How to cope with a narcistic mother - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 03:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone struggle with a narcistic mother as well? I am struggling really badly at the moment, due to the overall situation. 

 

My mom is not one who would jump right in to help someone if in need, as in she did not come to help out even though she knew that I was pretty sick from the pregnancy, the depression and the overall situation at home.

 

When I had to go on bedrest she came, and I guess it helped, but the price to pay was really, really high. 

 

She left today (her dog is lonely otherwise, so she could not stay any longer) - and I am really, really relieved. 

 

She was constantly critisizing me. 

I spend to much money. And I don't know how to be organized enough to keep our family out of debt. (and while that is true, it does not help if someone is just punching it into your face all.the.time.)

 

I am not organized enough. My laundry room is a disaster (she arrived here after me being on bedrest for about five days, and I was not well before that, so it was a disaster. I just don't see how I could change that in the given situation). 

 

We are not caring for our kids. They are untidy and their clothing is dirty. DS1 clothing is too colorful. (?!)  

 

People talk about us, how we don't keep our kids tidy. Apparently. 

 

She gets really upset and screams at me if I don't agree with her, and if I don't let her change my life. She used a doctor's appointment to clean our bedroom, which I feel is overstepping limits in a huge way, and she tried to throw stuff away that I did not want to be thrown away. And than she got hysteric when I didn't let her. There were three pairs of jeans and a maternity sweater and expensive toys from the kids in the bags. All in perfectly alright condition. 

 

But I am mental. She tells me to see a therapist "for my problems" - she read my medical papers from the hospital - because they were lying around. Again - huge limit overstepping. 

 

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. She does this my whole life, whatever I do, it's just not good enough. She always finds a reason to blame and critize and hurt, and than I am mental for telling her to please accept my limits. 

 

She wants to come again for the birth of the little one, but I don't really think I want her here. She is not caring in the slightest, she actually told me when I had really, really bad contraction and my back were  hurting like hell that I should fold the laundry: because your hands don't hurt. 

 

I am really torn, because sometimes I think I see her being genuinely nice, but than the next critic starts. 

 

And I honestly don't like it when my mother tells me that I need psychiatric care when I try to be mindfull and not waste resources and stuff. 

 

And than she goes to people and tells them stuff about me, how I am crazy and overconfident and not a good mom, and it hurts me on such a deep level. 

 

Anyone with similar experiences?


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#2 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 04:38 AM
 
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Yes, I have a narcissistic mother.  And what you are describing is not just narcissism - it's abuse!

 

I just cut my mother off a month ago. I'm almost 41.  I couldn't stand it anymore.  It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.  And for her!

 

I definitely feel for you.  I thought it was the "high road" to keep her in my life and my kids' lives, but it just wore me down, and because I was so used to her treatment of me, I married an abusive narcissist as well, and thought he was perfectly normal until about a year ago (after our divorce was finalized).

 

Now I'm dealing with a double whammy!

 

All I can suggest is that you get distance from her - however extreme it needs to be, and start loving yourself and treating yourself really well until the day will come when you will know exactly what to do about her.

 

I also recommend reading "The Body Never Lies" by Alice ****** - it changed my life last summer - made me realize I don't need to waste anymore time trying to override my body's extreme reactions to being around her.  Bodies are brilliant!

 

I don't know - hope that helps.  I am still processing everything, but mostly just dealing with my ex now.  The minute I realized I had to "divorce" my mom, my whole life came into sharp, beautiful focus.  Even if you just start getting distance and talking with a counselor about her, or reading books, or setting boundaries, you will start to make progress.  Nobody deserves to be treated the way you describe - by ANYONE.

 

I think it's great you are already really starting to see what is going on!

 

:joyDragonSlayer

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#3 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 11:17 AM
 
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http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

 

My mother is narcissistic lite.  Good intentions, but over eighty years of feeling deprived and seeing the world on those terms make for some moments.  I just stay emotionally detached, make sure I tend myself, and live my boundaries in as civil a fashion as I can.  She does have redeeming characteristics and wants things warm between us even though she isn't getting exactly what she wants, so we're able to keep things pretty nice overall.

 

OP, yours sounds like really tough going.  You're definitely on the right track about not having her come when you have your new LO.  Ensure peace for yourself and your family; you deserve to be treated well and are capable of doing that even though your mother isn't.


Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), an underachieving Bernese Mountain Dog (2006-2014), and an overachieving mother (1930).  Married to DH since 1986.
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#4 of 6 Old 02-16-2014, 03:33 AM
 
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I am so sorry your own mom treats you that way. That is horrible. I really can't wrap my mind around her not knowing she is in the wrong then again most are blind to their own actions but yet are quick to call out others. In my experience the only way to deal with toxic individuals is to kick them out of your life. Most will not change and most don't even realize they have a problem!

 

I agree with you questioning about having her at the birth. I would not do it.


Wife, mom of 3, obsessed with photography, crafting and blogging http://annleaartsy.blogspot.com/
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#5 of 6 Old 02-19-2014, 06:47 AM
 
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I also STRONGLY (really!) discourage you from having her at the birth or even helping you afterward. You will be at your most vulnerable and she will be able to bully and harm you. At the least she will probably ruin your birth experience. Don't let it happen.

I would put distance between you and your mother. I actually am estranged from my mother for all these reasons. I have to take care of myself and my family. My mother doesn't help, she deliberately harms. So she's not in my life any more.
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#6 of 6 Old 03-02-2014, 10:49 AM
 
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I have tried for years and years to try taking breaks from my mother.  I would start visiting again and have a decent visit and then of course the next visit was back to everything being about her, her being right, and my occupation being the topic because of how much she disliked it.  It's really hard but finally I had to realize that she is who she is and she isn't magically going to change.  I work with kids and realize that unfortunately some of their parents have issues and just aren't ever going to be good parents for their kids, so why was it taking me so long to get it through my head that my mother isn't going to change either.

 

I finally had to decide that I needed to keep my distance because of how toxic it was being around her.  Now she has become friends with my ex on facebook which really hurts me and has even babysat my children for my ex.  It really hurts, but she hurts me more being around her. 


I'm a single working mom of 3 wonderful kiddos. 

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