struggling with partner's mother - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 05-18-2014, 08:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have never had a relationship with my boyfriends mother.  I take responsibility for this, its not all her and I certainly haven't helped the cituation.  When myself and BF got together we were 16, whenever I went to his house (he never came to mine) his parents were always drunk and dad usually in nothing but his underwear.  My dad always wore clothes (I thought people usually did) so I found this hugely uncomfortable and always tried to avoid them.  I went to family dinners and even they're company Xmas party which we were forced into but me and BF were left sitting with staff rather than the family and it was an evening from hell.  I guess I never got into the habit of really talking to his parents because of my uncomfortable feeling.  This was my own doing, I accept that and was also going through a stage of depression that no one really knew about, I secretly drank and was in a rather bad place both personally and within our relationship. I know my lack of communication with his parents is rude but I was in a dark place and can't change that.  But during the first 7 years being with my bf pretty much every evening I was over his parents would fight, scream at each other, slam doors. They honestly had the same fight every time I was there.  One night I was staying over and she was screaming at bf's dad and slamming doors at 2am I had to leave. Years of seeing this and both his parents so drunk they would ask my bf the same question so many times because they forgot they had already asked and then get mad at him when he got fed up and say he had a bad attitude has left me feeling no warmth towards his mother of father, I can't stand either of them. 
Over a year ago it was revealed that bf's father had been cheating on his mother and bankrupt the company.  After a lot of fighting, and bf's dad threatening him and me because he had informed his mother of the cheating his dad finally left.  This left my bf and his brother to pay the bills and mortgages because his mother didn't work.  I felt this want the responsibility of they're children and just added to my dislike.  I would never wish what had happened to his mother on anyone, she has been left with nothing, had to go back to work etc. Bf and I now live with my parents and I can't remember the last time I saw her, I feel for her in her situation but I still don't like her as a person and can't see me ever liking her. Bf has always said he doesn't care that we don't get on but every now and then it feels like its thrown back in my face. He says even he and his brother know how difficult she can be but some how expects me to get over everything I have witnessed over the years and have a relationship with her.  I don't know what to do, the thought of spending time with her makes my skin crawl and I know some of you will come back and call me a bit*h, I feel like I am, but I just don't like the woman and can't get over years of dislike. 

Anyone else got experience of difficult relationships with your partners family and how do you cope?

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#2 of 3 Old 05-20-2014, 10:20 PM
 
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I'm no professional by any means so take everything I say with a grain of salt okay? I sounds like you just have a very negative history with your bf's parents. You do not have to like them. You do not have to love them. Honestly, they probably are not to attached to you either and I don't mean to say that to be slight. They don't seem like they are and were very deep. You sound like a compassionate person to even be processing this. Good. Your bf needs to make up his mind what kind of relationship he needs to have with his mother, not you. You need to tell him that. If he decides he wants to see her once a week then he ought to do that without any influence from you. Do you need to tag along on his visits? Is it that he would want you too ?Try it , maybe it won't be so bad and you are able to accompany bf when he does visit her. Also, maybe visiting her in a different space and time you both have grown and she might surprise you. You might even like her a bit or maybe find that you feel sorry for her and can understand more why she became the person she is today. I dunno.
Will you and your bf have children? Something to think about but for them to have a solid relationship with their grandmother it helps to have some sort of relationship in place.... Just a thought and I hope you find the answers you need to navigate through this situation!
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#3 of 3 Old 05-20-2014, 10:32 PM
 
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In my experience relationship with the ILs is inevitable. I think you probably need to comprise a bit so that you see her on specially occasions and maybe that would be it in your case. You could also add in one additional visit every month or two but as pp said it might be very wise to do it in neutral territory like at a restaurant. I don't think its reasonable to expect to never have to see her again, but as someone who had serious issues with the ILs i fully understand the importance of boundaries and how mich they can help.
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