does your husband look at porn? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 140 Old 12-18-2004, 06:41 PM
 
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Just want to chime in and say that everything that is legal is not neccessarily good for you. While I am happy that so many mommas feel sexualy empowered by porn on this board, but I do wonder how much of it is "what's good for the goose is good for the gander..." ? Again, just really curious.

I think that bringing up religion on this topic is opening a can of worms whether you agree or not. This thread has proven to have a very diverse group of mammas.

Again if you are not happy with porn or having problems with DH looking at it, TRY reading more about sex, sexuality and tantra in general aside from the multi billion dollar porn industry.

bah, bah black sheep....

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#122 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 12:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starlite
Yes there is. In Australia we had a federal operation targeting child pornography and paeodofiles. Normal well regaurded adults had illegal porn downloaded onto their hard drives. School teachers and principals, child care workers, doctor's and nurses people like you and me. There is proof of that, I can drag up the details of what this extensive operation uncovered and show you normal looking people, often in a position of trust and well regaurded, caught up in this scandal because their 'private business' was not legal.
This does not prove they started with LEGAL porn. You made the assertion that looking at LEGAL porn sends one down the road to ILLEGAL porn.
And there is no proof this is true. I never claimed "normal looking" people did not use illegal porn. I said that looking at legal porn between consenting adults does not automatically send one down the road to snuff films.

As to the argument about porn being addictive:
Lots of things are addictive. Something that is a casual activity for one person can be an addiction for another.
People get addicted to shopping. Should we ban that? Is it evil? There is proof that CHEESE stokes the same centers in the brain that morphine does. Should we ban the brie? Is the cheddar evil? People get addicted to food. Is it evil?

If you have an addictive personality.. or if something pushes the right (or wrong) button in your brain and psyche, you can get addicted. That does not always make the SUBSTANCE itself evil. Shopping is not evil. Yet some people get addicted to it. I accept that porn is dangerous and destructive for SOME people. However I do not accept that porn (or erotica.. since one person's erotica is another person's porn) is inherently evil.

I totally support the right of any woman.. any person.. for that matter, to be porn-free. No one should be coerced in anyway to look at it or have it in their house.

I am sorry for those of you who find it troublesome in you marriage/partnership.. however I will maintain that the problem is in the relationship, not in the pornography.

And I will not tolerate having my own sexuality, my enjoyment of erotica, labled as evil. I am a strong, smart feminist. I am completely in charge of my own sexuality. I am not anyone's victim. Nor have I been taken in by evil.
Though I have some tastes that some of you would not doubt label that way.
There are those of us who don't always want our sex mixed with sweetness and light, you know. Some of us LIKE it primal and animal. I don't think anyone has the right to judge which expressions of sexuality are appropriate for others. Only for themselves.

And again.. yes, there are things I dislike about the porn INDUSTRY. But that doesn't make all images of people being sexual evil.

I wish those of you who are struggling with this issue the best.
However, I will not wear your labels, simply because I disagree with your OVERALL judgments about porn and those who do enjoy it.
What is right for you is NOT right for me.
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#123 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 02:05 AM
 
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to the op ~ we both do. it did take me years but i've finally come to realize that nobody's body is "perfect," and my partner chose ME.

porn is... just another toy, yk?
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#124 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 02:36 AM
 
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asherah ~ excellent points!!
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#125 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 02:48 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
And I will not tolerate having my own sexuality, my enjoyment of erotica, labled as evil. I am a strong, smart feminist. I am completely in charge of my own sexuality. I am not anyone's victim. Nor have I been taken in by evil.
Though I have some tastes that some of you would not doubt label that way.
There are those of us who don't always want our sex mixed with sweetness and light, you know. Some of us LIKE it primal and animal. I don't think anyone has the right to judge which expressions of sexuality are appropriate for others. Only for themselves.
No you are not evil. I agree that not all porn is evil. Please don't feel like I am having a go at you about this. I think it's wonderful that you like erotica and I see nothing wrong with that and I would definately not label you as "evil" for it.

