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#1 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
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Unhappy Worried about my life post pregnancy.

Hello, I am very hesitant to post because I have had people tell me "We're happy, you don't belong here." before and it's not a nice feeling. But I'm feeling lost right now, and was googling places to talk, figured I might as well give it one last try.

I found out I was pregnant at almost 12 weeks. I'm 17 weeks now. Clearly, my husband and I were not trying, otherwise I would have known earlier. It was, and still is, a huge shock to me. I'm not as happy or excited as my husband. In fact, I haven't really been happy at all.

I have been in bed sick this week, which has given me time to dwell on things I dread. Namely, life after pregnancy. I have chronic degenerative myopia. I was diagnosed at 16. At this point in my life, I am legally blind. I have no night vision, very little peripheral vision. I cannot drive. My reaction time is terrible. My balance is also terrible.

A good point of our marriage has been that my husband wants to take me traveling when he can. When he travels for business, I'd sometimes go too. He would make sure I would get to see and do things I probably won't get to do again. He is a very sweet man, and there's also a part of me that does not want to share. He also takes me on trips just because. So I can do what I'd like.

And I cannot see any way around it with a baby. I won't get to travel or do what I want to with a screamy, needy baby in tow. Places I want to go are not really that great to take crying babies. I don't want to travel with a baby.

We agreed on having kids. After I got to see and do the things I wanted to. But now this has totally ruined everything for me. What little I had.

So, I don't know if posting this was worth it or not. I don't know exactly what sort of input I need, but I just don't know what to do with myself so I don't know what to "ask" for.
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#2 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 01:06 PM
 
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I thinkyour feelings are very understandable. You had plans for your life while you can still see somewhat, and now your plans are changing, and that's rough. Of course you are grieving the loss of the life you had planned. In some ways it is like a loved one dying suddenly.

Please seek out a counselor who can help you work through your feelings before and after the baby is born. Your midwife or doctor might be able to recommend someone who specializes in prenatal counseling.

Is there a grandma, aunt, someone like that who could travel with you and take care of the baby while you go into places that are not baby friendly? You may be able to go more places than you think if you have help.

I don't know if this helps at all, but by having a baby now, you will have more time when you can see your child's face....

Early pregnancy can be a time of sad, doomed, trapped feelings even under the best of circumstances. I hope you will find help of all kinds and positive angles so that eventually you will be more able to enjoy your life the way it turns out. :

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#3 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
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I thinkyour feelings are very understandable. You had plans for your life while you can still see somewhat, and now your plans are changing, and that's rough. Of course you are grieving the loss of the life you had planned. In some ways it is like a loved one dying suddenly.

Please seek out a counselor who can help you work through your feelings before and after the baby is born. Your midwife or doctor might be able to recommend someone who specializes in prenatal counseling.

Is there a grandma, aunt, someone like that who could travel with you and take care of the baby while you go into places that are not baby friendly? You may be able to go more places than you think if you have help.

I don't know if this helps at all, but by having a baby now, you will have more time when you can see your child's face....

Early pregnancy can be a time of sad, doomed, trapped feelings even under the best of circumstances. I hope you will find help of all kinds and positive angles so that eventually you will be more able to enjoy your life the way it turns out. :
No, there's no one that I would want to travel with me, or that would be able to travel with me if I wanted them to.
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#4 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 01:26 PM
 
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Your feelings are normal and natural! You have plans for your life... when you get a baby you need to forget about your life and live the baby's life. it is scary... but all of my friends who have babies told me that when you take your baby for the first time you forget about everything!! all around you disappears! all of your dreams and desires disapears! you understand that this baby is the most important in your life. and from now on you do not need anything except of this little screaming baby. he or she is the part of your heart and the biggest part of you life! So do not be afraid of changing your life, because now you are about to start completely new and ineresting life) wish you all the best dear! be happy! and wish your family happiness as well:-)
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#5 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
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Your feelings are normal and natural! You have plans for your life... when you get a baby you need to forget about your life and live the baby's life. it is scary... but all of my friends who have babies told me that when you take your baby for the first time you forget about everything!! all around you disappears! all of your dreams and desires disapears! you understand that this baby is the most important in your life. and from now on you do not need anything except of this little screaming baby. he or she is the part of your heart and the biggest part of you life! So do not be afraid of changing your life, because now you are about to start completely new and ineresting life) wish you all the best dear! be happy! and wish your family happiness as well:-)
I don't know if you meant to be helpful or not, but that is entirely what I don't want.
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#6 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 05:30 PM
 
