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-   -   Is this treatment by the ILs mean - or does it just feel that way? (http://www.mothering.com/forum/12-personal-growth/1402390-treatment-ils-mean-does-just-feel-way.html)

Viola P 05-23-2014 10:48 PM

I have two children. Last year was the first Mother's Day and Father's day last year where the IL's lived near by. For Mother's Day and Father's Day last year we went to the IL's for dinner. I figured that was being very fair and would share the day by giving them dinner. I can't really remember what happened last year but i think they got me a small token gift for Mother's Day and got DH something for Father's Day, and signed both gifts with the names of our child. This year they didn't get me anything for Mother's Day (they said "happy Mother's Day" when we went for dinner but no card or anything) and are getting DH a picnic table, which they will surely sign as being from our kids. This really hurts my feelings because it kinda feels like they're usurping my role (I also buy Dh a present from the kids), while taking a shot at me by not getting me anything from my own kids for mother's day. I think it would still sting if they didn't get me anything and got Dh something but signed it from them, but that they pretend it's from my kids, hurts a lot. So I'm thinking from now on maybe i won't go with DH for the Mother's Day and Father's Day dinner and i will instead stay home with the kids. I mean, if they're not going to really recognize me as the mother then why do i need to recognize them? They're DH's Mother and Father, not mine, right? Isn't that why they get him a gift and not me? They're also not my children's parents so they don't need to go either for Mother's Day/Father's Day either, right? Instead we could all go for grandparent's day.

 

A part of me is really worried about the message this will send my children as they grow up, maybe that mothers are less valuable, or i guess that i'm a shitty mother who doesn't deserve a gift. Like if this becomes a tradition then eventually it could lead to them taking my kids shopping for Father's Day gifts for Dh and not Mother's Day shopping for gifts for me, and how will that look to the kids, what kind of message will that send? Thinking about it scares me. They are really sexist/traditional too...

 

This is all made so much worse because my family is across the country, and i'm constantly feeling singled out by them.

 

Thanks so much for your ideas.


MeepyCat 05-24-2014 10:24 AM

I think you're overreacting to people who are probably just not paying that much attention to minor holidays. I think the plan to stay home with the kids instead of letting other people cook for you is unwise. I think you sort of built it to make your in-laws hurt, and I think it will work spectacularly, and then you'll have to live with the consequences in terms of familial strain.

You're looking down the throat of years of drama and unpleasantness because they forgot to get you a card. It's not worth it. And it's an extremely bad example to set your children.

Sometimes my folks do stuff for Mothers and Fathers Days. Sometimes not. Last year, they got me an amazingly sweet card. This year, we had dinner and that was it. It was really nice not to have to cook. I forget what they've done for DH. But surely it is your partner's job to help the kids get you a present, and not your IL's?

I think you'll have a better relationship with the IL's if you just give them a phone call and let them know that you're planning on getting your dh something with the kids. You think their present sounds great - it will be so lovely to have a picnic table - but you don't really want people in the habit of signing things from the kids unless the kids were actually involved. If they want the kids' names on the card, they should arrange to take the kids on the shopping trip.

Viola P 05-24-2014 10:58 AM

So you agree that it's not cool for them to get dh gifts on behalf of the kids for Father's Day but you don't think I should avoid the dinner?

I agree that avoiding the dinner may be unwise. I also really don't want them buying Father's Day presents from or on behalf of my kids, especially if they're not going to do the same for me.

I really don't want to go for dinner!

MeepyCat 05-24-2014 12:00 PM

I think putting the kids' names on presents that the kids didn't choose or know about is a little creepy. Not hideous or immoral, just... creepy. Weird for everyone.

I think failing to get you something for Mothers Day this year is an oversight you should do your best to let go. Tell your dh that you're a little hurt and ask if he can tactfully get across to his folks that this is important to you.

It is not at all okay to send your dh to Father's Day dinner alone. He should have a celebration that involves the kids. You can maybe beg off yourself if you have a really good excuse, but you should send the kids. If you don't have a stellar excuse, I think you should do the dinner for better family relations.

TCMoulton 05-24-2014 01:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

I think putting the kids' names on presents that the kids didn't choose or know about is a little creepy. Not hideous or immoral, just... creepy. Weird for everyone.

I think failing to get you something for Mothers Day this year is an oversight you should do your best to let go. Tell your dh that you're a little hurt and ask if he can tactfully get across to his folks that this is important to you.

It is not at all okay to send your dh to Father's Day dinner alone. He should have a celebration that involves the kids. You can maybe beg off yourself if you have a really good excuse, but you should send the kids. If you don't have a stellar excuse, I think you should do the dinner for better family relations.

I agree. I received a card from my in laws on my first Mother's Day but never after. It was a kind gesture but not one that I thought was mandatory.

Signing your kids name on the card was probably their way of being cute - I wouldn't put anymore thought into it.

Definitely don't make your husband have Father's Day dinner without his kids. If you are that bothered by the thought of eating with them then maybe stay home and let your hubby go with the kids.

Honestly I think you are reacting a tiny bit sensitively on this topic and I get it, but I wouldn't let it cause a bigger, possibly more complicated, rift with your in laws. Just not my hill to die on.

Viola P 05-24-2014 02:06 PM

Yeah, I'm more worried about them taking my kids Father's Day shopping and getting presents for dh from kids. I really feel that should be my job as mom, at least I don't think either of my parents would ever do that as they'd view it as the job of the parents. It really bothers me, I just wish that they would sign from them, not my kids.

mamapigeon 05-24-2014 02:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

I think you'll have a better relationship with the IL's if you just give them a phone call and let them know that you're planning on getting your dh something with the kids. You think their present sounds great - it will be so lovely to have a picnic table - but you don't really want people in the habit of signing things from the kids unless the kids were actually involved.

:yeah   I think letting them know how you feel would resolve the issue.


Viola P 05-24-2014 03:37 PM

I can assure you that no amount of rational, calm silt discussion would improve anything. There is a long history here, and for every holiday they get dh gifts on behalf of my children (Christmas, dh's birthday). I think last year they at least extended the gesture to me too on md.

But ultimately you're right, there's no point in making matters even worse, so ill jut have to suck it up and move on. I never knew dealing with inlaws would require such tough skin

Thanks

Polliwog 05-26-2014 11:41 AM

To me, it sounds like you are wanting to make mountains out of molehills.

mamapigeon 05-26-2014 11:52 AM

Would it help if your DH told his parents to stop doing signing gifts as being from the children when they're not? And mention that it's your job (and his for Mother's Day) to take them shopping. I wouldn't just write it off, even if there is a long history of them doing this. If they don't know it bothers you, why would they stop?


Viola P 05-26-2014 04:22 PM

It really does bother me. I really feel that there are some things that are my job as mother, and dh job as husband. I guess I'm a bit teritorial...

You're right mamapigeon that it would be better if dh approached them. I'll see if we can work soemthing out, but I may just have to let it go.

journeymom 05-31-2014 02:46 PM

I know, this is a few days ago, but I just want to support you and say I've never heard of signing the cards from the grandkids for the son, and I think it's totally weird.

My inlaws give me a card every mothers day. It's sweet but I didn't expect it.

Viola P 05-31-2014 07:24 PM

Thanks Journey. It just feels sometimes like they act as though were divorced. I mean, buying the Father's Day present on behalf of the children is probably something that grandparents do when the parents are divorced. Makes me feel that way even more so since they don't even get me a card.


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