I'm angry and I need to stop - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-03-2014, 09:20 AM - Thread Starter
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I'm angry and I need to stop

There is a situation in my life that has me absolutely tied in knots with steam shooting out my ears and fire coming out of my mouth. I desperately want to move past the anger over this situation and I need some help. Here's the situation: (This got insanely long--feel free to skip all the middle ranting, its more for me, anyway. Feel free to head to the last paragraph.)

My BIL is getting married at the end of October to a Japanese woman. My SIL (they are already married, btw, for her green card...) wants to have her wedding in Japan. Nothing wrong so far, I totally get that she wants to be married in her home country. BUT...originally, they were going to have the ceremony in Japan and a reception here. Well, the reception here got cut. I don't know why. All I know now is that all of the wedding type activities are happening in Japan. So to be a part of the wedding festivities at all, we HAVE to travel to Japan. Okay, well, at the time (appx Jan 2014), they were planning the wedding for May of 2015, plenty of time for my DH and I come up with the money, plus tax time is in there. Over the course of the next five months, they changed the date of the wedding three times. From May 2015 to Dec 2014 to Feb 2015 and finally set the wedding date in mid-May for the end of this October. DH and I are paycheck to paycheck. They gave us less than six months to come up with several thousand dollars to travel to Japan. My poor DH is really close to his brother and desperately wanted to be there, but we just couldn't come up with the money. Not enough time, plain and simple. After a few weeks when everyone else on his side of the family was about to buy plane tix, DH talked to his dad and said we just can't do it. Well, in an effort to be helpful, his side of the family kicked in and bought him and I both plane tix as well as promised to take care of passports. We just had to come up w/ a couple grand for hotel, food, transportation, sight seeing etc. Ok, as helpful as that sounds, now we are boxed into going to this trip and what they casually tossed off as a couple grand we had 4.5 months to come up with (down to less than 2 months and we're at $600 (provided nothing comes up between then and now) and we're going to open a credit card...no other choice). DH worked two jobs seven days a week over the summer. I worked 40 hrs. Now DH is back to his school schedule (he works for a college) and can't work the second job (he works the most obnoxious hours...12-8:30pm). I work at a movie theatre (yeah, I have a bs job, go to school kids!) and I can only work weekend there because of DH's work sch. He's trying to get a new second job but that takes time. He's aiming for the morning hours so I'm just kind of stuck. So basically, my DH spent the summer working himself to death and we almost never saw each other, all for $600. It makes me sick to think about how hard we've been working and for nothing.

To add insult to injury, my BIL and SIL live out on the West Coast and we're in the Midwest (my immediately family and all the rest of my in laws). I've met my SIL maybe 3 times total. I've gone out of my way to be friendly to her. I've tried to talk w/ her about her family and friends in Japan, about her job, about school while she was in college. I couldn't tell you a thing about them. She smiles, says something polite yet vague and doesn't contribute beyond that. I even specifically asked about proper wedding attire. I read online that cleavage or shoulders showing is considered impolite in Japan. I asked her point blank about that (I'm a big chested girl, very few of my shirts completely cover my cleavage). She giggled, said "It is up to the..what am I? Groom?" "...Bride..." "Oh yes, *giggle* it is up to bride, and I don't care." Be that as it may, I don't want to make a spectacle of myself. I'm a fat pale white girl with giant boobs, blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm gonna stand out already!! I don't want to be looked down on or treated poorly by the rest of the Japanese because of how I unknowingly dress. Maybe its a culture thing, not totally sure, but it hasn't really seemed like she wants to try to get to know me, my husband or kids and I frankly no longer want to get to know her. Why am I even going to her wedding?! I feel like she's made it pretty clear she doesn't care for my family. I don't even think she cares much for my extended in laws. And that makes me even madder!! The only people going to my BIL's wedding for my BIL is me, DH, FIL, MIL, younger BIL. That's it. No friends. No other family. Its in Japan, no one can afford it. And remember there's no reception here. There's no party here for them. None of the rest of my in laws are going to get to celebrate their wedding. They don't even get invites because traditionally in Japan, only those who go to the wedding get invitations. So what?! I'm not one to pull the American card, but we are Americans and they will be living in the US. Do at least a little something for the people who can't afford to go! Do at least a little something to pretend like they are family and she's reaching beyond herself to become part of our family. But I feel like I am the only person who sees it this way. Everyone else is all "WOOO JAPAN!!!! SIL this and BIL that and SIL blah blah blah." (Please excuse DH from this, he feels very much like I do, but as he's close to BIL and flat out excited to go to another country, its been easier for him to let go of the negative feelings.)

