different perspective about your birth father.  He doesn't know you.  So how can he reject you?  He's not rejecting you.  

 

I think if you can have your bio mom in your life, then that's great.  For me, I could never do that and I have no desire to include her in my life.  It crosses a line for me.  I have a mom and dad.  Just like any other person- I have one mom and one dad.  And I have zero desire to know any bio relatives.  

 

But if you feel that way, that's great!  I don't think there's any right or wrong- I think that every person has to make this choice for themselves.  


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#4 of 60 Old 08-20-2013, 03:19 PM
 
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Why do you think you feel that way (that you have "no desire to know any bio relatives")....? I mean just even out of curiosity's sake (do you resemble anyone, how did they turn out, what are they doing for a living, do their kids look like your kids if you have any)...etc etc....maybe im just a nosy person but i would want to know the answers to those questions if i was adopted (i think)...i'm not saying you would have to feel like your bio parents are "mom and dad" but certainly they arent *strangers* right? Your experience is your own so im really trying not to diminish that....but im thinking of my own bio relatives, like a cousin that i dont really know at all...turns out he looks almost exactly like one of my brothers, its freaky! That was kind of cool to see (via facebook)...and then reading his list of tv shows, books, likes/dislikes etc....he (this one cousin) seems like he'd fit very well into my own immediate family. Do i call him up on the phone or even really connect with him on facebook beyond the occasional "like" of something he posts? Nope. Im an introvert and have no desire to do that. But i cant really imagine refusing contact with him or any other relative that might track me down via facebook, unless they proved to be crazy or something. I'm just trying to understand your perspective on this. 


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#5 of 60 Old 08-20-2013, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Queenjane,

I guess because they aren't my relatives, in my eyes? They ARE strangers. They aren't my family.

I guess to me, love makes a family. Genes are not really important to me- and looking like someone? Who cares? It's just not on my radar. My kids look just like me- this makes me happy- but I don't feel any need to know who I look like. It seems such a superficial thing.

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#6 of 60 Old 08-20-2013, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And as far as Facebook, it would feel so weird to have strangers looking at my pictures, or liking my posts. My FB is only close friends and family. These people are complete strangers and I don't want to know them.

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#7 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 09:51 AM
 
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Unfortunately we did not get my son so young. He was 14 and we have had our fair share of trauma with him but we love him more than anything and he has not always been a happy adoptee.

However it concerns me that you almost appear to be hostile towards your bio family. You say you don't love them, which is fine, but they did the most wonderful act of love by placing you. You wouldn't be where you are without them.
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#8 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh no- not hostile at all. I told her thank you, and that I appreciate what she did. I just don't want to "know" her.

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#9 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 09:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You have to understand that when contact was made, these people went a little nuts. Invited me on vacation, drove 5 hours to my town on my birthday despite my asking them not to- then making sure I knew they were here, telling me they love me (they don't know me)... Major overstepping. So if I seem hostile, it is to their recent overtures. Not to the people themselves. I just don't want them in my life, and that's okay. smile.gif

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#10 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 10:08 AM
 
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I think it is probably safe to say, that people have a wide range of reactions and feelings to this issue---all over the map. It is also safe to say, that as developmental changes occur, or someone's life shifts, there can be changes in many different directions with regard to huge important issues such as adoption. I think an important concept is to always stay open and know that things are always shifting, what we feel today might change tomorrow, what the birth family feels might change tomorrow, how an adoptive family feels might shift around. Things can be very fluid and it is graceful to flow along with it.
 

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#11 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree that's probably the case for some, or even maybe most? In my experience, and I'm only speaking for myself, I've never wanted to meet these people and have never had any curiosity beyond health info. I'm 40 years old, so I doubt that will change.

Again, just my experience. Ymmv.

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#12 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 11:05 AM
 
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I'm curious what your adoptive parents told you about your adoption story and birthfamily growing up. 

 

I have three adopted children (and one bio) , placed at ages 3 weeks, 16 months and 8 yrs. Each strongly identifies with having birthfamily and has expressed some level of sadness and curiousity about this other family they each have. Even the one that spent no time with birthmother beyond the hospital after birth. 


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#13 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sure. I was always told that I was adopted, the communication was really open in our house. I asked questions as they occurred to me, but it was never anything beyond health history or country of origin type stuff. It's not a huge part of my identity- not a big deal.

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#14 of 60 Old 08-21-2013, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was brought home at 2 days old, so I don't know if that has anything to do w it? No contact w BM at all in hospital.

I've never exhibited any of the issues associated w the so-called Primal Wound- no issues growing up, really normal kid and I'm a really normal, boring adult. wink1.gif

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#15 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 01:04 PM
 
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I'm reminded of a book I started reading by an adoptee named Christine Murphy. Christine was contacted by her birth mother and was not at all happy about it. I started reading the book a while ago and liked it, but then I got sidetracked and didn't finish it. You've reminded me that I want to get back to it. You might find it relevant, given the similarities of your situation. It's called Taking Down the Wall. I'm an adoptee, too, by the way, but my situation was very different from yours and Christine's in that I did seek out my bio family. I know a number of adoptees who have searched (or are searching), but haven't run into many situations where it happens the other around. 

