Anyone else dealing with a crazy mom? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 113 Old 01-25-2005, 11:44 PM
 
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The answer is to sort things out, mostly in your head, with the one rule being Mom isn't going to change. That means accepting her where she is, seeing her limitations even if she can't or won't, and emotionally protecting yourself from the one person who you are supposed to be able to trust the most. For me personally it means little decisions- I won't drive 5 hours out of guilt to see her, knowing I will just get my feelings hurt... I will drive 5 hours if it is really what I want, and the weather is good, and it might give me a break with the kids, but never out of guilt- I will be too resentful. I don't call her when I really need someone to hold my hand and say "Its going to be ok" because I know she can't do that for me. I do call her to tell her good news, or just to vent, but not with the important stuff. And it does get easier- remember I am over 40- that is when peace with your mother gets easier, I think.

Maureen
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#92 of 113 Old 01-26-2005, 11:54 AM
 
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I can really relate to these posts in some ways, but in some ways its different. My mother isn't just crazy, shes evil and seems to have a multiple personality or two. Mother screams (in the most hateful way) for hours on end at me-she does it no matter what I do or do not do, if nothings wrong she flat out makes it up in ways that are reminiscent of the twilight zone (saying something is sitting on a counter when NOHTING is there-when you're both standing a few feet from the counter- and STICKING to it screaming about it for hours?? )

My mother has a stable job, no drugs (accept speed for a while which no one knows about) she obsessively volunteers as a charity worker and is constantly doing things for her extended family. Outside home and inside it she pretends (or goes into the personality of?) a very niave, trusting sweet person beyond what is even possible to be real-then she transforms into a beast-snarling (literally), attacking, biting (a month ago she bit me and drew blood)-she denys the really psycho stuff and blames her anger on other things when its purely related to her insanity. Immediately after attacking me and as soon as i defend myself or become really aggressive back to her she snaps into another personallity CRYING and WIMPERING and saying I'm abusing her and how could i do this-the other day she actually dropped onto the floor into a ball covering her head liek i was doing something to her and wimpering "no no please no"

I'm disabled and have no where else to live, upon arriving i have listened to constant accusations of child abuse that are psychotic fantasies in her head....as well as the constant threat that she will have me commited to a mental hospital (i have fibromyalgia and she has convinced hords of people its all in my head), she has threatoned to have me arrested for defending myself from her, threatons to make up allegations of me attacking HER and get me thrown in jail--she has money i have nothing. she has a HUGE family and they all believe her insanity, how can you blame them? she has a video camera and tape recorder as well now and goes through elaborate plots of manipulation and HORRIBLE threats, etc. to try and get me to scream cuss, push her away from me or do things that make me look crazy and then get it on tape, in fact, she already has done this acouple times.

My reactions to what i go through are normal but if you never see the attacks she does, I LOOK INSANE. I am so afraid i want to go to another state (ohio) but it would take a while after moving to get on assistance so I can't right now, i PRAY i can because my son is terrorized and i live in constant fear of her hateful realatives(some of whom i'm sure have similar psychiatric disoreders of her -8 siblings) I pray i get out of here without her coming to my house causeing me another nervious breakdown so that I AM incapable of taking care of my son, then she can call cps and i'm dead meat.
I have no car though so i'm trapped which is how she wants it...i have alot of anxiety, paranioa about people and deathlike exaustion from PTSD from her and i just hope i get out with my son someday...i'm working on filing for disability so i can get away from here and maybe recover some of my health...

yes i understand a crazy motehr....
if i were any of you, had the money, i'd just leave the state and change my name and NEVER EVER look back (as well as a restraining order)

PS I think the only way i will be able to safegaurd is if i find a way to video tape her...cause when i cut her out of my life she will immediatelly call them with all her family(who dont really know jack about it) to back her up and her tapes and who knows what else (she has tons of contacts because of the charity work she does). Anyway the only way i can prove shes a maneuevered everything (sounds paranoid) is to get a tape of her and maybe hopefully she'll bite me, scratch me again and i can take pics this tiem, i wihs i had...

its really long sorry but where else can i talk about my mult personality abuser- no one beleives me accept the ex step dad/children and my exboyfriend whom she revealed the beast to and said "no one will beleive him he doesnt even have a job"

melissa
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#93 of 113 Old 01-26-2005, 04:33 PM
 
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Wow- Melissa I am so sorry. Your situation is horrible. I have dealt with people with Multiple Personality and it is hard for anyone to believe what you are going through. I suggest you start working with a therapist or someone who can validate what you are going through just in case she ever does take this further. Are you on disability? You might qualify for housing assistance, especially if you can document your abuse. I don't think you are safe, physically and emotionally this is so hard on you. It has to make your fibromyalgia worse. I don't think proving her crazy actually gets you anything, all you need to do is get out and protect yourself. Good luck.

