my hubby is 41 and i am 36 and we have kids ages 3 and 2. For years hubby only thought he had ADD and a mild case of tourettes ( just facial and hand twitching) and then lately he believes more that he is bipolar. He has had a huge problem after our second was born with more rages and depression. So finally i got him to see a therapist. She isn't specialized in aspergers though which is finally what i am suspecting of him having all his life.
He doesn't understand a conversation at all and prefers to monologue. If i try to interject something in the conversation or even disagree, then he gets very angry saying i interrupt him or am not validating him (since i may disagree and i do so in an appropriate manner). The back and forth reciprocation of a conversation just doesnt seem to exist. he claims i am the one however who does not know how to have a conversation yet my local friends have no issue with me and i find it more of a joy to talk to other ppl.
He isolates himself from the family by playing music in his garage which is his one hobby. Several times he has said to me that since i didn't like his music hobby ( playing guitar and such ) the way he did then he didn't think our relationship would work for him. I do play music ( violin, brass instruments and i read music) but i am not his groupie to sit and praise him while he plays. Besides, he has no interests in any of my multiple current hobbies. That doesn't bother me and i told him we should find a new hobby to enjoy together and he says he can not do that.
he says the kids cause him stress even though i am the stay at home parent and he only has time to spend with them on weekends or after work hours during the week. he said its the chaos and noise they make which he cant stand. He gets angry alot when i am not able to give him 100 percent attention when the kids are playing ( they are small toddlers and have to be constantly watched or they do get into trouble such as getting all the eggs out of the fridge and breaking them on the floor for fun) I tell him i can give him some attention but still have to at least listen to the kids, but he says its just not good enough. He says he can't watch the kids by himself for more than 2 hours ( it used to be not at all but since we have no other family near then he had to when i had to go to the dentist) My oldest now does not any more want to be left alone with hubby and screams to go with me when i need to go somewhere. My haircut this past weekend had to be a family event. For my own sanity, i need an hour or so to myself at times.
But its his rages that i think are the worse. over the last 2-3 years he has threatened to kill himself, he has threatened to burn the house down, he has broken things in the house, he has numerous times said he wanted a divorce. Many times he says he wants me and the kids to leave and i tell him no cause its our home too and we cant just up and leave with no where to go. I tell him if he wants out of the marriage then we should do it the proper way and get divorced and if he wants, he should move out and live with the one friend he has 2 miles away.
He grumbles alot about all the down sides to having kids and even has said me and the kids are a burden on him. I tell him that if he really wants to go his separate way then he can do so with no hard feelings from me if that would make him happy. yet he doesn't. But he has said that he is trying to figure out the cheapest way to divorce and without having to pay child support. then he would say when he feels better, that he doesn't want to divorce. This ahs been going on for 3 years. I wish he would just make up his mind. Its exhausting.
For the longest time, i have thought he was emotionally abusive and neglectful cause he also blames me for all his problems and even actually tells me that when he breaks something out of anger that is is my fault. These kinds of things are emotional abuse.
he has only one friend down the road and refuses to try to make new friends cause he says he doesnt know how. He said all his life one friend would lead him to others but his idea of a social situation is to mostly sit back and listen to everyone instead of participate. Two years ago i threw him a birthday party and invited his friend, his friend's wife and his parents who were in town then. Everything was going great till he took his friend and friend's wife out to his garage to show them his new music setup. they came back in and he didn't. When i went outside to see where he was, he was sulking on the porch. I asked him what was wrong and he said his friend didn't show the appreciation for his music stuff the way he wanted him too. he spent teh rest of the evening outside sulking while i entertained his friends and family
my 3 year old now too is showing problems and is going to be evaluated in a week. Its really like a have 3 kids. hubby does not show empathy toward me but gets angry if i dont give him enough. He expects me to emotional support him but does not do so for me. He will not believe he may have apsergers. He gets angry if i mention it. Is it possible he has aspergers or he is abusive? And my biggest concern is that if i can not get his rages to stop or get better and if continues to display some of the worse abusive pattern, then the kids and I have to leave for the sake of the kids.
I would highly suggest you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It sure was an eye opener for me and helped me understand the bad patterns that were in my relationship.
It doesn't sound like there are many positives in this relationship for you which is really sad. Would you marry him again knowing it would be like this?
Well first off yes i would be with him again especially if i already had the 13 years of growth and experience as i do now. And there are good times when he isnt going through his depressive phase.
He defiantly has some mental issues all his life. Even when he was a teen he was hospitalized for a few months for a suicidal attempt. However, now he is 41 and seems to still have depressive episode. he is taken medication and seeing a therapist now. His back and forth statements of that he hates me and then he loves me is very confusing. I guess overall my question was what is a result of his mental illness and what is flat out emotional abuse? its hard for me to tell but i do have my own boundaries and gently have to remind him when he is being rude or flat out say no when his requests are too controlling. I have no problem saying no but sometimes he goes into a rage afterward. I still hold my ground though if it is something i firmly believe. I often have to tell him to stop yelling or i will walk away and then sometimes i do. I have told him before that if he wants to discuss something in a mild manner like an adult then we can but if he wants to shout and get his emotions wound up in it then i will have to walk away.
then too my next question is that i wonder if alot of his social skill problems and lack of conversational ability are truly an undiagosed aspergers. For years he said he was only diagnosed as tourettes and ADD, and these two features are often a feature of asperger. If he was it would explain alot but not excuse all behavior which crosses the line. My mom always keeps asking me how much am i willing to take? Since he is now seeking help and does admit that he has more problems which are not controlled, then i guess i am still waiting to see if he makes changes.
I will buy that book and i am looking at an asperger marriage book. this way maybe i can cross reference the two together.
Hi destinysong, I highly recommend getting your husband a neuropsych evaluation with a PhD Clinical Psychologist. It's useless to try and speculate what is going on. I see plenty of red flags for bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. ADD also has a component which includes social skills problems. Two of my kids have special needs and are on the spectrum, I also have several adult Aspie friends and they really don't sound like what you are describing with your DH's behavior.
Here is one thing you have to consider - regardless of the cause, mental disorder or just being a jerk, somethings are unacceptable. If the kids are not safe or do not feel safe around him then he has to go. It doesn't matter if he can help it or not. It doesn't matter if he is acting this way because he is sick. You have to make sure that you and the kids are physically and emotionally safe. That may mean moving to another home while you work on the issues.
~Patti~ Momma to three girls and three boys , First mother to one girl
Certified, card carrying member of the IEP Binder Club