Recently dh and dd1 went overseas to visit dh's best friend. They lived with best friend (age 40s) and his wife (age 20s) for 2 weeks and were treated like royalty. Dh got to go out with his best friend & his wife and rekindle his old-time friendship with best friend. Their old friendship involved lots of sexual jokes and innuendo. Best friend's wife was part of this little circle and dh joked with both of them in this way.
Dh and dd1 returned home. I felt very uncomfortable with dh having skype conversations and email/private messages with his best friend's wife. He was showing far too much interest in her, in them. He tried to call them 7-8 times a day on skype while best friend and his wife were having some marital and familial troubles. Dh wanted to be a source of support and friendship to them both.
For awhile there, every time I turned around dh was talking to best friend or his wife, was on skype with them, trying to skype them, or talking to another friend about them. It was just. too. much.
I felt that dh was inappropriately close to best friend's wife. How could he treat her in exactly the same way he treats his best friend? His best friend and he have a history, a shared set of experiences, values, jokes, etc. Why is the wife suddenly the object of dh's intense adoration, admiration and love, the same as his best friend?
Dh and I have had a couple of huge blow out arguments about it. He insists he is doing nothing wrong or inappropriate. Then he didn't want to show me his emails with the best friend's wife. He finally did and they were talking/joking about sexual things. Dh admitted he flirted with her and talks about sexual things, just like he does with his best friend, because that is the "vibe" of their circle. I told him I didn't like it and I wanted it to stop. He agreed. I did send the best friend, wife and dh an email asking wife not to talk to dh about sexual things please.
I feel like it's an incestuous little triangle. A mutual psychologically masturbatory adoration party. It's weird and uncomfortable to witness dh acting like a 20 year old again. He says seeing his best friend rekindled a sense of play that he does not want to lose again. Best friend's wife is part of that little circle so he just very naturally relates to both of them that way.
Am I wrong to find it upsetting and a bit too emotionally/psychologically connected with his best friend's wife?
I had to remind dh during best friend/wife's marital/familial troubles that it is his best friend's responsibility to be there for his wife, not dh's. I feel like he is acting like too much of a caregiver to them both. It's too much.
I understand that this friendship is extremely important to dh. I feel like I should make more of an effort to talk to dh's best friend and his wife so I can forge some sort of relationship with them too. Dh wants them to stay at our place when they come to visit our country. Dh wants us to go and visit them in the future. The problem is that when I come across dh talking with the wife over FB or skype, I freaking. lose. it. It incenses me. I do not believe he should be as familiar with her as he is with best friend. The wife is a lovely person, has many good qualities. I do believe she is a good person and I could connect with her as a person.l just can't help it that she TRIGGERS me. It could be the fact that she is in her 20s, half my age and still a nubile, ripe, drop dead gorgeous, academic who dh admires and loves as much as his best friend, Because she is best friend's wife, and he loves best friend.
Any insight or helpful comments would be appreciated. I don't know how to "make myself" be nice to best friend and his wife when she triggers me so, and dh is so committed to having an ongoing loving relationship with them.
If you read this far, thank you.
(cross posting in Parents As Partners)
I don't think you can or should feel you have to make yourself be nice in this situation.
Hope you get some more helpful advice.
Thanks for replying Sienna-forever. Dh and I have had many conversations/arguments about this and we both finally seem to understand the other person's perspective a little bit more. Dh is backing off on the friendship, realizing they are on the other side of the world and he needs to give them some space and distance to work on their own problems. I am extending an olive branch in the hopes of getting to know the wife a bit better. We are both compromising a little, so that's good.