Dealing with not having more kids/PPD - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 07-22-2014, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Dealing with not having more kids/PPD

Dh had a vasectomy after baby #5 . Honestly, it triggered a really bad case of PPD. I was not ready to be done and I know it sounds crazy, but it felt like hearing my death knell. I had built this identity and it felt like the ending of a part of my life and I wasn't ready for it. I'm still bitter and very angry about it. I'm really sick of people telling me to stop dwelling and to move on, but partly it's chemical and partly it's that my feelings should be seen as freaking valid, KWIM? Why are my feelings not valid, but his are?

Then family and friends dealt with my ppd terribly-which is to say not at all and told me to suck it up. Nearly 4 years later and it's still lingering. I feel...cheated of my life and who I thought I was and what the future held. Of course I'm happy and feel lucky for my children. I was told I'd never have kids to begin with and they are my little miracles. But I feel resentful that I didn't have a choice in the matter and that my feelings do not count here and are not seen as valid.

I keep being told to make the most of what I have, but when you're in that dark hole, it's really freaking hard. I try, but I can't even really come on to MDC often because I see pregnancy DDC discussions, and babies, and it just reopens that wound. I think partly it hurts so much because I don't remember so much from the first two years with PPD. It's like a hole in my memory that I will never regain and it makes me feel like a failure.

Would anyone like to join in and discuss? Commiserate?

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#2 of 18 Old 07-22-2014, 01:31 PM
 
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I can definitely understand the feeling. Unfortunately dh had a vasectomy and I actually agreed to it. Of course this was a barely 2 year old and dealing with the bad birth experience of my newborn. DS was getting sick and spending time in NICUs running tests with fevers high enough to do severe damage and having seizures. I was working on top of this and because of dh's lay off we were at risk of losing the home we'd just bought for our little family. It was not a good time in my life and of course it was like Sure fine do whatever I can't imagine dealing with another child right now. Ugh. I instantly regretted it but it was too late. Now I have the feeling that I want more but I know I can't have them. Dh won't consider getting it undone. It's depressing. Honestly and I know how awful this is but at times I've even thought ... well *I* can still have kids so ....
Yeah I know that doesn't work. Not having anymore babies isn't a reason to leave my marriage either. I don't want to but the thought has crossed my mind at least when we were fighting about it lol.

I've always wanted a large family and so even though we have 3 kids I just don't feel done. I agree that seeing the DDC's and breastfeeding forums and all here are kind of depressing. I find myself really getting lost looking at those forums often. The fertility section is worse though. I'm not comfortable going into the Infertility because this is self-induced. I'm not TTC either. Family Planning? Sure but I can't really hop on the "Wanting but Waiting" thread when dh isn't on board with anymore. I do want one but what am I waiting for? Not to ttc, I'm waiting for him to change his mind.

I am making changes in my life that I know will be better for my health and life in general though. Right now I'm getting through the rough spots telling myself "If I just change this and this and do a little more of that with ..... then he'd agree to have another baby!" Probably not feasible in the long run but that's where I'm at right now. (And family definitely doesn't help. Everyone I know IRL is very set on "oh thank god you don't have to have any more kids. You have enough already." ??? Really it's 3 not 300.)

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#3 of 18 Old 07-22-2014, 02:15 PM
 
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Oh my gosh, I am so glad that I found this. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, both of you. It makes me feel so much less alone and I feel like I have no one else to talk to about this.

My husband and I have two little boys, and shortly after our second was born my husband had a vasectomy. I'm pretty sure it was his idea, I don't even remember now, but I agreed to it (he never would have gotten it done if I wasn't on board) because I'm an only child and never thought I wanted a big family. Plus I was dealing with the stress of having two kids under two years old, plus some PPD issues, plus working. I'm pretty sure I demanded that he call up and schedule his vasectomy asap after one particularly bad day when my youngest was only a few months old. And this is definitely one of the worst, most poorly thought out decisions of my life.

Fast forward to now, my youngest just turned two, my oldest is almost four, and I desperately want another baby. I love being a mother. I only work two days a week now, during which my parents watch the boys (perfect situation for everyone; my parents love getting to spend that time with their only grandkids, I know my kids are being cared for by someone who loves them and whom I trust, and I can bring in some much needed money to our family). It turns out that I love being a mom, and I love being at home with my kids and taking care of our house. I feel so much better about myself and more fulfilled than I ever had before in my life (and I didn't have my first until I was 29 years old). I feel that there is a huge hole in our family where there should be one more child. We certainly have the room in our home, and we could manage financially if we make some changes and cut back. I just know that I will regret not having another child if we don't.

