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-   -   ending friendships (http://www.mothering.com/forum/12-personal-growth/1394648-ending-friendships.html)

moving toward 12-21-2013 12:58 AM

Hi all, so I have a "friendship with a couple I met in my antenatal class a few years agao. They are lovely people who are generous and I just don't like them!  At first look we have similar values, but it turns out we couldn't be more different, because I have no ability to get people to respect my boundaries, they have no idea that I don't agree with them on everything. I actually think they are prob better people than me but I feel like they take liberties and are moochie. It winds me up, I like to have the opportunity to offer hospitality rather than be asked for it, their son is too rough to play with my kids and they turn up too often without notice, or call ahead and say that they are still coming even if I have people over as they don't mind. I would love to see them every couple of months (or even weeks) but they insist on weekly meetings. I have a newborn and can only see my closest friends once a month. I'm starting to have panic attacks when they call and I'm avoiding going out to places I know they might be.I made the mistake in confiding a few problems with them and they brought them up publicly in front of my family! 

 

Anyway I don't want to see them any more but I don't know how to end this. They can't change who they are so I don't think feedback would help - and I'm sure a break isn't required, I just don't want to be a jerk as they are good people 

 

I have been avoiding their calls/emails etc

Any tips? I'm at a stage where I just want to send an email saying I have personal issues at the moment and I can't spend any time with them but I hate to lie - I think it causes bad karma - help!!!


EarthRootsStarSoul 12-22-2013 10:51 AM

I'm a habitual 'ghoster', which probably isn't the best way of dealing with break ups.  I just disappear.  It works though. 


Shakti77 12-22-2013 01:03 PM

You say they are good people. I have to respectfully disagree with this. They have violated your boundaries many many times. Time to say goodbye.

If I were you, (because they come up unannounced, ignoring them might not work... I'd send an email addressing them that I am taking a break from socializing and would not be entertaining due to family commitments. Good luck with their future endeavors.

Next time, if somebody else is trying to take advantage of your time or energy - if they are trying to call you so they can drop by at short notice without you inviting, just say --'sorry now is NOT a good time. Please schedule another time with me through email...

You don't have to invite them inside your house when they show up unannounced...just open the door lightly and say you are busy right now.. Lets schedule another time through email or phone.

Not opening the door works as well.

It takes time to learn to stand up for ourselves.. But it is an important life skill and it gets better with time and easier with practice.

philomom 12-29-2013 03:13 PM

I never, ever let people badger me into spending time with me by showing up at the door! Just say firmly "now is not good" or "we were just leaving" and shut the door. Gentle but firm.


And really, you may just have to break down and TELL these people that you don't think this is working out for you. Have a nice life and that sort of thing.redface.gif

tracyamber 12-29-2013 09:56 PM

how did you deal with you situation?

DTmama1 01-15-2014 01:46 PM

Maybe just emailing and saying that with what is going on in your life right now you don't have the space to commit to the relationship with them. That you're nesting in with your newborn and really don't have space to see them until x date (2-3 months from now?)



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