I would never judge another mamma for private choices and yours seem innocent enough, please don't take this wrong.

Thankyou for being broad minded enough to support those that wish to have porn free marriages - it's easy to get defensive as some mamma's who don't mind porn label us as controlling of our husbands and we feel the need to defend ourselves against these statements. I know you have never accused the 'porn free' of being controlling and I appreciate that but this discussion has gone there and all we were trying to do was offer beemamma a little support and understanding.

I appreciate your point that legal porn doesn't always lead to illegal porn - it just may for a few individuals inclined that way and the internet would make it easy for someone so inclined KWIM? Why does it exist? That's what bother's me. I am wise enough not to blame people like you for this but I do think the internet is making societies sexual deviancies a money making industry.

No offence, ok? We are not labelling you. "One man's meat is another man's poison" and this is the truth.

starlite
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#126 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 03:03 AM
 
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No offense taken, Starlite.
Just passionately expressing/defending my views.
Not angry at or offended by any one person here.
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#127 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 07:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
This does not prove they started with LEGAL porn. You made the assertion that looking at LEGAL porn sends one down the road to ILLEGAL porn.
And there is no proof this is true. I never claimed "normal looking" people did not use illegal porn. I said that looking at legal porn between consenting adults does not automatically send one down the road to snuff films.
I'm not starting anything, just want a friendly clarification. Firstly, I never "asserted that legal porn sends people down the road to illegal porn" but rather claimed that illegal porn was easy to abtain via internet and that it would not be unreasonable to asume that someone's husband would be looking at it - never did I say that every one who uses porn would end up "trolling" the net for illegal stuff. My only assertion that this is a real possibility and should make us nervous - porn is diverse from legal to illegal. Can we gaurentee our husband is only using the legal kind?

Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
I do not accept that normal people go from watching legal porn involving consenting adults to trolling the 'net for child porn.
There is absolutely no OBJECTIVE proof that this is the case.
Would just like you to define for me what you meant by the phrase "normal people" as this is a little ambigious to me. Do you mean normal looking people? Do you mean normal acting people - like priests that download illegal porn? I am sorry to misunderstand you but could you clarify what you meant by "normal people"?
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#128 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 07:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starlite
Would just like you to define for me what you meant by the phrase "normal people" as this is a little ambigious to me. Do you mean normal looking people? Do you mean normal acting people - like priests that download illegal porn? I am sorry to misunderstand you but could you clarify what you meant by "normal people"?
I mean people who are not pedophiles. And people who are not turned on by rape. People whose sexual tastes are limited to consenting adults.

I do not think people who simply like watching legal porn between consenting adults are going to be tempted by child porn or rape porn. I do not think porn is a slippery slope this way. I do not think a normal person (ie: NON-pedophile, non rape-afficianado) is going to suddenly start craving child porn simply by being exposed to legal adult porn.

And yes, I can guarentee my husband is only looking at the legal kind of porn. My husband is not a pedophile. My husband is not turned on by rape. My husband is not interested in seeing anyone hurt or killed.
If I had any doubts or questions about these things I would not be married to him. If that was even a remote possibility in my mind, I could not live with him.

If you can't trust your husband/partner not to look at child porn or snuff films.. you have problems that are waaaay beyond porn.
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#129 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 09:20 AM
 
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I'm facinated at all the threads at mdc by people that are so concerned with controlling their partners. Does he/she look at porn, how much is too much masturbation, does your partner have friend of the opposite sex. I'm married, not dead and not a ruler over my partner.
Did I totally misread this, or did the author of this statement enter into this conversation is an absolutely judgemental, condecending way?
If I'm not mistaken, this is the Grand Enterance into this discussion, and the implication is that those of us that frown upon porn have control issues...???
And then:

Quote:
porn is damaging to relationships when one person insists on making others act on their beliefs, spouse or not.
Ergo, it's only problematic when one partner has control issues?
Arduinna,
Quote:
Originally Posted by me
I have a few questions for you.
Would you have a problem with your dh:
1)Going to a strip club?
2)getting a lap dance at one?
3)recieving oral sex from a dancer?
Quote:
as for not answering your question. I did, but apparently you didn't see it.
Um, no. You didn't answer my question.
You see here for all the world to see where we draw the line.
Where do you draw the line?
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#130 of 140 Old 12-19-2004, 08:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
And yes, I can guarentee my husband is only looking at the legal kind of porn. My husband is not a pedophile. My husband is not turned on by rape. My husband is not interested in seeing anyone hurt or killed.
If I had any doubts or questions about these things I would not be married to him. If that was even a remote possibility in my mind, I could not live with him.
I think most of us would like to feel this way but the fact is that someone's husband is looking at up skirts web cams or changeroom spy cam's, even if they are not the violent type.

I wish all women who trust their husbands with internet porn could give me this same sort of gaurentee. I am pretty lucky like you because my husband is not interested in porn so I am not worried about this in my marriage. But should I find out, like beemamma did, that I was being decieved it would really rock my world too.

I agree with your points that not every one will develop a taste for illegal porn - but a few will. I'm sure most people were shocked when pedafile priests were arrested for possesing illegal porn, that is a huge betrayl of trust and I'm sure most of the people attending the sermon's would have been shocked. I mean - he posed as a "normal" person and pulled it off. It could easily be somebodies "normal" husband - kwim?
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#131 of 140 Old 12-20-2004, 02:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by subeetaho
Arduinna - you have got to take a chill pill and not be so antagonistic about something very sensitive...

I was replying to beemamas (and others) concern about her husband, and using my own experience and opinion...I don't deserve to be shredded like that and YOU need to learn some compassion!!!

It is not off topic to give backup for why a husband not honoring something that a COUPLE agreed to - is dangerous...

And I really, really resent being treated this way over something SO horrible because you cant take it that some people don't want their husbands doing it and may be worried or upset about the possibilities that pornography brings into a relationship, or into the home for that matter...yes it is easier to hide on the computer - and yes, my son was exposed by just trying to write a report for school! security ya right

If you are fine with it, fine, just back off and maybe read some other posts...like Victims of sexual abuse...and then you could foster some compassion and not be so abusive in your repsponse when it obviously doesn't concern you if you are someone who enjoys it... I said "I don't know what to say to thaos ppl who do like it..." just seems wrong to me, and I think it destroys relationships....among other things.

I have done over a year of therapy for this and other abuses, and don't deserve to be talked to like that for expressing opinion, and fact, and trying to help anyone who is having issues with porn in their marriage - because I have been there and seen what it can do if you aren't careful.

Exactly! I am shocked that some of the mommas here at MDC post the stuff they do, lacking such internet etiquite.
If you cannot debate in a healthy manor ~ Don't bother replying. Or in your words just 'Move on' .... You are losing sight of what MDC is all about. It is harsh to read about people avoiding MDC altogether due to the constant confrontational atmosphere. Step away from your computer and get some fresh air ~ outside
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#132 of 140 Old 12-21-2004, 01:11 AM
 
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Thanks for noticing... I am speaking here because this issue was inmortant and I thought that it might be valuable to share my experiences...

In addressing the concept of normal - my exdh was very normal, and the pron thing started out very normal, at least what I saw of it. How much of it was him, well, that's for him and his court ordered therapist to work out. But how much of it WAS the industry?? I saw those ads in the mags and even online at his fave webcam site, promoting the barely legal thing and then getting more risky from that... I dunno where he stopped being "normal"...wish I did, maybe I wouldn't have married him? or had babies ?
who knows, maybe it was latent and having a daughter just triggered something in his past... too deep to know, and not mine to figure out. Sorry to just condemn porn - maybe I am still raw from the whole affair - but I do know that the images aren't something I'd want to see - and had a hard time removing from my brain. that scares me ~that something can lodge itself in your mind like that.

for what it's worth, I love jean M Auel and Anais Nin too...but that doesn't even come close to the graphic things displayed on the net, or just in film. I just have a weak stomach there i guess...

again, thanks for just listening here ladies, i need to know that its not normal, cuz at this point I guess I thknkall men are just closet porn addicts.!
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#133 of 140 Old 12-31-2004, 08:05 AM
 
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I don't look at porn and he dosen't look at porn.