Maureen
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#94 of 113 Old 01-26-2005, 04:51 PM
 
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The updated term for multiple personalities is Disassociative Identity Discorder (DID). Call your county mental health department and see what they can do for you.

I worry about the safety of you and your child.

Joey
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#95 of 113 Old 01-26-2005, 07:40 PM
 
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IndianaLissa, Do file for disability and move out as soon as you can. Sounds like a nightmare.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#96 of 113 Old 01-30-2005, 02:53 PM
 
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I'm working on disability but the first step is getting a regular doctor that knows you pretty well, without insurance its a job, so thats what i'm doing now. The lawyers are very optimistic that I've spoken to. I'm on housing assistance thats why I'm able to get a place-like i said though, no car, bad neighborhood fibro and a 2 yr. old, I'll have to get rides from someone to the grocery, etc. She's and her family are the only ones around.

As to the taping, i saw i didnt explain it well....she has provoked me in seriously messed up ways then videotaped me yelling etc. arranges things to tape to make me look crazy. She says she'll use the tapes to get CPS/authorities to think i'm nuts or take my son, THATS why I wanted to get a tape of her behavior because it would show the entrapment/her abuse leading up to whatever shes taped of me.

The ex stepdad says the only way he kept her from having him and his son locked up is by getting a vidoe tape of her doing and saying something really bad 'in the bed'. Unfortunately her siblings are in high standing, ones got a husband whos a millionaire-very well connected in this city-its a bad thing for me Re her nutso crap.

The fear and hopelessness are less since I broke the silence in here thank you all for your replies.

Melissa
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#97 of 113 Old 01-31-2005, 06:23 PM
 
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The stories on here sound very familiar. While my mother has never been diagnosed (she refuses to see a doctor or therapist, claiming "I'm not crazy"), she is manipulative, narcissistic, and what I can only call flat out evil. But the big problem is she lies. She lies about little things, big things, things that aren't even worth lying about... and the more she lies, the more she seems to start believing the lie over the truth.

She claimed to have twin daughters before I was born. She said they both died of SIDS, one month apart. My grandmother confirmed it was a lie. She claimed *I* was a twin. Lie. If she has to drive anywhere, she claims that she was almost hit a hundred time before she makes it home. She says she hates driving because she once got into a huge car accident and had to be taken to the hospital on LifeFlight (where she died several times) and then she died several times on the operating table. All lies. She's claimed to have (at different times) Graves Disease, a heart defect, various cancers, leukemia, etc. She's claimed to have a brother who died in the Vietnam war. Etc. etc. etc. She's a very convincing liar, and if I dare tell someone how she is, she soon has them convinced that *I'm* the one with the problem. (Luckily my partner saw through her, although he also said at first he didn't believe me, because it all sounded "too fantastic".)

I fully comiserate with the poster who said she can't get mad at her mom, because her mom will turn it around on her. If you dare confront her about one of her lies, you'd best be ready for a huge fight. My mom says she is prettier than me, smarter than me, a better person than me (and always in the most hurtful way). After she and my father divorced, there were several things that were supposed to go to me- a car, a trust fund, some jewelry from my dad's side of the family, things like that. She took it all. She used the money to buy a house for herself and lots of black market prescription drugs, like Xanax, which she takes if she does so much as stub her toe, and marijuana. She offered once to let me use the car she stole from me, as long as I filled up the gas tank before bringing it back.

I was so angry and upset during my pregnancy, because she kept acting so falsely sweet- like offering to bring me something to eat while my partner was at work, but then she'd never show up. She'd say she would come by and we'd go shopping for baby clothes, but then call later to let me know she couldn't come because she had smoked a joint and was too stoned.