My husband has said that he felt we rushed into the vasectomy and he regrets it, and that if circumstances were different he would consider a third, but that he's also happy with the two and doesn't feel the need to have any more. He thinks I need to drop the whole thing and move on with my life. The major issue for us is financial. We have a considerable amount of debt (student and otherwise) that we're working hard to pay off, and then the cost of the vasectomy reversal on top of that makes it seem out of reach.

Most of my friends are happy having only two with zero desire to have any more, and think I'm crazy. They're very career-focused in a way that I'm not, and don't understand how I'm feeling so I can't really discuss it with them. Our families don't think we should have any more. This would in no way affect my in-laws, but they've had bad issues with my sister-in-law and currently have custody of her three youngest so they don't want anyone to have any kids. Ridiculous because we're entirely self sufficient and have never asked for their help with anything.

I could see my parents having an opinion on this (which is strongly no more kids!) since they're our daycare providers, but if they don't want to continue to watch our kids while I work I'll find an alternative. We've been nothing but completely thankful and never assuming when it comes to their help. We pretty much never ask, they always offer, and we work hard to not take advantage of their help and let them know how appreciative we are. It just hurts that they feel so strongly about us not having any more kids just because they only had one child and don't understand why people would have more than that.

I have a friend who just found out she's pregnant with her third, and while I'm thrilled for her, the news was also excruciating. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. I get nothing but negative comments when I talk to anyone (my husband included) so I just keep it bottled up inside, but I can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. I feel so hurt and disappointed and empty, and I feel so deceived and invalidated from receiving such negative responses about this from people who I depend on and care about.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just trying to sort out all of these feelings and figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do.

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#4 of 18 Old 07-22-2014, 02:52 PM
 
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Plus I was dealing with the stress of having two kids under two years old, plus some PPD issues, plus working. I'm pretty sure I demanded that he call up and schedule his vasectomy asap after one particularly bad day when my youngest was only a few months old. And this is definitely one of the worst, most poorly thought out decisions of my life. d
This! I had my dh call up the doc and schedule the vasectomy for the first available date after my 6 month old ds had a seizure landing us back in a NICU again. I truly wasn't sure how life with my youngest was going to turn out at this point in my life and all he'd been through. Add a job, house stress and a 2 year to that as well. It was not a bright idea. The doc should have laughed us out of the office for thinking we had mental clarity to decide anything

I agree with you about other relatives and friends too. I haven't had too much issue with other people having babies around me. At least not with the first couple of babies. I can smile and remember those days. What really gets to me are the moms of many. Like one woman at my dd's soccer games - she had a ds on my dd's soccer team, a ds in the same league as my ds and a little girl the same age as my dd but ... she had a newborn as well. All I could think the whole season was that's what I should be doing right now nursing a fourth baby. Every time I run into moms of many I'm not one of the people that thinks they're crazy... I'm that rare individual that is envious and sad for not being them.

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#5 of 18 Old 07-22-2014, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Lots of

I'm sad but relieved to see I'm not alone. I actually never agreed with dh. I even made him drive himself to/from the appointment and do the dishes that night. I was so angry. I mean, it's his body and his decision, but I hate that one partner's opinion can overrule. I've had the same bizarre thoughts about well, "I still can..." or even daydreaming about how I should have married a full Catholic or Amish or something. There's certainly a gap in clarity until your baby is at *least* two years old, IMHO. There's an emotional haze, and hard times with colic, and things like that so that you're not exactly in the best spot for a permanent decision.

Oh, I did find a blog post about an affordable reversal service in OK. Dh is not on board, unsurprisingly. So I keep my fantasy thoughts to myself.

Since I do have 5 kids, I do get snippy comments from people about how I can "stand" so many kids and equally rude things of that nature. It drives me nuts. The worst are the "Aren't you soooooo glad you're done?" No, actually. I'm not, and after such a rudely personal question, I'll usually tell them that outright.

tis-that's exactly it. Invalidated. Our society is not exactly family friendly-especially big family (anything over 1 kid, according to my in-laws *snort*) friendly so it's like our feelings aren't even valid or possible to so many people.

