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#1 of 140 Old 11-09-2004, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi all, i was wondering how many of you out there have husbands, partners that look and like porn on web or magazines? and do you mind them doing it honestly?
does it make you feel self conscious with your own body?
i found tits typed in search on my computer, and i have very very small ones, which i am not real happy with, i know that is my own problem, but this has stirred me up intensly and i am unsure what now?
how do other women stand tall with hteir own unperfect bodies while their partners look at other hot women ?
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#2 of 140 Old 11-09-2004, 09:01 PM
 
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My dh does and it doesn't bother me at all.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#3 of 140 Old 11-09-2004, 10:09 PM
 
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i've talked to my husband about this recently.

he occasionally looks at porn on the internet, and, honestly, so do i.

i mean, this is how it is with me. i see a hot guy, and i think dirty thoughts. it doesn't really mean i don't love my husband any less, or that i'm even comparing this hot, young guy at the home depot or walking down the street to my husband.

it's totally a lust thing.

i know my dh and i were talking about this, and basicaly what i got from him is it's the same as how it works for me. it's a lust thing. any women, he looks at her *ss or her breasts and it's a reaction.

like i said, it works this way for us. when we got married 19 years ago, that was one of the things we talked about. guys look at women. i told him he could look, not touch. i mean, i look too. and like i said, it's like a completely different universe type of thing. it's something nice to look at and possibly have dirty thoughts about, but it doesn't affect what i have with my husband.

and i know for me, and this is just me, looking at porn gets me revved up for later that night with my husband. it's just a lustful thing.

i mean, i know that my dh and i talk about this so that it's not like a secret we have from each other, or are embarrassed. i know very very few men who don't look at porn.

i don't know if that helped any
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#4 of 140 Old 11-09-2004, 10:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi, thanks for your perspective. i agree it can be lust, but i find the fact that porn girls have big boobs and tiny tummy's, not stretch marks, i feel not up to par, less sexy if i know he has those images in his head. i want to be the best, but surgury could only change me physically, i already work out three times a week to help the rest of my body.
he knew i have been ultra self concious of my breast this last month and then he looks at better ones... i can't get over it, i feel hurt. almost like i was cheated on. i want to learn how to not care, i f he looks at it. i take it so personally. i would take his lusty attention any day, and he chooses to give his energy to something bustier and untouchable? i don't get it. i envy you girls who don't mind. it save me from this stressful hurt i feel.
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#5 of 140 Old 11-09-2004, 11:15 PM
 
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yeah, i understand.

have you talked to your husband about how you feel? i mean i think it's important to have a open communication line with your husband, especially on the subject of sex. you should tell him how it makes you feel. he probably doesn't even realize that that's how you feel about it. i mean, he may consider that you have perfect breasts and he's just never told you.

but you should talk to him.

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#6 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:08 AM
 
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We sometimes look at it together. He's got no need to look at it alone, I'm still a hot-mama!
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#7 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:12 AM
 
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my dh does it and i have to reboot the computer almost everytime because he will download something he has no clue about then I cant erase it and it pops up when my kids are around.

YES it bothers me for several reasons 1) my dh has never in 12 years had much of an interest in sex but he will look that up 2) when i get up in the middle of the night and "catch" him, he will minimize all the boxes trying to hide what he is doing (like i dont know) 3)he has ran up cable and phone bill because of it 4) he will stay up all night on comp then want to sleep all day 5) and finally, I DONT LOOK LIKE THESE WOMEN !!!! :
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#8 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:27 AM
 
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#9 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:35 AM
 
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you could always say, "Whatcha' looking at?", a cheery voice!!

there are ways to check, but i personally think it would be better to bring it up to him. i mean, he's minimizing the screen because.....he's embarrassed, he thinks you'll get mad.....he thinks he shouldn't be looking at it? who knows.

but believe me, it's the most freeing thing in the world to be able to talk about those taboo things. i know how relieved i felt the first time my dh and i talked about it.

i figured that he looked at porn, but he didn't know that i did. so it was like, wow, something else that we learned about each other. you know? what does he look at? what do i look at? and even taralee's concerns that started this thread... does he look at certain types because he's dissatisfied with me? so we talked, i understand, he understands.

it's really pretty cool.

but yeah, jump in with both feet

or you could say, "ooh, are you looking at porn? can i see?" again, in an interested and cheery voice.

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#10 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:40 AM
 
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Hmmm...
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#11 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leomom
Sometimes when I get up at night and he is on the computer he minimizes the screen and I've always wondered if he was looking at porn but have been afraid to ask.