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Not trying to be a Pollyanna . This is a very rough situation and I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm wondering why you are assuming traveling with a baby is impossible ? Yes, when the child is a new born it is no doable. However, I've traveled a lot and seen tons of families with babies. Many with babies and a toddler. I have seen them in places where you wouldn't expect children like museums and historic sites. Look at the celebrities that take their kids all around the world. Yes, they've got nannies ,but those little ones are still flying on planes and going out sight seeing. If travel means this much to you then do everything in your power to make sure it continues. Is this the only thing that is troubling you ? Do you want to be a mother in general ? It sounds like the news was a huge shock and you are still processing things. I agree that it might help to talk to someone to sort things out in your mind. I am sorry you are going through this, how difficult and scary.

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#7 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 07:04 PM - Thread Starter
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Not trying to be a Pollyanna . This is a very rough situation and I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm wondering why you are assuming traveling with a baby is impossible ? Yes, when the child is a new born it is no doable. However, I've traveled a lot and seen tons of families with babies. Many with babies and a toddler. I have seen them in places where you wouldn't expect children like museums and historic sites. Look at the celebrities that take their kids all around the world. Yes, they've got nannies ,but those little ones are still flying on planes and going out sight seeing. If travel means this much to you then do everything in your power to make sure it continues. Is this the only thing that is troubling you ? Do you want to be a mother in general ? It sounds like the news was a huge shock and you are still processing things. I agree that it might help to talk to someone to sort things out in your mind. I am sorry you are going through this, how difficult and scary.
It will be impossible because I won't get to go where I want, do what I want. I don't want to take a baby with me at all, so that means no more travel. My husband seems to have no plans to leave it out of anything.
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#8 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 08:02 PM
 
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You sound really miserable about being pregnant. That might be because you are experiencing pregnancy-related depression and anxiety, or it might be because you really don't want to be pregnant. Pregnancy is not mandatory, by the way. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you are required to stay that way, or that you are required to raise a child (although I cannot speak to what options and resources are available to you, or what effect choosing not to parent might have on your marriage to someone who is delighted that you are expecting a baby). You need a therapist, as fast as you can get one. Do you have a midwife or OB? Can someone get you an emergency referral?

One thing that concerns me is the rigidity in your thinking. You won't be happy, because you won't get to go where you want or do what you want. You won't get to go where you want, because you don't want to take a baby. You neither want to give up traveling, nor take a baby traveling with you. There is no one who could travel with you, and no one who could stay home with your child. If you were six, I would send you to the garden to eat worms. You are not six, and this isn't a case of laughable sulks, but you're painting yourself into a tiny, unpleasant corner of your head. You need help getting out.

I don't always get to go where I want to do what I want, but I didn't always get what I wanted before children either. Each stage in a child's growth imposes different restrictions on caregivers, but all the stages are transient. There are possibilities you are not seeing, and that a good therapist might be the best person to help you to consider.
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#9 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 08:29 PM
 
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It will be impossible because I won't get to go where I want, do what I want. I don't want to take a baby with me at all, so that means no more travel. My husband seems to have no plans to leave it out of anything.
It sounds like you could take the baby with you,but you simply don't want to travel with a baby. It seems that this goes way beyond you being able to travel and has more to do with you not being comfortable with becoming a mother. The poster above makes some good points. I think it is essential that you talk with a therapist ASAP. Maybe something to think about and talk about with a therapist is what outcome you are looking for here. Do you want to be a mother and If so what can you do to make that experience the most positive one possible. , You seem so distressed, my heart goes out to you.

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#10 of 87 Old 11-28-2014, 10:09 PM - Thread Starter
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It sounds like you could take the baby with you,but you simply don't want to travel with a baby. It seems that this goes way beyond you being able to travel and has more to do with you not being comfortable with becoming a mother. The poster above makes some good points. I think it is essential that you talk with a therapist ASAP. Maybe something to think about and talk about with a therapist is what outcome you are looking for here. Do you want to be a mother and If so what can you do to make that experience the most positive one possible. , You seem so distressed, my heart goes out to you.
Taking the baby with me would be me and a baby in a hotel room, barely different than me being home with it. I rarely get to do anything other than be at home as it is.
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#11 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:13 AM
 
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First, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Second, I think @MeepyCat makes some really good points and I hope you will consider them. Third, I'm not sure what kind of input you're looking for exactly so please disregard what I have to say if it is not helpful.