All this was bad, but the worst happened back in September. She had to go into the hospital to have exploratory surgery for one of her phantom pains. On the advice of my pediatrician, I couldn't take my then four month old daughter with me, and I didn't have a babysitter. So I told my mother before she went in that I couldn't be there, but to have my stepfather call me and let me know how it went. Three days later, after not receiving any call and calling myself several times, she somehow convinced a friend of hers to impersonate a nurse, call me, and leave a message on my voicemail saying that my mother had died. Her friend did it. As soon as I heard that message, I thought, "What if my daughter was older, and she was the one to hear this message first?" I called my stepfather, and he backed my mother up, saying that she was angry with me and that's why she had done it. I confronted her and told her it was over, that I was through playing her game, and any relationship we had was over. She said she'd have my daughter taken away if I did that. I told her to go ahead and try. Everyone on her side of the family knows the way she is, and while they just humor her and have not forced her to get help, they wouldn't stand aside and let her take my daughter awy out of vengefulness. That is my one consolation.

I've talked to my mother only once since that day. She called sometime in November, asking if I wanted to go Christmas shopping with her, like nothing had happened. I told her she had some nerve and hung up on her. Since cutting off contact with her, my life is *so much better*! I still wonder sometimes if I somehow had something to do with her condition, but the rational part of me knows it was nothing I could control.

Wow... this is long. But it feels so good to just get it out there. I normally don't tell anyone (I quit when I realized she was making me out to be the liar) because it's so embarassing, like it reflects on me somehow. I'm so glad to find I'm not the only one living with this.
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#98 of 113 Old 01-31-2005, 07:18 PM
 
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Wow. Big hugs to everyone here and congratulations...for surviving. I also thought it was just me sometimes and was jealous of all my friends (still am sometimes) with SEMI-NORMAL PARENTS and actual "childhoods"!

I have a question of a different slant for everyone. My crazy mom is not as bad as some of the situations described here - but she has caused no fewer than four family therapists to throw their hands in the air and say, No appointment necessary next week....we can't help you. All acknowledging that my sister and I are OK...it's my mother who can't take responsibility for her actions or discuss anything with reason. She's like a nuclear device in that area. As stated in other posts....this isn't going to change I'm afraid.

Anyway, several years ago, she prompted the last desperate round of therapy because she told my sister (who lives with her - long story) that she had a mass in her breast and it had been there *for several years*. Okay. Therapy fails to help her take responsibility for this, discuss it in a reasonable fashion, accept help of any kind, or address any other of her problem issues. At the time, in my rage & fear and just plain disgust at the whole rancid un-resolvable mess, I stopped talking to her for a year even though we saw each other because all three of us were involved in caring for her 85+ year old sister-in-law (another long story).

In short, my question is - does anybody have a crazy single mom with health issues of any kind **and no resources** who is bound to end up on your doorstep when a final crisis comes - simply because, good relationship or none, there's no one else to care? What are your fears and how are you dealing with them?

My mom is 74 this year, still has to work full time because she has no money and very likely enormous debts, and she is already drawing her own SS payments which are doubtless being swallowed up by my aunt's $3000+ monthly nursing home fees. Again, the story is long and sticky...but what are your situations?

Thanks for this thread. My guess from early adulthood has always been that almost everyone's mother is crazy, we just don't have a good way to talk about it publicly
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#99 of 113 Old 02-01-2005, 10:47 AM
 
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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#100 of 113 Old 02-01-2005, 02:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BalticBabe
In short, my question is - does anybody have a crazy single mom with health issues of any kind **and no resources** who is bound to end up on your doorstep when a final crisis comes - simply because, good relationship or none, there's no one else to care?
You inspired me to start a related thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?p=2607177

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After 4 m/c, our stillheart.gif is here!

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#101 of 113 Old 02-02-2005, 12:37 PM
 
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I Divorced my parents a year and a half ago. NO Contact. Dh dumps her crazy mail.
I wanted to see it the first 6 montths or so. Now I'm not even tempted. If I see her handwriting at my kids house etc. I don't even look. "Don't pet a burning dog" we say in our domestic violence recovery group.

They are both sick and crazy.

It was too long in coming. Im 45!

Not easy, sometimes complicated, sometimes lonely, ALWAYS SAFE, pretty happy,no longer suffering in the relationship. It would be nice to find a nice surrogate mom for me/us.