Anyone know how I can check that, or how I might bring it up?

I always go to start then find files and folders then type in "history" and search on my computer. the first one that pops up, double click then you can opt for what day(s) you want to look at.
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#12 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 12:55 AM
 
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well, i don't know how computer literate your husband is, but you can check the history of the browser. it's on the tool bar at the top, if you are using Internet Explorer, there's a History icon on the top, you just click that and it shows you all the pages that have been visited that day, yesterday, 2 weeks ago, (depending on the settings)

i did this when my daughter was on my computer so i could check her surfing.

now if he's knowledgable, he could be deleting the history and any other traces of where he's been. (see i know that, because i've done it myself )

maybe there's a less bold way to ask him? i mean, maybe something like, "I notice that you minimize the windows when i come in. are you looking at something that you don't want me to know about? or you think i'll be mad?" or something like that.

i mean you know how to talk to your husband. it's sort of like when you have to bring something up to him and you don't know how he will react. "oh honey, i dented the car" "i maxed out the credit card" hehe. you know?

i mean i know that communication will solve anything.
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#13 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 03:54 AM
 
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I've caught my husband looking at porn a couple of times.. gah. It makes me feel inadaquate.. I don't really have super high self esteem.. so im insecure about it.
I have a pretty healthy level of .. um.. desire. and it makes me feel crappy when i am feeling unsatisfied with our love life and he is satisfying himself by looking at porn.


This is kinda embarrasing.. But honest. hehe
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#14 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 04:26 PM
 
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i'm in the 'we look at it together' category. we watch movies sometimes. and he has a few magazines from like 1986 that he looks at.

it honestly doesn't bother me at all. i don't look like that and i don't care. i'm GLAD i don't look like that. i think its a safe outlet for him. he isn't on the computer trying to hide it from me. he isn't compulsive about it (although he did say the other day that if we got dsl he would actually use the computer. then added 'to look at porn!') its a lighthearted subject for us

i think if your hub is on the computer and trying to keep it on the downlow he might just be feeling guilty that you wouldn't think it was ok. send the message you don't care and maybe he'll be open to sharing. or just open to talk about it

it would bug me if my dh were reallllly into it. if it were a daily thing or just if his attitude was a little too into it. but i think its perfectly fine the way it is now. we rent movies once in a while and i feel like such a PERV. but i don't care
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#15 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 04:31 PM
 
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DH looks at it (and I've looked at his Playboy's too) it doesn't bother me at all.

btw my DH was doing the EXACT same thing with the minimizing the screen bit, I didn't say anything at first. but then it went on for months so I wondered out loud one day about it in a less than accusing manner. turns out he was playing pool :

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#16 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi, thanks for everyone's input. i am still a little bummed at our world and it being so normal, i still wish i was a woman that could stand tall and sexy all the time. i have days i do, but not enough. i did talk to my mate and he siad it is so personal and pleasuring himself is none of my business really, and he won't let me sensor his thoughts. so that is true, he also said i should do it to. true maybe i should, i guess it will take time to get through this one, crying the whole day yesterday and shaving my pubes into a fucked up looking bikini thing, i had no idea what i was doing just in a rage. anyway i have shifted some of the intesity. and of course we made love lastnight that was sensational so i do feel sexier already. i will say i will prepare my daughter for this, make her more aware of men, and what they like so she can get used to it, unlike me whose had no brothers and found it all shocking. i will also encourage my daughter to explore her ownself with confidence. hopefuly she will be a woman who walks tall and feels sexy inside everyday....
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#17 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 08:57 PM
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I feel really, really said reading that your answer is to prepare your daughters for the porn of the world. That's just not the lesson I want to teach my daughter, nor is it the way I want to teach my son to view women.

My dh used to look at porn. I almost left him over it. It only compounded other problems we were having, and it was turning me into a shell of a woman. Dh realized he was going to lose me so we fixed a lot of problems in our marriage, including him not looking at porn anymore.

But now I wouldn't care as much if he did look at porn, because other aspects of our marriage are so much better. So, it's a complex issue; if you're already concerned about other things, porn can really intensify the problems.