I am not in your situation, but I have had some similar experiences that may allow me to understand a bit. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was using birth control pills and had recently changed prescriptions. I put any symptoms down to my body adjusting and didn't realize I was pregnant until 12-13 weeks. DH (then BF) and I only began dating about 6 weeks before she was conceived! We were not overjoyed, and that's an understatement. I've learned since then that it is very common for women who are recently pregnant, even ones who were trying to conceive, to feel unhappy about the pregnancy. Or a host of other feelings besides the cultural script of blinding happiness. For the most part it seems that these feelings fade, or are dealt with adequately, by the time baby arrives. It's still worth checking in with your care provider about though, and talking to a counselor or trusted mentor.

About 6 years ago (when DD was four years old) I was single, working and going to school full time. I kept getting sick and was having horrible headaches. It turns out I have MS and my vision has been deteriorating since then. I can no longer drive safely or read comfortably (sometimes if the print is large enough I can). It is obviously not the same as what you're dealing with, but I do have experience parenting with (and without) visual disability. There are challenges you will face that other parents don't, but overall I think parenting will be totally doable and not substantially harder for you than a sighted person. Parenting is hard for everyone.

You are right that you will no longer be able to live your life just the way you have been. But if I may be blunt without being rude, you are wrong that you will not be able to do the things you want to do or enjoy any of the same activities you do now. I was kind of a wreck in some ways, but at my sickest I was still able to parent my daughter singlehanded and have something of a life. (not gonna lie, it was really effing hard) If I can do that, you can parent through whatever difficulties your circumstances present you with should you choose to do so. Now I am a stay-at-home-mom of two with a caring partner. There are things I can't do at all, or can't do alone. Most of the things that are important to me I find a way to do. I take the kids out by myself regularly using public transportation, we go to the library, farmers market, grocery store, various parks. Other activities we save for days when DH is not working. Usually we can only travel all together, but recently I took a couple trips with the kids and without DH (he had to work). On one my dad went with us, and my best friend was there for another. I was surprised how well those trips went (including flying cross country with a toddler), I had thought it would be harder than it was.

If you choose to continue your pregnancy and parent this child, I think you will find your reality much rosier than you expect it to be. Whatever your choice, I hope it brings you happiness.

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#12 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 09:56 AM - Thread Starter
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First, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Second, I think @MeepyCat makes some really good points and I hope you will consider them. Third, I'm not sure what kind of input you're looking for exactly so please disregard what I have to say if it is not helpful.

I am not in your situation, but I have had some similar experiences that may allow me to understand a bit. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was using birth control pills and had recently changed prescriptions. I put any symptoms down to my body adjusting and didn't realize I was pregnant until 12-13 weeks. DH (then BF) and I only began dating about 6 weeks before she was conceived! We were not overjoyed, and that's an understatement. I've learned since then that it is very common for women who are recently pregnant, even ones who were trying to conceive, to feel unhappy about the pregnancy. Or a host of other feelings besides the cultural script of blinding happiness. For the most part it seems that these feelings fade, or are dealt with adequately, by the time baby arrives. It's still worth checking in with your care provider about though, and talking to a counselor or trusted mentor.

About 6 years ago (when DD was four years old) I was single, working and going to school full time. I kept getting sick and was having horrible headaches. It turns out I have MS and my vision has been deteriorating since then. I can no longer drive safely or read comfortably (sometimes if the print is large enough I can). It is obviously not the same as what you're dealing with, but I do have experience parenting with (and without) visual disability. There are challenges you will face that other parents don't, but overall I think parenting will be totally doable and not substantially harder for you than a sighted person. Parenting is hard for everyone.