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#6 of 18 Old 07-23-2014, 05:12 AM
 
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Wow ladies. I'm so glad I found this. I'm here in the middle of PPA/PPD hell with a 9 week old. My oldest is 2. DH is sooooo on board with a vasectomy since having this new baby, especially since the pregnancy was complicated (which all ended up being fine with baby despite being high risk, etc) & now with my out of control anxiety. I was 100% on the same page with the vasectomy, having all the terrible stress of the pregnancy fresh in my memory. However now reading this, I'm going to have DH wait....at least until this new little one is at least 2. Hugs to you all.
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#7 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 10:48 AM
 
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@sierramtngirl I think waiting is a great idea. I really wish I would have. That time under the stress of a new baby, especially a newborn after a rough pregnancy with a toddler, is not a great time for decision making for anything harder than should I shower today. Take it easy on yourself. There are other methods of birth control you could use if you wanted to and if you decide you really are done after this baby haze and stress passes the v docs will still be in business waiting for a new appt.

@kittywitty The marrying a full Catholic or Amish is hilarious! I've had those thoughts too though and I'm not even Christian. I can't imagine how you feel though since you didn't agree to it. I did agree to it and I regret that. I wasn't in the state of mind to be making decisions but at least I did agree to it even if it was a bad decision and time. I also saw a doctor in OK that did the reversals for an affordable price. I brought it up to dh and he said NO! It's awful because he's actually been having issues with cysts and such lately. After looking around some more that could be from the vasectomy and having the reversal could help with it. I told him that and his response was "You're just trying to get another baby out of me." When I showed him the info on the health issues he asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. When I told him no he said then he wasn't going to get his reversed. He DID NOT want anymore kids. Not happy.

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#8 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@sierramtngirl I think waiting is a great idea. I really wish I would have. That time under the stress of a new baby, especially a newborn after a rough pregnancy with a toddler, is not a great time for decision making for anything harder than should I shower today. Take it easy on yourself. There are other methods of birth control you could use if you wanted to and if you decide you really are done after this baby haze and stress passes the v docs will still be in business waiting for a new appt.

@kittywitty The marrying a full Catholic or Amish is hilarious! I've had those thoughts too though and I'm not even Christian. I can't imagine how you feel though since you didn't agree to it. I did agree to it and I regret that. I wasn't in the state of mind to be making decisions but at least I did agree to it even if it was a bad decision and time. I also saw a doctor in OK that did the reversals for an affordable price. I brought it up to dh and he said NO! It's awful because he's actually been having issues with cysts and such lately. After looking around some more that could be from the vasectomy and having the reversal could help with it. I told him that and his response was "You're just trying to get another baby out of me." When I showed him the info on the health issues he asked if I was going to get my tubes tied. When I told him no he said then he wasn't going to get his reversed. He DID NOT want anymore kids. Not happy.
I'm sorry.

My dh was fairly traumatized by his vas, so much so that he wouldn't go back for a check up or testing. I used to be an andrologist so I told him he's playing with fire. He said if it happens it happens, but he's not going back (or getting it reversed!). Sigh. I'm not Christian, either, but I'm willing to pray to something for some peace or positive outcome for all involved!

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#9 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow ladies. I'm so glad I found this. I'm here in the middle of PPA/PPD hell with a 9 week old. My oldest is 2. DH is sooooo on board with a vasectomy since having this new baby, especially since the pregnancy was complicated (which all ended up being fine with baby despite being high risk, etc) & now with my out of control anxiety. I was 100% on the same page with the vasectomy, having all the terrible stress of the pregnancy fresh in my memory. However now reading this, I'm going to have DH wait....at least until this new little one is at least 2. Hugs to you all.
Awww It's probably a good idea to wait. Better wait to decide than regret it later. Hang in there!

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#10 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 12:32 PM
 
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I'm sorry.

My dh was fairly traumatized by his vas, so much so that he wouldn't go back for a check up or testing. I used to be an andrologist so I told him he's playing with fire. He said if it happens it happens, but he's not going back (or getting it reversed!). Sigh. I'm not Christian, either, but I'm willing to pray to something for some peace or positive outcome for all involved!
Prayer is the only thing that will help sometimes. I think yoga and meditation have done a lot for my recovery. I don't think my dh really has trauma over the vas. I think he just genuinely doesn't want anymore children. Honestly we have 3 and I guess that was a compromise and a stretch. Dh never really cared if he had kids or not and didn't care to have more than one. He was okay with having a second but once we did, especially since we got the "perfect" one girl and one boy, he was good. The third really was a push with him and he's entirely against the idea now. *sigh*

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#11 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 01:06 PM
 
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It's amazing how cathartic and comforting hearing from people with similar stories can be. Thank you all for this!

Oh my gosh, totally laughing at the Catholic/Amish thing. I'm not religious either, but I've also had that same thought. So jealous of families where having lots of kids is a given, although not having a choice in that either would also be horrible. I just want a husband who wants exactly as many kids as I do exactly when I want them. Is that too much to ask.

