Trouble balancing who I am with being a mature mommy. - Mothering Forums

  • 2 Post By 3lilchunklins
  • 1 Post By contactmaya
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#1 of 8 Old 02-25-2014, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
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I was wild and crazy in many areas of my life before we had our DS. Hubby and I have both grown and matured through becoming parents. I have trouble even thinking about having fun and being a little wild. I am responsible and always put my child first. I enjoy this life tremendously. Sometimes I would like to let loose a bit. The times I drink some beer and have a good time, still responsibly I must add, I lay in bed at night feeling guilty. The times I would like to be wild intimately with my hubby I feel like it is wrong because I am a mommy. I am having a hard time balancing who I  am with who I really am, I guess you could say. I have silly moments with my family especially my son and this I feel great about. I want my son to know who I really am and feel like myself without feeling guilty but at the same time be good role model for him. How do I find this balance? This may sound silly but it is something I have really struggled with. i wonder if anyone else has felt this way?

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#2 of 8 Old 02-25-2014, 10:24 AM
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I get you. When my 1st DS was born I threw away all my thongs, because in my mind I was a only a mom now. There was only mom. No other sides anymore. I have realized though, that just because the mother in me was born it didn't mean that every other part of me had to die. So I replaced all my thongs, because even though I'm a mom, I'm also a wife, and its ok to have wild intimacy within that relationship. I would encourage you to not limit yourself to only being a mother. You're still a human. That means woman, wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc...
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#3 of 8 Old 02-25-2014, 01:41 PM
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Theres nothing wrong with being silly. Ever heard of playful parenting? Being a mother is just part of who you are. Being 'wild', 'alive', 'vital', they sound like good qualities to me, provided  they do not  compromise your parenting, sanity and reliability.

For me personally, i dont have the energy left for that because i have 3 children. But sometimes i can be very silly and my kids love it.


If youre talking about wild sex, well, do it in private...

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#4 of 8 Old 02-25-2014, 04:54 PM
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Becoming a parent does not mean that an obliteration of yourself is necessary. You can be a responsible parent and do so many of the things that are important to you. There is no need to feel guilty that you let yourself have a good time while acting responsibly.

It is important to be a good role model for our children. Decide what is important to you to present to them, and then figure out how you can have what is important to you. There is a big difference between responsibly enjoying a drink in a safe location and getting rip-roaring drunk in front of your children. If you would like to model responsible drinking to your kids I think that is ok. And if you'd rather they are not exposed at all there are babysitters and date nights away.

Your being a parent has absolutely nothing to do with you and your husband's sex life. With a little planning and flexibility it is easy to have a fulfilling sex life while not subjecting the kids to headboards banging against the door and hollering. Being a mommy does not mean that our desired, needs, and connections magically vanish. It is not good to stuff those feelings away and forget about them. Sure, it might not be wise to get into a full on kink-fest with only a wall between you and the kiddos, but with the right arrangement of time and sitters you can have the privacy you need if you are borrowed about little ears. And it is quite easy to be discreet after bedtime, too.
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#5 of 8 Old 02-25-2014, 06:00 PM
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I think parents who are honest with their kids have more credibility as role models.  What's more convincing:  someone who tells you that they've never made a mistake and you shouldn't either, or someone who tells you that they did some stupid things and wouldn't want you to have to deal with those same consequences?  I don't want to tell my kids every dumb-ass thing I did when I was young, but we're going to have some frank talks when they're older, about how I went off the rails and why, and what going off the rails looks like, and when it's productive and when it's not. 


In the meantime, ease up on yourself some.  No one will be hurt if you have a beer and go dancing, or hire a babysitter for poker night, or whatever helps you feel more like yourself.


Nurture your inner badass, because that part of you has real skills for making change in the world, and you and your kids will need it sometime. 

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#6 of 8 Old 02-26-2014, 10:36 AM
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I have a friend who I've only known as a parent. But when I talked to her ex once he described a completely different person. He wasn't being malicious, but he explained that most of the reason for their divorce was that she became this person who stopped being fun, always worried about how things looked and stopped being her. Becuause she had an idea of what being the right kind of parent looked like. The funny thing is I had the conversation about her long after I had decided that while she's a great person, she's not real. It's almost like she's acting a specific way, all the time, to live the life she's supposed to.

So I guess I'm saying don't do that. Be you. My kids are older (8 and 13) and slowly I'm realizing that I don't have to keep my desires on the shelf. I can be a damn good mom and leave them home while we go out for a few drinks. I can be honest and say that dad and I need time to be just us, not mom and dad all the time. We are better for it and it's good for the kids on many levels. They see a happy relationship, they see that sometimes we come first, they gain their own independence by staying home alone.

It's all about balance.
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#7 of 8 Old 04-17-2014, 08:27 PM
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I can really relate to your post. I too struggle with remembering who I used to be before kids and who I am now.
How can I mesh these two things? Just hugs.

Me + Dh = Dd1(9.5 yrs) + Dd2(7 yrs) and Ds(4.5 yrs)
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#8 of 8 Old 04-19-2014, 02:10 PM
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I dont have a problem with it. My life before parenting was great, but i have struggled to continue with its projects while being a full time mom. I have had to let them go. But hey, life is long, and i'll get back to my pre parenting projects and passions when the kids are older. Even wild sex could be on the agenda, but to be honest, i had enough wild sex before hand, so its not a first priority.

Im a perpetual optimist, and a creative thinker. Theres so many things i cant wait to do, but in the meantime, i LOVE being a mom.

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