You are right that you will no longer be able to live your life just the way you have been. But if I may be blunt without being rude, you are wrong that you will not be able to do the things you want to do or enjoy any of the same activities you do now. I was kind of a wreck in some ways, but at my sickest I was still able to parent my daughter singlehanded and have something of a life. (not gonna lie, it was really effing hard) If I can do that, you can parent through whatever difficulties your circumstances present you with should you choose to do so. Now I am a stay-at-home-mom of two with a caring partner. There are things I can't do at all, or can't do alone. Most of the things that are important to me I find a way to do. I take the kids out by myself regularly using public transportation, we go to the library, farmers market, grocery store, various parks. Other activities we save for days when DH is not working. Usually we can only travel all together, but recently I took a couple trips with the kids and without DH (he had to work). On one my dad went with us, and my best friend was there for another. I was surprised how well those trips went (including flying cross country with a toddler), I had thought it would be harder than it was.

If you choose to continue your pregnancy and parent this child, I think you will find your reality much rosier than you expect it to be. Whatever your choice, I hope it brings you happiness.
Tell me about it. I can't find anywhere online for anyone like me. Everyone's just elated and over the moon and don't care if other people don't feel that way.

Look, I see posting my story, or trying to, still doesn't cover everything. We don't have public transport. I don't live in a huge city with taxis or buses. There is nothing like that here. I have had to wait six days before telling people I need to go to the post office before someone decides to take me, or wait until someone "feels like it" to get me to the grocery store. Doesn't matter how bare the pantry is, they take me when they want to.
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#13 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:06 AM
 
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Ambiguity about parenthood gets repressed really badly. I frequently hear people castigate others for talking anything but positively about their pregnancies or children - everything lives forever on the internet! Your kid will find that and then how will they feel!

Here's my opinion: Pregnancy and birth are huge transitions in parents' lives. Is there any transition, ever, that anyone has nothing but happy feelings about? I think it's a bad idea to broadcast to the internet that you sometimes hate your existing child, or the details of how your kid embarrassed you at the mall, but there's a level of non-specific anxiety, ambiguity, fear, exhaustion, worry and emotional struggle that it's not healthy to deny. Not everyone is going to be interested in supporting you through that struggle, which is why I am so strongly in favor of a therapist.

I'm also in favor of social services. Lei, you need them so badly. What's available for blind people in your neck of the woods? I don't 100% believe there are no taxis where you are - I grew up in the deep, dark suburbs, with no sidewalks even, and there were local taxi services. Their bread and butter was running people to the airport, but they'd pick you up and take you to the doctor if you paid them. How about grocery delivery services? Does your regular doctor or OB have any thoughts about what resources might be available to you?

I would be just about climbing the walls if I had to wait for someone to feel like taking me to the grocery store, and that's without considering having to wait for someone to feel like running that errand while my kids went hungry. So at the very least, I think you have to have a come to Jesus talk with your partner about what your life is like, and what it will be like for you to take care of a child if major changes aren't made in what resources are available to help you meet your needs in a self-determined fashion. Can he be around more? Can specific times be scheduled, at least twice a week, when someone will pick you up and run you on errands for a few hours?

Social isolation is a big problem for new parents, and it sounds like it's a huge problem for you already. I don't know what approaches to this problem would be productive for you. I will absolutely hear you out, but I cannot stress enough that you need help in your neighborhood.
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#14 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:10 AM
 
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Also remember that babies are not babies forever. Once they get old enough to play they can be a great deal of fun, and an older child who can be your eyes may actually be able to help you travel with more ease. There are bright sides to this.

My pregnancy was a surprise...not really unplanned but we had tried for so long that we had given up and started to make other plans. For the last year we've been planning a huge trip for our 10th anniversary, a 2 week Alaskan cruise. Well...by the time the season comes around again I'm going to be too pregnant to go, so there goes that idea. But it's a temporary postponement. In a few years the baby will be old enough to go with us, and it might not be the romantic getaway we'd planned but it will still be fun. Your plans may not be exactly what you wanted when you wanted but you may be surprised at how much you enjoy some of the things you didn't plan.

It does sound like you're in a very negative place and maybe not able to see any silver linings right now. I agree with others who think counseling is a good idea, at least to get a different perspective on the situation.

6/07  5/13  9/13

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#15 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
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Ambiguity about parenthood gets repressed really badly. I frequently hear people castigate others for talking anything but positively about their pregnancies or children - everything lives forever on the internet! Your kid will find that and then how will they feel!