It absolutely doesn't help that DH and I are the black sheep of the family and BIL/SIL are the golden children. I got pregnant at 19, out of wedlock, the first people in their family to have that particular stain. It took a couple years before my FIL would look me in the face and its only been in the past two years that I haven't been completely ignored by certain family members. But BIL, well, he moved across the nation to go to school, graduated w/ honors, got a job and a steady gf, got a better job (he's four yrs out of college and making six *bleep* figures), she studied in several different countries, worked for a year at a great job and is now all set up as a homemaker with a tiny dog that she carries in a bag. It makes me so *bleep* sick. They have no idea what its like to struggle to put food on the table. They have no idea what its like to be constantly looked down on for your job. They have no idea the amount of time, money and effort goes into raising kids. Of course they aren't planning to have some for a few more years, what else would Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do? Ok, I'm getting mean. Its not fair. We've worked so extremely hard for the past ten years and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. And they've got everything. And they want us to give up the very little we have for their one special day. Which, did I mention, they already had! They are already married!! My car is on its last legs, we've drug out getting a new car for years. I don't know if it'll survive another winter. Oh well. BIL and SIL are getting married! I've been planning to start college in Jan. Guess what?! Thanks to this wedding, I've got to put off my schooling and my ability to get a better job and help support my family. My in laws version of helping only screwed us further. Took us from probably not going at all to *having* to go (the tix were over $3500, no refunds. We can't back out.). There is nothing we can do other than go. I'm terrified of opening a credit card or two out of necessity and ending up bankrupt. All for a wedding. That they already had.

Anyway, this is happening. No matter what I have to say on the situation, I'm going to Japan in less than two months. No matter my feeling towards my SIL, I'm going to Japan for her wedding and I'd really prefer to be happy about it. If we end up bankrupt, I want to have a good time doing it, ya know?! But I can't think about this stupid wedding without going hot then cold, getting an upset stomach and shaking in rage. I've put off shopping and doing just about any kind of preparation because it makes me sooo furious. I thought if I just left it alone long enough, I'd eventually calm down, maybe get excited. Nope. I got to the point where I could casually talk about it but after seeing BIL and SIL a few weeks ago (funeral) and spending a good amt of time w/ my MIL this weekend, I'm just as disgusted and angry about it as I ever was. I have less than two months and I desperately need to let this go but I have no idea how to. I'm willing to try just about anything, though.
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#2 of 7 Old 09-03-2014, 07:01 PM
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I'm very sorry for your situation with this wedding.

Originally Posted by 3xMama View Post
We've worked so extremely hard for the past ten years and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. .
This isn't true. You have your beautiful children.
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but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#3 of 7 Old 09-04-2014, 05:02 AM
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I just wanted to say I understand about money and family. It can make you crazy.
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#4 of 7 Old 09-05-2014, 09:38 AM
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I read your story, and if it makes you feel better, I would be totally mad too. I'm sorry you have to deal with this! The part about the inlaws "helping" does make it even worse.

 "This is the sickest species the world has ever known."
Dr.John Bergman, speaking about the human species.
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#5 of 7 Old 09-05-2014, 05:38 PM - Thread Starter
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This isn't true. You have your beautiful children.[/QUOTE]

That is true and I do recognize that. When I originally wrote the post by the time I got to that point, I was full steam ahead and on the verge of becoming an outright b*tch because I was worked up. We have a lot of blessings, and as I am calmer now I do see that and acknowledge it.

I do agree with you, Nazsmum, nothing makes me crazier than family and money.

Thank you for your support, ladies, all three of you!! Its nice to know that I'm not making something out of nothing. I think I might try to look into some anger specific meditation. My aunt and uncle are hypnotists and sent me several half hour sessions on diff topic a few years ago. Haven't used it in ages but I'm going to see if I can find it and hopefully there is a something on "letting go".
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#6 of 7 Old 09-18-2014, 08:59 PM
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I understand why it would be super annoying to be obligated to go to such an expensive wedding. That's why dh and i aren't planning a destination wedding because we know it's kinda rude in some ways (we aren't yet technically married but i call him my husband). I also understand that when people decide to get married they plan the wedding they want, not a wedding that makes other people happy. But still, destination weddings are annoying and exclusive by nature.

How to get over it...have you heard of emdr? It really works well for dealing with anger and stuff. I used it to deal with my fear of public speaking. Obviously you can't afford counseling but maybe you could teach yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLLfdcJE0Q

As for the bitter resentment over their life accomplishments and your perceived lack thereof, you need to remember that you don't know what their day to day life is like. Everyone has problems and how things appear on the outside can be very different from what happens within. If you feel like you're not living up to your potential then you need to take some responsibility for that and acknowledge that there are steps you can take to improve yourself. You said that you were going to go to college but then decided against it because of the wedding, I don't understand this. It sounds to me like the wedding may be a bit of a cop out reason for not trying to improve yourself. Sorry to sound so harsh. Going to school can involve intense sacrifice for many, i know, i've been there. But if you have the opportunity and you think it'll improve your life then do it.

Good luck. Destination weddings piss many people off for the reasons you've described.
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#7 of 7 Old 09-19-2014, 10:02 PM
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Sounds like the OP is just putting off school and starting a bit later than she planned, due to this wedding.

My only advice is to just seek out the positives. I hear you on all the negatives...I'd have the same things going through my head. But if you really want to just let go of the anger, accept that you'll be budgeting with a credit card and look into all the amazing things you'll experience. A) living through this ordeal B) seeing Japan...etc

Is there anything in Japan you want to see or do? I'm not suggesting taking on thousands more in debt, but if a little bit spent can make or break your mood, consider that.

Also, think about the long term. Calculate how much you'll be able to save once you do graduate and get a better job.

Also, I'd give your SIL the benefit of the doubt because a lot of what you say about her interactions does seem like cultural differences.
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