I have decided to end my relationship with my mother. I love her, but I can't take it anymore. I think that she is bipolar, but she refuses it. She was diagnosed years ago, but then was undiagnosed by a second doctor. She is deeply out of touch with reality, lies to herself and believes herself, and I believe that she lied to the second doctor. I have done a lot of research on this, and she has all the signs/symptoms. She is also extremely manipulative, has been victimizing herself since childhood, and has anger issues. She has never sustained a healthy relationship in her life, including with her siblings (she still holds resentment for things that happened 50 years ago). I don't think she has any real friends.
I am trying not going to use this forum to rant, I have spoken to enough emotionally healthy people that support that she is indeed toxic for me. I have been afraid of her for as long as I can remember.
By cutting her from my life, I am losing my mother, but also my grandmother. Mother will manipulate her to think that I am horrible person (she's done it before).
I need to grieve the loss of my mother, and I don't know how to do that because she is still alive. I feel like my heart is being ripped into pieces. It hurts so bad. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for your losses. I think one can grieve losses of relationships in ways similar to how one grieves other losses. For example, think about funerals/burials. Are there are aspects of those ceremonies that you find comforting (gathering loved ones together, doing some readings, saying prayers, burial)? You mentioned that you have discussed this with others in your life; might you be able to bring those people together and have a service of sorts or a ritual would be comforting? Would it help to writing about the loss in the journal and perhaps burning the pages (alone or with those that support you) as a sign of letting go of the dreams of the relationship that you hoped to have by now know is not possible? Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
Sorry you have to grieve this loss. Do you have access to therapy?
From what you wrote, it sounds more like a personality disorder than bipolar disorder (or both can present concurrently). Borderline personality disorder can involve wild and sudden rages and mood swings....but then within minutes she could be calm and fine again. Whereas bipolar cycles a little more slowly. Or narcissistic personality disorder can also involve rages (rages at perceived slights or perceived criticisms). Try googling daughters of narcissistic or borderline mothers and see if any of this resonates. Best wishes on your journey forward.
I have to say that your decision is admirable, inspiring, and profound, and I commend and support you for doing so. Your children and yourself and everyone you come into contact with will be better off for your refusal to carry this malady further into the world. Have compassion for her and do good for yourself.