Here's my opinion: Pregnancy and birth are huge transitions in parents' lives. Is there any transition, ever, that anyone has nothing but happy feelings about? I think it's a bad idea to broadcast to the internet that you sometimes hate your existing child, or the details of how your kid embarrassed you at the mall, but there's a level of non-specific anxiety, ambiguity, fear, exhaustion, worry and emotional struggle that it's not healthy to deny. Not everyone is going to be interested in supporting you through that struggle, which is why I am so strongly in favor of a therapist.

I'm also in favor of social services. Lei, you need them so badly. What's available for blind people in your neck of the woods? I don't 100% believe there are no taxis where you are - I grew up in the deep, dark suburbs, with no sidewalks even, and there were local taxi services. Their bread and butter was running people to the airport, but they'd pick you up and take you to the doctor if you paid them. How about grocery delivery services? Does your regular doctor or OB have any thoughts about what resources might be available to you?

I would be just about climbing the walls if I had to wait for someone to feel like taking me to the grocery store, and that's without considering having to wait for someone to feel like running that errand while my kids went hungry. So at the very least, I think you have to have a come to Jesus talk with your partner about what your life is like, and what it will be like for you to take care of a child if major changes aren't made in what resources are available to help you meet your needs in a self-determined fashion. Can he be around more? Can specific times be scheduled, at least twice a week, when someone will pick you up and run you on errands for a few hours?

Social isolation is a big problem for new parents, and it sounds like it's a huge problem for you already. I don't know what approaches to this problem would be productive for you. I will absolutely hear you out, but I cannot stress enough that you need help in your neighborhood.
If you don't believe me, you can go, but I am not lying. There is NO public transport, no taxi, no nothing. A long time ago, when I was little, there was one bus. And it closed down when I was 12 or 13. I am at the beck and call of people who seem to find it a CHORE to help me do anything, but if I fall or they see bruises, I get "You should have CALLED me."
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#16 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
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Also remember that babies are not babies forever. Once they get old enough to play they can be a great deal of fun, and an older child who can be your eyes may actually be able to help you travel with more ease. There are bright sides to this.

My pregnancy was a surprise...not really unplanned but we had tried for so long that we had given up and started to make other plans. For the last year we've been planning a huge trip for our 10th anniversary, a 2 week Alaskan cruise. Well...by the time the season comes around again I'm going to be too pregnant to go, so there goes that idea. But it's a temporary postponement. In a few years the baby will be old enough to go with us, and it might not be the romantic getaway we'd planned but it will still be fun. Your plans may not be exactly what you wanted when you wanted but you may be surprised at how much you enjoy some of the things you didn't plan.

It does sound like you're in a very negative place and maybe not able to see any silver linings right now. I agree with others who think counseling is a good idea, at least to get a different perspective on the situation.
That might look bright to you, but it isn't to me.
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#17 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:21 AM
 
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That might look bright to you, but it isn't to me.
Please get counseling. It's obvious no one on here is going to be able to help you because you're in such a place of extreme negativity that you don't even want to see a way out. You have to find a way out of the pity party or you're going to suffocate yourself in it. I'm very sorry you find this so difficult. I feel like others on this thread have tried to offer what advice we can and you don't really want to hear it so it's time to seek professional help.

6/07  5/13  9/13

Can it be? Due July 18, hoping this one is our baby!

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#18 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:24 AM
 
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Lei,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so trapped. I was not thrilled when we first found out I was expecting either, though admittedly, my situation is not as difficult as yours. It did change a lot of plans for me, though. This is our third child, and we were leaning heavily towards being done. I was excited that my kids were getting old enough to be more independent. And I was going to be able to start doing some of the things I feel like I've been missing out on the last several years. We were going to get family season ski passes, and teach the kids to ski. We were going to spend a lot of time up on the mountain this winter. I love to ski, but haven't been regularly for sometime because I have either been pregnant. or nursing, and felt bad leaving the kids behind very often, in order to go skiing. Now that I'm pregnant, that's out the window. So is the extended family Disneyland vacation that's been planned for years. It's scheduled the week I am due. I love to run, but due to extreme morning sickness, I can't stand to do it. Also, I can't go shooting with my husband (not common on this board, but I like my guns, I like target practice,) because anything over a 22 is too loud and could damage the baby's developing hearing. I just feel like everywhere I turn is another thing I can't do.