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#16 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 01:54 PM
 
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Queenjane,

I guess because they aren't my relatives, in my eyes? They ARE strangers. They aren't my family.

I guess to me, love makes a family. Genes are not really important to me- and looking like someone? Who cares? It's just not on my radar. My kids look just like me- this makes me happy- but I don't feel any need to know who I look like. It seems such a superficial thing.

 

Hope i dont seem like i'm picking on you. I really DO respect your POV, so i hope you dont mind me asking questions. 

 

Im thinking of the birthfamily view. You said "love makes a family" and that those people are strangers, not your family. But what if they DO love you? I can imagine if i carried a baby for nine months and then gave that baby up for adoption, i'd still love the baby. Mourn the loss of the baby. And if i went on to have more kids i would tell them about the baby, and they would consider that lost baby their sibling and possibly love and mourn the loss of that child too. There could be grandparents, aunts, etc who knew about you and loved you that consider you family because tehy love you just like you consider your own family "family" because you love them. 

 

Now...i totally get if there are other reasons why you dont want contact, if they are dangerous, or drama filled, or boundary-crossers, or just not worth the effort. But i'm kind of hearing lack of empathy for this other family of yours(that you dont consider as such but they consider you as such.) I can only imagine the pain of a birthmother who seeks out a child she placed (and for some women, that placement decision might not have even been totally her choice) and to be told the adult child wants nothing whatsoever to do with them. I know thats not really "your problem" but im wondering why you feel so strongly about it.  Like...you said that it would be weird for "strangers" to be looking at pics of your family.....but they wouldnt BE strangers if you got to know them right?? 


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#17 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 01:57 PM
 
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oh i also wanted to say...you keep mentioning "The Primal Wound" but i think there is a huge spectrum between feeling "wounded" by having been adopted, and wanting absolutely nothing to do with "these people who are strangers to me"....i think many adopted people who reunite with bio family probably have more of an "extended family" type relationship (pictures, occasional contact etc)....it doesnt have to be all or nothing. If one party wants "all" and the other wants "nothing" clearly that wont work though. So i suppose its good you were upfront right away with them in wanting no contact. 


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#18 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 03:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Queenjane,

I have respect for your point of view, so I would appreciate if, even though you don't understand, you would respect mine. You seem to be questioning my views an awful lot- are you trying to learn for your own experience, or do you disagree with me? Either way, it's fine- but it just seems by your posts that you are arguing with me, and I didn't post to have a discussion about why I feel the way I do... I was trying to make the point that not all adoptees want or need contact.

They are strangers, and that is how I wish for it to stay. It clouds things too much for me to even consider letting them in my life. When a birth mother gives a baby up, she should do so with the desire that that child completely assimilate into the family they are adopted into. She can't have it both ways- give up the baby for a better life, and still hope for contact. Let go and go away is my feeling.

I have empathy- but empathy is not the same as wanting a relationship. It's like if you break up with someone that does not fit into your life- you don't feel the need to have contact just for their "sake," do you? If she has issues, then those are hers to work out. I'm 40 years old- there has been zero contact up to this point, and I feel no desire to have it start at this point, nor have I ever.

I have extended family. I don't want more. I have a mom. I don't have room for another. I have a brother. I don't have room for another. In my mind, it's just too muddy.

In my view- I'm just like any other person born into a family. I was just born to my mother a different way. I know I'm not the only adoptee who feels this way- based on the post above and other adoptees I know irl. I know to someone who isn't adopted, it's hard to understand. But I'm telling you there is zero desire on my part for contact or a relationship. The only woman whose daughter I am is my mother.

I hope that helps to clear it up- it's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't grown up in my shoes. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was only meant to have one family- and that's the one I grew up in. I've never felt a "pull" or any desire to know anything else. That's just me.

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#19 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 04:20 PM
 
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 When a birth mother gives a baby up, she should do so with the desire that that child completely assimilate into the family they are adopted into. She can't have it both ways- give up the baby for a better life, and still hope for contact. Let go and go away is my feeling.

 

 

No. When a birth mom places her child, she should come up with a plan that suits their situation the best, and find the adoptive family willing to accommodate her. She is placing her child for adoption, not giving away a cat. She is an important piece of the triad, and she matters too. I am so glad that adoption is moving away from being closed and secretive. There are plenty of healthy open adoptions.

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#20 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 04:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And for me, I respectfully disagree.  There is no triad.  I'm thankful that closed adoption still exists for those who want it that way.  There is only a triad in open adoptions, which mine was, THANKFULLY, not.  