Interesting how I discovered my passive-aggressive ex husband always took me there and never protected me, that's how HE abused me.sick,sick,sick, I'm SO over it!!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaahhhoooooooooooooo

peace be with you all , you do not need it.
Love and Hugs

Colleen
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#102 of 113 Old 02-02-2005, 12:38 PM
 
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PS.you do not need crazy mom relationship.
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#103 of 113 Old 02-12-2005, 11:47 PM
 
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My mother is certifiable, I am sure.

She is a drama queen and likes to have all attention drawn to her.

I was the oldest of the nine children, and she trained me to be the second moma. I really had no childhood. She would leave me home with everyone when I was eight - there were five of us then. A tall order for an eight year old.

When DH and I married, we went to my sister's parent conferences because she refused to go. It was really worthless for us to do this, but I wanted my sister to know that someone cared about her.

I mentally decided that she is dead. I have no mother. She did many good things, but as far as I am concerned, she is now dead and can hurt me no longer.

My children do not know her. She always felt that she is too young to be a grandmother (she was 46 when my first child was born). She made no effort to ever get to know my children or any of her other grandchildren. My children are extremely angry when they see their friends' grandparents take them away for the weekend or summer, or simply teach them simple like baking, carpentry, papercutting, or gardening.

Yet, I feel she did them a big favor when she stayed away.

G-d works in strange ways.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#104 of 113 Old 05-01-2005, 08:51 PM
 
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Bump

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#105 of 113 Old 05-02-2005, 03:05 PM
 
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Well thanks for the bump TB.. After not seeing my mother in about a year.. I saw her last Wed. My gpa (her dad) lives in Seattle WA now near my aunt.. He's doing FABULOUSLY.. He came to Iowa to visit.. So they had a big lunch and we went to go see him.. My mother was there..

I was a bit concerned about it.. But I decided she really wouldn't do anything infront of all this family.. She wouldn't want all the "witnesses" KWIM.. And it was ok..

I loved seeing my gpa.. It was really nice..

I felt like I SHOULD have felt something and didn't.. The only thought I had is .. Huh.. Her hairs getting long.. That was it..

I didn't feel.. Anything really. Not love.. Not pity.. Not.. ANYTHING.. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.. SHOULD i feel something?? : I feel like i should feel something about it.. But I just don't..

I think this no communication except by mail is working well..

Warm Squishy Feelings..
Dyan

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#106 of 113 Old 05-02-2005, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think you should feel what you feel, KWIM?

I haven't posted here in a looonnggg time, even though I started this thread, because I still have communications with my mom. I see her about once a week. I'm attempting to learn to be around her without letting her upset me. She has lots of great qualities, and I don't think I could ever shut her out completely- or want to.

One thing this thread has shown me is that there are lots of Mamas dealing with these issues. And that there are lots of Mamas that have it worse (with respect to mothers) than I do. Hugs to all of us.

At least we can be proud that we're all working to break the cycle and make sure our children don't have to deal with these issues.
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#107 of 113 Old 05-02-2005, 06:41 PM
 
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OK...I need to be added to the child of a whacked out mom. My story is probably one that some of you are familiar with...I'll come back and post it since I'm cooking dinner right now...However I've griped about it MANY times on my LiveJournal...I may copy and paste in here...lol

to you, ladies...I'm in a grieving process right now about my mother...I'm coming to terms with the fact that she will never be the mother I need.

Jenn - Mom, Photographer, Barista 

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#108 of 113 Old 05-05-2005, 01:05 AM
 
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, yes right here, a victim of a lifetime of battle fatigue..:

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#109 of 113 Old 05-08-2005, 05:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamasoulsista
I've been looking for you (or any other woman who has this type of mother). I'm 35 and have been in therapy since I left home at 18 to try to figure out why my mother hates me and loves my brother. I'm older by 5 years, and basically acted like his mother because our family life made me the one in charge and then I'd get screamed at for acting like his mother. CRAZY!!
OMG! You're my alternate universe twin! <LOL!>

Well, okay, not quite... I was in therapy since age 12 or so (not counting regular sessions with school counselors from age 8), I have a 5-years-younger sister, not a brother, but otherwise... very similar ;->

Quote:
Anyway, my current therapist identified that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. She gave me a book to read that explained the dx and there are 4 prototypes ( I think) and she is defnitely the "queen."