I really wish that the doctor who performed my husband's vasectomy would have told him to give it some time and think about it some more when he found out we had a baby and toddler at home, but I suppose that would have been bad business for him.

Sierramtngirl: please please wait! I desperately wish someone would have told me to wait when we had it done.
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#12 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 07:32 PM
 
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It's amazing how cathartic and comforting hearing from people with similar stories can be. Thank you all for this!

Oh my gosh, totally laughing at the Catholic/Amish thing. I'm not religious either, but I've also had that same thought. So jealous of families where having lots of kids is a given, although not having a choice in that either would also be horrible. I just want a husband who wants exactly as many kids as I do exactly when I want them. Is that too much to ask.

I really wish that the doctor who performed my husband's vasectomy would have told him to give it some time and think about it some more when he found out we had a baby and toddler at home, but I suppose that would have been bad business for him.

Sierramtngirl: please please wait! I desperately wish someone would have told me to wait when we had it done.
Definitely, sierramtngrl, please wait, and while you're waiting, please look around for help....especially with the PPA. I had it so badly after my son was born, and nobody ever told me there WAS such a thing! I remember nights of walking up and down the stairs, checking all the kids' breathing, relocking doors, crying over imagined fears. All that when I should have been just staring at a sweet little face and nursing. (My screen is not allowing paragraph breaks for some reason, so here is a PARAGRAPH BREAK, lol).... My husband didn't want any more after our now-8yo was born, and even she was a surprise. We have a 15mo and people were AWFUL to me in the interim...about how I was ruining the planet, or being selfish, or putting too much stress on my husband. Even here, on Mothering, I started a conversation about my desire for more babies, and I got shot all to hell and back by people saying that I didn't understand the stress I was putting on my partner. Sigh. Now it looks like I'm hitting menopause (or the beginnings of it, anyway), and that makes me even more sad. I really was hoping for more babies. *hugs*

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#13 of 18 Old 07-24-2014, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Definitely, sierramtngrl, please wait, and while you're waiting, please look around for help....especially with the PPA. I had it so badly after my son was born, and nobody ever told me there WAS such a thing! I remember nights of walking up and down the stairs, checking all the kids' breathing, relocking doors, crying over imagined fears. All that when I should have been just staring at a sweet little face and nursing. (My screen is not allowing paragraph breaks for some reason, so here is a PARAGRAPH BREAK, lol).... My husband didn't want any more after our now-8yo was born, and even she was a surprise. We have a 15mo and people were AWFUL to me in the interim...about how I was ruining the planet, or being selfish, or putting too much stress on my husband. Even here, on Mothering, I started a conversation about my desire for more babies, and I got shot all to hell and back by people saying that I didn't understand the stress I was putting on my partner. Sigh. Now it looks like I'm hitting menopause (or the beginnings of it, anyway), and that makes me even more sad. I really was hoping for more babies. *hugs*
That's awful! Some people can be jerks!

I'll second getting help for the PPD or PPA as soon as possible. The sooner you get help, the less regret and pain you'll have. Ask me how I know.

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#14 of 18 Old 07-25-2014, 01:21 AM
 
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That's awful! Some people can be jerks!

I'll second getting help for the PPD or PPA as soon as possible. The sooner you get help, the less regret and pain you'll have. Ask me how I know.
I think PPA is even more debilitating than PPD in some cases (such as mine). I don't remember so much of my older kids' lives at the beginning, because I was so scared ALL. THE. TIME. Just ask for a mild anti-anxiety medication. Work on positive visualization. Remember you are a great mom. Say it again. You are a great mom. (PARAGRAPH BREAK, lol) You deserve to enjoy these moments with your babies. You deserve not to be afraid of everything. You deserve it as much as mothers who have PPD deserve not to be sad or to feel alone or to want to end it all. You DESERVE to be HAPPY. love, p

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#15 of 18 Old 07-25-2014, 08:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think PPA is even more debilitating than PPD in some cases (such as mine). I don't remember so much of my older kids' lives at the beginning, because I was so scared ALL. THE. TIME. Just ask for a mild anti-anxiety medication. Work on positive visualization. Remember you are a great mom. Say it again. You are a great mom. (PARAGRAPH BREAK, lol) You deserve to enjoy these moments with your babies. You deserve not to be afraid of everything. You deserve it as much as mothers who have PPD deserve not to be sad or to feel alone or to want to end it all. You DESERVE to be HAPPY. love, p
I had both after #1, 2, and 5. #5 I firmly believe was set off because dh went out and got a vas against my wishes a couple weeks after she was born. Or maybe it exacerbated it?