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#21 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 05:04 PM
 
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Mom0810 I'm not adopted but estranged from my entire family for almost ten years. I am not in your circumstance but respect your stance 100 percent. There is no emotion here that is what is confusing from the replies. IMO when things don't align with one's POV or societies then it must be flawed and attacked. A mother is only there to give birth its the baby who grows into an adults choice as to what relationship she/he wants. The minute the mother regardless of circumstance gives up her baby she should respectively wait for that child/adult to make contact if wished. Not the other way around like pp I would have the same reaction. The mother already made her choice now its the child/adults that should be respected. Op I'm sorry and disgusted that you are getting this much flak for your honesty. Don't listen to the naysayers.
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#22 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for that support and understanding.
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#23 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 06:48 PM
 
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You know I don't think it is flak and naysaying. The adoptive mamas on this forum work very hard at understanding all points of view. They are among the most open and unbiased women I've ever "met." I think people are just trying to understand. You are expressing a view that is totally legitimate; there is nothing at all wrong with your view. We have had threads by very hurt adoptees and there was as open a dialogue as could be, again, with people just seeking to understand each other. We've had threads by those still questioning how they feel. We have also had threads like yours before. When folks question or try to explore or 'massage' the conversation, it doesn't mean that they feel you are not expressing something legitimate. There is just a wish to more fully understand. There are strong feelings on all sides of the triad, whether or not the triad is an active part of your life. If your birth mom was on a forum right now, she might be expressing any number of feelings about how things went or how they are with you now. All of it can be considered important. YOur adoptive parents/family's feelings, your feelings, your birth mom's feelings. That doesn't mean YOU have to be the one to connect to all their feelings; it just means they are all legitimate. 

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#24 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 08:22 PM
 
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And for me, I respectfully disagree.  There is no triad.  I'm thankful that closed adoption still exists for those who want it that way.  There is only a triad in open adoptions, which mine was, THANKFULLY, not.  

 

Yes for those that want it that way, but not for every mother that wants to pursue adoption.


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#25 of 60 Old 08-22-2013, 08:39 PM
 
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mom0810,

The title of your thread grabbed my attention and I wanted to speak up in support. I'm an international adoptee so I don't know how much I would be able to find if I ever were to go look. Growing up I had a lot of anger towards biomom and over the years my feelings about being adopted have changed. Now I feel sorry for her that she felt that that was her only option and the only reason I would ever attempt to contact her would be to let her know I turned out okay. I would feel completely weirded out if she contacted me in the way your bio family reached out to you. I would feel like they are overstepping their boundaries, sharing DNA is doesn't give you a right to leave and barge in whenever is convenient.

I feel the same about there not being room for another relationship, I just can't picture how it would work, would we send each other christmas cards? I don't want to know her or her reason(s) and maybe that's some remaining anger or resentment but that's what I feel is best for me right now.


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#26 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 01:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, dakipode. smile.gif

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#27 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:20 AM
 
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Queenjane,

I have respect for your point of view, so I would appreciate if, even though you don't understand, you would respect mine. You seem to be questioning my views an awful lot- are you trying to learn for your own experience, or do you disagree with me? Either way, it's fine- but it just seems by your posts that you are arguing with me, and I didn't post to have a discussion about why I feel the way I do... I was trying to make the point that not all adoptees want or need contact.

 

 

I can't "disagree with you" because its your OWN feelings and experiences. The reason i am asking you questions is because I find your position difficult to understand. Since this is a *discussion* board i thought we could discuss the issue more in depth. However if you are looking for support, thats fine. (Although, if you're completely at ease with your position and hardly even think about being adopted im not sure what you would need support with yknow?) I should probably point out that this is an adoptive *parenting* forum, not an adoptee support forum (i personally dont have a problem with adoptee/birthparent issues being discussed here but it was decided long ago those posts should go to the personal growth forum if i recall.) I do think its a little odd that if you're totally happy that you would be so...hostile? maybe thats too strong of a word...adamant? and use such strong language regarding your birthfamily (insisting they are strangers, nothing to you, seem sort of incredulous they would want contact as if they are so strange for wanting to know you.....) etc. But its not my life so i cant really judge. 


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#28 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly. You can't. But it kind of seems like you are...
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#29 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:32 AM
 
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They are strangers, and that is how I wish for it to stay. It clouds things too much for me to even consider letting them in my life. When a birth mother gives a baby up, she should do so with the desire that that child completely assimilate into the family they are adopted into. She can't have it both ways- give up the baby for a better life, and still hope for contact. Let go and go away is my feeling.

 

 

Actually she CAN have it "both ways" and many birthmothers DO. In fact, i'd say open adoption (with varying levels of contact) is the norm nowadays. I know it wasnt the norm in the early 70s when you were born. 

 

And even when a child has no contact that doesnt mean he doesnt feel a connection to his birthmother. My son asked me the other day if he could visit his bmom. I said i dont know where she lives "well you could call and ASK her!" i said i dont have her number. He was sad about that. He says he misses her.  Not being able to see her doesnt make the desire to see her go away. It just makes him feel sad. I guess i feel such a connection and sadness for my kids' birthmothers (even though they didnt do a good job of actually parenting them) that i cant imagine reducing them to essentially surrogate status. Obviously you feel differently. 


Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#30 of 60 Old 08-23-2013, 11:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not hostile... Or adamant... Except for the fact that my feelings have been repeatedly questioned by one person. If you can't relate to my point of view, that's fine. But the relentless questioning and re-questioning is kind of unwelcome, I have to say.

Mom to two beautiful boys, now in school to be a therapist and help other women with PPD.  
 

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