Originally Posted by LTurtle
I also see no reason to tell her of your romantic feelings. What will that accomplish? You may feel good having unburdened yourself, but at the expense of burdening her with the information about your attraction.
...Unless you want to act on your attraction to your friend I do not think you should tell her of your feelings. It will only make your relationship more difficult, and possibly end it, depending on her response.
I am also married to a man, and attracted to women, with no intention of straying.
Telling this woman will, at best, just screw up your friendship with her and create a lot of drama. At worst, it could cause tremendous marital problems. It also could ruin your reputation in your neighborhood.
I'm bi and married to a man whom I'm faithful to.
Being honest with yourself doesn't require saying anything to her, and we need to be wise in what we share with others. Telling ALL isn't the definition of honesty -- its actually quite dysfunctional and immature. The highest moral is non-harming, the second is honesty. Rather than focusing on being honest, focus on how to handle this situation without hurting anyone.
Unless you are and your husband are ready for an open relationship, you are both kidding yourselves that two women being involved with each other is anything less than two adults in a sexual relationship. It isn't less of a relationship because no penis is involved. I suspect that the reason your husband is OK with it is because, like a lot of men, he doesn't understand the difference between his lesbian fantasy and the reality of his wife having a lover who isn't him. Would he also be OK if you had a man in your life who met many of your emotional needs who you felt a strong attraction too? Or would he take it as a wake up call that he needed to be a better partner, friend, and lover to you? Relationships are just relationships, and if you guys don't realize that until after you have a lover on the side, it could be too late to save your marriage.
I'm sure some one will come along and say I'm old fashioned and that it's great to be poly. But neither of you are being honest with yourselves that this is a pandora's box that you are opening.
Realistically, you are totally hot for this woman, and if you tell her and she WANTS to be involved with you, you will go for it. You really are in denial that if you tell you, she will have a response, and then you will have a response to her response, and the whole thing will end in a very different place. You will not have control over the ending.
And that could take you, your spouse, and your kids on a roller coaster ride with god only knows what ending. If your current home life is something you are fine with gambling with, then sure, tell her. Otherwise, get focused on what matters to you in life.
You and your husband could choose to work on your marriage, which clearly doesn't work for you in fairly fundamental ways. In the short run, that option is more work and less fun. In the long run, the pay offs are much greater.
The real thing you could choose to be honest about is that fact that your husband doesn't meet many of your emotional needs, which is why you feel attracted to another person in the first place. It's not about the gender. It's about being heard, understood, and encouraged.