I strongly recommend
this this
book Mother Nurture and seeing a HCP as soon as possible-midwife or doctor. Meds are not the end of the world. I spent a year trying to cure myself with herbs, nutrition, and exercise and instead that just fueled my anxiety and stole a year of my life I barely remember.

Just remember you are not alone. Feel free to PM if you want to talk privately.

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#16 of 18 Old 07-25-2014, 03:28 PM
 
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Oh wow! PPA? I honestly have never heard of anything except the PPD. Looking back I definitely had PPA at least with my first. I remember the early weeks of extreme anxiety. I guess since I had anxiety, PTSD, and other similar issues before ever getting pregnant everyone just assumed it was more of me being crazy. I know some of my specific concerns were the PTSD and anxiety from my prior struggles that got worse because I had a child and especially a daughter. I see though now that so much of it was PPA only. I had many fears about her safety and my mothering skills to the point of wanting to give her up for adoption because I might not be a good mother or crying because I fell asleep instead of watching her sleep to make sure she was still breathing and hadn't died of SIDS. It was a long few months after delivery. I can't believe I never even heard of PPA. It might have been much easier on me if I had. If you have PPA/PPD or anything similar please do get help. No one should have to live with that kind of stress.

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#17 of 18 Old 07-25-2014, 07:35 PM
 
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I had both after #1, 2, and 5. #5 I firmly believe was set off because dh went out and got a vas against my wishes a couple weeks after she was born. Or maybe it exacerbated it?

I strongly recommend this book Mother Nurture and seeing a HCP as soon as possible-midwife or doctor. Meds are not the end of the world. I spent a year trying to cure myself with herbs, nutrition, and exercise and instead that just fueled my anxiety and stole a year of my life I barely remember.

Just remember you are not alone. Feel free to PM if you want to talk privately.

Thank you ladies so so much. I am seeing a therapist who I love, but only see her 1/every 2 weeks due to cost. No meds as I'm breastfeeding & I've seen mixed info about this. It's such a hard time since I'm not able to do my usual stuff that helps with anxiety such as regular, hard exercise, regular sleep patterns, & good nutrition. I'm actually home at my moms for the next 2 weeks so I can have some extra support (DH works long shifts & is actually working 12 days straight!).
My main issue is worrying about my kids-I've already btdt with my DD who is now 2...she is doing great but I stressed/worried over everything she did. Now I'm there again with DS- "is he smiling enough? Sleeping too much? Pooping enough? OMG he hasn't started cooing yet"; and it goes on and on....it's exhausting and I'm really just sick of myself. I don't think I can do another round of this....which is why DH says no more. I will check out that book. I also try to stay off the internet , but I do allow myself to get on mothering as everyone here is so wonderful and supportive. Thank you ladies so so much. Lots of love!
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#18 of 18 Old 07-26-2014, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sierramtngirl View Post
Thank you ladies so so much. I am seeing a therapist who I love, but only see her 1/every 2 weeks due to cost. No meds as I'm breastfeeding & I've seen mixed info about this. It's such a hard time since I'm not able to do my usual stuff that helps with anxiety such as regular, hard exercise, regular sleep patterns, & good nutrition. I'm actually home at my moms for the next 2 weeks so I can have some extra support (DH works long shifts & is actually working 12 days straight!).
My main issue is worrying about my kids-I've already btdt with my DD who is now 2...she is doing great but I stressed/worried over everything she did. Now I'm there again with DS- "is he smiling enough? Sleeping too much? Pooping enough? OMG he hasn't started cooing yet"; and it goes on and on....it's exhausting and I'm really just sick of myself. I don't think I can do another round of this....which is why DH says no more. I will check out that book. I also try to stay off the internet , but I do allow myself to get on mothering as everyone here is so wonderful and supportive. Thank you ladies so so much. Lots of love!
I wish you the best! When you have LOs, it does make it harder to heal. FWIW, I was on zoloft which Dr. Hale agrees is safe. It really helped, but it couldn't undo some of the...trauma? of letting it go so long. I feel like I lost two years of my life and I have very few memories of that time period.

Some teas that also helped me (breastfeeding safe):
black or green tea (contains a bf safe calming chemical)
chamomile
Lemon balm

A tincture (check with your HCP first): http://www.wishgardenherbs.com/herba...edy-57/?return

Passionflower has been clinically proven for anxiety, so the above tincture would be my first choice along with getting enough EPA from fish oil.

http://motherloveblog.com/tag/postpartum-anxiety/
http://thelittleherbal.com/2013/12/1...rsing-mothers/
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