Your dh needs to really, really listen to how this makes you feel. Perhaps counseling could help you.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#18 of 140 Old 11-10-2004, 10:01 PM
 
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Not to my knowledge. I would be upset if he was, but only because that would mean he was hiding it from me.
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#19 of 140 Old 11-11-2004, 01:07 PM
 
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Well, it turns out that he was just looking for job openings and didn't want me to see all the cities where he might want to move!!! OOPS! Guess I need to get my mind out of the gutter! :
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#20 of 140 Old 11-11-2004, 01:31 PM
 
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Yes, DH looks at porn, so do I, sometimes we look at it together. I'm okay with that. We tease each other about it if one finds out what the other was looking at. We don't look at it very often together or alone. His computer time is mostly spent playing Think Tanks, which is more annoying to me than porn.
DH has a couple of "porn classics" from the 70's like "Behind the Green Door" which he prefers to the current free-for-all poor quality porn
When we were just bf and gf we picked out movies together. :
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#21 of 140 Old 11-11-2004, 07:54 PM
 
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Personally, I am pro-porn. We have watched together, we have watched/ looked at porn separately. The issue for me is when it is secretive (we made a pact when we started TTC that he would limit masturbation at certain times of the month. However, he forgot to clear the cache on his browser and I later found the porn and thought he'd been masturbating while I was about to ovulate -- we talked about it, and he reassured me he hadn't been. But at that time, it was a secrecy issue. And like I said, we cleared it up.)

Seems to me, tho, like the self-esteem issues are a bigger deal here. Does your DH tell you how beautiful you are? Do you tell yourself how beautiful you are? If not, get to it! (Remind your DH you want/ need to hear him tell you how beautiful you are...)
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#22 of 140 Old 11-11-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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DP and I bought a copy of Hustler on a long road trip about a year ago...and then we bought several more! : We both have fantasies that we could never make happen IRL, so the magazines are a nice outlet. We have also learned some new positions and techniques from the porn that we never would have thought of on our own. Sorry if TMI...

Now that I am pregnant I don't really like him looking at it on the computer too much. It doesn't make me feel inadequate, it just makes me kind of irritated that he got me pregnant and now he wants to look at non-preg chicks naked. But looking at porn with preg women would just be gross (IMO). LOL

I like porn and it has definitely opened new doors for exploration and openess in our sex life. We have DSL, so we can download movies and stuff. But from getting on those sites, now DP's email is inundated with porn ads, and that is annoying. Just checking his email he has to look at porn (he opens the messages so he can unsubscribe, otherwise, he'll have over 100 new messages a day!). I have to remind myself of this b/c a lot of the time I get irritated about the porn, he's just checking his email.

DP tells me I'm hot, not a lot, but enough. And I know I look good, and really think I look better than a lot of the girls in the porn (and by the way, i'm a bit shy of an A cup). I look this good naturally, without make up, and they have to have surgery and tons of make up to make men look at them. HAHA!!! All I have to do is walk down the street....heehee...

The only thing Dp has said in terms of changing myself that he got from the porn was doing something about my pubs (which were pretty long and unruley). So I said I'd try it, and I like it better with them gone, or trimmed! So what do you know, maybe i can take a tip from the pornstars anyway. lol

If it really bothers you, just talk to him about it. When I thought DP was looking at it too much (without me) I told him and did a little gentle teasing (i think your spending too much time with your girlfriends, etc) and he listened. One time he pleasured himself instead of GIO with me (while I was putting DD to bed) and that really pissed me off. I told him and later on we had great sex anyway!

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#23 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 02:44 AM
 
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Okay- here's a little reply from a voice of experience, but maybe not as extreme as you may think. What's really sick is how common this really is:

My EX husband not only had a porn problem (magazines, and internet use) but it led him toward looking at kids!!!! I found that his interest in young, eighteen types was upsetting cuz I was thirty... but it got worse, and I found some VERY bad things downloaded on my computer after I left him
This problem even reared its ugly head in the bedroom, he wouldn't touch me unless I put my hair in pigtials and called him daddy...(ugh needless to say there was abuse going on as well)

I had to have my 2 yr old daughter examined because the sheriff wanted to know if she had been hurt in that way... (inconclusive - we may never know)

and he still says that he was brainwashed by the ads in the magazines and the whole porn industry, and that he doesn't need therapy, he can just stop...

