Husband going out every Friday. Should I leave? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-31-2014, 07:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Husband going out every Friday. Should I leave?

I'm having a hell of a time with this decision and it's causing me a lot of emotional stress. My husband and I hardly see each other during the week (we work opposite shifts) so you would think on fridays (when he works earlier than usual and gets out at 3 or 4) he would want to spend it with me and the kids but no. He goes out with his buddies, usually to a bar and comes home at 2 or 3 am. Every time it's a big fight when he gets home. He says he needs "time for himself" and always turns it around on me so I decided I would do something else on Fridays instead of just waiting at home for him. I don't like him going out drinking and coming home late at night but I've been doing stuff on Friday to occupy myself (going out to dinner with my mom and sis or to the movies with kids, etc.). Well yesterday he didn't come home at all. It is 7:30 in the morning and I am pissed. He sent a text at 6 saying he knocked out his friends house and will be home later but would not answer his phone when I tried calling him back.

History: This is not a new thing. We have been married 9 years now. We got married at 19 and 21. Back then he used to work for his dad and didn't have to get to work at a certain time the next day so he would do this practically every other day. He argues that now he only does it on fridays but that's more due to the fact that that's what his work schedule permits plus a lot of his drinking buds now have kids and full time jobs. I really don't think he is cheating. He's just a selfish idiot. I've told him how I feel about this a million times but he keeps doing it. I feel so disrespected. I couldn't sleep at all last night.

This is super long but I guess my question is, Am I overreacting for wanting to leave? He is a good provider/father but I just feel like he has no respect for me. Is it normal for a husband to go out like this? Peoples reaction is often, "Leave the kids with him and do the same thing". I have no desire to do this. I am not a party person or a drinker. I don't mind him going out with his buddies but I feel this is going overboard. I really don't want to struggle as a single mom but I don't feel like I a can keep dealing with this either. The idea of being in my 40's/50's and still dealing with this crap sends shivers down my spine.
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#2 of 9 Old 06-06-2014, 09:39 PM
 
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I just wanted to send you over a hug and say that really does suck what you are going though. My advice is maybe going to counseling.
Anyone else?
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#3 of 9 Old 06-06-2014, 10:06 PM
 
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I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to hang out with his friends once a week, but your complaints are also perfectly valid. I think you're both coming at this from a rigid position and you might have better luck reconciling your respective needs if you let go of the need to control what he "ought to do," and he let go of his need to establish his own autonomy where he's finding it threatened.

Have you told him you feel like he has no respect for you? What did he say? I don't think you're really considering leaving him over his hanging with buddies on Friday nights. There's definitely more to the story here. Only you know whether the pain of leaving him is greater than the pain of not having him in your life, but it definitely sounds like it's way past time for the two of you to sit down together, open a bottle of wine, and talk shit through in a respectful and open manner.
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#4 of 9 Old 06-06-2014, 10:45 PM
 
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I was in the exact same spot 5 years ago with my SO. He got paid every week and every friday night he would go out and come home drunker than cooter brown. Sometimes saturdays too. Everything I said turned into an argument, since I didnt work, his money was HIS money and I got what was left from paying bills and buying grocerys. But with a new baby and little family support, How could I leave I wondered and make it on my own. Until one explosive weekend that involved him passing out and getting his ENTIRE paycheck stolen, among other things, when I decided I had enough. I told him either I was taking our son and leaving or we were going to fix our relationship. Luckily, we pulled it together and worked things out. But I will tell you, The person I am today would have left much sooner and been done with it. I wonder today what my life would be like if I had, but Im very happy with our relationship and my decision to stay. What I want to say to you is, Only you can decide if its worth saving, or even able to be saved, But you are not alone momma, and you're not overreacting to feel like your deserve more respect from your partner!
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SAHM, Baby-Wearing, APing, EBFing, Co-sleeping, Proud Autism warrior mama to two boys. 7/2/08 & 6/8/09
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#5 of 9 Old 06-07-2014, 07:30 AM
 
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What about asking for scheduled one on one time with him weekly?
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#6 of 9 Old 06-07-2014, 08:58 AM
 
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How is he on Saturday and Sunday? Does he spend quality family time with you guys? One night a week with friends sounds reasonable to me, but the getting wasted part would gross me out. Although it does sound like this behavior was evident before you married him, so I assume the drinking didn't worry you enough to make you question that decision.

As far as the idea of leaving the kids with him and you going out sometimes too, you mentioned that you're not a drinker/partier, but what about just hanging with girlfriends? I go to a movie or coffee with friends a couple times a month, and it is a sanity saver for me. Do you get time away sometimes?
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#7 of 9 Old 06-07-2014, 10:02 AM
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Do you consider him to be an alcoholic? If so, that's an entirely different story.
If not, then maybe he just needs to understand that you need him to come home by a reasonable time, and 2 or 3 am. is not reasonable. (If he gets off work at 4, he can hang out with friends for 8 hours and still be home by midnight.)

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#8 of 9 Old 06-07-2014, 10:20 AM
 
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In my relationship, we are the opposite. I like to go out late, DH not so much. Last weekend I considered doing it up and staying out for the night so I didn't need to get a way home. But I didn't. I could sense that my DH was feeling a bit like an appliance and felt like me deciding to stay out that particular night would just be rude. Plus, I would NEVER dream of not calling before deciding to stay out. Jeeze - I have kids for heavensake! ;-)

So, yea, I'm on your side mama -- even if I can totally understand where your DH is coming from.

He needs to find some balance.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#9 of 9 Old 06-29-2014, 10:13 AM
 
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Given the long-term nature of the situation and the fact that in all that time, you two have not been able to work out a solution that you are both happy with, I believe a neutral third party would be able to give some perspective and suggestions for you both to consider. Very likely, the going out is not "The" problem but a symptom of the disrespect and nonproductive communication that seem to be going on. A counselor would help bring clarity so you can decide what you want to do, while at the same time improving your communication skills so that your relationship can thrive. Even if your husband won't go, the insight provided by a counselor will be valuable for you - this is a huge, potentially life-changing decision - it would be worth getting professional help this time.
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