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Old 09-29-2014, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Unhappy feeling rotten, need to cope

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Old 09-29-2014, 01:04 PM
 
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Oh dear, that is a drag! That is not good that you are working so hard being a mom of two littles and your dh is criticizing you. I think the first thing for you to do id know that you are doing a great job, abd really see that for yourself. You have to deal with your own feelings about this, and then also deal with DH's issue of being critical. It would be so much better if instead he told you how great you were doing and helped you as much as he could!
Parenting is hard. I have an only child who is 4- and even that is exhausting and takes tons of energy for me. Thankfully my dh is very supportive and helps out tons with all aspects of our life. given all that we are doing okay. But if I had a baby on top of that- well, I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted so I think that would be super hard!
I know tons of people raise more than one kid and do fine- I just am mostly saying this to honor you and say that it really is hard work to maintain two little kids and a house, and feed and clean everyone. It makes sense that you are tired and walk around tired etcetera. So honor yourself and know that you are doing the best you can.
As for your dh, well there must be some deeper relationship issues if he is going to criticize you while you are so busy and working so hard to do your best. People say the years of marriage with young children can be so hard on relationship- and to hang in there and it gets easier.
I know it does get easier when the kids are in school and you have some time to yourself. My ds is in preschool and the mornings he is there I just totally veg and do as little as possible. Because we need me time. I think one way to get through it is remember that in a few years the kids will be in school so that may ease up.
But in the meantime, I think you need to say to your dh- please stop criticizing me. I am doing the best I can and I need your support. What is his deal that he acts that way?
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Old 09-29-2014, 01:07 PM
 
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as for the cleaning, can you at all afford to have someone come clean once in a while? Even someone giving the house a good cleaning for you once every three months can help overall.
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Old 09-29-2014, 03:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think the first thing for you to do id know that you are doing a great job, abd really see that for yourself.
Thanks, Snapdragon. That's just how I feel about it. I know many moms are very happy and energetic even with large families, but I have also heard that looking after 2 children can be harder than 9, especially when they are very young. Right now, I'm having a hard time writing this while feeding one and reading to the other. I know, I probably shouldn't be writing right now, but I won't get a chance later and I want to talk about this while it's still fresh in my mind.

It's very comforting to hear that I should be honoured for the work I do and not just be labelled a whiner.
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People say the years of marriage with young children can be so hard on relationship- and to hang in there and it gets easier.
I know it does get easier when the kids are in school and you have some time to yourself. My ds is in preschool and the mornings he is there I just totally veg and do as little as possible. Because we need me time. I think one way to get through it is remember that in a few years the kids will be in school so that may ease up.

We are homeschooling DS. I only hope that it does get easier soon, when DD is a little older and I'm more experienced. I feel I have enough energy to keep the house in good order, but to do so would be to take time away from the children. Things take longer to do when you're looking after the littles at the same time.


So, I'm hanging in there, and hoping for brighter days ahead. I just wish I could find a way to feel less guilty (like I ruined a perfectly lovely day), and continue being an effective parent.

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Old 09-29-2014, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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as for the cleaning, can you at all afford to have someone come clean once in a while? Even someone giving the house a good cleaning for you once every three months can help overall.

I would LOVE to have a cleaning person in once in a while. But right now, it really isn't financially feasible. Still, I dream of the day...
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Old 09-29-2014, 09:28 PM
 
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To me it really sounds like your husband is the problem, not you. Ideally he should be helping you more and criticizing you less. He should acknowledge how hard it is to parent and he should help lighten your load. I am not sure what you can do about his issues, you are right that it is hard to make someone else change. I just hope you can let go of the guilt because that is a head trip he is putting on you. Probably to get out of the responsibility he should be doing of helping you with the kids ore! Keep processing, keep seeking support and encouragement, and keep going. You will figure it out in time! The thing you can do is to know you are doing the best you can, and give yourself praise if you can!
I don't know what you can do to improve how your husband acts, though. do you think he is capable of change? And if not, what then?
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Old 09-29-2014, 10:50 PM
 
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I had a whole other post typed up with tips on communication and organizing house work when I realized something. You feel guilty when he criticizes you.

This is really the crux of it.

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. I just wish I could find a way to feel less guilty (like I ruined a perfectly lovely day and affected his ability to work), not be reduced to tears, and continue being an effective parent when this sort of thing is going on.
The way that you describe the evening going badly was that he started criticizing you. And that it got to you. What are you guilty of? Not being perfect?

I really suggest marriage counseling. I know you are going to say that you can't afford it, but because he will not hear you when you tell him how he makes you feel, you are walking on eggshells afraid to say you had a rough day (with a baby and a 4 year old), and his way of dealing with stress is to make you feel like sh*t about yourself, in the long run, if you guys don't fix these problems, your marriage doesn't have a future.

Part of the problem is that he lacks the skills for you guys to talk about what is going on and how to move forward.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 09-29-2014, 10:53 PM
 
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I had a whole other post typed up with tips on communication and organizing house work when I realized something. You feel guilty when he criticizes you.

