Feeling humiliated and frustrated re my relationship w Dh after FIL's death - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 37 Old 11-25-2013, 06:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Alpenglow and everyone else for your replies.   MDC has been such a wonderful support for me over the years for so many things.  Yes DH is most definitely a people pleaser.   Although, he treated me badly in this situation w SMIL usually he is a kind and loving person.    SMIL is a cruel,evil and controlling person.  I started reading the book "In sheep's Clothing" and am so very thankful to the PP for suggesting it.   Just wish I would have read it sooner!!   One thing I have always remembered is Maya Angelou's saying and that "If someone shows you their colors believe them".  The book confirms this belief.  SMIL is the classic character disordered individual the author speaks about. She takes pleasure in causing other people hurt and pain for her own benefit.    I love the book and hope the DH will read it b/c maybe this would let him see what she has been doing to him all these years.  SMIL wants her way and will do nothing to stop at getting it even if she has to run over people.    I am definitely done w SMIL but I am hoping DH will respect my wishes re DS not being a part of her life.  I'm just waiting for XMAS.  She trys to buy DS w useless presents and I am not sure if I should allow any presents from her.  I want to say no and stand firm  As I read these type of people have no morals and do not think about the consequences.  They are very manipulative.  It really hits the nail on the head.  They love people pleasers like DH.  As the book explains there is no changing these type of individuals and not to over analyze and rationalize their behaviour.  Had I read this book and had this knowledge earlier I would have stood strong and not allowed her to treat me this way for all these years.  Anyways, I have been wondering if I should tell DS about SMIL.  Not details of course but be honest that she has done some very hurtful things and that'we are not going to be seeing her anymore.  She has yelled at him so loudly and rudely that he ran away sobbing for something as silly as taking a piece of pasta from the dish.    Anyways, DH and I had a talk about therapy and how I did not feel like the therapist should have given her opinions and sided w him.  He obviously disagreed  that she was giving her professional opinion.  I got angry b/c I am tired of people always complaining and not being happy!  We have a great life and why create problems.  I guess this is my denial there is nothing wrong? I do agree that there comes a time when DS should sleep in his own bed and I really wish that there would have been an easy solution in our circumstances.  Also, I wonder how does one reconcile the differences of say being for vaccines or against them. We have been debating this for years w n solution.   One believes in co-sleeping and the other does not.   I adopted these parenting views when I became a parent not before that I could have predicted it.    SO, I wonder is it ok for me to see a therapist alone.  The pp said it is not so I am unsure what to do.    Also want to comment on scsigirls comment.  I did  see FIL at holidays and so forth.  He was not so sick during the past 2 yrs.  It happened in 2 wks and I asked to go w DH but he said no.  Not once did he ask me to go.

The only person bothered was SMIL b/c she just needed to create unhappiness for DH and myself.  I wish I did have confidence in the therapist we saw but her opinions conflict w all issues relating to AP.    

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#32 of 37 Old 11-25-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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First off stand firm on no contact with this woman and that definitely includes presents. She will only use it to further manipulate your DH with the line "sure I'm banned, but my money is good enough" to induce guilt. Don't give her the ammunition.
Im going to speak from the child's perspective. My father's sister and her husband sound just like your SMIL. The description of your DH being reamed out over something trivial hit so close to home. These... people would come to our house, eat and drink the refreshments my parents provided and CRITICIZE everything! They've called my dad a moron for not putting out shot glasses for god's sake. They'd yell and scream and always, ALWAYS tear my dad down. I'd hide if I knew they were coming. My dad was the kindest, most gentle soul I've ever met. He always wanted to keep the peace. My mom asked, then pleaded, then begged but he never stood up to them. Once they pulled one of these scenes after my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my mm finally broke and said "what the hell is wrong with you?! The man is seriously ill. If you don't like something, keep it to yourself or there's the door!!" We didn't really see them much after that and my dad passed away not long after. I love the kind man he was but oh how I wish just once he stood up for himself and his family. Because I haven't really seen it, it took a LONG time (like mid 20's) for me to learn to stand up for myself. I was a people pleaser too for a long time. My DH is similar - gentle, forgiving and it takes a LOT to anger him. But he stands up for us to his parents. I think I love that most of all.
Don't discount the effect this is having on your DS.
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#33 of 37 Old 11-26-2013, 11:26 AM
 
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Yes, please refuse to see this therapist. I wouldn't go see her again! Ever! 

 

If you think you need to see one on your own, sure, do find a therapist to work out your issues and get support. 

 

Find a family therapist - somebody with a C.Psyc or M.Psyc degree... Your current therapist's qualifications makes her a social worker, not experienced with therapy sessions. Even if it does, if it doesn't work for one of the persons participating in therapy, you need to move on.

 

Glad the book helped! Your DH, even if he reads it, might not get the same thing what you got from it. You need to be a victim of Passive aggression to understand what's going on around you. Right now, he's not the victim of SMIL's passive aggression, you are. So, you are seeing it for what it is. 

 

Do what feels right for you. 

 

If you think the therapist from your yoga session might be right, go for one a consultation with your husband.. 

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#34 of 37 Old 11-26-2013, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Want to get opinions on what I should say to DS- to tell him that he will no longer be seeing SMIL.  Figured I would phrase it in a way that he understands- SMIL has done some very mean things- no details.  The reason I want to do this is b/c I fear that when she realizes that we are no longer going to have contact that she may try to pick him up from school etc etc.  I just do not trust her.  Or is it better to leave as is and not say anything to him.  He will ask so I am thinking I will have to tell him anyways.  Not sure what DH will say b/c he is clinging on to the relationship with her,  Ahhhh.  All this craziness. 

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#35 of 37 Old 11-26-2013, 12:26 PM
 
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I would probably not have a discussion with ds about it at this point (it might anger your dh and result in accusations of you being controlling.....not at all suggesting that is the case - it could be how he perceives it though, and not help your marriage).  Instead I would just go about doing what you need to do, without discussing it (so it happens, but doesn't become an overt issue yet).  I would focus on getting a good marital counsellor and try to address it that way first.  Maybe let it go for a bit while your dh grieves.  But SMIL is definitely an issue and I agree it is best to cut off contact with her or have very very clear boundaries (that if crossed result in her being cut off?)

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#36 of 37 Old 12-25-2013, 06:15 AM
 
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Another great book is Toxic In -Laws by Susan Forward. I got that book out of the library. I had a huge revelation on my situation about why my MIL actions had traumatized me so much after about 9 months of therapy. Weeks later I picked up the book and by page 20 she identified the same reason that I had come to conclusion to after 9months of talking to a professional.

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#37 of 37 Old 12-25-2013, 10:09 PM
 
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I hope things are getting better for you mama. I agree that I wouldn't say anything to DS about this at all just because DH could get defensive about it and you don't need that right now. As far as the school issue this isn't a problem. Just let the school know that she is NOT to pick your child up for any reason what so ever and make sure to remove her from any contact lists at the school (if she's currently on there). She can't get your child from the school if she isn't on that list or else you could sue her for kidnapping and the school for conspiracy. Been done this road before so get that done and I hope you can relax. Good luck.


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