And, I agree that it's frustrating to have women be offended that I haven't been overjoyed. I'm offended that they think I have no right to my feelings. I think that it can be good to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and work through them. I didn't try to force myself to be happy about this, because that doesn't work. I have known since I was 5 weeks along, so I've had a little more time than you to deal with it, and to cope. The first thing that struck me about having another baby that wasn't negative was a picture that came across my newsfeed on facebook of a newborn baby, still covered with vernix, being nursed for the first time by his or her mother. I remembered the bond I felt with my kids when they were nursing infants, and how there is nothing like it in the world. Little by little, I'll be reminded of the good things about having a baby. And, about how the dependent baby stage is just temporary, and they eventually turn into much more independent children.


I guess my advice would be to let yourself feel your feelings. Don't force yourself to try to be happy about it. But, also, if or when a piece of light or happiness about babies, or children, or parenting happens across your path, let yourself feel that, too. You still have several more months to deal with this, and come to terms with everything. You have my sympathy and understanding. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you luck.

Melissa Wife to DH, Mom to DS (6) and DD (3) We are a homebirthing, no vax, intact, devoutly LDS happy family!


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#19 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
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Lei,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so trapped. I was not thrilled when we first found out I was expecting either, though admittedly, my situation is not as difficult as yours. It did change a lot of plans for me, though. This is our third child, and we were leaning heavily towards being done. I was excited that my kids were getting old enough to be more independent. And I was going to be able to start doing some of the things I feel like I've been missing out on the last several years. We were going to get family season ski passes, and teach the kids to ski. We were going to spend a lot of time up on the mountain this winter. I love to ski, but haven't been regularly for sometime because I have either been pregnant. or nursing, and felt bad leaving the kids behind very often, in order to go skiing. Now that I'm pregnant, that's out the window. So is the extended family Disneyland vacation that's been planned for years. It's scheduled the week I am due. I love to run, but due to extreme morning sickness, I can't stand to do it. Also, I can't go shooting with my husband (not common on this board, but I like my guns, I like target practice,) because anything over a 22 is too loud and could damage the baby's developing hearing. I just feel like everywhere I turn is another thing I can't do.


And, I agree that it's frustrating to have women be offended that I haven't been overjoyed. I'm offended that they think I have no right to my feelings. I think that it can be good to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and work through them. I didn't try to force myself to be happy about this, because that doesn't work. I have known since I was 5 weeks along, so I've had a little more time than you to deal with it, and to cope. The first thing that struck me about having another baby that wasn't negative was a picture that came across my newsfeed on facebook of a newborn baby, still covered with vernix, being nursed for the first time by his or her mother. I remembered the bond I felt with my kids when they were nursing infants, and how there is nothing like it in the world. Little by little, I'll be reminded of the good things about having a baby. And, about how the dependent baby stage is just temporary, and they eventually turn into much more independent children.


I guess my advice would be to let yourself feel your feelings. Don't force yourself to try to be happy about it. But, also, if or when a piece of light or happiness about babies, or children, or parenting happens across your path, let yourself feel that, too. You still have several more months to deal with this, and come to terms with everything. You have my sympathy and understanding. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you luck.
I had been trying to make myself be happy, because that is what people expected, in the first couple of weeks since finding out. Making myself seemed to make me feel worse. Nothing has come across my path to make me feel happy about this, and I haven't been trying to look for it because I know "you can't see the forest through the trees" or however it goes. I've been trying to find somewhere online, but I don't seem welcomed anywhere.
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#20 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:33 AM
 
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I had been trying to make myself be happy, because that is what people expected, in the first couple of weeks since finding out. Making myself seemed to make me feel worse. Nothing has come across my path to make me feel happy about this, and I haven't been trying to look for it because I know "you can't see the forest through the trees" or however it goes. I've been trying to find somewhere online, but I don't seem welcomed anywhere.
Have you tried talking to your husband? He at least knows the specifics of your situation and it's important for him to know how you are really feeling about this even though he doesn't feel the same way. He's in a position to get you some actual real life help and we aren't.

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#21 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:41 AM
 
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I don't think you're lying. I think you're feeling trapped and having trouble finding resources.