Does your mom have this too?
my mother has no diagnosis (that I'm aware of) but she's crazy as a bedbug.
(See: I'm not equating mental illness with "crazy" I'm calling a persistent and willful pattern of irresponsible, manipulative, destructive behaviors "crazy")

[quote] It's so hard to have a women who is highly functional, very intelligent and everyone loves her on the outside, and they think I'm selfish, and awful for not talking to my mother for periods of time. She's so manipulative, cruel, entitled, and ALWAYS the victim of problems in every relationship. [/wuote]

Sing it, sister! My mom is a very intelligent (like, genius-type) and *hugely* well respected computer-geek who is dearly loved and respected by co-workers. The younger ones (my age and under) tend to "adopt" her as a mother figure. All I can think is that maybe she *is* nice to those who are not related... <shrug>. She's sure poison to *me*. I know that my sister still hangs out with her voluntarily, but last I heard my sister wasn't talking to me so I have no idea what the dynamic was there... I know my sis resented my "parenting"... strange that I was responsible for taking care of her early on, but had no authority, so then I got blamed when it didn't work... Hell yeah, I was a lousy mom at age 8! No wonder my sis has issues with me :-/

I feel for you.

My solution has been to ignore her. I'm thinking of calling her for mothers day, but mostly relishing the fact that I don't feel like I *have* to ;-> I probably won't, either... don't want my number on her caller ID ;->
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#110 of 113 Old 05-08-2005, 06:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LilOleMe
when cornered and forced to face it, she practically regresses, pulls a 180 and becomes a martyr: "You're right, I'm a terrible person, I'll never set foot in that house again, I'll never call them again, I'm just not wooorrrrrrthyyyy...." You get the idea.

Thoughts? Ideas, from your own experiences?
Hey, are you my sister? We seem to have the same mom!

My own mom is just, I don't know. She is like a shadow that acts like a mom.
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#111 of 113 Old 05-12-2005, 03:37 PM
 
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#112 of 113 Old 05-27-2005, 06:25 PM
 
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Thanks for teh bump tinybutterfly.

My mother is crazy, toxic, mentally ill, you name it!

I am in the process of deciding where to go with our relationship. She is sick/dying (Hep C Virus) and I am tired of being *her* Mother. Carrying all the burden and responsibility. I am filled with guilt and trying to make tbe best choice for *ME*, my DD and my family.

Hugs and love to you all. Read a couple of pgs of this thread, will finish it up tonight.

Regina
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#113 of 113 Old 06-01-2005, 10:46 AM
 
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My mom mentioned to me the other day that she has "clinical depression" so I think she FINALLY went to a doctor to get help. But we don't talk often so I don't know for sure. But, yes, she's definitely crazy. She even makes up conversations or events in her head that never happened, and these imaginary conversations always make her look like a helpful and concerned mother, when really she isn't. Example: (She actually said this in front of someone else, which humilitated me to begin with) "When [my name] was in high school she asked me what she should do about her weight. So I just told her to put down the bag of chips." Okay, let's analyze this. First of all, I wasn't concerned about my weight in high school. I got married when I was 20 and weighed 92 lb at the time, so I didn't need to "put down the chips," see what I mean? Second of all, if I did have a concern of a deeply personal nature like weight problems, I would NEVER ask my mother for advice because I hate her so much. You don't ask your worst enemy for advice for your personal problems. Third of all, if she had ever made a comment to me like "put down the bag of chips," she'd be spitting her broken teeth out of her mouth. But the reason she made up the story is because in her twisted mind, she thinks that sort of comment would be helpful to someone who is overweight, so she's imagining that she gave me good advice and was helpful to me. But in reality, we never had that conversation or anything remotely like it.

There was also that time that she let me go to my boyfriend's (now DH) Senior Prom and then grounded me for A YEAR for going to DH's Senior Prom. The only reason I wasn't grounded longer was because after a year I turned 18 and moved out. It would have been longer if I hadn't had my 18th birthday. We had a conversation beforehand about our plans, and my curfew and all that, and I did NOT miss curfew, but I think she completely forgot our whole conversation and actually thought that I had run away from home or something. I'm still not exactly sure what went wrong. Because now she won't even admit that I ever got in trouble for it, so she doesn't remember what happened. CRAZY!

Single mom of 2 boys
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