This is really the crux of it.



The way that you describe the evening going badly was that he started criticizing you. And that it got to you. What are you guilty of? Not being perfect?

I really suggest marriage counseling. I know you are going to say that you can't afford it, but because he will not hear you when you tell him how he makes you feel, you are walking on eggshells afraid to say you had a rough day (with a baby and a 4 year old), and his way of dealing with stress is to make you feel like sh*t about yourself, in the long run, if you guys don't fix these problems, your marriage doesn't have a future.

Part of the problem is that he lacks the skills for you guys to talk about what is going on and how to move forward.
As far as personal growth, I think all you can do in this situation is learn to draw boundaries and learn to hold your center regardless of what is going on with him.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-01-2014, 12:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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As far as personal growth, I think all you can do in this situation is learn to draw boundaries and learn to hold your center regardless of what is going on with him.
This is definitely what I'm learning to do. I'm not that great at it yet, but it seems that even changing my own attitude towards these situations is helping. By learning to see my own worth, rather than measuring it by anyone else's standards, I've found I can go from feeling like the crud you scrape off the bottom of your boots to a full-fledged woman and mother deserving of respect, within just a few hours.

Standing up for myself in this way is not something I'm used to, but I do see that it is necessary for me to do so in order to have a healthy marriage and family. I know this is a priority for both of us, though it tends to be clouded by the stresses of life and one's own automatic thinking.

My husband is actually a very mature man who is loving towards his family, never aggressive with the children, never violent towards anybody. I have to be very mindful of everyone's feelings (including my own) and pursue change in a peaceful way. I read somewhere about being "quietly effective", and that really rings true for me and my own personality. I want our marriage to last, even though I can't, and don't really want to, change his personality.


You can probably tell I'm not feeling quite so rotten today. Thanks to your very thoughtful replies, I'm feeling much better about myself and my capabilities as a woman, wife and mother!

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Old 10-01-2014, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I had a whole other post typed up with tips on communication and organizing house work when I realized something. You feel guilty when he criticizes you.
I am HAPPY to receive any advice at all in that vein! Advice is somehow different from criticism.

In fact, I have a thread, Home, Filthy Home..., addressing the housework end of things.
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Old 10-01-2014, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops, duplicate post. My browser's acting up!

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Old 10-03-2014, 05:57 PM
 
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You express yourself very well in writing! And you seem to have a clear sense of yourself and your feelings and the situation. I think you have identified the key points- your husband is a good guy and you want to stay married to him. He has a specific fault (of being a perfectionist and critical and not helping enough), and you are learning how to respect yourself more even when he is critical. It is still a challenge but I think you have the right mind set. You are changing what you can ( your reaction to it by having more self confidence and knowing you are doing a great job). And you are trying to communicate better. Sounds like you are on the right road. And yes, continue to respect yourself. continue to recognize your dh's faults - and to see that he should be better about that, and that you deserve respect.
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Old 10-04-2014, 01:38 PM
 
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I think talking to him in a completely neutral moment about the fact that he is sometimes critical of you, and that it just isn't working for you any more, could help.

Then, when he starts being critical, point it out, and change the conversation. Try to be an emotional-less as possible. This isn't about you. This is what is inside of him, and you just happen to be the person there that it gets pointed at.

Depending on how he responds to changing the rules, you'll learn a lot about your relationship. If he understands that this is poor pattern and that he needs to change it, but finds it difficult because it is a deep pattern, the you guys can get through this.

If he think he should get to run you down and let you know all the ways in which you are a screw up, then you might want to start thinking about an exit plan.

I can see it either way -- a poor relationship pattern he learned that he needs to grow past, or emotional abuse that will wear you down unless you get out of the relationship.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-04-2014, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks very much to both of you for your insights and support! I'd like to give you a response and an update, but it may have to wait a couple of days. I'd like to put some thought into my reply, but there are too many people around here right now. Stay tuned!
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Old 10-08-2014, 11:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the other night he had the chance to calmly talk to me about what he's going through right now.
The main issue is that he is feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and physically sick (he's caught this awful cold virus that the whole family has had). I have as much of a communication problem as he does. I may be good at writing, but I'm terrible at talking. I can't find the words to get my point across, especially when I'm worried about causing a fight.
I don't think he's ever had to experience staying in a relationship when things got emotionally difficult. He would just leave, but with me, he's stayed. That, at least, might be a reflection of our commitment to each other. Hopefully we can find a way to make it through in the long run.

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Old 10-12-2014, 07:32 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-28-2014, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to let you know, things aren't so bad after all. DH and I have made up and I think our relationship is going to be all the stronger for it. Thanks for all your advice and support. I feel like a stronger woman too. However, since this is a public forum, I've become concerned over revealing too much personal information and I'm going to either edit or delete my previous posts. I just want to protect my family's privacy. I received the advice and support I've needed, but I do wish I'd had access to a more private forum to talk.
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Old 10-29-2014, 06:18 AM
 
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That's understandable, take good care of yourself
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