Look: for many years, it was my job to do things like find people taxi services in weird locations. This is a problem where a lot of bright people have trouble figuring out what the solution is and where to find it. People who live near you go to the airport sometimes, and they probably pay someone to drive them there. And if I was paid to help you get around town, my first step would be to find out who ran that service, call them, and ask if they could do some other car-related chores for me. If that completely failed to pan out, I'd look for a teenager with a recent drivers' license make a deal.

Resources exist. Finding them is hard. Your situation is tough. What's your plan? Sitting around thinking about how awful and impossible everything is won't help with anything, and I'm not going to encourage you in it. How do you want things to be? Once you know that, you can figure out what to do to make them that way.
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#22 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
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I don't think you're lying. I think you're feeling trapped and having trouble finding resources.

Look: for many years, it was my job to do things like find people taxi services in weird locations. This is a problem where a lot of bright people have trouble figuring out what the solution is and where to find it. People who live near you go to the airport sometimes, and they probably pay someone to drive them there. And if I was paid to help you get around town, my first step would be to find out who ran that service, call them, and ask if they could do some other car-related chores for me. If that completely failed to pan out, I'd look for a teenager with a recent drivers' license make a deal.

Resources exist. Finding them is hard. Your situation is tough. What's your plan? Sitting around thinking about how awful and impossible everything is won't help with anything, and I'm not going to encourage you in it. How do you want things to be? Once you know that, you can figure out what to do to make them that way.
Then why did you say you didn't 100% believe that? There isn't, I have looked. There is no nearby airport, closest one is an hour away. I know how I want things to be, but they're not going to be that way.
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#23 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:45 AM
 
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Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption if you really don't want to parent? I think you need to talk to your husband and figure out a way to change your situation that it won't be so bleak. If you have no resources where you live maybe it is time to move to an area where you can have resources. Don't feel bad about how you feel. I wanted my current pregnancy very much but I still find myself getting scared of all the changes that are to come. I don't think that is something you should apologize for.

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#24 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
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Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption if you really don't want to parent? I think you need to talk to your husband and figure out a way to change your situation that it won't be so bleak. If you have no resources where you live maybe it is time to move to an area where you can have resources. Don't feel bad about how you feel. I wanted my current pregnancy very much but I still find myself getting scared of all the changes that are to come. I don't think that is something you should apologize for.
My husband wants this baby. I appreciate you saying that because I am beyond sick of apologizing for how I feel.
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#25 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 11:57 AM
 
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What I hear from your posts is that you've already had to give up so much in life that most people don't, and now you fear losing what little you have left. I can see why you are not feeling happy about this pregnancy.

As a pp said, pregnancy is not mandatory. Or, you can continue a pregnancy even though your are not happy about it. There's not a right way to feel about being pregnant. I've been severely depressed through three pregnancies, even though I wanted the children. Everyone has different circumstances.

What does your husband think about having a baby? What is his plan? What is yours? It also sounds like your husband travels a lot so that when he is gone, you are dependent on others to do basic things like grocery shopping.

DD1 6/2009 DD2 5/1/2013-5/5/2013 (HIE) DS 3/2014
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#26 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:03 PM
 
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Then why did you say you didn't 100% believe that? There isn't, I have looked. There is no nearby airport, closest one is an hour away. I know how I want things to be, but they're not going to be that way.
I think you're reporting what you know and believe. You aren't telling deliberate falsehoods (that would be lying). You're reporting the information you have, which is potentially incomplete and imperfect.

The closest airport to you is an hour away. Commercial transportation services run that kind of distance all the time. Another common place to find local taxi-type services running is between assisted living facilities and the local mall. Hospitals also tend to have either cab stands, or a list of taxi services that patients can call up when they need rides.

Out of curiosity, how close to you is the nearest level III NICU? The nearest hospital with labor and delivery services of any kind? The nearest OB's office?

Do you have an appointment with a doctor for prenatal care? Because the practical issues of your daily life are going to need some consideration no matter how you move forward with this pregnancy. If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, you are going to need probably 1-2 trips into an abortion clinic. If you choose to stay pregnant, the standard schedule of prenatal visits shifts from once a month to every 2 weeks around the 7th month of pregnancy, and every week from week 35 until delivery. You need to discuss this issue with your doctor, because it's a significant barrier to medical care.
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#27 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:03 PM - Thread Starter
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What I hear from your posts is that you've already had to give up so much in life that most people don't, and now you fear losing what little you have left. I can see why you are not feeling happy about this pregnancy.

