Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum so I hope that I could receive some advice, please no hateful/rude posting please. I've posted on other forums on different websites trying to seek advice but I always get hateful/rude comments or no one comments at all.
I honestly don't know where to turn, I've tried so many different counselling services and so many different techniques for coping with my depression. According to my doctor and the people around me they say they see me suffering from PostPartum depression since having my daughter 4 months ago, I've already been suffering from depression for 5 years. I've tried to get help on many occasions but something always happens to prohibit me from getting the help I need. I've tried private counselling but the counselors are always very rude and aren't sensitive, I need a sensitive counselor since I myself am a very sensitive person and get upset easily. I have tried group counseling but I feel as if they are trying to change who I am and I'm very uncomfortable talking about my problems to a room full of people that I don't know (internet is different). I've tried to get counseling over the phone but the woman whom connected me gave me the wrong number. Every time I schedule an appointment with my doctor I always have to do it on a day that my boyfriends mother is able to take me, or my own mother. Every time I do, something always happens and they aren't able to take me, even after they promise to take me but I understand because they also themselves have problems and a life they need to live. I would take the local bus to get there but I have a social disorder where I fear being out in public where lots of people can see me, I hardly ever go out alone. This also has to do with my physically abusive ex boyfriend but that's a different story. I also find it a challenge to go out and get anything done while I have a 4 month old baby crying all the way there so I tend to avoid going out all together.
I've never really considered myself close to anyone in my life, I have trouble trusting and loving the people around me, due to trust issues. No one takes my depression seriously even though when I was a teenager I tried to kill myself many times, everyone knows this. Oh and before anyone gets started no I will NEVER hurt my child no matter how depressed I get, sorry just use to people getting on my case about that. I try talking to the few people I do trust in my life but everyone blows it off like it's not there, yet all I think of all day is different ways I could die and different horrible things that "could" happen to me just by fluke, am always very paranoid. I have small hallucinations when I have anxiety attacks, which happen a couple times a month. No one sees exactly how serious this is...
My boyfriend feels me growing distant from him, I hardly ever make love or have really any physical contact with him. He is the father of my daughter and I've been with him for almost 2 1/2 years. I spend my day cleaning up the house, sleeping and taking care of my daughter. I can never leave her crying for more then 5 minutes, even though I've been told that I shouldn't pick her up every time she cries, unless it's for a good reason like a diaper or food. She gets plenty of play time with me throughout the day. If she's simply crying just because she wants to get picked up or tired then I am told I shouldn't. Mind you I blow off eating, having a shower and going to the bathroom many times because I'm always so paranoid that something will go wrong even though she's in a safe place like her crib or her infant swing (it reclines backwards so don't worry no breathing problems), even though I have taken her to the doctor unnecessarily many times just to make sure she's okay, she has yet to have anything wrong with her. According to my doctor she's perfectly healthy in every way.
I believe in my heart I am a good mother and I do try my best, I even put aside my own needs. Yet, I do also feel like I'm being over paranoid, but I just don't know how to break myself of it...
I know this is a complex issue and most people probably won't have any advice, don't worry I am use to it. I just need some direction..
Hi Vixentia and welcome
Congratulations on your baby daugther but I`m sorry you are going through such a hard time.
I`m a mother of three and I`m no stranger to anxiety/depression. I`ve had panic attacks for nearly half of my life and have a fare share of paranoia as well. My youngest one of 15 months old and I check on her constantly touching her little tummy to see if she is breathing.
My only advice is to NOT wait for others to understand your feelings. Other people just see the great mother who cares for her daughter, keeps the house clean and have a hard time understanding what really goes on inside of you. Seek the help you need and don`t stop till you find it. You will be a better/stronger person if you do.
ETA: try posting in the Postpartum Depression Forum as well..
It sounds like you may have some anxiety as well as depression. I am living with anxiety and it used to be so paralyzing. I would just obsess about something that I thought could go wrong and worry until I could control the situation. It may help to talk with someone.
One question I would ask, is there anything you are doing to rid yourself of these feelings that could be harmful? Something like drinking, eating disorder (my vice) or placing the blame on your significant other. For me understanding that some of my bad habits were covering anxiety and depression helped, because when I would want to overeat or not eat I new it was because of my anxiety.
Several things that have worked really well for me:
-Get plenty of B vitamins. I even had one called stress less that was a B complex. High doses of B12 in particular have been effective at managing depression and anxiety. Raw cashews are an excellent source of this also and taste divine.
-Meditation. Meditate daily. I like to wake up before everyone and do some meditation. I do a little humming and focus on the sound. I also perform the Five Tibetan Rites and other yoga. Before bed, I also do some yoga and meditation. My husband who knows my struggles does this with me also and sometimes we hold hands while meditating. When you feel the panic coming on do the deep breaths you practice while meditating.
-Have a daily ritual. For me, this means my Five Tibetan Rites and meditation in the morning, followed by a cool glass of milk while I relax. At night I meditate and do yoga with my husband and have a glass of red wine and chocolate. These things may not work with your body, but find what does.
-Emotional Freedom Technique: This one is huge. There are many youtube videos on this. It is scientifically proven to work. It involves repeating affirmations and touching certain pressure points. I do this at work whenever I begin to worry.
-Smile-Forcing a smile sometimes makes me change my attitude. It is really hard at first, but if I keep forcing it I become happier.
Lastly, live in the moment. An old Buddhist quote states, "If you are living in the past you are depressed, if you are living in the future you are anxious and if you are living in the present you are at peace". If you live each moment as it is, it is almost impossible to feel anxious or depressed.
Good luck with your journey. Know that you are not alone in this world. I will say a prayer for you. And congrats on your baby!
V + E=baby G in 2012. Rural Midwestern homesteaders going back to their roots.
“A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.” -Paulo Coelho
What's funny is when I was a teenager before I got my depression I used to meditate but as soon as I stopped doing it is when a lot of my problems started. My mother is spiritual so when I was a teenager she taught me how to meditate, I just never got around to doing it for quite a few years.
Oh and about your question yes I do have an issue a lot of the time with not eating, sometimes I will eat a little or nothing, then on days I'm happier I eat more normally so my eating is all over the place, it adjusts with my mood. A lot of the time my boyfriend gets on my case about eating and tries his best to get me to eat on the days I'm not feeling that great.
Last time I visited my doctor she told me that I seem to have developed more anxiety over the last few years, which mixed in with my depression. (Forgot to mention that in my post)
In any case I will look into trying some of the suggestions you made, thanks for the advice! :)
Couldn't read and not post... I struggle with anxiety and depression and have for most of my life. It's a constant battle I'm not sure I'll ever get past completely. The previous poster gave you some great advice and things to try. I know it's not a common idea around this board but you might want to consider medication if nothing else seems to be working. I realize it's not the best solution but I've tried to fight through my depression and anxiety myself for years without it and nothing really helped. I feel much better with my medication to help stabilize me. My life is also a bit chaotic and I know that doesn't help. I definitely feel better when things are calmer at home so reducing my work load/ stress level goes hand in hand for me. Not sure if it'd help you but I know I feel better after reorganizing or streamlining my life. Hope you find something to help you whatever it is. Congratulations on your baby. Those first few months are especially hard with a new baby when you have anxiety but it does get easier.
Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days