I don't know, but I have zero tolerance for that sort of thing now... I tried to get into it with him to soften the need, but it just gave him more excuse to be blatant with it. it is hurtful, degrading, and very abusive to everyone involved, I think it is one of the few true evils of the world... terrible stuff

sorry to come off so harsh, but it really has been something to consider...I had to do alot of talking about this in therapy, and it was never something I enjoyed, but tolerating something you are uncomfortable with for the sake of your marriage is not cool.
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#24 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 02:49 AM
 
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only with charmarty right there beside him

Seroiusly, once in a while it is good for us to pop in a video.
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#25 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 02:50 AM
 
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Wow sub, we x posted. I am sory your experience was so bad
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#26 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 03:09 AM
 
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Nope, my husband never has and he doesn't want to. We are very open about the subject, and he has told me that the porno chicks are nasty and fake, and he prefers the real thing (me). Suits me just fine.
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#27 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 03:39 AM
 
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I was wondering how any of you would handle your children looking at it...... would the ole do as I say not as I do thing apply. While I think that masturbation is perfectly normal, butI hate the porn industry( it supports drugs, alcohol, children, teens mistreatment of human beings). Just think of the college students that mess up their lives because of drinking and shagging 50 guys etc.

It does add feelings of inadequacy to many women's lives and it is the same as the fashion, makeup and beauty industry... It sells false dreams. It gives women contradictory expectations- "Eve/Mary" complex. We are suppose to nurse our babies in a g string and leather bra etc. That is what I really don't like.

Try tantra, get books, dress up , play games, but be creative with your partner don't passively let others control your sex life.

My dh and I really enjoy our sex life, maybe it is our spiritual beliefs(mutual respect for our bodies and spirits). we are not ashamed of sex, but sex sells everything in our culture did anyone ever think why is done and do we really want to have to justify it to our children?

If we are so conscious about how we nurture our children, what we feed them, if we vaccinate, co sleep and are ready to defend that at every turn, It seems odd that we would want to raise our children to accept the current status quo (everybody watches it syndrome) I hate to sound critical, but I wouldn't want my son or daughter thinking that the porn industry is okay. I don't support it because it doesn't reflect my values as a human being and feel it is unneccessary and deprives us of our own sexual creativity.

Just my $.02
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#28 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 04:18 AM
 
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lunamomma Well said!!
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#29 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 04:27 AM
 
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He looks at it and it doesn't bother me in the least. But the funny thing is that he hides it. He clears the cache and if he downloads it, he names the folders things like "system". He's a very secretive person. He also locks the bathroom door when he's in there and won't walk around the house naked either. He's an only child raised by a single mom. I guess things were just different in his house.
We sometimes make our own porn. I really don't care what other women look like. I've noticed that the women he looks at usually have something that I've got like he'll look at blondes and redheads because I'm somewhere in between or women with large behinds (because I'm pregnant and mine has gotten huge. haha). I don't feel that our sex is lacking due to his porn entertainment so it has never bothered me.
Do you feel ok bringing your feelings up to him about it? Maybe he wanted to look at tits that were the same size as yours? You don't need to feel self conscious. Most men wouldn't touch women in the porn industry with a ten foot pole if they actually saw them in person. You never know if they are the type to take care of themselves or if they are disease spreaders/carriers.
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#30 of 140 Old 11-13-2004, 05:19 AM
 
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taralee - There is no reason why you should be OK with this if you simply are not. Don't suppress yourself to please your husband - no good can possibly come of that. I find his response a little unnerving, that it's none of your business... Obviously he does not feel completely OK with it himself, otherwise there would be no need to tell you to shove off(forgive me if I'm misinterpreting). Maybe he could share with you what he gets out of porn that he doesn't get from you and maybe that could open doors to him understanding himself better.

To those mamas who are OK with their SO looking at porn, I guess if it works for you I'm not going to argue with it. But I agree with lunamomma and subeetaho (so sorry about what you've had to go thru). Sure you could watch porn and maybe even get into it and maybe that would make your husband feel more OK about his actions, but if that is going to mean stifling that little voice inside that feels yucky I say it ain't right.

I used to look at porn when I was a teenager, just finding out about sex, in fact my first exposure to sex was thru porn - isn't that sad, a completely skewed perspective on the act of making love...

My hubby does not look at porn and I'm proud to say that it disgusts him when his buddies at work talk about it. To me it's a very mature perspective and I really appreciate it because I know it's rare for a man.

I don't think there's anything *wrong* with looking at porn per se, but when you're in a satisfying relationship it certainly makes me wonder why you would want to. My previous boyfriend used to get into porn and he shared with me that it was really an addiction for him, he'd do it and then not like himself in the morning. I also think that our society does make it far too acceptable and statistics show that every pedophile, sexual sicko, etc started with a playboy...
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