As a pp said, pregnancy is not mandatory. Or, you can continue a pregnancy even though your are not happy about it. There's not a right way to feel about being pregnant. I've been severely depressed through three pregnancies, even though I wanted the children. Everyone has different circumstances.

What does your husband think about having a baby? What is his plan? What is yours? It also sounds like your husband travels a lot so that when he is gone, you are dependent on others to do basic things like grocery shopping.
You're right, he does travel a lot. And sometimes I get to go with him, and when I do it's amazing.

It's not what he had in mind, but he couldn't be happier. He's already been making plans for a bigger car and where to put it and what to name it.
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#28 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
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I think you're reporting what you know and believe. You aren't telling deliberate falsehoods (that would be lying). You're reporting the information you have, which is potentially incomplete and imperfect.

The closest airport to you is an hour away. Commercial transportation services run that kind of distance all the time. Another common place to find local taxi-type services running is between assisted living facilities and the local mall. Hospitals also tend to have either cab stands, or a list of taxi services that patients can call up when they need rides.

Out of curiosity, how close to you is the nearest level III NICU? The nearest hospital with labor and delivery services of any kind? The nearest OB's office?

Do you have an appointment with a doctor for prenatal care? Because the practical issues of your daily life are going to need some consideration no matter how you move forward with this pregnancy. If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, you are going to need probably 1-2 trips into an abortion clinic. If you choose to stay pregnant, the standard schedule of prenatal visits shifts from once a month to every 2 weeks around the 7th month of pregnancy, and every week from week 35 until delivery. You need to discuss this issue with your doctor, because it's a significant barrier to medical care.
The nearest NICU would probably be 40 minutes away. The hospital here I don't believe has one. There is an OB in the city, but I don't go to her. I go to one in the next town over.
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#29 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:09 PM
 
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@Lei , if you are just looking for an online board where you can vent your feelings to sympathetic ears I think you've found it. We, and others, are here listening and no one is telling you to feel differently or to go away. I also don't think that anyone is accusing you of lying, but suggesting that you may be unaware of some resources to be found in your area.

We've mostly been trying to offer reassurance and practical solutions to the day to day type problems but it seems that may not be what you're looking for here. If so, please do tell us that.

I admit that I don't understand why your husband would not take you to the store, or just go himself. My husband did all the grocery shopping until recently because I was unable to. Aside from that, it does sound as though your current situation is untenable. I think you need to consider moving to a more accessible area or otherwise getting additional help if you are going to bring a child into your home. Additionally, if you are in the USA there should be social services available wherever you are and being legally blind should qualify you for them.

Before I got too sick I used to work as a home helper for a blind friend. I spent 3-4 hours once a week taking her on errands (or running them for her) and helping around her house. Maybe you could hire someone to do the same for you once or twice a week, it could make a big difference for you.

Wishing you all the best.

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#30 of 87 Old 11-29-2014, 12:16 PM - Thread Starter
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@Lei , if you are just looking for an online board where you can vent your feelings to sympathetic ears I think you've found it. We, and others, are here listening and no one is telling you to feel differently or to go away. I also don't think that anyone is accusing you of lying, but suggesting that you may be unaware of some resources to be found in your area.

We've mostly been trying to offer reassurance and practical solutions to the day to day type problems but it seems that may not be what you're looking for here. If so, please do tell us that.

I admit that I don't understand why your husband would not take you to the store, or just go himself. My husband did all the grocery shopping until recently because I was unable to. Aside from that, it does sound as though your current situation is untenable. I think you need to consider moving to a more accessible area or otherwise getting additional help if you are going to bring a child into your home. Additionally, if you are in the USA there should be social services available wherever you are and being legally blind should qualify you for them.

Before I got too sick I used to work as a home helper for a blind friend. I spent 3-4 hours once a week taking her on errands (or running them for her) and helping around her house. Maybe you could hire someone to do the same for you once or twice a week, it could make a big difference for you.

Wishing you all the best.
It's not that he doesn't do anything, but when it comes to bills or errands, he gets home so late that most places are closed. If I need something like milk, he can get it on the way home, and he tries to keep everything stocked so I don't need much, but sometimes I drop something or can't find something or run out and forget to tell him and there's no one to help.
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