Unless we are together.
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#134 of 140 Old 03-14-2005, 06:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taralee
hi all, i was wondering how many of you out there have husbands, partners that look and like porn on web or magazines? and do you mind them doing it honestly?
does it make you feel self conscious with your own body?
i found tits typed in search on my computer, and i have very very small ones, which i am not real happy with, i know that is my own problem, but this has stirred me up intensly and i am unsure what now?
how do other women stand tall with hteir own unperfect bodies while their partners look at other hot women ?
My xh looked at Playboy, Hustler etc. When he went to work i would get his magazines out and look at them and cry myself back to sleep b/c i didn't look like those women. I dyed my hair blond (looked awful) and was saving up for breast implants. I always felt he was looking over my shoulder for someone "better" than me (i.e. someone off the Playboy assembly-line). A couple of years into our marriage i stopped looking at all men's and women's magazines and basically began to develop my own power. Which ultimately resulted in my leaving him.

My dh does not look at porn at all; he feels the same way about it as i do. Although i did make some sexy pics of myself for him to look at while he was away at sea -- he is in the Navy. It is funny, so many guys in the Navy use porn but my sweet dh is always telling them about the negative effects etc. I don't think any of them listen but he doesn't give up trying!
He has been the only man in my life to truly make me believe i am beautiful. His love and the security he gives me have really allowed me to blossom as a woman who has confidence and power of her own.
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#135 of 140 Old 03-14-2005, 09:24 PM
 
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how do other women stand tall with hteir own unperfect bodies while their partners look at other hot women ?
i'm imperfect...

and i'm also a hot woman! :: flex flex ::

:: rowWWRR ::
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#136 of 140 Old 03-14-2005, 09:35 PM
 
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Honestly, no man can "make" me feel I am beautiful. Just as no man can make me feel I am not. I know it's a cliche, but it's true, it has to come from inside me.
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#137 of 140 Old 03-15-2005, 01:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by guerrillamama
Honestly, no man can "make" me feel I am beautiful. Just as no man can make me feel I am not. I know it's a cliche, but it's true, it has to come from inside me.
Of course, you're right. But environment can make all the difference. For me, a good analogy is a flower. Of course it is already beautiful, even closed up, but it needs the warmth and encouragement of the sun on its petals to unfurl them and truly blossom to its full potential. My xh was like frostbite to my heart. My dh, on the other hand, provides me with the sunshine i need. So, yes, it's my beauty, my potential, but dh has given me the freedom to realize it.
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#138 of 140 Old 03-15-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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Zipporah, that was really beautifully said. I'm so happy for you.

(and, just to stay on-topic, I would suggest that this is about the man, not the porn -- it is possible for a man who is into porn to have the same effect as your dh, or for a man who is not into porn to have the same effect as your xh.)
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#139 of 140 Old 03-27-2005, 06:22 PM
 
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My DH never looked at porn unless he watched a video with me...

He told me that he subscribed to Playboy magazine while in the service, and he hated the fact that EVERYBODY read it before he did...it was always in tears when he finally got his magazine.
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#140 of 140 Old 03-29-2005, 08:39 PM
 
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Yes. We both do. I see nothing wrong with it as long as it is with consenting adults of consenting adults.
If your SO is doing it behind your back, or you find yourself trying to put together a plan on how to bust him/her or you begin fishing around on their computer, then your problem obviously isn't just the porn. Just my .2
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